“That sounds good. I’ll have chocolate.” Jake said.
“Me, too.”
When the waiter left, she fiddled with her knife. Jake reached across the table and covered her hand with his. She stilled.
“Thanks for listening. Please. Try and forgive me.”
He must have read her mind. She could tell that his asking for forgiveness was difficult. He was such a masculine guy, and he’d pretty much bared his soul. His feelings. He loved her. She looked into his tender gaze and wanted to swim there forever, but how could she settle for less than perfect? Finally, she repeated what she’d earlier told him. “I don’t know if I can.”
At his crestfallen expression, she quickly added, “I’m sorry. I forgive you as a sister in the church, but as a girlfriend, I don’t know if I can. I still resent Jessie. I’m angry you chose her over me. I don’t know if I can forgive you for those months of…being with someone else.” Her lips trembled, and she said, “I’m even angry over the way you and Lil manipulated me.”
“You haven’t forgiven her?”
“Actually, I did. We’re closer now than ever.”
He licked his lips and frowned. “I understand your frustration, because I’m just as jealous over your dates with David.”
The ice cream arrived, and he released her hand. When the waiter
left, he said, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ll never hurt you again. Just think about it.”
How could he promise such a thing? She nodded, unable to speak. “It isn’t midnight yet, and I don’t want to spoil our dessert. Let’s talk about something else. Addison sure is a cute little thing.”
“Much sweeter than her brother, Tyler.”
“Girls always are sweeter,” he teased, and soon he had her feeling at ease again. When she relaxed, she could almost imagine she was sixteen and nothing had ever changed between them.
When he dropped her off at the doddy house, he walked her to the porch. “Thanks for a wonderful evening, Cinderella.” His finger grazed her chin, and drawn like a moth to light, she turned her face upward. He lingered. “See you at the next builders’ meeting.”
She replied softly, “That’s one way to bring a girl back down to earth. Look, don’t expect much from me. But I’m thankful for tonight, for a good memory.” One that would go far in erasing the uglier, more painful ones.
She thought he might try to kiss her, but then his hand fell away, and he left her alone to the sound of his truck rumbling down the country road and to the blackness that could only be midnight.
Jake shifted gears. Although he’d grown up on a farm, the country road stretched out dark and lonely as his heart. He ached inside for his mistakes, for the beautiful, dark-eyed beauty he’d just taken to dinner. He ached because he was afraid to hope that she might give him a second chance.
Over dinner he’d watched her expressive eyes. He’d seen the desire in them when he admitted he still wanted her. But when she spoke, her eyes had glittered with anger, and when he’d asked her to forgive him, they had saddened with regret. Her lips also held clues. When he spoke about Jessie, they quivered. When he talked about the changes he had made, coming back to the church, she had tucked them between her teeth, showing her suspicions. And when he had wanted to kiss her on the porch, they had seemed willing. But he had made that mistake before. So he left, almost abruptly, to keep from giving in and pulling her into his arms. He knew she was not ready. With a sigh, he turned on the radio.
CHAPTER 20
Katy spent Sunday with her family. They enjoyed a meal of ham and coleslaw, and her married brothers and their wives all played the card game Rook, while Katy’s oldest niece entertained the toddlers. The fireplace crackled, and Katy’s heart swelled with love for her family that only weeks earlier she’d taken for granted. She considered the new confidence in Karen’s behavior.
“Can I bring anyone anything?” Karen had asked between rounds.
Katy realized that Karen had become her mom’s new chief helper. It sent a twinge of regret through her to be replaced, yet she knew that just like her married siblings, she would always remain a vital member of the family.
But later that evening it was good to get back to her cozy little doddy house, where Lil fed her popcorn and asked her about the ballet, assuring her that this time, whatever she said would remain confidential. Lil deserved details since she’d donated her beautiful dress to the cause.
Both girls relaxing on the couch, Katy re-spun the spell.
Lil purred, “What a fairy-tale evening.”
“Probably my one and only. The church forbids dancing. Do you think the ballet is sinful? That it’s wicked to watch men dance in their tight costumes? Now I know why they are called tights, too.”
Lil giggled. “I have no idea. Did Jake seem embarrassed by it?”
Katy considered the question. “No. But he never gets embarrassed. I used to think any form of dancing was wrong, but it was so beautiful. Then again, at Addison’s dance studio some of the girls were taught seductive moves.” She sighed. “It’s confusing.”
“The outsiders call it art. I suppose it depends on disciplining your thoughts.”
“I was captivated by the entire spectacle. The theater, not the guys.” Katy reiterated, nestling comfortably against the leather armrest. “But maybe that was wrong, too. Just basking in such wealth and splendor. Nothing humble about the Ohio Theatre.” She shrugged. “I’m struggling with the whole evening.”
Lil gazed at her with understanding.
Katy bit her lip then went on, “Especially since I let my guard down with Jake. I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. What if I turn him away, and he marries someone else? I’ll be miserable. After he shared his story with me, I feel partly to blame because when he was restless, I wasn’t able to help him. He didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about it. He told me that he didn’t even think he was a Christian at the time.”
