“Thanks.” I leaned on my sewing table and rested my chin on my hand. It was nice to talk to her about something other than being sick. “I really needed it.”
“I'm proud of you.” She touched the edge of the two cravats waiting for their hand stitching. “Can I help?”
“I'm close, it's good. Why don't you go outside and help them finish up? I'm sure I'll finish before the party.” I took another length of thread and set it through the eye of my needle.
“You know how much they appreciate all this work you're doing.” Mom kissed me on the top of my head as she walked toward the door.
“That's why I'm still doing it.” I didn't look up. I continued sewing. I wanted to be outside, I felt locked in a tower or dungeon to finish my girly indoor tasks while everyone else played in the backyard. I picked up the last cravat. The last one. Finally.
I did my best to keep the stitches small and even despite how sick I was of looking at the stupid cravats. The dark blue and black fabric would be burned into my memory forever. My fingers hurt—a thimble only protects one finger at a time, and nothing can fix fatigue.
“Leigh?” Mom stood in my doorway.
“Just finishing up.” I kept stitching, the repetition so automatic that my brain turned off hours ago.
“Let me.” Mom sat down and took the needle in one hand and the cravat in the other.
I unbowed my head for the first time in… a while. “You look pretty, Mom.” Mom's dress was a beautiful coral, brought in snug at the waist. It showed off her trim figure. I could hear the party outside.
“And you should too. Get dressed. I'll finish.”
“Okay,” I pointed to the corner she was approaching with the needle. “Keep the stitches especially tiny here because it'll take the most amount of pressure.”
“I got it, Leigh. Get dressed.” Mom was already as absorbed as I had been a few moments ago. She bit her lower lip like she always did while working on a tedious project.
I dug through my closet and pulled out a pale blue and white wrap dress. Easy. I slid on a pair of ballet flats and hit the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror for a few minutes. Even though I'd been sewing for three or four days straight, I looked okay. My cheeks were fuller and my pale skin was replaced with a healthy glow. I pulled out mascara and ran the brush through my lashes. Lip gloss next, and I didn't bother with anything else. Simple. Easy.
“Done,” I said at the same time as Mom.
“Oh, you look pretty.” She emerged from my bedroom as I emerged from the bathroom.
“Thanks.”
“Shall we?” Mom started toward the door. I followed. My brain and body felt numb from sitting hour after hour in my room with a project in my lap. Following Mom was about the only thing I could manage.
I didn't recognize our backyard. Paper lanterns and streamers were strung between the houses and created a near canopy. They could have done the reception in the backyard instead of the stuffy hotel we'd all be in the next day. I could smell the food from the barbecue, and there were people everywhere.
“Wow.” I stopped at the top of my steps.
“I know.” She touched my back briefly. “Go enjoy yourself, Leigh. You've been trapped inside too long.”
“There you are.” Dad came behind both of us. He put his lips on Mom's cheek, slid his arm around her waist, and walked out to dance. Even in our fairly small backyards, they disappeared into the people quickly.
I couldn't move yet. I'd been still for too long, and I wanted to take in more of the backyard.
“You having fun?” Jaron rested his arm on my shoulders.
“I just got here. It's beautiful. I can't believe what you did with the backyard, and I can't believe you're about to get married.” It blew me away. I wondered if it would feel as foreign after he got married.
“Me too.” He let his hand drop. “How about you, Leigh? I'd love to see someone make you happy like Megan does for me. You can't have sworn off boys forever.”
“I…”
“What about Brian?” He tilted his head, gauging my reaction.
“Brian?” Brian who had been in my thoughts, whose lines of friendship and brotherly protector were blurry, and who I was completely confused about.
“Yeah, Brian. You know, my roommate, the guy who lives next door,” he tried to stick a finger in my dimple, but I couldn't find a smile. He mentioned Brian, did that mean something?
“I know who you're talking about, but he's been like another brother next door. I'm sure he thinks of me as Jaron's kid sister.” That thought hit me the other day, but I didn't know how I felt about it anymore.
“Leigh.” Jaron put his arm around my shoulder, resting his weight on one leg. He whispered in my ear. His voice was soft and slow. “He's not your brother.”
I forgot to breathe. It was the way Jaron said it, like he knew something I didn't. If he did know something I didn't, did that mean Brian felt some of the same things that had been confusing me? It was a lot to take in.
“And here he comes.” Jaron smiled, taking a deep breath, trying to dispel the tension for both of us.
Brian's smile was wide as he moved toward us. “Dance with me, Leigh. You have to save me from Megan's sisters.” His smile continued as he grabbed my hands and pulled me away from Jaron. The music played about a third of the way into an old version of “Stand by Me.”
My heart beat hard, as if trying to escape from my chest. I stared into Brian's eyes. I had no words. He took my hand in his and rested his other hand low on my back. Brian's expression soft-ened. I slid my hand up his arm to rest it on his shoulder. I let a slow breath out, willing myself to relax. It didn't work. Brian needed to be comfortable. I needed to make him my comfortable place again. I stepped closer and leaned my head against his chest. He responded by tightening his arm around my lower back. I didn't know if that was better or not, but I had no idea what to say to him, so closeness seemed safer than talking.
