by J L Park
I followed him through a maze of hallways, to a more open room with several chairs. Maria sat in one, across the room from Mother and Father. Jameson must have selected a section other than Pius, or he would be here as well.
“Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, Mrs. Smith - Reed Taylor.” The guard motioned for me to sit down and took his place at the door. I sat in a chair halfway between Maria and my parents, giving Maria a small nod. Mother gasped and covered her mouth when she glimpsed my bruised face. Father couldn’t bring himself to look at me - probably only here because Mother had insisted. Whilst she was submissive as a wife in Pius should be, when it was something she really wanted to do, she would force the issue. It was so rare for her to do, that Father was both shocked that she did it, and dismayed that it was because of me. I caught my mother looking at the guard.
“Sir. May I hug my daughter?”
He nodded, and she stood to hug me. I stood myself, bracing myself for the pain that came with being hugged.
“Reed, what the hell?” she muttered in my ear, shocking me with her use of language. I caught her eye as she moved away and looked down ashamed.
“Reed Hadley Taylor, what did you think you were doing?” my father snapped, refusing to look at me, “Do you know the shame that comes with having a child who is a Runaway, and then a Non-Sel? The shame you’ve caused your family? Your brother made his choice and has moved on to Luculentus, but your little stunt took the shine off of his day. What do you have to say for yourself?”
I looked up from my lap, tired of trying to be submissive when what I felt was angry. I saw Maria shake her head and dropped my head again. I couldn’t blurt out what I wanted to say, or they’d realise I was Taken and things would get worse for me, not better.
“Father. I cannot say anything that will make what I did right. I am sorry that I ruined Jameson’s day, by not turning up to make my decision, and causing all this fuss. I do not deserve your forgiveness and do not expect to receive it. I am sorry I have caused this family shame, and will not request forgiveness for these actions, as one’s reputation cannot be repaired with an apology.”
I could see Maria squeezing her jacket in frustration. The Pius way was difficult to understand for those who were not of it from birth, or who did not choose it. I knew it all too well, and it meant nothing to say what I knew they needed to hear, my insides screaming for me to just say what I felt, but I knew that couldn’t happen yet.
He nodded. “Well, you’re alive, that's one thing. You can start by earning back our family respect.”
I frowned, “Father, I cannot return to Pius.”
He looked startled and began to protest. “You will come back to Pius, and making amends for the shame you have caused, and the respect we have lost as a family.”
“Father, I cannot. They will no longer have me.”
“What?”
“My apologies, Father, but all the Sections do not do two things outside Selection Day - take back either Runaways or the Taken who survive the punishment meted out for them, or those who have chosen in error and wish to return.”
He nodded, remembering, frustration at being unable to force me to redeem the shame my 'running away' had caused the family clear on his face. If only he knew.
“So I shall need to choose another section.”
Silence ensued, as he pondered what else to say. My mother looked up and in Maria’s direction.
“Mrs… Smith? Did you find Reed?” she asked Maria.
“Yes, she was outside the boundaries, in some farm land, wandering cut and beaten. I recognised her, from the posters. So I picked her up and brought her here.”
I nodded, confirming Maria’s story.
“Thank you for returning our daughter to us alive.”
Maria nodded. The guard in the corner coughed.
“Time’s almost up, folks. Is Reed to stay with us until trial and selection, or will one of you be providing accommodation for her?”
Father shook his head. “She will not be welcome in Pius, she cannot stay with us.”
Mother frowned, but her posture changed to disappointment.
“She can stay with me in Arator,” Maria called out. Mother nodded
“Thank you, Mrs. Smith, has that been cleared with Mr. Smith?”
“It has, Mrs. Taylor.”
“Well then, Reed - you can stay with Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”
She stood to give me another hug, as my father rose, nodding to acknowledge Maria’s offer, but walking out.
My mother approached me and took me in another hug, murmuring inaudibly in my ear. “Sorry, Mother. I missed that. What did you say?”
