“Wow. Insightful.” He was still scrolling while driving with one hand down the freeway.
“I like that soundtracks have a certain feel to them. That and I can't stand listening to the same artist over and over.” I watched Brian's face as he scrolled through.
“Hmm, interesting.” He said, finally. He handed it back, and I plugged it in to the car.
“So, what was it like growing up in the Tressman family?” Brian asked.
“I'm sure you have a pretty good picture from my brother.” I wondered what Jaron had told him about us. Aside from Joseph's rather dramatic departure, we were a pretty normal bunch.
“Well, I don't have a good picture from you.”
“You already know how great my parents are. I don't know. My older brothers were way too protective, but both were out of the house before they could do any real damage. I think it would have been worse being the youngest of three if we'd stayed in Seattle. When my family moved to St. George, I was the only kid in the house, and I finished my high school career there.”
“So they moved your senior year?”
“Yep.”
“Wasn't that hard?”
“I wasn't thrilled at the time, and I have almost no high school buddies to catch up with, but looking back? It was a good thing.” I wasn't a bad kid by any stretch, but some of the kids I hung out with in Seattle were definitely not making good decisions.
“Bad girl, Leigh, huh?” he asked.
“No, not yet, but I was definitely headed there. I did get to be the new and interesting girl from Seattle for most of my senior year.”
“And then you got sick.”
“Yeah, in August I started having some issues, but they didn't give me a diagnosis until November. I had to be pretty persistent. So that took what should have been my freshman year in college, though I'd guess that I learned a lot more in that year than I would have at school.” Brian already knew all that.
“I can't imagine.” He said, still staring at the road. “To come out of something like that stronger than you went in… I think it's great.”
I didn't know how to respond, so I sat quietly. It had strengthened my testimony in certain areas, but I was still struggling with the idea that I wouldn't be able to have my own kids. I didn't admit it often, not even to myself. It would be hard to ask someone to give that up, just to be with me. It was probably more my perception of Mormon culture and all that, but it was still there.
“You got quiet,” Brian remarked. “Did I upset you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I just think you're giving me more credit than I deserve.”
“I doubt that.”
We drove in silence for a few minutes, and I saw the sign for Cedar City. The drive was going by so fast. I couldn't believe how far we'd already come.
“So, what about you?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” He smiled back.
“Where did you grow up?”
“Everywhere.”
I stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.
“My dad was in the military, career enlisted. We moved around a lot. Both of my parents were loners. I know I have aunts and uncles, but I have no idea who they are.”
“And your mom?”
“She was a tailor, a seamstress, whatever the word is. She died when I was twelve. My parents didn't have me until they were nearly forty.”
“I'm sorry. I can't imagine being without my mom.” My chest caved with the thought. She made me crazy, but for her to be gone…
“My dad was a bit of an alcoholic and was just finishing with the military when Mom died. We tolerated each other just long enough for me to finish high school, and I signed up for the army as soon as I could.”
“And you were Military Police,” I remembered from our conversation over his tattoos.
“Yep. I knew my dad would like me in the army, and I knew he hated the MPs, so it was kind of the best of both worlds for an angry eighteen-year-old.”
“I see.” I hadn't heard about or seen the rebellious side of Brian before.
“I spent a year or so stateside and actually went to Afghanistan first. I was home for just over a year and got married to a girl I'd known in high school. Amanda got pregnant just before I left for Iraq. I missed it all. The pregnancy, the birth—everything.”
I was quiet. I wanted him to continue. Brian fascinated me. His life experiences made the fact that he was such a good man even more impressive.
“I came home, and after spending a year in small gun fights, doing everything I could to protect the guys around me, it was hard. When I got home, simple things like going to the grocery store were overwhelming. Amanda tried to be understanding about it, but she'd just spent a year of her life pregnant and tired and wishing I was there, and then when I got home, I wasn't the same guy who had left. I didn't know how to take care of her anymore.” Brian rubbed his hand over his chin a few times. Maybe in thoughtfulness, maybe trying to break up some of what he was feeling.
“We did our best for a little over a year, and then she announced one day that she was going to live with her mother in Las Vegas. I'd known it was coming. Watching her leave with Nathan… I thought it was the end of me. I almost volunteered to deploy again, hoping to save some other family guy from going through what I just had, but when my reenlistment came, I couldn't do it. I started school at UNLV, played with my son when I could, and then I met your brother.”
I sat quiet for a minute. I wasn't sure what to say. The story of him and his wife was heartbreaking, even with the sparse details. “Where were you? In Iraq, I mean?”
“Baghdad.” His eyes shifted from the road to the dials on the dash several times. He looked uncomfortable. “It was intense.”
“You said that you and Stuart were there together.” I wanted to know more—anything he was willing to share. Brian had lived a fascinating life.
“Yeah. He was a good guy to have around,” Brian paused, “We saved each other, in a lot of different ways. We lost a lot of friends in one ten-minute gunfight. It happened so fast.” His hands shifted on the steering wheel a few times. “I find myself, even now—especially coming home after work—scanning buildings and alleyways. Certain sounds, smells, situations… they pull me right back there. I have to work hard sometimes to get back to the present.” He was staring out at the road, two hands on the steering wheel.