The way Jaron spoke made me feel like Brian liked me in the way that I'd started to like him. What would that mean for us? For our friendship? Our relationship had seemed so clear-cut, so defined. Well, it had to me… until recently.
He brought our hands to his chest, and I took another deep breath, trying to slow my heart. How long had we been dancing? Two songs? Three? More? We barely moved. I enjoyed the warmth of him. I unconsciously pulled his shoulder toward me. His arm wrapped further around my back until his hand held onto my side. The nervous tingling in my stomach spread.
I felt dizzy and started to pull away. My eyes lifted, and all I could see were Brian's eyes, soft and searching mine. We were stuck there, staring at one another.
He hadn't loosened his arms. “Leigh, I need to talk to you…”
My stomach twisted in knots, not over what he said but the way he said it, the way he looked at me. Like I wasn't his sister. I knew what he was going to say, or I knew some of what he was going to say. Once the words were out, there'd be no going back, no friendly Brian because things would be different. Could I give that up? What would it change?
“Can it wait until tomorrow?” I whispered, pulling away a little. Did I want things to change? I wasn't sure.
He nodded, pressing his lips together into a thin smile. “Sure, Leigh.”
“Thank you.” I needed some thinking time.
He let out a small breath, and his shoulders slumped down. “Night, Leigh.”
He pulled gently with his hand, and I stepped willingly back into his arms. His hands slid around my sides and across my back. I let my head fall back onto his chest. He tilted his head far enough down to give me a kiss on the forehead. I had to get away, before it was too much. Before we were at a point we couldn't return from. I stood back and let my hands slide down his arms, and we stood facing one another for a moment before he let my hands fall away. I needed to move, but I didn't want to let him go.
I couldn't look at him as I walked away. He'd be watching with his deep brown eyes,
and I was afraid of what I'd see. I started toward my house. Mom and Dad still danced closely. Dad had been a good dad, but he had been a great husband. They still looked at each other the way they had in their wedding photos, like they were completely lost in the moment.
“Good night you two.” I stepped between them, putting an arm around each of them.
“You okay, Leigh?” Mom asked. “You just got here.”
“Been a busy day, Mom, but I'm fine, I promise.” I kissed her cheek.
“Okay.” Her forehead creased as if she wasn't sure whether or not to believe me.
“Night, sweetie,” Dad said. “We'll see you tomorrow!”
“Don't stay out too late.” I wove around a few more couples before reaching the top of my steps.
I looked back at the party. Brian caught my eye. I brought my hand up to wave. He waved back, and I stepped down the stairs.
Was I hiding? Maybe I was, but it's all I could think of to do. I had to find a distraction. I stood in our living room and felt like a huge coward for running from Brian. I had to find a way to get some peace so I could rest. I knew the wedding would be a busy day. I needed to pray. I walked into my room and kneeled on the floor by my bed.
“Dear Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for my health, for the blessings of friends and family. I ask Thee for two things, Father. I need sleep.” I smiled at that. “And I need to know about Brian. I just need Thy help in knowing what I want and what I feel and what he feels and…” I wasn't sure how to continue. “I thank Thee for the blessing he's been in my life. Help me to recognize Thy will and Thy Spirit, Father. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
I knew my comfort would come. That fact alone helped me relax. The tension in my stomach began to dissolve in earnest.
Brian crept into my thoughts. After the way he looked at me earlier, he needed to be in my thoughts. I thought about the easy way we got along, how he loved my brother, how my parents adored him. I thought about his smile, how good he'd been to me. He'd helped me out so many times I couldn't even begin to count them. I remembered how badly I'd judged him when we first met, and I thought about how he half carried me down the trail on that horrible hike when we barely knew each other. I'd thought of him like my brother only because he was so easy to be around and because he and my brother had always been together.
I thought of times when Brian and I talked about his life, what he felt were his shortcomings. I remembered lying in the hammock with Nathan and the way Brian had looked at me that day. How had I mistaken that look for anything else? Brian was good for me.
If Brian and I moved forward, it would be the real thing. We knew each other too well for it to be anything less. My heart raced at the thought of him. It felt as if I couldn't take in a deep breath. I rested my hand on my chest, willing my heart to slow down.
My hands slowly unwrapped my dress, and I found pajamas. My heart still raced. I needed something else to do.
I rechecked the dresses, their hangers, bags, buttons, and hems. I laid the cravats across the back of the couch. Megan's dress hung on a hook on the living room wall. She looked beautiful wearing it. She'd look even more beautiful for their wedding.
Even though the couch held miscellaneous items for the following day, I sat. I pictured Jaron and Megan kneeling across the altar. I pictured the possibility of Brian and me kneeling across the altar. My breath caught, and I touched the corners of my eyes. I wouldn't just get Brian; I'd get Nathan too. Maybe not at the temple, but I'd get Nathan. Ways will be provided. I couldn't hold back the tears.
I wanted to talk to him again. I wanted to tell him that he was so right, so perfect that I suddenly couldn't imagine my life without him. There would be no sleeping until Brian and I talked.