She squeezed me tighter. “Reed, were you Taken?”
I tried to pull away, shocked, but she held tighter, “It's okay. I won’t tell anyone, I get it. It’s okay if you were,”
I nodded into her shoulder, feeling her stifle a sob, “Shit.”
The guard was watching us, but not making a move to pull my mother away from me.
“I’m sorry, Mother.”
“Don’t you dare be sorry. It's not your fault.” she whispered, “I’m so sorry it happened and I’m sorry, we can’t…”
I nodded, and pulled away this time.
“I understand, Mother. Sorry for the fuss I have caused.” I looked her in the eye, finding an understanding I’d never had before from her. So many questions rose, that I could never ask, would never have the answer to, would just have to assume. She nodded and lowered her head as she left the room.
“Come on, Reed. We can go now.”
The guard handed me back the yellow and blue clothing, and a pile of grey. I had given up the right to wear colours, when I had run away, until I decided in the next few weeks. Maria shepherded me out to the front stairs. She couldn’t talk until we were back at her place, given I was in greys and it was still very obvious I was a Runaway. The silence gave me time to think, without having to explain myself.
My father’s words had drummed home I didn’t belong in Pius, and given the anger in my thoughts about what he had had to say, the way he had said it, it was becoming clearer I didn’t belong in GreyBrook at all, that I’d just had the misfortune of being born into it, rather than around when it had been created. I sighed, my frustration at the whole thing bubbling just under the surface. Maria lent over and whispered in my ear
“You okay?”
I nodded, eyes cast down to my feet, careful not to speak to her yet.
We walked in silence to the house until the moment the door shut behind me. Maria couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“Your father….what a piece of work!”
I laughed, an odd sound to my ears. “He’s not that bad. Just strict, and well, born Pius, very loyal to Pius, and not afraid to say so.”
“Well, there was that. He is very Pius-like, but not that. It was that he focused on the Selection Day for your brother, but not that it was also yours. It grates on me.”
“I get it. But Law isn’t kind to us as females, you know that it’s the same all over GreyBrook.”
She nodded.
“Except in Pius, it’s taken further. Girls, aside from our usefulness at cooking, cleaning, having and caring for babies, we aren’t valued in Pius. We are property until we are married. Then we are his property.”
She cringed, then looked at me shocked, when I giggled, “But, all today did was cement for me I didn’t want to go back to Pius whether I could or not. I’m too different for them. I’m okay with it, Maria, and I expected what he said, so I’m not surprised”
“Jesus… how did you manage all those years? If you felt more outspoken? Hell, if you knew you were gay?”
I lifted both my arms up over my head, exposing the backs of my biceps to Maria. “I was punished with a strap until I figured out what he wanted me to do, and how he wanted me to behave.”
“That's from the strap? Across your back?”
“No, just my arms. It was somewhere it hurt like a bastard, but i
t was easy to cover.”
What I didn’t tell her was that the scars weren’t all from the strap, that some were from me with a blade. I didn’t want to explain that today.
“Maria? You home?” Steven called as he arrived home, “How did it go?”
“She’s here, Steve.”
I smiled at him as he walked through the door to the lounge. He took in my grey scrubs and nodded.
“I see they believed the Runaway story then. Good. When do you make Selection?”
“Some time in the next few weeks.”
He nodded.
“Thank you for allowing me to stay.” I lowered my eyes, fighting a lifetime of habit.
“No worries. Reed, you can look me in the eyes in this house.”
I forced myself to look up and make eye contact with Steven. “Sorry.”
“I guess it's a lifetime of habit, yes? You need not be Pius here, or even follow the Law with me in this house, okay? Outside, you need to do what will keep us all safe, but I don’t expect it in the house.” He smiled and nudged my shoulder as he walked away.