How had there been so much to Brian that I'd never known about? I felt guilty, like I hadn't taken the proper amount of time to get to know my brother's best friend. “I'm sorry.”
“Well, I'm happy and I'm doing well. I feel good about life, and I'd be afraid to change anything from my past because it might not lead me to where I am.” He looked at me. I could tell he remembered a conversation we'd had earlier in the year when Nathan first came to stay with him and was upset about missing his mom.
“I can understand that.”
Brian's experiences had shaped him into a pretty remarkable person, when they could have easily done the opposite. I felt impressed by him again. We'd both been through a lot that had shaped us for the better. Maybe it was part of why we got along so well.
We pulled into the driveway of a rather ordinary-looking house on a worn out, old street. Weeds came out from every crevice in the sidewalk. I wanted to clean up the trash from the front yards and repaint the homes. Everything around us looked old—the cars, the fences, the signs—like no one lived there, or as if the clutter of abandonment had taken over. It made me realize what a sheltered life I'd led.
I hadn't thought the car's air conditioning worked until we climbed out. It felt like we stepped into an oven, and it was still early in the year, the beginnings of April. I followed Brian to the door and looked around at where Nathan normally lived. I'd be afraid to let my kid play in the front yard in a place like this. Brian knocked on the door, and we waited. He knocked again, and we waited some more. I realized I was about to meet his ex-wife. I wondered what she'd think of Brian s
howing up with a girl. I folded my arms in front of me, just to give my hands something to do.
“Nathan?” Brian called. “It's Dad. Are you in there?”
We exchanged glances. All of a sudden neither of us felt very good about the situation. Something switched in Brian's demeanor. He looked up and down the street, over at me, and then at the house for a few moments, trying to decide what to do next.
“Why don't you wait in the car? Here's the keys. Stay in the driver's seat until I come back out, okay?” His voice sounded calm and even. I felt immediately suspicious. Calm, even voices meant something was wrong.
I nodded and took his keys. I looked up and down the street a few times as I headed to his car. I heard him try the door, but it was locked. I climbed into the cool car and wondered why it felt strange. They were probably just out running errands or something. Brian waved to me as he went around the side of the house. I watched him easily scale the tall brick wall to get into the backyard. I was anxious just sitting in the car waiting for him. It seemed like I should be doing something proactive, not just sitting. But I had no idea what else to do.
I stared at Nathan's house, willing them to come out. It felt like an eternity, like I'd been in the stuffy car for an hour. I said a quick silent prayer, never moving my eyes from the front door.
The door opened, and Brian waved. Nathan came out next to him and ran toward the car. I felt myself breathe out in relief.
“Nathan!” I held my arms out. He ran into me and squeezed me tightly.
“I'm not sure what's going on. He's here by himself.” Brian leaned against the doorframe.
“Isn't he way too young for that?” Who left a five-year-old home alone?
“Uh, yeah.” Brian shifted his weight, crossing his arms. “I'm going to go inside and get his stuff. I'll be quick.” He ran up the sidewalk and back into the house. I hoped that Amanda wouldn't drive up while I was sitting in front of her house with her son.
“Ready to get buckled?” I asked.
“I can do it.” He climbed into the backseat, pulled the seat belt out, and easily clicked it in place.
“Excellent job.” I used my hand to ruff up his hair.
“Hey.” He ducked out of the way.
Brian showed up a few minutes later with two garbage bags of Nathan's stuff and Nathan's dinosaur backpack. I scooted over to the passenger's side.
“Don't worry, buddy. I left your mom a note. She knows this is the week you get to spend with me.”
“And Leigh!” He smiled at me. Nathan didn't look stressed. He just looked happy to be with us. I finally felt like I'd done something to help, just by being along for the ride.
Brian got behind the wheel and took off, his foot hard on the gas. His body looked very still and very intent on the road. I reached out and touched his shoulder, worried, but he jerked back, and with one deft move knocked my arm away.
I recoiled and scooted away, giving him space.
“Leigh. I'm so sorry.” He looked dazed as he shook his head.
I kept my distance, not sure what to do. This behavior felt so out of character for Brian.
He reached out and carefully touched my shoulder. “Just reflex. I was somewhere else for a minute.”
“Can you pull over?” I asked. He looked hesitant, pulling his arm from me. “Please?”
He shook his head. “I can't.”
“We have Nathan,” I put my hand slowly on his shoulder, “We're fine.”
Brian took a deep breath, but his eyes still scanned around us.
“How about I say a quick prayer,” I offered. “You can keep driving, since you so obviously need it.” I smiled at him, hoping he'd know it was okay.
He nodded, looking somewhat relieved. Nathan happily played with his dinosaurs in the backseat. I reached out and took Brian's free hand with two of mine. He squeezed my hands gently.
“Thank you.” His eyes went from mine back out on the road.
I closed my eyes and bowed my head.
