“Well, I don't think that at all.” His voice was still quiet, thoughtful.
“It'll work out, Brian. Boys are programmed to idolize their fathers, and you're definitely worth looking up to.”
“You don't know me that well, Leigh. I haven't been a great father. I was a terrible husband…” He shook his head while looking down at his feet on the worn porch.
“I know where you are now, and that's all that matters. The rest is just the stuff that got you to where you are. Good, bad—doesn't matter.” I shrugged, trying to keep things light. I was dying of curiosity. Who was this ex-wife? I couldn't imagine anyone getting a divorce from sweet, mellow Brian.
“Maybe.”
“There's no maybe about it. You say sorry for what you've done and you move on. You can't think you're exempt from the blessings of forgiveness. That's ridiculous.” I sat back in my chair, waiting for his response.
“What's going on up here?” I heard Jaron ask as he walked up the stairs, pulling his coat up around his neck.
“Your sister was just making me feel better,” Brian said.
“She's expert at that.” Jaron smiled and gave me a hug.
“Well, I'll leave you guys alone. I've had enough cold for one night.” I got up and walked back to my house. I felt bad for Brian. He was a nice guy. But one thing I'd learned is that crappy things happen to nice people all the time. I was living proof of that. Well, so was my family, for that matter.
I woke up in the morning really needing a few hours in front of the TV. I was awake but not ready to be up. Megan looked enraptured in the middle of an Anne of Green Gables marathon. I sighed. The first movie had been fine—a little oversentimental, but fine. The rest of it? I couldn't care less. I grabbed my pillow and lap blanket and headed next door.
“Knock, knock,” I said as I opened the door. My brother, Brian, and a little boy who must have been Nathan were sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons. It looked better than what was happening next door.
“Mind if I join you?” I asked.
“Come on in.” Jaron waved from the floor.
I walked around the couch. “Hey there, you must be Nathan. I'm Leigh.” I stuck out my hand to shake his. He looked like his father in miniature. His dad's brown eyes on such a small face were like large pools of chocolate. He must have been about four or five.
“Hi Leigh.” He smiled. “You can sit with me on the couch.”
“Thanks.” I did as instructed, a little surprised he was so friendly.
“They have to sit on the floor.” He pointed to my brother and Brian, who both stifled a laugh at that statement.
“Are they in trouble?”
“No, they're alligators and the water is down there. Alligators like water.” His mouth pulled together in a firm line.
“Wow, I like you already, Nathan. You really know how to run the house.” I reached over and rubbed his back.
He looked back to the TV. “We should be quiet now. SpongeBob is back.”
“Okay,” I whispered as I pulled my blankets up. I'd stayed up too late and was still tired. Fortunately, I didn't have class until the afternoon. I slid down into the couch and watched SpongeBob and Sandy the squirrel duke it out with karate gloves. I kept looking from Jaron to Brian on the floor. This would definitely be something to file away for later harassment.
I grabbed the phone. “Hello?”
“Leigh? It's Jaron. Brian had to work tonight, and Nathan won't go to bed. He keeps asking for his dad and then he got all teary and started asking for his mom. Are you busy? Can you come help?”
“I'll be right there.” I threw my hoodie on over my T-shirt and walked next door in my pajama pants.
Nathan had big crocodile tears on his face and sat on the couch by himself.
“Leigh!” He smiled when he saw me.
“Hey there, Nathan. I was hoping you could help me with something?”
“Ummm…” His eyebrows pulled together in concentration.
“I'm super, super tired, and I don't want to sleep by myself. Do you think you could tuck me in?” I asked.
“Sure.” His eyes brightened up a little.
“Thanks.” I smiled back at him and then at Jaron over my shoulder as Nathan led me to his father's room.
