by Geneva Lee
“But you knew you would have company. It’s the proper thing to do. Your mother would never have been so thoughtless.”
This is the new weapon in my father’s arsenal: reminding me of how much I pale in comparison to her. He’d utilized it a few times in Valmont, but he’s taken the comparisons to a new level since he found out about my pregnancy.
It takes every ounce of energy in me to dredge up the sugary sweet southern attitude he expects—the one that will keep this encounter from going sour. “I’m sorry, that I was thoughtless. I guess you’ll have to go buy some. There’s a store on the corner.”
He stiffens at the suggestion, and I remember that he’s not a man who buys things for himself.
“Felix,” he barks. “Go buy some bourbon.”
That’s when I realize that he’s completely helpless. Money might buy power. It might open doors. It can even close them. But money doesn’t make the man, not if there was no man to start out.
Felix disappears with a furtive glance in my direction, returning a moment later with his wool overcoat and hat. “Adair, would you like anything? Should I pick up dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” I mutter. Anxiety churns in my stomach like bubbling acid making the thought of eating a bite while my father is here unthinkable.
“A little something,” Felix coaxes. “Remember, you’re still eating for both of you.”
“If she’s not hungry, drop it,” Daddy orders. “She needs to take off the pregnancy weight before she returns to public life.”
I wince, casting my eyes down to Ellie, who’s fallen asleep again, and cradle her closer, taking care not to wake her.
But Felix doesn’t back down. “She has plenty of time for that, but now she needs to look after her health as well as the baby’s.”
My father turns slowly, pivoting his body around the tip of his cane like a compass. His upper lip curls, and I brace for impact. It’s not like Felix to challenge him. I didn’t expect to ever see it. But if Felix is intimidated he doesn’t show it. I’ve seen my father argue before with business associates. Those times it was like watching two goats lock heads, the more determined won by refusing to give out regardless of cost or time or reason. That’s not what this is. There are no horns for my father to meet, and, for the first time, I see him not as the willfully stubborn creature I’d always believed him to be, but as a snake, rising from its coiled position, deciding whether or not to strike.
But Felix’s response is not what I expect. He doesn’t submit like a cornered mouse or freeze like a deer, he doesn’t move at all. But somehow, he grows larger than I’ve ever seen him until his presence looms over us like that of a challenged bear.
“It doesn’t matter as she won’t need to feed the baby much longer,” my father says with a shrug. The snake could strike but why risk getting crushed. “Do it if you like. She can waste the food or eat it. What do I care?”
“What do you mean?” I ask slowly.
He locks in on me instead. “Perhaps, Felix would like to get the bourbon I requested.”
“Felix,” I say softly, knowing I can’t fight with Ellie in my arms, “could you please run down to the store? I’ll take some cookies.”
“I’ll be back shortly.” It’s a promise and a warning rolled into one.
“What did you mean about me not feeding the baby?” I ask as soon as he’s gone.
“Your brother and Ginny arrived with me this evening. They’re getting their hotel suite ready to take the baby, and we’ll fly back in a few days. Ginny wants to do some Christmas shopping first.”
“They’re here?” I can’t process this. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Does it matter?” he asks. “This was the arrangement.”
“She’s a person, not a piece of property. I can’t just ship her over to their hotel in a few days. I need to get her things together. I need to get her used to a bottle. I need…”
I need to say goodbye. I need to memorize every bit of her— the way her fingers curl around mine when she’s falling asleep, her soft adorable snore, the copper hair as fine as down that curls at the nape of her neck. I need to figure out how to put her in someone else’s arms and walk away. The list is too long, and I realize that I could spend the rest of my life trying to finish it.
Because a mother isn’t supposed to say goodbye. She’s supposed to stay.
“A few days?” he repeats, not noticing that I’ve fallen silent. “I imagine they’ll want to come tonight. Perhaps, tomorrow morning. Ginny is excited to meet her daughter and take her Christmas shopping. I’m sure they’ve thought of everything she needs. You can pack up anything you want to send along. It’s not as though you’ll want baby crap cluttering up your apartment.” He laughs as though we’re in on some joke. When I don’t join, he finally pauses. “You are staying in London like we discussed?”
