“Thanks to you.” He nodded once. “I got something for you, but you don't strike me as a corsage girl…” I made a face. “I didn't think so. I got you this instead.” He handed over a walking cane.
“This is great,” I said, looking down at it. I set it on the ground and posed, my head cocked to the side.
“It gets better.” He pulled it apart, revealing a small sword. “So, it's kinda cool, right?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at me.
“It's pretty awesome,” I admitted. I was thankful I'd thought to get something for Brian. “And I got you something to go in your nearly empty holster.” He currently had one of Nathan's plastic water guns. I reached into my small, satin drawstring bag and pulled out a six-shooter replica. It fit the time period.
“Perfect! I'm going to need it to keep the boys away from you, Leigh.” He leaned in closer and whispered in my ear, “You look amazing.”
“Thank you,” I whispered back. “But I don't think I have to worry about anyone as long as I can stay on your arm.” He looked broad and intimidating in his snug shirt and suspenders. Brian was strong and in incredible shape, and the shirt simply accentuated what he had. He took my hand and slid it through his arm.
“Every man in the room will be jealous of me tonight.”
I laughed with pleasure. “Yes, well, tonight I'm dangerous.” I pulled my sword out of my walking stick, quickly stepped in front of Brian, and put the tip against his chest. I narrowed my eyes, and he laughed in response.
Brian held his arm back out for me to take. I stepped back in line with him and slid my hand through his arm. It felt good and fun, like the break I looked for when I dated Noah but easier because it was just Brian and I didn't have to try with him. He was a good friend, and already I didn't feel like the girl taking her cousin.
A lot of girls wore large ball gowns designed as much like colored wedding dresses as anything else. There were a few costumes, but they were all barely or not at all appropriate and made the girls look like they tried way too hard. A lot of girls were dressed in something similar to what Megan had on. I felt like I stood out. Normally I wouldn't have liked it, but my mask made me stand out while being invisible—the best of both worlds.
“Well, we're here. We should dance.” Brian held out a hand.
“Slowly,” I said. “I can't take a deep breath in this stupid corset. I don't know how women wore these things.”
“Why on earth did you even do that?” he asked as he led me onto the dance floor.
“Because my costume had to be authentic for it to count for my class. And because I don't know if the dress would have still fit if I hadn't.” I put a hand to my stomach.
“You look better than I've ever seen you.” Brian touched my cheek with a hand. “Really.”
I didn't know what to say to such a nice compliment.
“No way,” Brian paused to listen to the music. “A waltz. Okay, I actually think I remember how to do this.” He took my waist in one hand and rested my hand on his shoulder. I had no idea what to do.
“Brian, I…” I started to protest.
“It's just a one, two, three beat. Watch my feet.” We both looked down at his feet and hit heads.
“Hey.” My head snapped up.
“Sorry, you watch, I'll look up.” I could see the dimple in his cheek, and I had to resist the temptation to stick my finger in it like I did with Jaron.
I looked back down as he moved in small steps, and I felt confident enough after a few movements to look back up at him and let him lead. I started to laugh as his steps got longer and he began to spin us both in circles in time to the music.
The music slowed to a more contemporary song. He kept us in the same position and slowed down.
“Oh good, I need to catch my breath.” I stepped in closer. His arm still held my waist, and my dress had just enough to give for my hand to stay on his shoulder.
“Thanks for coming with me,” he said.
“Oh yes, and thanks for asking so nicely.”
“I want you to know that I'm looking around here right now and everyone else looks like a little girl. You don't. You look fantastic. Notice how many of these guys are stealing glances your direction?” He laughed quietly.
“Maybe they're looking at you,” I teased him.
“I don't think so.” He reached down and picked me up by the waist. “This is why I love you so much, Leigh. You always have something to say.” He set me down, still partially laughing.
Brian always made me feel good. Aside from our one argument, I couldn't think of a time when being around Brian hadn't made me happy.