My pajamas were dirty, but I really didn't feel like changing again. I opened the door to the backyard. No lights, no people, no music. How had I missed that? Where was Megan? Possibly with her parents? My heart sank. How would I get a chance to talk to Brian now? I stood at the stop of the stairs, unsure of what to do. I almost walked back down, but maybe lights were on in Brian's house and I could say hi that way. I walked to the corner of the house and looked toward the front. My body turned toward home again. What kind of a mess had I gotten myself into?
“Leigh? Are you lost?” Brian's chuckle filled the backyard.
“No, I'm…” I squinted into the darkness. “Where are you?”
“I've stolen your hammock.”
I walked straight to the back corner of the yard. My eyes adjusted quickly to the darkness. I had to see him again.
“Are you okay?”
“I…” I had no idea what to say to him.
“Leigh?” His voice still had an edge of laughter to it.
“You're the one who wanted to say something.” I sat down in front of him, crossing my legs; just like I had on the day he explained his tattoos.
He looked suddenly uncomfortable, readjusting his body to see me better.
“Can't sleep?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I like you, Leigh.” He smiled sideways at me.
“I like you too, Brian,” I teased.
“No, I mean… what do I mean…” He laughed at himself quietly. “I just… I'm… I think you're the most remarkable woman I've ever met. You're smart and funny, and you make me feel like I'm something of the person I want to be.” He paused again, searching my face and looking for words.
And there it was, the words I knew he had. He climbed out of the hammock and sat in front of me on the ground. Our knees touched between us.
My heart pounded hard. Nothing between us would ever be the same. We'd crossed a boundary, with just the beginnings of an admission from him. He picked my hands off my lap and took them in his. I watched Brian as he watched our hands together. I had no words, not yet. I let my fingers slide through his and be touched by him as he moved our hands together. He kept his eyes down. I kept my eyes on him.
“I want you to think about us. To think about us as more than friends because I know you don't, I'm sure you don't… I've tried to tell you so many times and something stopped me every…”
I pushed myself forward and pressed our lips together. His lips against mine were like nothing I'd ever felt. Comfortable but electric all at once. Perfect. He softly kissed me back. How did I get so brave? Or was Brian just that important?
“Leigh,” he breathed out.
I put a hand on either side of his face. He closed his eyes at my touch. I leaned forward and kissed him again. Every part of me tingled with warmth and happiness. He kissed me back softly, took my hands in his, and kissed them both. We sat there close, our hands between us, our fingers laced together. I never wanted to move.
“You know I'm a lot older than you.” Our foreheads touched, neither of us willing to move away from the other.
“Practically ancient.”
“And that I come with a lot of history, an ex-wife…”
I nodded, unsure if I'd be able to speak. “And Nathan.” My eyes welled up again. I had goose bumps.
“You're beautiful,” he breathed out, “in every sense of the word.” His head dropped down until our noses touched.
“That's only because you haven't noticed that my hair hasn't seen shampoo in, like, three days and my pajamas are on their fourth or fifth night of wear.”
He chuckled and ran his hands over my cheeks. “It isn't weird for you? Kissing me?” He raised an eyebrow.
“The past couple of weeks have been… confusing. But no.” I shook my head. “It's easy. With you it's easy. Everything's easy.”
“You have no idea, Leigh.” He closed his eyes briefly. “How I've watched you and wondered and…”
“Brian.” What would be the most important thing? “I love this, just being around you. Being with you in any way, driving, walking up the street, doing nothing at all. I love this.”
“I love you, Leigh.” The words ran through me, making me want more. His brown eyes looked into me.
Wow. I had it. Right then, what I'd said at the beginning of the year. I sat in front of Brian, a complete mess from my day, in my dirty pajamas, and he loved me. And he meant it. I knew in that moment what my future would be.
“I love you too, Brian.”
discussion questions
1. Why do you think the boys were so attracted to Leigh? Why do you think she was so oblivious to attention? Do you think those two things are related?
2. In a conversation with Jaron, Leigh says the following: “We only see what's close to us, but if we allow ourselves to simply feel, and not see, we can understand so much more.” What does Leigh mean by this? Have you had any experiences like this?
3. Leigh mentions that she finds Brian intimidating, in both looks and experience. Noah she settles in with right away. What does Leigh's relationships with Noah and Brian say about how we can be swayed by appearances?
4. How did Leigh's pride cloud her judgment in her actions with Noah?
5. Do you think Leigh's relationship with Nathan affected her relationship with Brian? How so?
6. Leigh refuses Noah, suddenly knowing that he's not a good choice for her. Have you ever had to say no to something you really wanted simply because you knew it wasn't the right thing for you to do? Or the right time?
7. Leigh has a bench in Temple Square. (If you're curious, it's the one in front of the Restoration of the Priesthood statue.) Do you have a place that's spiritually significant to you? A place where you've received personal revelation?
8. How does Leigh's perception of her body change as she begins college, dates Noah, and finally begins to date Brian?
9. Leigh was a spiritual powerhouse when she began college, but even she got off track. What does this tell us about our own needs as spiritual beings?
The Next Door Boys Page 26