“You can’t change the past. And if he wants to be with you now, then that’s more important. Present definitely trumps past.” Katy figured Lil must have played Rook with her family, too. But this was no game. This was her future.
On Monday, Katy couldn’t help but try out the broom for a dance partner, humming off-key to the songs she’d heard at the ballet. Feeling a stab of conscience, she changed the song to a hymn. But hadn’t David danced with joy after one of his war victories? And he was a man of God’s heart.
Although dancing was forbidden in her religion, nobody but Lil had ever talked to her about it. She’d never been tempted until she’d stepped into Addison’s dance studio. Was it wrong to dance from joy or to express graceful movement of the body that God had created? It was hard to contain joy, and she was joyful over the news that Jake still loved her. But was love enough? That question was more troubling than the first.
Jake’s testimony hung in her mind until she picked up Tammy’s children from school. Tammy’s note reminded her that Sean Brooks was still out of town. That was the reason Katy had taken Addison to the ballet. Now she would have to babysit late. In the note, Tammy asked her to help Tyler with his homework, especially assisting him on a school project.
“So tell me about your school project, Tyler.”
“It’s kinda dumb. We’re supposed to watch certain TV shows and observe people’s mannerisms. We have to write down what they say and what they do. Describe how they act. What their faces look like. What gestures they make. Stuff like that.”
Her spirit sank to hear that television was involved in the school assignment. “Can I see your notes?”
“Sure.” Tyler brought her a thin, bound notebook. Katy flipped through and saw dates on several page and the titles of television shows.
“Did you choose the shows?”
“Nope. I copied them from the blackboard. We have to write a whole page each night.”
“Wow.”
“But I’m not very good at it, and Mom’s been helping me. I can’t watch people’s face
s and write at the same time. That’s what you need to do. Write down their lines.”
Katy sat on the edge of the couch and rubbed her brow. This was going to be worse than she’d imagined if it included viewing television shows. She eyed Tyler. “You sure you can’t do this alone?”
“Nope. And I’ll get a bad grade if I skip a night.”
“When does the show come on?”
“Seven o’clock.”
It was already six forty-five. Reluctantly, Katy rose. “I’ll go check on Addison. You get everything ready.”
Tyler grabbed the remote and flicked on the television while Katy ran upstairs. She found Addison playing with her Barbie dolls. After explaining she was going to help Tyler with his homework project, Katy started back down, pausing on the stairway at the television’s blare.
Once again duty collided with conscience. The way her babysitting responsibilities were pulling her into the life of her charges, she might as well move in and become a part of this outsider’s family.
She’d only watched television in the stores a few times as she’d passed through their electronics sections and had caught glimpses of it at various times when she’d been working for her employers. Tyler often had it on in his room, and Addison sometimes watched princess DVDs. In fact, after the ballet it was all Katy could do to refuse Addison when she’d begged her to watch the Cinderella movie with her. But somehow, she had prevailed against that temptation.
Katy had never sat down and watched an entire television show. But this wasn’t about pleasure; this was a school assignment. And she’d gotten involved in plenty of those lately. Now she considered this one. Surely Tyler’s teacher would not have assigned something inappropriate, given his impressionable age?
She’d heard television debated in her congregation, and some claimed all television shows weren’t bad, but that it was playing with fire to have a set in your home because it invited temptation by desensitizing you to sex, violence, and greed for beauty and material wealth. In short, it brought the outsiders’ world into your own home where you could sit and dream that you were living their life.
She watched Tyler settling in on the sofa and breathed a prayer, “Lord, if this goes sour, then I’m quitting this nanny job, even if I lose my cleaning job with the Brooks. I’ll take it as Your will.” Then she steeled herself.
She sat next to Tyler, and he handed her his notebook. “You write down something they say, then I’ll hit PAUSE. Then we’ll play it back, and I’ll tell you what to write down about their mannerisms.”
“Okay, I’m ready.” She thought, I don’t have to watch the show. But I do have to listen to the lines.
“We have to wait until the commercial’s over.”
“Commercial?”
Tyler stared at her. “Are you for real?”
Katy started scribbling.
“Not yet!” he cried. “It’s a commercial.” He shook his head as if she was from the dinosaur era. “Just wait, and I’ll tell you when the show comes on.” Then he displayed an uncharacteristic gentleness. “You’ll get the hang of it. I’m gonna get a soda. Be right back.”
She started to protest, that he should turn off the television while he left, but her gaze went to the screen as if magnetized. She watched a seductive woman caress a car, and felt the heat rise up her neck. Then some men climbed through a refrigerator and stepped into a bar, and Katy instantly regretted the glimpse into such a dark sinful place. However, she couldn’t look away. Next two guys in a truck cracked jokes about fast food, and she laughed at their silly conversation. Just when her interest was growing, Tyler interrupted, “Okay, now. It’s starting.”
