by J L Park
The shed, I was back in the shed. Blood running down my back, the back that was screaming with pain after a particularly brutal session. He seemed to be worked up by the sight of the blood, pacing and chuckling. I sat, hands and feet so cold I could no longer feel them, purple blocks of ice, waiting for him to make up his mind about what to do next.
“Reed. All done.”
I blinked, back in the room. Paige offered a sad smile, as she helped me put another shirt on, and then climbed into her bed. I left then, returning to my own.
Paige and I were given a few days off duty to recover. As time went on, it become harder to look each other in the eye. Paige continued as a team leader, doing her best not to mess it up in front of Maddox. I could see she was in pain the first few days, but only because I was aware of what to look for, a tiny grimace as she adjusted her shirt, lifting something heavy. However, she made a point of very little eye contact.
The guilt I had for causing her condition, made it difficult to even attempt to make eye contact with her, to fix what had gone wrong. It was my fault we’d been punished, my fault she was in pain, my fault for the whipping, both whipping her and her being forced to whip me. I couldn’t take any of it back, and I had no idea where to start to try to make it better. When I thought about that day, it always seemed confusing. How did we go from one of the best mornings of my life to being forced to whip each other as a punishment, to inflict pain, a familiar pain on each other? A pain with both physical and emotional memories for each of us. I tried to be angry with her, for doing what she was forced to do for not stopping me on the day of the call out, but only found myself angry with Maddox, for knowing what we had experienced at the hands of Walker, and using it as punishment. I kept to myself, aside from out on duty, and made a point of staying away from Maddox wherever I could.
“Reed,” Ti poked her head over the edge of the cubicle wall, “You busy?”
I shook my head, sitting up from reading the little black book, hidden inside another. I tucked them under my pillow as I swung my legs over the side of the bed. Ti sat herself down on the wooden chair, next to my desk.
“What's up?” I asked, not up to talking.
“You guys okay?”
I frowned, it had been weeks since the punishment, why was she worried now?
“What do you mean, Ti?”
“You and Paige. You both seem miserable when you were so happy.” She sighed, “For that brief moment before Maddox turned up, it was so nice to see a group of people really happy.”
“I can’t speak for Paige. I’m… I’m okay. Why do you ask?”
“You sure? You don’t seem it. She doesn’t either.” Ti glanced over towards Paige’s cubicle, Paige was on duty so not within earshot, “I mean, fuck, you guys can hardly stand to be in the same room together, let alone look at each other anymore.” She frowned again, “It’s not like it was her fault she had to… do what she did. Or yours.”
“It was, Ti. Mine, not hers. I disobeyed direct orders and put us all in danger, so I should have been punished. Everything that happened that day was deserved, at least by me.” Ti shook her head, looking at the floor, then back at me. “I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to see me, let alone talk to me.”
“Reed, you are so damn Pius still. Just because you did something that wasn’t a direct order, and went off to do something that worked, doesn’t mean you needed to be beaten like you were. That was just fucking cruel. You guys couldn’t see in the stands that day, but anyone I looked at was cringing with every stroke of that damn whip.” She let a sad smile cross her face, “A couple were actually impressed that you didn’t pass out, particularly with the ones Maddox inflicted. So, it earned you some admirers at least! Err… one person did actually pass out… and is still being heckled about it to this day.” I smiled in spite of myself. “But, you think you deserved it when all you did was figure out what was going on that day, before anyone else, and manage to get it under control without having anyone else harmed in the process. He’s just angry because it could have gone wrong, but it didn’t.”
“I should still have listened and stayed.”
“And, then you, or me, or Paige, or Sasha, or Jordan, or Finn could have all be seriously injured.”
“I do get Maddox’s point though."
She nodded, “Yeah, but have you seen him mete out any punishment on the guys? Aside from those two guys that morning?” I shook my head, “No, because you won’t. If a guy had done that, he’d be a hero. It’s always been this way.”
“Are people punished publicly often?”