After a meal, I excused myself to the spare room. I’d asked for some paper and a pen earlier and saw someone had put it on the side table. Whilst I hadn’t done all that much today, I was exhausted. I had expected a negative reaction from my Father but was a little shocked and confused at what my mother had to say as she left. Somehow she’d guessed I’d been Taken, but the look of complete understanding in her eyes confused me most. Why did she never say anything? I sighed, I knew why she couldn’t say anything, Pius was awful to those who were Taken. I felt sad that she had had to live with that her whole life, and hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about it, and now, I couldn’t even ask her.
After a fitful attempt at trying to sleep the afternoon away, my mind racing with the new discovery about my mother, and where I would go from here on Selection Day, I gave up. The pen and paper were right next to my head, kicking off the blanket, I sat up and started to write. Eyes gritty with fatigue, exhausted, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts racing.
Selection wouldn’t be far off for me and relieved that I couldn’t be vetoed back into Pius by my Father, I needed to figure out where I fitted best. Everything had changed from the Selection Day choices I had thought I would make. Pius was the only world I understood before being Taken. I'd been considering changing to another Section, but now I was certain I would not have been able to stomach going back. Especially if he ever found out I was Taken, not a Runaway. My options now were somewhat open.
Rather than care for those unable to care for themselves, as I would have in Pius, tending to their religious, health, and physical needs, I could now be any kind of worker in any Section or protect the City from outsiders. None of the Sections fit me, though - the laws I had issues with in Pius were law GreyBrook wide - there was no escaping them. They would deem me a second-class citizen in any Section.
In Ferox, I’d be a slight oddity given that not all that many females chose Ferox or were admitted if they did, aside from the very fit. Ferox was the best fit for me, but as a female, I would struggle to be accepted. However, they were kinder on Non-Sels than any other Section.
But Luculentus, Perdoctus, and Arator didn’t suit me in more ways. I wasn’t adept at technology at all, just the changes in communications in the time I was in the shed confused me already, and the speed that technology moved these days you had to keep up. Luculentus was a perfect fit for Jameson. He’d always been brighter, more adept at technology, and everything aside from cooking for himself than I was. He’d always been able to keep up, or sometimes was even ahead of the technology coming out from Luculentus - now he got to be a part of creating that change. It appeared that technology had always moved fast, those who had documented their stay in GreyBrook from the very beginning had commented that it moved too fast even way back in 2018, before the creation of GreyBrook and the subsequent moral downfall of the rest of the world.
Arator might work, providing the produce and food products to all of GreyBrook. Maria and Steven seemed happy in Arator, getting their hands dirty collecting the produce, sticky from preparing the food for the rest of GreyBrook. But it didn’t seem enough of a challenge for me, to keep me out of trouble. Maria had been looking for trouble when she stopped to rescue me. I’d likely be in serious trouble before I completed my first few months, unable to keep my thoughts to myself, and being around someone who seemed to agree would only make things worse for me.
Perdoctus was a section I was well aware I wouldn't be able to give justice to. As an educator, I would be too tempted to speak my mind. The teacher before Mr. Hughes had made the mistake of trying to use Philosophy as a place that he would speak out about what his thoughts were. Reported to the Government by the parents of a teenager in my Philosophy class, the rumour was that he had either been banished to the outside to fend for himself, or ‘erased’. We all assumed they both meant he'd been killed. I’d just escaped, I didn’t want to have got out and then be sent straight back there.
Ferox was the one. I sat back looking at the lists I’d made. The list of pros and cons on Ferox was most convincing when I looked down, the pros list longer than every other section, the cons based on if I was accepted, anyway. Turning the paper over, I tried to figure out what I’d need to do to be accepted by Ferox. I was scrawny now, the distinct lack of food in the shed to blame, but I figured a few good meals and I’d be back to my usual self. Athletic ability-wise, I was less fit than I had been, but there wasn’t much I could change about that, as running the streets in Runaway Greys, may invite attention I didn’t want. Maria looked fit, maybe she’d let me go for a run with her? I may be able to gain at least a little more strength if I worked hard at it in the time I had.