Instead of answering, I sit in stunned silence. I tell my body to nod my head, but it doesn’t comply. A dozen responses jam in my throat as my brain tries to decide which one to send to my lips. I can’t even think, so I watch Ellie sleep and hope this mess will untangle itself.
“I bought the flat,” he continues, “as per our agreement. You are staying here?”
That was laid out in the document I’d signed. They didn’t trust me to sign the adoption paperwork after the baby was born. So a contract was drafted, promising that I would allow Malcolm and Ginny to adopt the baby. They insisted I sign it. In exchange, all medical bills would be paid for both of us. I’d keep the flat in London. And Ellie would be a MacLaine. We all agreed to anonymity. Only a few people know about it. My family. Judd Harding, my father’s lawyer. Felix. It’s their insurance policy, and the plan I agreed to, knowing it’s best for both of us.
I am staying in London. I just have to say it, accept it, and move on. But then, tiny fingers close around mine, Ellie smiles at me in her sleep, and the whole world shifts on its axis.
“No.” For a moment, I think my brain got the signals crossed and jolted the wrong answer out of me. I can’t believe I said it.
“You’re not staying in London?” His brow furrows, confused. It’s not a predicament he’s accustomed to so he paces across the room towards us.
There’s nowhere for me to go, but I don’t shrink as he approaches. I puff up, arms locking around my daughter. Something wild takes a hold of me. Something I don’t know if I should trust, but which leaves me no choice not to. “Don’t come any closer.”
He stops in his tracks, and I think it might be the first time he’s ever followed a woman’s direction. It’s certainly the first time, he’s ever done anything I asked of him.
“Adair.” His tone is rich with warning. “Everything is arranged. You agreed to it. It’s for the best.”
“No,” I repeat.
There is no other answer crowding my thoughts now. I know exactly what my choice is: I will not give up my daughter.
“You are not in a position to say no to me,” he roars. Instantly, Ellie’s eyes snap open and her startled cry shatters the air. The pure panic in it shocks him enough to shut him up.
“You can’t force me to give her up.” I shift her onto my shoulder, shushing her gently as I try to soothe her. “Don’t worry. I’m here.”
“You’ll ruin her life,” he murmurs.
I look up sharply, expecting to find the malevolent snake poking its clever head out of the grass. Instead, there’s just a man. There’s nothing powerful or intimidating or impressive about him. He’s stopped, propping himself with his cane, and I don’t know if he’s tired physically or mentally, but he looks wrung out, sapped of whatever vital force usually propels him.
“Like her father’s parents ruined his,” he says.
I’ve told the lie so many times it’s become automatic. Soon, I’ll believe it, too. “I don’t know—”
“We’re MacLaines,” he stops me. “We always know a lie when we hear it.”
Do we? I’ve always thought I cou
ld see through people, but I hadn’t been able to see through Sterling. I’d glimpsed him. It wasn’t until he opened up, peeled off his armor piece by piece that I finally saw who he really was. And then, I’d turned out to be completely wrong.
My father seems to be thinking the same thing. “He was poor. He grew up with nothing. No money. No security. No family. A mother who couldn’t protect him, and look what he became. A liar. A con man. He used you without a second thought. What happens if he comes looking for you? What if he tries to shake you down again?”
“He won’t,” I say. Somehow I know this is true. He got what he wanted. My father sent the check. He left town. Except he didn’t just leave town. Francie told me he’d joined the Marines. She told me he lost his scholarship. She blamed me.
And I’d been so blinded by my broken heart, I didn’t see what was right in front of me. A MacLaine always knows a lie when we hear it.
“I told him I knew what he had done in the past, that he was unsuitable for you, and that he would never provide you with the kind of life I could.”
I’d believed my father because he wasn’t lying. Not about the tape. The tape existed.
