I didn’t dare look when he pushed up from the bed to take off the rest of his clothes. When his briefs dropped to the carpet, he slid next to me. Immediately, his body gave me its warmth.
The feeling of his big frame—his naked male body—brought a new awareness of how it carried his magnificent strength, and the barely contained desire he kept inside.
Being touched and seduced by Ryan helped me realize, that the same desire beat within my body—it was screaming to be released.
“Turn over and face me.” He pulled the covers on top of us.
I turned, unashamed, ready for him to lift me into a dream.
He pulled our hips closer.
“Are you glad we’re here together?” Ryan caressed my head.
“Yes.”
“Are you relaxed?” He ran a hand through my hair and kissed me on the forehead.
“Yes, in one way I'm like mush." I giggled weakly. "In another, you’ve made me question everything when it comes to sex and this woman having it."
"I'm glad I've risen those questions in you." He kissed me with soft lips.
"Yeah," I giggled softly. "I know you are. So am I. What about you? I was supposed to help you relax, not the other way around.”
“Whenever you’re with me, I relax.” His foot rubbed mine.
“Thank you for being so tender." My toes stroked his calf from his knee to his ankle. "In one way or another, you’ve been in my dreams since I was a little girl.” I put my hand on his face and my fingers brushed his cheek. When I spoke, I felt as if a wave had rolled through the murky intoxication of our darkness. “In many ways, I already trust you.” I outlined the tattoo that ran under his collarbone. “What you’ve shared about your family, you wouldn't have told me those things if you didn't care for me. And the way you’ve already made calls for my dad, sister, and Jerry . . . Someday I hope I can do for you what you just did for me.”
“I’ll be waiting.” He kissed me and drew all of my body to his.
Our chests, stomachs, and thighs touched throughout the night.
My cheek rested against his beautiful chest. His hands caressed the curve of my head and his embrace held me, preparing us to fly away in our dreams.
Our very souls seemed to relax after we’d shared some of the pain from our childhood. For the first time since becoming close to my sister again, I'd felt a deep and intimate connection with another person.
It was glorious.
Ryan fell asleep before I did. His muscles relaxed, and his arms went limp around my body. His chest rose and fell in a regular rhythm. His breathing went from shallow to long and deep.
My body sang him a silent lullaby.
Together, our spinning minds slowed, finally stopping to say good night. After the rush and sleepless nights of the past week, I closed my eyes and joined him not too much later.
My body was secure, loved, and content.
I knew we were heading into the unknown.
Chapter 25
The Morning After
When I opened my eyes the sun shone through the windows. Rays of filtered light sprayed on our bodies.
I felt the breezes stirring through the screen door.
I imagined the pine trees were bending on the hills.
The gulls and sea lions had begun their songs of life and the stars of night had fallen away.
The beautiful man with whom I’d lain during the night moved on top of my body. He was erect. When he kissed my lips, the soft notes of his love began to play like a melody.
“Morning, sweet Nicky.”
“Morning.” I stretched toward him.
“God, you feel good.” He opened my legs and put them around his hips. “I love the feel of your body surrounding me."
His hard penis lay between my legs, barely touching the warmth of my soft inner core. I didn’t ask him to reassure me that he wouldn’t push further. I didn’t hesitate or resist—I opened to him. My heels rested on his back and my legs hugged his sides. With one movement, he could’ve gotten pleasure inside me.
His hands ran up and down my sides, outlining my hips and the curve of my breasts. Long, slow kisses from his lips were delicious treats. I'd never been brought into a new day so beautifully. Even in my vulnerable position, I felt comfortable and safe.
I kissed and wiggled underneath him, trying to feel his beautiful, hard chest and his loins against my belly. I didn’t understand what I was doing to him.
“Don’t.” His tone was firm.
“What?”
“The way you're moving, you're . . . inviting me to . . . we both agreed I wouldn’t push you. Don't you feel me? I could . . . it would be so easy to . . .”
“I feel you.”
“The way your sweetness covers my entire world—I’ve never experienced anything like it. When you squirm under me all I can think about is the tender depths of your vagina. The thought of your feminine softness around me is almost unbearable.”
“Sorry, I don't mean to tease you, it's just that I want to feel you like this. You’re everything I knew you’d be.” I shared my joy more boldly than ever before. "I want to get closer."
He lifted his head and looked at me in surprise, but another look quickly replaced it—a look I was coming to know well. I saw his body unravel its layers of protection. He’d very slowly sliced them away each time we were together, showing me that he was ready for me in every way.
"There's a way we can do that."
"I know." I ran my hands up and down his back and then placed them on the curve of his head as he kissed me.
We were in and out of sleep and desire the rest of the morning. When only a few precious minutes remained before we had to leave our little nest, Ryan rolled off of me with a sigh and got up.
I enjoyed the view of his strong back, his defined and round behind, and his muscular thighs. He seemed to shine with the colors of wheat and honey, blessed by the late-morning sun. His body was beautiful and I looked forward to enjoying more.
“You better not sneak a peek.” He turned to see if I was looking.