“Wanna get out of here and go for a walk? There's a ton of people wandering around outside.”
“Sounds great.” I glanced around at the dancing couples as he headed out. Brian was right; I caught two boys with their eyes on me as I looked around. Both turned away quickly.
“Sherlock Holmes!” A guy in a tux and cape raised his hand in the air to give Brian a high five. Then he turned to me, “And his wicked accomplice…” He raised his eyebrows and bowed as we walked past.
I laughed. Perfect.
The fresh air felt good on my face, and even with my somewhat restricted lung capacity, it felt good to take an attempted deep breath in. We walked in silence, my arm through his. I watched other couples walking together. The large lawns on campus were littered with people, and the sidewalks were lit by lantern light. It felt beautiful, magical, like something from a movie.
“So, no more boys for Leigh.” Brian's head turned down toward me.
“Well, I think I've proven myself a disaster in that department.” I leaned my head on Brian's shoulder. He watched his feet on the sidewalk. “Evan, Noah…”
“Kyle,” he laughed.
“Wow, I forgot about him. It's just as well.” I looked down at the black of my shoes peeking out from under my dress as I walked. “Besides, you're one to talk. I've never seen you show an interest in anyone.”
“Oh.” He nodded slightly and then looked around at the people milling around on the campus sidewalks. “Well, I've been more than a little distracted with Nathan and the drama there. I also come with a lot of history, and I don't think most girls around here would understand.” He looked down at our feet and then across the lawn. “I don't know…”
“It's really just as well.” I elbowed him gently. “I can't think of anyone good enough for you.” It would take a special girl to understand all the great things about Brian.
He looked over at me carefully for a moment. “Well, how do you feel about Megan?” he asked. “For your brother?”
“Megan's great. She's exactly the kind of girl I thought my brother would end up with. She's pretty, smart, and too motivated for her own good.” We both laughed at that. Megan was the best Relief Society president I could remember having.
“But no one's good enough for me?”
“No one that I've met.” I squeezed his arm. I didn't like the idea of Brian with a girl. Who would understand the relationship Brian and I had? I thought about what happened when Jaron and Megan got together. Jaron and I were still close, but it had changed.
“Hey, there you are!” I heard Jaron's voice. “Megan wants to get ice cream before we head home!
“We're on our way!” I hollered back.
Brian sighed. He looked defeated somehow.
I stepped in front of him on the sidewalk. “You are not allowed to eat ice cream with a sad face, Brian.” I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. “Come on!” I grabbed his hand and turned toward Jaron.
“Race ya!” Brian teased, catching up to me in one stride.
I looked over and rolled my eyes at him, “Hardly. Not only am I in heels, but I also haven't taken a deep breath all evening.” I let go of Brian's hand and grabbed my waist with both hands.
“Despite that corset you insisted on putting yourself in, you were absolutely the most beautiful girl there.”
“Thanks.” I let my hand
s fall from my waist.
“And I don't feel like as much of a dork as I thought I would.” He ran a hand down his suspenders.
“That's quite a compliment.” We walked a couple of steps in silence. “Thanks for doing this with me.” I felt so much gratitude. How many times had I felt that for Brian? How many times had he rescued me and made me feel better just by being himself?
“It was my pleasure.” He once again held his arm out for me to take. I leaned my head against his shoulder as we slowly caught up to Jaron and Megan. I didn't want our night to be over.
thirty-two
I stood at the door of my closet. I pulled my small skirts and blouses and moved them to the back, bringing my very few larger items forward. I'd gained a size, maybe two, since the beginning of the year. It required rearranging. I tucked my last rack of tiny skirts into the back and hit the bag with my temple dress in it. Wow. How long had it been since I'd gone to the temple? A long, long time. I pulled my dress out and set it on the bed. I needed to find Jaron. His car pulled in as I walked outside.
I waited impatiently for him to get out. “Hey, Jaron, do you have time for a temple trip?” The more I thought about the dress sitting on my bed, the more desperate I felt to go.