I hadn't expected to go in there. I should have expected it. Of course it was where Nathan slept. I couldn't help but look around a little. Brian had a small desk and dresser, no clutter anywhere. His closet doors hung open, hanger after hanger held the expensive jeans he seemed to be wearing every day and T-shirts. For some reason the fact that he hung up his T-shirts was funny and I smiled. The floor of the closet was stacked with shoe racks. All of Brian's trendy sneakers rested in neat, tidy rows.
There were sketches above Brian's desk with incredible detail. I recognized our backyard. It looked as if he hadn't missed a leaf. Even in black and white, he'd managed to capture the light in an incredible way. It felt like summer.
“My daddy draws,” Nathan said when he realized what I looked at. “Wanna see?” He pulled out a notebook next to the bed. It was filled with things a little boy would like to look at—dinosaurs, motorcycles, monsters, and superheroes. “My daddy did these all for me.”
“Wow. That was very nice of him.” Even the drawings for Nathan were real, lifelike. How had I not known this about Brian?
“Yep.” Nathan set the notebook back down. “Okay, you need to lie down now.”
“Okay.” I felt bad crawling onto Brian's bed.
“Get under the covers, Leigh.” Nathan directed. “It's what you have to do if you want to go to sleep.”
I looked around. “Well, um… actually, it's your daddy's bed. I don't think he wants me under the covers.” That felt way too personal.
Nathan looked at me as if trying to decide if that would be okay or not. “Okay.” Nathan crawled onto the bed as I lay down and turned out the light.
“Close your eyes, Leigh,” he directed.
“What?” I asked.
“You can't go to sleep unless you close your eyes.” He sounded exasperated. “I'm trying to help you, remember?”
“Okay.” I tried hard not to smile.
I closed my eyes, and my whole body started to feel heavy. After only a few minutes, his small body snuggled into mine. I put my arm around him and pulled him closer. He was such a funny kid. I meant to lie there until he fell asleep. Between the warmth of Nathan and that of my oversized sweatshirt, my body rested deeper into warmth and comfort.
Sometime in the middle of the night I heard noises in the apartment. I woke up and forgot where I was for a minute. I started to sit up and felt Nathan lying on me. I smiled and gently moved him over so I could crawl out of bed.
Brian was making himself breakfast on the stove. I felt bad walking out of his room.
“Sorry for waking you. You two looked all snuggled in.” He smiled. “I just got back.”
“I'm sorry. Jaron called because Nathan didn't want to go to bed. I asked him to help me get to sleep. I guess he did a pretty good job.” I rubbed my hands over my face a few times.
“It's totally okay. Thank you. You didn't have to do that.”
“Glad to. Nathan is a great kid.”
“Thanks.” Brian lifted the frying pan off the stove.
“You draw.” I just blurted it out. He looked away and scraped his scrambled eggs onto his plate. “It's just that I couldn't help but notice. Nathan was excited to show me all the stuff you've drawn for him… I loved the backyard. It felt like summertime all over again.”
“It helps me relax. It's that artistic side of me that makes me like graphic design.” Brian seemed almost apologetic.
I didn't know what to say.
“It's what I do in school? Remember? Marketing, graphic design…”
“Right.” Duh. “I'm sorry. I feel like I just totally invaded your privacy.”
“Yeah, it's funny how much you learn about someone when you see how they live.” H
e leaned against the counter and started in on his eggs.
“Yeah.” I tried to hide my smile but completely failed. I thought about all his T-shirts neatly hung up in the closet.
Brian looked down, knowing he was about to be embarrassed by something else. “What is it? And please know that if you don't tell me, I'll assume it's something a lot worse than it actually is.”
“You hang up your T-shirts.” I let myself laugh that time. “And you have more shoes than I do.”
Brian laughed. “Well, my small dresser only fits my workout stuff, socks, and underwear. Besides, it's actually easier to put a T-shirt on a hanger than it is to fold it.”
“Okay.” I still held in a smile.
“I really have no excuse for the shoes.” He laughed again. “Thanks for helping out, Leigh. I don't like leaving him when he's only here for such a short time.”
“Anytime, really. I like him.” I headed for the door.