“I’m sorry, I already did.” I covered my eyes.
“Nasty, Nicky,” he chuckled. He made some coffee, brought me a cup, and sat down on the side of the bed.
Wouldn’t this be lovely if it were a regular routine in my life, this wonderful man loving me, bringing me coffee, and whatever came next . . . what a nice daydream.
“Then you owe me a peek.” He set the cups down on the nightstand and reached to pull the sheet away from my chin.
“Nope.” I gripped it tightly, holding on with both hands, giving myself a fragile sense of security. “You’ll have to take a rain check on that one.”
“Uh-huh. I’ll take that rain check—and soon.”
Oh, I'm a liquid mess under this sheet.
When he got up and went into the bathroom, I threw off the covers and grabbed for my clothes. I tried to dress before he came out, but I couldn’t find my underwear.
Where are they? Where did he throw them? Tear the covers apart! Strip the sheets off the bed! I’ll never get that bra on so it fits right before he comes out of the bathroom.
I finally saw my pants. I remembered he’d tossed my panties in the same area. I started to look by the sofa and then heard that low, masculine laugh.
“God, Ryan, turn around!” I pulled one of the creamy white throw blankets around me.
Of course, he ignored my request and instead came close wearing his naughty smile. When he put his arms around me, my heart began its serenade, speeding up, calling him closer.
“I promised I’d be a good boy and I’m true to my word. But the thought of you under there . . . damn, woman. You know you're hard to resist.”
He took a few steps back and retrieved my clothes from across the room. The smile on his face grew as he held up my big-girl panties.
“I know what you're thinking. I don’t like the skimpy stuff. So if you're expecting me to wear little panties, thongs, and lacy b
ras, you won’t see those. That's not me.”
He stepped so close to me I was certain the air between us had been displaced. It was as if he moved in slow motion when his big hands reached for my hips. When they held me and flexed on them it was all I could do to keep from falling to the floor.
Oh, damn!
“I love that about you.” His fingertips squeezed my skin again. “You don’t need to explain what you like. I accept everything about you. I’ll wait outside. Let me know when you’re ready.” Ryan opened the sliding door and walked onto the deck.
I headed into the bathroom. My head pounded and my throat was tight. I was so tense that it took several deep breaths to relax and stop the pulsing in my face. Just as I feared, I couldn't get the bra to fit right. I tucked it into my pocket and fixed the scarf so it covered my chest. After using the little bottle of mouthwash the Inn provided to freshen my breath, I turned out the light. I'd barely finished with my scarf when Ryan stepped back into the room.
“That was quick.” His gaze was hot on my face.
That look—the sound of his voice—he’s going to give me heart failure. I’m here with a man—and he's so juicy!
“Quickest I’ve ever dressed.” I fastened my earrings.
He sat down on the love seat that faced the large picture window and brought his coffee with him. I eagerly followed.
“I guess I should have showered.” I scooted closer.
“Did you think I might follow you in?”
“Think? Knew is the operative word.” I didn't hide what I was certain he had boldly considered.
His seductive laugh seemed to vibrate through my body, the sofa, and the entire room. I wondered if it was the reason a big wave suddenly rose up and crashed on shore. Even the sea lions rushed away from it, their belly muscles working to move them higher on the rocks to avoid being pulled into the ocean’s fury.
It’s too late for me to move on the rocks. I’ve already been pulled in.
He put his arm around me and let out a long sigh. His fingers moved down my back.
"Couldn't get that bra on, huh?" he teased. "Need some help?"
"Nope."
We sat together until the housekeeper knocked on the door.
“Hard to let go of this.” His arm tightened around me.
“Yesterday, I was so sure you were telling me good-bye, and now? I’m in a place I never thought possible. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back, Ryan.”
“Thank you.” He kissed the side of my head. “For everything.”
It made me feel good that I had been able to comfort him.
I knew how hard it was to calm childhood fears.
I had plenty of them.
“Let’s go.” He stood up and I took his hand.
I felt renewed, strong, and excited that our relationship had just jumped far above any level I’d ever envisioned with any boy— or any friend.
“Tomorrow I’ll take you out for dinner, I promise.” He kissed the back of my hand. "We'll dress up and wine and dine ourselves."
“It doesn’t matter where we go, except . . .”
"Skiing?"
“Right. No skiing.”
We both laughed and it made me feel good that he’d repeated my little joke from when we were on the beach. It was endearing and told me he was paying attention.
We said goodbye to Paula, the owner of the B & B, and walked down the little pathway from the entrance, back to our worlds of question, excitement, and the possibility of being together.
When we pulled up to my house, I didn’t move. I didn’t want to speak and break the bubble of our sweetness. As the silence lay between us, it was clear he waited for me to say something.
Perhaps he was in the same dreamlike state that had covered me.
“I can hardly say good-bye to you. Did you know, even when you dropped me off from our visits to Yountville last year, I didn’t want you to go? Could you feel me, Ryan?”