“No. I was punished for my thing in Maddox’s office.” She looked slightly ill, remembering. “Though, he was a little weird before he started with the strap.”
“How?”
“I’ve been strapped before. Hell, I was a little terror at school, no one was surprised when I selected Ferox on Selection Day, I could never have stayed in Perdoctus! But never before has any of the guys doing the strapping stroked my damn arse before they started. I don’t know whether he was trying to be confusing - reminding me that I don’t have any right to stop anyone from touching me, before beating that into me. Or whether he was… into it?” She whispered, “I don’t know anyone else to ask, without getting in trouble for mentioning it – ‘cause, you know the law as well as I do - he has every right to touch me. I just feel… weird about it.” I nodded, “Oh, man, what the hell am I saying? How can I be going on about someone touching my arse when you… you’ve…” She trailed off as I put my hand up to stop her.
“If it makes you feel weird, then you’re entitled to feel weird. It’s a violation of your body when you don’t want it to happen, regardless of his intentions. Just because some of us have been through similar things you might think are worse does NOT take away from the fact that he made you uncomfortable.” I had had to whisper, risking everything if anyone had heard our conversation, basically accusing Maddox, which was against the law. Damn it, now I was angry again. I touched her arm, signalling I wanted to give her a hug which she accepted.
“Thanks, Reed.”
“Anytime, and I’ll see what I can do, about me and Paige. Sleep well.”
She nodded, leaving me to my thoughts.
What the hell had I done? Ferox was turning out to be more and more like a bad dream. I had to remember I would have died in Pius, the way I was going, I couldn’t have continued to live in the way I was trying to live. Ferox at least allowed me the possibility to be a little more open about who I was, a little more outspoken. But it still rubbed me the wrong way, and I knew then I HAD to do something about it. What that would entail, I had no idea.
The more I looked around, the more I saw that Ferox was no better than any of the other sections. They still treated women with disdain, punished for the slightest of injustices. I tried to pull away, distance myself from the others, even Paige. Despite being given more responsibility when on duty, I still felt a little lost, and not fitting in, bothered by the same things that bothered me in Pius. I had thought it would be different, just to realise it wasn't – it was disappointing and lonely. I spent my time off reading the little black book, trying to figure out who and what the prophecies meant. Or exploring the city, getting familiar with my surroundings, trying to find a place I fit in.
I enjoyed being able to work with the others, trying to find my place in a group. They moved new recruits around, trying out several groups until there was one that fit. Ferox were difficult to get to know, and they weren’t easy to get along with. Watching my back, the itch of being of watched and observed, of waiting for someone to stab a knife in my back. Symptoms of paranoia I realised, but given the way things were going, it wouldn't have surprised me to find a sharp object in my back at any moment. A subtle leg trip here, a shove there.
It was as though I wasn’t trusted, a fraud.
“Oy, newbie. What the fuck are you doing standing around, staring? Get to it.”
To what? They’d ne
ver told me what they even wanted me to be doing.
“Where do you want me?” I asked, trying to shrug it off as hazing.
“Where I fucking told you.” The team leader snarled, “I fucking told Maddox I didn’t want another bloody girl on this team.”
“Hey. Shut your damn mouth, Shaun,” shouted one of the other females, “If we hadn’t damn well been here last time there was a decent fight, you’d have died.”
“Insolence, Willis.”
“What's the problem, Shaun? It’s not like we’re at war at the minute, give me a sec,.” I muttered, walking to where I thought he wanted me as he called.
“Yeah, Willis might have helped us win last time, but at least she listens. How the hell we got stuck with the one that doesn’t.”
I shrugged, I guess they hadn’t heard I had stopped the chaos of that night. Only that I had been punished for not following orders.