“Can we go in a few days?” He leaned back against his car. “I have dinner out with Megan's parents in Salt Lake tonight. Tomorrow night I'll be studying for my test on Friday. Maybe Saturday?”
“No, no. It's okay.” I shook my head. “I want to go sooner than that.
“I'm sorry, Leigh. You're welcome to use my car, though, if you just need a way to get there.” He ran his hand through his hair and leaned forward to stand.
“I'll let you know.” Now what?
“Okay.” He walked down to his apartment.
I knew Megan's schedule was the same as Jaron's. I wondered if Brian would be game. I lay out on my hammock and waited for him to come home. I knew I could go by myself, and I also knew that it would probably be good for me, but I'd never gone alone before and I didn't want to start.
“Brian!” I waved and climbed out of the hammock as he pulled up. I jogged across the yard. I saw Nathan run out of Julie's house followed by Julie. “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “I know this is silly, but I really need to go to the temple. Are you at all available to take Jaron's place and come with me?”
“Uh…” Brian looked down at Nathan.
“If you two leave in five minutes, you can catch the next session. Nathan and I just started making cookies anyway.” Julie smiled down at us from the porch.
“Are you sure you're up to it?” I asked her.
“You will be responsible for my foot rub tonight.” She pointed a finger down at me with a smile.
My head snapped from Julie to Brian. Please say yes, please say yes.
“Yeah, I could use the trip too. Give me a sec.” He gave Nathan a hug and ran down his stairs.
I breathed out in relief, ran back to my apartment, threw on a skirt, and grabbed my temple bag. Brian and I ran into the backyard at the same time. He'd obviously done the same thing—grabbed his white shirt and his bag.
We drove in silence. Brian must have had a lot on his mind. I did too. My split with Noah still threw me more than I'd like. I felt it at odd times when I didn't expect it, like coming and going from classes, checking my phone for messages from him when I clearly wasn't expecting any. Classes weren't too bad, but when I piled on the stress of sewing a whole wedding—I was in charge of the bridesmaids as well as the bride—it felt like a lot.
I closed my eyes during the session, trying to clear my head, trying to let the Spirit in. I needed that to fill me, just for a little while.
I looked up at the ceiling in the celestial room; my hopes for peace faded. I felt better, but it wasn't the relief I'd been looking for. I should have come sooner. I felt like I'd waited too long.
Normally Jaron sat on one of the couches, and I could sit next to him, lie my head on his shoulder, and feel better. I didn't have that option. I sat on the couch alone. I rested my body on the arm and closed my eyes. I waited for everything else that flooded my head to disappear and to do nothing but feel. I came close, but it felt like it wasn't quite enough. Next time I'd have to prepare for my trip a little better. Finally, I got to the point where I hovered on the edge of boredom. Time to go. I took a few deep breaths in and opened my eyes. There were very few people left. My eyes caught Brian's sitting in a chair across the room, and I motioned for him to sit with me.
“Let's figure out who won,” I said, needing something from my regular temple routine.
“What?” The corner of his mouth pulled up.
“It's this thing Jaron and I always do. What was the birth year of the person you came through for?”
“1792.”
I smiled. “You win. Mine was 1865.”
Brian laughed quietly. “You two always do this?”
I nodded. “Always.” I paused for a moment. “You okay?”
“A little more distracted today than I'd like,” he whispered back.
“Me too. But coming here always helps a little.” I wondered what had Brian so distracted. Things seemed to be going well for him. Maybe he had issues with his ex-wife I wasn't aware of or maybe he was thinking of the house he was about to buy. The house I lived in.
He nodded.
“Can I be totally selfish and ask you another favor?” At that point, I simply hoped he didn't think I was crazy.
“You've already dragged me in here, what else could you possibly want?” I saw a corner of his mouth pull up.
“A shoulder? I'm used to having a big brother here. I just need you for a sec.” I couldn't breathe waiting for his response.