“Dear Father in Heaven, we are so grateful that we were able to pick up Nathan today. We're thankful that he's safe and that he gets to come home with us. We're grateful for the experiences that we've had in our lives that made us who we are today. We ask that those experiences continue to make us stronger. We ask now for a confirmation that we're okay. We pray for a safe and relaxing drive home, and we pray in gratitude for the safety we've had so far. Help us to understand Thy will for us and help us to follow Thy promptings. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
“Amen.” Brian looked better; some of the tautness in his face had disappeared. He squeezed my hand again. “Thanks, Leigh.”
I sat and held his hand in mine for a few more minutes.
“Always pray when you travel,” I tried to make light. “I'm hungry, how about you, Nathan?” I let go of Brian and turned to see Nathan in the backseat.
“French fries!”
“We can do that.” Brian finally let his mouth pull in to a smile.
I checked the backseat to see Nathan slumped over, resting his little head against the side of the car. I wanted to take him in my arms and snuggle him all the way home.
“He's out,” I said as I turned back to the front.
Brian took a deep breath and tried to let it out slowly. “I don't know where Amanda was. I don't even know how long she'd been gone. I tried to ask Nathan, but kids’ view of time is so different. He didn't answer the door because he says that every time mom leaves him home alone, he's not supposed to answer the door.”
“Wow.” I hoped Amanda's lapse might mean good things for Brian. Maybe it would change his custody arrangement so Nathan could spend more time with his dad. Brian had said a few times that he was worried Amanda wasn't doing well, that she was over-stressed and seemed edgy the past few times he'd come down. We drove in silence for a while.
“How did you two meet?” I asked, prying again.
“Wow, if I'd known this was going to be like playing twenty questions, I'd have left you in Provo,” Brian teased.
“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.” I wanted to know about her. The girl who used to be married to Brian Wright.
“No, I'm sorry. I really don't mind talking to you—about anything.” His warm brown eyes looked at me carefully as he drove.
“Thanks.” I pulled my legs up to cross them on the seat. “In that case, how did you meet your wife?” I repeated the question. “It's funny, but it's hard to picture you in this whole other life.” Watching Brian run with Stuart and watching him scale the wall into the backyard gave me only a small glimpse into what his military life was like. But Brian grocery shopping with a wife and a baby? Getting married? It felt so foreign.
“I knew Amanda in high school.” Right, he'd already said that. “I'd always kind of liked her, but nothing ever happened between us until after school. I graduated and joined the army, you already know that part.” He gestured a little with his hands but kept them on the steering wheel. His eyes didn't leave the road. “She wrote to me through basic training and through my first deployment to Afghanistan. When I got back, we got married.”
“What's she like?” I asked. What kind of girl would Brian would be with?
“I don't know.” He shook his head. “I know that sounds terrible, but we really didn't spend much time together. When we did, we were kind of wild, trying to make the most of the time I was home. I don't think it was ever a functioning relationship.” His eyes met mine quickly before he looked back out to the highway. “How about you and boys?”
“You know most of it.” I laughed.
“Can I be honest and say that Noah is not who I would have pictured you with?”
I laughed. “No, it's okay. Me either.”
“Then why…” Brian trailed off. “Never mind.” He stuttered. “You don't have to answer.”
“It just sort of… happened, I guess. We have fun together, and I like being with him.” I didn't know how else to explain. Why would it matter?<
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“Okay,” he responded.
I didn't want to talk about Noah, not with Brian. It felt awkward. “And you're about to be a homeowner.”
“Yeah. I want to have Nathan more. Based on the situation we just picked him up from, it looks like I will. I thought it would be nice for me to be more settled.”
“When do you move in upstairs?”
“I think we finish paperwork and close the week before finals week.”
“Wow, that'll make finals fun.”
“Well, I don't have a lot of stuff—just a bed, a desk, a dresser. Not much. Sometimes I'm not sure what I got myself into.”
“But you feel good about it, right?” I asked.
“Between the waves of panic, I know it's the right thing to do.”
I laughed. Brian felt so easy to be around. I sat with no shoes, feet on his seat, talking about anything and everything. I didn't worry about how I smiled, how my hair looked, what I wore. He was easy. Like family.
“Well, I promised you a stop at your parents’ house on our way back, and I really need to talk to your dad. I hope he doesn't mind.”
“He won't.” Dad adored Brian. “He likes you almost as much as my brother does.”
Brian didn't say anything, but I could see a smile start to form on the edges of his mouth.
Brian and Dad went immediately into Dad's office. Nathan and I followed Mom into the backyard.
“Can we swim, Leigh? Please?” he asked.
I shrugged. Why not? “Let me change. I don't know if your dad has any shorts for you. Can you swim in your underpants?”
“Yeah.” He grinned.
“Okay, I'll be right back.”
The only suit I had at Mom's was my bikini. The one Mom hated. I almost expected that she'd get me a different one after my last visit. I put it on and looked down at my two scars. They were both short, maybe an inch and a half. Just slits, really, on either side of my belly button. I rubbed my fingers over them. The skin there still felt weird both to my tummy and to my fingers. I sighed, grabbed a towel, and headed out.
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