The interaction with Shaun, and Willis repeated often with others. Maddox’s choice to punish us publicly was punishing us daily, or at least punishing me. I had no idea what they were doing to Paige. She was a Team Leader, she held more power than most. She seemed happy enough, often laughing and joking with the others, as though she hadn’t a care in the world. Her eyes held a different story, at least they did when I caught them. Darkness hid behind them, a darkness not directed only at me, but there all the time, simmering below the surface. The bubbling laughter, a sweet sound no longer reserved for me, trickled over from her cubicle, as I sat thinking one evening, followed by laughter from the others. As long as she seemed happy, it would be cruel to begrudge her the fun she was having. It wasn’t her job to keep me happy. That was mine, and I wasn’t any good at it.
Alone in my cubicle, the quiet breathing and muted snuffles from those around me, the only noise permeating the darkness. Eyes burning, lying down, thoughts running through my head would not allow me sleep, repeating themselves. An all too familiar sensation, one I’d had since childhood, one I couldn’t escape yet again. My hands trembling as they opened the knife I kept in my drawer, a knife I had carried with me for years, yet had found no reason to use it for quite some time. How had I let it get to this again? I shrugged, as I pulled up my night shirt, revealing the scars I already carried on my stomach by the soft light of my bedside lamp. I knew better than to use my arms for this. Arms were too visible, too easily confused for something else, something that had nothing to do with what was going on for me. Drawing the knife across my stomach, the skin parting with a sharp comforting sting, red blood beading on the surface. I drew the knife across again, lower this time, pressing a little harder, a little deeper. Pain made me suck a breath through my teeth, I bit back a smile, pressing harder. I needed it to hurt, I needed the pain on the outside because keeping it inside would drive me insane. I grunted as I finished, wiping the knife on the dark trousers I had worn that day, ready for washing, and sat back to admire my handiwork. Warm blood spilled over the edge of the second cut, the first itching with drying blood, not deep enough to spill over. I watched a moment, tracing the trail of blood with my eyes, not ready to wipe it away, pressing the wound to make it more painful. Several edges seeped over at once, a warm cascade of blood down my stomach. My vision swam, my body reacting to the familiar sensation in a way I hadn't expected. Pulling my shirt down, I scrambled back on the bed, no longer able to see my cubicle, my mind trapped back in the shed.
There were no words. Just familiar sounds, familiar sensations. My knees buckled underneath me as he struck me again, a grunt with each stroke. He chuckled as I dropped to my knees, his boots thudding behind me as he walked over to stand me upright again. My hair, pulled taut as he hauled me to my feet, slamming my body into the wall.
“We can always do something else.” He sneered into my ear, licking the side of my face as I shuddered, shaking my head. He laughed again, a sound like fingernails on a blackboard. Running his hand over my back, smearing the blood.
“Reed!”
My eyes shot open, as I tried to scramble further back on my bed, pulling on my shirt, unable to see the person in front of me.
“Reed. It’s me, Ti.”
I nodded. “Sorry, did I …” I couldn’t figure out what I’d done that only called Tiarni over.
“You kicked over your table, woke me up. Came to tell you to sort your shit and realised you weren't able to right then. You all right? You weren’t there for a minute?” I nodded. “Flashback?” Nodding again, “Damn. Can I do anything?”
“No, I… I know what happened with that one. I’ll be okay. Thanks though, and sorry I woke you.”
“Not a problem, dude. I might not get it, but you aren’t alone here.” She paused, remembering something, “Hey, I think you’re with us tomorrow. You’ll need sleep!’
I bid her good night and lay down, my body still tingling with adrenaline, but being taken over by fatigue. My stomach burned as I lay down, a reminder I wasn’t coping as well as I made out. My burning eyes unable to resist the pull of sleep, at least that evening.
The following day presented me with a different outlook on the future of my continued existence in Ferox. Tiarni’s group were a rag-tag bunch of misfits, an unusual group when you looked in from the outside. So many personalities, that wouldn’t mix, that looked like complete chaos from where I initially stood. Infighting, shoving and general rough-housing distracting from what I was trying to learn, until I realised that this was exactly what I needed to learn - to fit where I was, regardless.