He patted his shoulder. I closed my eyes and lay my head against him. It wasn't the same as having Jaron there, but it was close. Brian felt different in a way that I couldn't put my finger on. I liked it. Everybody needed more than one person to lean on. I set my hands in my lap, and Brian reached out and put one of his hands over mine.
Poor guy, he was trying hard to help me out. I didn't want to move, but I couldn't sit there all day, my head resting on Brian, especially with Nathan waiting at home.
“Thank you, Brian.” I whispered as I stood up. “I owe you huge. I'm kinda pathetic, huh?”
He shook his head and looked like he was about to say something but stopped and smiled instead.
“You okay?”
He seemed more melancholy than I'd ever seen him.
“We'll talk later.” He stood up and started toward the exit.
“Wait.” I got up to stand with him. “Let's just grab burgers or something with Nathan. You can talk then.” I knew he had more to say.
“Yeah, that'd be nice.”
I'd do just about anything to wipe that look off his face.
I flipped another page in my English text. Our backyard was a delightful spot to study. Brian, Nathan, and I were headed to dinner later in the evening for burgers and talking. The sun burned hot on my legs, and I sat there very thankful for the heat, shorts, and my love of reading.
Stuart and Brian pulled up in Brian's car. I set my book on my lap, anticipating them coming to say hello.
Brian answered his phone as he stepped out of the car.
“Hello…? Amanda, hi… You're where…? What happened?” He rubbed his forehead with his free hand. He sat on the hood, his face in blank shock as he stared at the ground. He was silent. Amanda must've have had a lot to say.
I knew I shouldn't listen in, but I had to. I'd never heard him talk to her aside from the few phrases I overheard at my parents’ house. “Your mom won't throw a fit…? Amanda, I don't know what to say… Yeah, he's doing great—more than great… I promise to get him down to see you soon…” There was another long break. Brian still hadn't moved. Stuart stood close, a look of concern on his face. “No, it doesn't matter where you are. He needs to see his mom.” Brian kicked his foot in the dirt. “Okay, thanks for the call. I p
romise to be in touch… Okay, bye.” He stared at his phone.
I suddenly felt like I should hide. Whatever they'd just talked about was personal. I knew that much. And it had affected Brian in a way I'd never seen. I slid down in my chair.
“Brian?” Stuart asked. He put his hand on Brian's shoulder.
“That was Amanda.” His voice came out in a hoarse whisper.
“What's going on?”
“She's apparently been smuggling drugs or pills or something over the Mexican border. It seems completely unreal. I mean, I know it happens… It's why she's been so hard to reach. She was arrested yesterday. She doesn't want Nathan with her mother. She'd, um… rather have him with me.”
“You okay?” Stuart asked.
“Uh… I don't know.” Brian started toward his apartment door. Stuart followed.
I could just hear them under the porch.
“Brian?” I heard Stuart say.
“I can't help but feel a little responsible. I really messed up her life, and I didn't mean to.” Brian leaned his back against his door. He glanced up, and our eyes caught.
I immediately looked back down. I felt horrible for listening and even worse because of the look on Brian's face.
“Brian, people make their own choices.”
“And people send other people over the edge.” Brian's voice was hard with something I couldn't place. Anger? Sadness? Frustration? Probably a combination. Stuart walked back up the stairs.
“Dad?” Nathan came out of the Rileys’ house.
“Nope. Just me. Your dad is busy for a little longer. Mind hanging out with me?” Stuart asked.
I wanted Nathan. I wanted to sit with him and watch cartoons and enjoy the last few minutes before he knew his mom was in jail and he wouldn't get to stay with her anymore. My heart hurt for him, for Brian, and I felt like there was nothing I could do.
thirty-three
I heard a quiet knock on my door. It must be Nathan. It seemed that I was his Tuesday person. We'd never sat down with a schedule to figure out how we'd all help, but Nathan was always with me on Tuesday.
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