Fearlessness was one thing I wasn’t sure about. Before being Taken I’d been afraid of a couple of things, one of which was being Taken. I supposed most females in GreyBrook felt that way when they were out alone. Strangely enough, it had happened, I’d survived, and I wasn’t afraid in the same way. I was, however, afraid in many ways. Walker would never be punished for anything he had done, nor would I ever have it acknowledged that I had been harmed by what he had done. He was still out, able to harm me again. I wasn’t the person I was before the Shed anymore. Parts of me were more fearless, parts of me less so. I hadn’t been alone outdoors since Maria had picked me up, I had loved a good walk alone, with my music playing in my ears. Now, it concerned me, being on my own. I had no idea where Walker was, all I understood for certain is he would be pissed, and sore. I would have to work on my fearlessness if I wanted to get into Ferox, never mind climbing any rankings within Ferox.
“Reed?” A dark brown haired head popped around the corner of my door, “You hungry?”
“Starving.” I grinned at Maria as she came into the room with two plates filled with food.
“Good, cause I can’t eat all of this myself, and Steve’s gone to work, so will have his there. Enjoy.”
We sat on the bed, gorging ourselves on the plates of food. Between mouthfuls, Maria glanced at my scribbling, “So, trying to decide?”
I nodded, swallowing my mouthful.
“Yeah, I’ve only got one choice, but even then, they might not take me," I murmured, shovelling another mouthful in.
“Why do you think that?”
“I’m female, and not in the best shape of my life.” I poked at a rib, “See?”
“So, Ferox then?”
I nodded.
“Well, we can do something about getting you into shape, and feeding you up.”
“We can?”
“Yeah, you aren’t quite the strong specimen you should be, but that's cause you’re still too skinny. Did he not feed you?”
“Not often, no.”
She nodded, a frown creasing her brow as she pondered what she said next, her gaze sliding over the paper.
“And, I can see you were wondering about running to get fit…” She poked at the place o
n the page I’d written Not as a Runaway, Maria? “That would make life difficult for you in greys, but yeah, we can run together. I have to exercise, or all this food gives me several extra pounds that don’t sit well.”
I smiled, still shovelling food in, I hadn’t realised just how hungry I was.
“You think I’d get in though? Without Pius as a back stop, I’d still be Non-Sel if I don’t.” I frowned, “I’m still not sure I’d get past the fearlessness thing.”
Maria reached out, placing her hand on my knee, waiting until I looked up and met her eyes.
“You don’t see it now, I know you don’t. But, you are fearless, Reed. You have survived something that others don’t understand, and won’t unless they’ve been there. Even then, what we go through as Taken is different for everyone. You are strong and you are fearless. If you weren’t, you’d have given up long ago, rather than escape with your life, and continuing to live despite what they tried to do to you, tried to take from you. You’ve already adjusted the way you do things, you’re no longer as Pius as you were when you were Taken - I can see that much, and I didn’t know you before. You already think along the lines of what you need to do to remain safe, to remain alive, and if that means being untruthful, or brutally honest, you’ve done that without flinching. Remember you’ve been out two days at the most. You’ve got to give yourself time.”
“But I don’t have the time, Maria, I have to decide in a couple of weeks, if not sooner. I haven’t got time to be scared, but I am. I don’t have any idea where he is, I'm not sure what I’ll do if I saw him again.”
“If it was today, you’d freeze,” she paused, “but there is nothing wrong with that. As long as you didn’t let it control you. You’ve proven that you can work past that. You didn’t freeze when Steve saw your back. Sure, you reverted to Pius behaviour and lowered your gaze, but you didn’t ask his forgiveness. You stated the truth and didn’t shy away from it when it mattered. It’s okay to be scared sometimes, and sometimes it helps you to be fearless in other areas.”