“Force, you’re a moron,” Tiarni muttered, shoving him into one of the others, “What makes you think that? Who the hell taught you that shit?”
The Ferox known as Force shrugged.
“You saying my father told me lies about what happens?” Tiarni laughed, falling about the place, holding her knees to stay upright. Whatever they were talking about, Force’s take on things had struck her as funny.
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”
She smirked, as she caught her breath. Force’s face clouded over at the mention of his father in such a negative light.
“Yeah, well, what the fuck would you know?” he muttered, kicking at stones.
Tiarni giggled again, shaking her head, unable to respond.
“Ti, what is he wrong about?” I muttered, leaning in, so she was able to tell me as she regained her composure.
“Periods,” she blurted in my ear, starting herself off again.
“Oh…” I smirked at Force, as he scowled at me, “Oh, Force…”
“Don’t you fucking start, newbie. What would you know?”
“Dude… as women, both Tiarni and I would know a lot more than you. And apparently, your dad.”
A slow realisation crossed his face, his cheeks reddening when he realised his mistake.
“Fuck…you would, too.” He glanced up, cheeks reddening again, as he chewed his lip before continuing, “So…” Eventually, he was comfortable enough to ask the question on the tip of his tongue when I'd convinced him I wouldn’t laugh at him. Someday, he’d pass on the correct information to his son, or daughter, rather than the rubbish he had been told by his father, who knew no better. Somehow, my day was brightened by educating a young man on the ways of the female reproductive system. I chuckled to myself at the absurdity that men just made things up to make sense of something that made little sense at all to them.
Conversations like this one continued throughout the day, each member bringing something different to the table. That rag-tag bunch of young people made, in their own way, a more cohesive group than any other I had been involved in until that point. It didn’t matter who you were, where you were from, what your background was, as long as you accepted the others for who they were, they accepted you. I had never felt closer to fitting in. Unfortunately, it was only a trial, and Maddox cut short my continued presence in the group, changing his mind about what group I should follow.
The loneliness and darkness of that fateful night where I r
eturned to old habits to cope, presented itself more often than it should have over the following weeks. I pushed myself to the edge of exhaustion, working my fingers to the bone trying to make an impression on whatever leader I was assigned to that day, trying to find one that would keep me, a group where I would fit in. Only to find it would not be that easy. Loneliness ate at me daily, whilst working, but in particular when I lay awake unable to sleep despite trembling with fatigue, slurring my words if I stood still too long. My stomach was looking worse by the day. I kept it hidden, even whilst getting changed. I’d had years of practice hiding what I knew wasn’t normal. But I knew it was only a matter of time. I needed to get myself back under control, get out of my own company and make friends. However, with Paige and I still not talking or able to look each other in the eye it wasn’t easy.
Maddox had been suspiciously attentive to both myself and Paige since the punishment, never quite stepping into help with anything, or even speaking to us, just seeming to be there whenever I turned around. A prickling sensation, like needles running down my back, often signalled he was there. I couldn’t place the nausea-inducing sensation it gave me, just enough to not be creepy, but enough I couldn’t quite put my finger on what weirded me out. The slight smirk that curled his lip every time I caught him watching didn’t help. I no longer trusted him as I once had and I couldn’t put my finger on why. I tried to focus my attentions on having discussions with others, trying to make my way back into the groups, after coming to my senses and realising that distancing myself from everyone would not help anyone, least of all me, as all I had ended up with was a lonely, angry Reed, and I was pretty shitty company, and soon could ignore him,
One night, I was lying awake after reading more of the prophecies, the one about the leader in particular. Maria’s words came to mind, the ones that had reminded me of the book. She believed in me, she believed I would achieve great things. It seemed arrogant to think the prophecy had anything to do with me, but her belief in the fact I could actually do something like that was just what I needed to push me out of my rut. I was growing increasingly angry with how GreyBrook’s laws were set up, and how Ferox tried to pretend it didn’t follow them, I might as well use my anger for good.