“God, you’re a sweet woman.” He kissed each of my cheeks. “When you're baring your soul, there's an honest beauty that reveals itself in your eyes . . . it's like an aura around your body. Even when you’re afraid, you speak to me. I didn’t expect you to be this way so soon.”
“You kind of bring it out of me. I feel like I can spill anything on you. I hope you feel the same way." I patted his hand. "Of course, the same applies to your kisses. I’m addicted to them!”
His big arm went around my head, bringing me to his lips once more, pressing me close, then almost ending our embrace and pulling me back for another. His unrelenting smile appeared and we'd come together, starting all over again.
“I’ll call you later." His face beamed. "Did you get your fill, or do I need to kiss you again?”
“I could stay here all day if you’re going to kiss me. I'd never let you pull away and you'd run out of gas as your car idled for hours.”
“Can you move?” he taunted.
“Barely.” My smile went from cheek to cheek. "But I'll struggle to make it." I got out of the car.
“Nicky!” I turned and walked to the driver’s side. He rolled down the window. “You can call me whenever you want. It doesn’t matter how late. Don’t worry about excuses. If I’m on the road, or it’s two in the morning and you’re coming back from an evening with friends, just call me. If I can take your call, I will. If I can't, I'll call you back ASAP. Do you believe me?”
“Yes, I do. See you tomorrow.” I gently kissed his cheek. “I’m not going to watch you leave, so go ahead and take off.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t like goodbyes.” I looked at the sky until he spoke.
“All right, sweetheart." His face softened. "I’ll call you later."
“Bye, Ryan.” I patted his hands and then ran up the walkway.
When I went into my house, I leapt up the stairs to my bedroom. Immediately, I opened my journal to capture everything about my time with Ryan as accurately as I could.
Then I changed my mind and decided to take a bath. I wanted to soak in the water, keeping the memories from Half Moon Bay circling around me, the same way I felt Ryan circling into my life.
Chapter 26
Checking In
When my cell phone rang, I was deep into my daydreams of the golden vision of Ryan standing on the deck outside of our room at the Inn. Seeing his picture on my phone brought the joy from my heart into my voice.
“Hi, Ryan!”
“You sound like you’re a happy girl.”
“I’m a very happy girl, taking a bath and imagining you’re the water circling around my body.”
“Oh, baby . . . I’ve just . . .” He took a deep breath and remained silent for so long I thought we’d been disconnected.
“Are you still there?”
“I can’t get the image out of my head.”
“Image?” I grabbed the side of the tub. His words made me squirm. I wished he were there with me in the wet liquid.
“The one I have of you right now; naked, wet, and ready to be rubbed gently. I wish I was there to wash you . . .” The sound of his voice dipping and fluctuating made my breasts tender. “I called to hear your voice again, but also, I hadn't explained why I didn’t invite you to be with me today."
"I don't expect you to feel obligated to be with me every free second you have." Yes please, keep doing it.
"No, I know you don't," he reassured. "Still, I want to make sure I don't elevate any fears you have about me."
"That's thoughtful. Thanks for being sensitive."
"I promised to spend the day with my brother."
"Aw, Ryan," I wanted to kiss his check. He was still reaching for the love of his older brother. I wondered if he even knew it. "That's very tender of you."
"Well, family is important regardless of our arguments," he paused. "I’d rather be with you, of course.”
“I believe you.” I held one of my breasts, gently squeezing and enjoying its softness. Please keep reassuring me.
> “Believe me enough to commit to me?”
“I’m getting there." I admitted as much as I dared.
“You feel the pull, don't you?" He made me shiver in the memory of our pleasure. "The fears you have about me? I think that soon they'll dissolve and wash away just like the bathwater around your beautiful body.”
“How is it you always know the right thing to say?" I filled a sponge with water and squeezed it over my belly. "Do you have some book of responses you’ve memorized? If you do, can I borrow it?”
“I don’t need a book, sweetness. I'm in love with you. Everything I say comes from my heart.”
I'm a goner.
“Yeah, well, from your heart or not, I’ve never heard anyone talk like you do,” I cautiously admitted.
“Except for you,” he countered.
“Oh, you just . . . do you know you constantly chip away at me? You'd better be careful or pretty soon there won’t be anything left of my body except a beating heart lying somewhere on the floor,” I joked, trying to stop spinning from the things he said.
All the layers and walls I’d built up since I was a little girl were cracking and crumbling; they still hadn't thinned enough for me to say aloud and without fear, “I love you.”
“I’ve already seen your heart.” The sound of his voice slid through the water like a snake, circling and waiting for the right moment to bite me. “I don’t know how I’ll go a whole day without you. In fact, maybe I’ll throw a pebble at your window tonight. If you hear tapping, it’s me, so let me in. See you tomorrow."
I’ll be listening!
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
"I heard um . . . you know. I heard the words. I understand I’m not a joke to you and I don’t take what you said lightly. I have strong feelings for you. Well, more than that, I just need some time to sort through everything.”
“I understand and I respect that. But sometimes . . .” He hesitated. I could hear him breathing. "Time isn’t all that helpful.”
“Ryan?”
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