“Can I walk you home?” Brian asked. He set his plate next to the sink.
“I actually live right over there—you know, across the yard. I think I can manage.”
“Night, Leigh.”
“Night.” It felt good to help Brian; he'd certainly done his share of helping me.
thirteen
“I have to work tonight, and I have to take Nathan home tomorrow. I think we should all do something fun today,” Brian said. It was Saturday. Megan and I had gotten donuts to take to the boys’ place for breakfast.
“Let's take Nathan to Temple Square,” I suggested. “I haven't been there since I moved up here.”
“Great idea,” Jaron added.
We all piled into Jaron's car after breakfast. Megan sat in the front at Jaron's insistence, which left Brian, Nathan, and I in the backseat.
“So, only a few more weeks until your missionary comes home, right?” I asked Megan. She'd been quiet about it, but we all saw her marks on the calendar. She turned to face me.
“Two and a half weeks.” She smiled back. “It's been a long two years.”
“That's crazy,” Brian said. “I can't imagine just waiting around for someone like that.”
“It happens all the time,” she insisted.
“No.” My brother laughed. “Girls say it's going to happen all the time, but it doesn't. Not really.”
“What's going to happen in the next two weeks?” Megan rolled her eyes and turned, smiling out the front window.
Nathan reached for my hand when we started up the sidewalk toward one of the side gates into Temple Square.
“Did you know I got to go to school with my daddy?” Nathan asked.
“I bet you did. How was that?” I smiled down at him.
“It means I'm a big kid.” He kicked a few leaves on the ground as we walked over them.
“Is that so?” I squeezed his warm little hand.
“Yep.” He jumped over a few cracks in the pavement as we stopped next to one of the entrances.
“Okay, Nathan, do you want to play a game with me?” I asked.
He looked up at me and nodded.
“All right.” I stopped and turned around. “You guys wait out here for a minute or two. Nathan and I are going to find somewhere to hide, and we'll see you when you find us!”
“This is not running hide and seek. No moving allowed.” Jaron looked pointedly at me.
“I promise.” I smiled back, and Nathan and I ran through the gates together. It didn't really seem appropriate once we were inside, so we slowed to a walk. Nathan stopped talking and started quietly looking around.
“Lots of pretty big buildings, aren't there?” I asked.
“Yeah, but not as big as Vegas.”
“Oh, right.” I wondered if this would be fun or impressive at all for a kid used to Las Vegas.
“But I think I like these better. They feel nicer.”
Kids had such a way of seeing through to the important things. I took Nathan to my favorite spot. It was a small bench underneath a huge tree. It had been here since I'd started coming to Temple Square. One day it'd be gone and I'd have to find somewhere else to sit, but it was still my bench. I could see the back side of the temple, not as many people sat here, and I was generally able to find peace and quiet.
We sat on it together, our legs and arms touching.
“Are you having fun with your dad?”
“Yeah. It's more fun than being at home. My mom is gone a lot, and my grandma's really loud.” Nathan watched his feet swinging underneath him.
“Where's your mom?”
“At work.” Nathan's eyes took in our surroundings, from the tree to the temple. Most of the leaves were gone—no snow yet, but it felt like winter. The sun only marginally helped with warmth. I thought about how hard it would be to try to raise a child by yourself. I looked back at this week and how we'd all taken turns with Nathan so Brian could go to work and school.
“Found you.” Jaron laughed, Megan standing behind him. “You know, Leigh, if you don't want to be found, you need to stop going to the same spot.”
“I like it here. This is my thinking place,” I shot back. Nathan jumped up and ran over to his dad, who had come from a different direction.
“Can we go look at the fountains, Dad?” Nathan grabbed Brian by the legs.
“Sure.” Brian hoisted Nathan onto his shoulders. Jaron branched off, and Megan followed. She was nearly as adventurous as he was.
“So, you have a spot here, huh?” Brian asked.