“Is it true?” I ask. “Did you have his scholarship yanked?”
He wags his finger at me. “He deserved worse. Don’t feel sorry for him!”
“Did you send the money?”
“What money?” he repeats.
“The blackmail money. Did you send it?”
“Of course,” he snarls. “I won’t chance that filth leaking out to the press.”
And there it is. He didn’t do it to protect me. He did it to protect himself, his reputation, his name.
I don’t really care why he did it. What I do care about is all the pieces that don’t add up. If Sterling’s plan was to take the money why did he join the military? He didn’t give the money to Francie. She’d made that clear.
“He didn’t have any other options. So if he dies out there, his blood is on your hands.”
“And the money?”
“What about it?” he snaps.
“It’s spent, deposited…?”
He hesitates before finally saying, “No.”
Why would Sterling Ford ruin his life with my father’s uncashed check in his pocket?
“It was a game, Adair,” he tells me. “A broken boy played a game with your heart, and when a bigger player came to the board, he attacked. He sent me that tape for one reason.”
I’m tired of half answers and insinuation. “What was that?”
His eyes flicker over me before skittering to the wall again. “So, that I’d never be able to look at you the same way.”
A piece of me I didn’t know could be broken shatters. I don’t know if he’s right about Sterling. Maybe I’m a fool, and I never really knew him. Maybe there’s some day I will understand. But regardless of whether he’s right about why he did it or I’m right that he didn’t do it, I’m still responsible like Francie said. I stood back and watched while he was stripped of his pride. That’s why he didn’t track me down or say goodbye. I didn’t deserve it. Not then. Not now. I never will. “Then, I guess he’s not going to come back.”
The front door opens, and I stand, ready to run to Felix.
“Finally,” my father says. “I need a drink.”
“When don’t you?”
“The moral highroad doesn’t suit a sinner. You’re not a martyr. You’re just a stupid girl who’s read too many books to have any common sense. You want to keep your baby?” he asks. “And give her what? You don’t own the clothes on your back. You can’t feed her. You only have one way to protect her. Me. This family. You can’t do this on your own.”
“Keep the baby?” A shrill voice repeats.
I look up in time to see a vase of flowers slip from Ginny’s fingers followed by the sound of breaking glass. Malcolm glares beside her. Felix bustles past with a bottle of bourbon, looking determined to stay out of the matter.
“What are you talking about?” Malcolm demands.
“We don’t need to discuss this right now,” I say.
But my father is already talking. “Your sister has had a change of heart. It seems she’s chosen the bastard over her family name.”
“Noooo,” Ginny moans.
“We have a contract.” Malcolm storms into the room, heading straight for the baby like he’s going to tear her out of my arms. I recoil, clutching Ellie to my chest. “We’ve seen to everything. The paperwork is drawn up. The name change is ready to be filed. Ginny just finished the nursery plans. She’s been dreaming about this for weeks!”
But I’m not looking at him. I’m looking at his wife. Ginny hasn’t moved an inch, but all the blood has washed from her face. She takes one wobbly step but can’t seem to go any farther.
“I wish I could give you what you need, but you have to understand, she’s my baby.”
“That I paid for,” Malcolm grumbles.
“She’s not something you can buy and sell.” I hold her closer, wondering how they can’t see this.
“And yet you had no problem taking my money and running out of the country to have a child out of wedlock,” my father piles on.
I look to Felix. He stands in the corner, watching all of us, and I wish he would step in and calm everyone down. He’s the one who can handle my father and soothe Ginny and distract Malcolm. Why isn’t he? Help! I send the S.O.S. silently, but instead of answering he turns away. Why would he do that now when I need him the most.
Malcolm and Daddy continue to level threats, but I tune them out, rocking from side to side to keep them from waking the baby. There’s no point in arguing with them. Not right now. Once a MacLaine has lost their temper, there’s nothing you can do but wait for them to cool down again. And then there’s Ginny. I can’t bring myself to look at her.
We had never really addressed what happened at the wedding. She’d gone off on her honeymoon, returning to their place in D.C. after so Malcolm could continue his position. I’d only heard from her when she called to tell me she was pregnant. She hadn’t even been the one to tell me when they lost the baby. I’d gotten the bad news from my father by text. Most of the arrangements regarding the planned adoption had come through my father during his visits. This is the first time I’ve actually been in the same room with her since her wedding.
Like most brides, she’d dieted obsessively leading up to the big day. That day, she’d glowed like someone had turned on a lightbulb inside her. She’s as thin today as she was then, maybe even skinnier. But there’s no rosy cheeks or happiness radiating from her. Instead, there are dark circles under her eyes and her high cheekbones don’t look sharp and elegant, they look sunken and gaunt. It’s like all the bits under her skin that make her up are deteriorating. She’s tried to cover it up with make-up: thick, camouflaging concealer and bright, pink lipstick. Is all this from losing her own baby? What is losing the chance to adopt Ellie going to do to her?
“Ginny, I’m sorry,” I begin.
“No, you aren’t,” Malcolm snaps.
But Ginny takes a deep breath. “Can I hold her?”
“Is that a good idea?” Malcolm asks, his eyes darting between us. He reaches for her arm as if to stop her if she decides to anyway. “I don’t want you to get attached.”
“I’m already attached.” She yanks her arm free. “And, regardless, Elodie is family.”
“Yes,” I speak up before the guilt eats me alive. Even agreeing to it, each step she takes toward me increases my sense of dread. When she reaches for my daughter, I hesitate.
“I’m not going to steal her,” she says gently. Our eyes meet and I see something I thought we’d lost there: understanding.
“Watch her head,” I advise, passing the baby to her, my hand hovering protectively under her. “She’s still floppy.”
“Floppy?” Ginny repeats with a smile. “Is that a technical term?”
“I can’t think of a better way to describe it.”
I breathe a sigh of relief when the men leave, and it’s just me and her and the baby. Ginny studies Ellie’s sleeping face, then she inspects her fingers and toes. It’s not like earlier when Malcolm was upset over me changing my mind. She’s not checking out a potential acquisition. She’s trying on the role of mother. I know because it’s the first thing I did when they handed Ellie to me in the hospital.
“She’s perfect,” she says softly.
Ginny wants to be a mother. I know that. It’s why she’s looking at her that way. The oddest wave of jealousy roles over me. She’s everything I won’t ever be now. A college graduate. A wife. Wealthy. But somehow I still have the one thing she wants.
“I’m sorry,” I say again. “I can’t explain why. I just know I can’t live without her.”
“She’s your baby. You love her.” She looks up and gives me a brittle smile. “I just wish I hadn’t fallen in love with the idea.”
“You and Malcolm will get another chance. You two just got married. I know losing the pregnancy was rough. I’m so sorry you went through that. I can’t imagine how much that hurts, but you can’t give up.” I want to reach out and take Ellie back, but I can’t bring myself to take her away from Ginny.
Ginny swallows, returning to stare at Ellie who’s smiling in her sleep again. “I can actually. Or, rather, I should. We had some tests done. I can’t have children.”
“But…” I don’t know what to say to this.
“I can get pregnant, but I’ll probably never carry to term,” she continues. “Cruel, isn’t it? But you’re right, there will be other babies. We can adopt. It will take time.”
“I didn’t know.” Why hadn’t my father told me? Would it have changed my mind? Not about keeping Ellie. Nothing could do that. But I might have thought about things more before I agreed to this plan.
“They’re going to cut you off,” she murmurs. “What are you going to do? Where will you go?”
“I have friends,” I say. Now I really want to grab Ellie from her arms, even though she’s not being harsh. She’s being as gentle as possible. It’s the truth that hurts. Still, I know Poppy will help me get on my feet once I tell her the truth. She’ll be furious. I can’t blame her for that, but I know she’ll understand once I explain.