“I need down, Dad.” Nathan pointed ahead. “You're not fast enough.”
“Okay.” Brian lifted Nathan off and set him down.
He took off as soon as his feet hit the ground. He stopped at the seagull fountain to put his fingers in the frigid water.
“Yeah, I came up to see specialists a few times when I was sick, and that bench seemed to be open every time.” I looked down at my feet as we continued to walk.
“This is my second trip.”
“Ever?”
“I don't know why you're so surprised about my inexperience, Leigh. I haven't been a member all that long.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets.
“I forget because you're so much older.” I didn't know how else to explain.
“Dad?” Nathan turned from the water and ran back to where Brian and I walked. “My hands are cold.”
“Your hands are cold?” Brian laughed and got down on a knee. “How did that happen?” He grabbed Nathan, resting him on his leg and took Nathan's small hands into his large ones.
“My mom used to do that,” I mused.
“What?” Brian stood up.
Nathan darted to another bench and immediately stepped up.
“Blow on my hands when they got cold.”
Brian's smile widened.
“I'm sorry about earlier. I forget you haven't been a member that long. I'm sure to put my foot in my mouth a few more times.” I crossed my arms, trying to keep out the chill.
“It's fine. I'm used to it, especially around here.” Brian's hands went back in his pockets.
We started walking again, following Nathan's path.
“How did you meet my brother?” I knew they'd met on Jaron's mission, but I didn't know the particulars.
“It's was a hundred out, and he and his partner were walking down the sidewalk in black suits. I was out running. I laughed and asked if they were going to pass out from the heat.”
“And I'd guess Jaron shrugged.”
“Yep.” Brian chuckled. “In that relaxed way that only Jaron can. He stopped, and we chatted and set up a time to meet.”
“Wow, just like that.” What an amazing experience for both of them.
“Just like that.”
I felt bad for judging Brian so harshly. I could see why Jaron looked up to him so much.
“Ready to go?” Jaron snuck up behind me, grabbing my sides.
“Jaron!” I jumped and whirled around. “Really? Are we not past that yet?”
“Not as long
as you keep reacting so well.” He mock-punched my shoulder.
Guess it should be a good thing that we got along so well. Though, I might have to find a way to get him back.
fourteen
I woke up Thanksgiving morning in the same room I'd spent my senior year of high school in. The same room where I'd spent so much time sick. I looked around at the walls and smelled antiseptic. It wasn't there, but the memory was strong. I felt like I might throw up.
The force of last year's Thanksgiving hit me hard. That had been the worst of it for me. It was the first time I'd actually felt scared about losing my life. The initial diagnosis and surgery was so unexpected that I hadn't had time to process what I faced. When my hair started falling out after only my second chemo session, I'd shaved my head to get it over with. That's when the realization of what I was going through hit me; when I stared at my bald head in the mirror. It was two days before Thanksgiving last year.
I crawled out of bed, numb from the shock of the memories. I sat with my back against the bed and looked at my legs stretched out in front of me. My legs. I touched them. I touched my skin, my body. I was alive.
Last year Joseph had been who knows where and not speaking to us. Jaron had still been on his mission. My parents were a wreck. Well, my mom had been a wreck; she tried to hide her tears but failed miserably. My dad sat quiet as always, but you could see it in his face. The lines had grown deeper weekly.
I remembered sitting in this exact spot wondering if it would be my last Thanksgiving. It had been so scary. I could feel hot tears start to roll down my cheeks. I'd prayed for my family so hard that day. I'd prayed that it wouldn't be my last Thanksgiving, and it hadn't been. So many prayers had been answered. I pulled my knees to my chest. I could feel my body start to shake. I was thankful for the simple fact that I was there, with my family. Nobody mourned the loss of Leigh. The relief brought on another wave of tears.
Jaron must have either heard me from the hallway or seen me through the crack in my door. He silently came in and sat next to me. He put his hands over mine and let me lie my head on his shoulder. He rested his head on mine.
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