She gripped her pencil. The show was about an Indiana family with three kids. The teenage boy sauntered into the living room in his underwear, and Katy gasped.
Tyler laughed at the actor. “He’s hilarious. Did you get that?”
She shook her head, still embarrassed over the teen’s bare chest and legs and low-slung boxers. “I don’t know. I missed it.”
Tyler sighed, then pressed the remote and to Katy’s amazement it all reversed back to the beginning of the episode. “Just write what he says, okay?”
“All right,” Katy stared at her pad, determined not to watch the screen again and to get it down and get this assignment over with as quickly as possible. After about three more tries, she had his line and Tyler’s mannerism description, but listening was almost as bad as watching. Katy was appalled that the teenage actor would talk to his mom with such disrespect. It was eye-opening, how Tyler’s behavior mimicked the teenage star’s attitude.
The process took forever, and Tyler fast-forwarded through a batch of commercials. The next round of note-taking included a scene with a scantily dressed neighbor. Her eyes had strayed to the screen again, because it made it so much easier to get the lines down. “Are you sure you should be watching this?” Katy asked with concern.
“Are you kidding? My mom loves this show. Remind me not to delete it. She’ll want to watch it later. She says it’s true to life.”
“Maybe your life,” Katy mumbled.
“Yeah, well, Miss Pilgrim, what do you do at night? Clean the toilets?” He snickered and flicked the show on PAUSE. “Huh, where do you live anyway? On the Mayflower?”
“I live in a doddy house with my friend Lil.”
Tyler laughed. “What’s that?”
“It’s like a guesthouse.”
“Whatcha do there?”
“We cook, read, play games.”
“What kind of games?”
“We play Rook.”
“A video game?”
“No.” At Tyler’s confused look, she explained, “It’s a card game.”
“But you don’t watch television and don’t know anything about it?”
“Nope.”
“That sounds boring to the max. I’ll bet you don’t even have a computer, do you?”
“No. But it’s not boring. I don’t like to watch things that aren’t God-honoring.”
“Whatever. You ready to go again?”
“Yes…wait a minute.” Suddenly things clicked for Katy. “You can stop and start the show?”
“Duh, that’s what we’ve been doing.”
“And you just said you’re going to save it for your mom. So why do I have to be doing this with you?”
“Because my mom told you to on the note.”
Katy felt her anger flare. “Tyler. We’re done now. Your mom can help you when she gets home, or you can finish this tomorrow.”
“But my teacher checks my notes every day. I lose points, and you’re gonna be in trouble. You may have to do something really crummy for your punishment like”—he looked about the house—“clean under my bed.”
She already had done that, many times, and he was right about it being a really crummy job. “Or maybe she’ll buy me a new iPod,” Katy argued.
He glared at her, not quite getting it, but realizing it was some kind of an insult.
Katy sighed. “We’ll wait until eight o’clock, and if she hasn’t come home yet, then we’ll finish it. Why don’t you go up to your room and play now.”
“Okay. It’s your head, lady pilgrim.” He got up and charged up the stairs.
His smart mouth didn’t irritate her as much as it had when she’d first started sitting for him, and although she shouldn’t have, she let his sarcastic remark pass without admonishing him. She tried to imagine him raised in her own home and thought of her brothers, how they played hard outside and enjoyed working with her dad. Tyler didn’t know the disadvantage life had given him.
Then her thoughts went to his mother. Tammy was deliberately asking her to do things that went against her beliefs for no good reason other than Tammy’s own inconvenience. Oh, she’d claimed she’d had a workshop to attend on the Saturday of the ballet. But she was just being lazy not to help Tyler with this assignment tonight, especially given her knowledge of Katy’s Mennonite beliefs. As she brooded,
she picked up the room, placing Tyler’s backpack on the stairway, a juice can in the recycle bin, and Addison’s princess boots in the hall closet.
“What a day. I’m beat.”
The unexpected comment floated within Katy’s hearing, and she flinched, thinking the television must have drowned out the sound of Tammy’s car. She turned and raised her chin, determining this was the night that she would be more assertive. “Yeah, me, too. Housecleaning’s no breeze.”
“Uh-oh. Somebody’s in a rare mood. The kids acting up or what?”
Once she’d made her mental stand, her frustrations poured out. “I feel manipulated, Tammy. You asked me to help Tyler with his school project when you know I don’t watch television. And you can even replay the show.”
Tammy’s mouth gaped; then she composed her features. “I didn’t know you don’t watch TV. Anyway, I thought I’d get home too late. I knew I’d be beat.”
It was as if Katy had stepped out of her body and the words came from some other source. “Well, I’m tired, too. I’ve cleaned this entire house. And I’m constantly picking up after the children.”
“But this is your job. I pay you. And a high wage.”
She saw that some of Tyler’s attitude came straight from his mother.
“I’ve made more at other places.” Katy shocked herself with that remark and worked quickly to remove the angry glint from Tammy’s eyes. Responding in anger wasn’t God-honoring, even if it felt right. “I’m sorry. That remark was inappropriate. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the work. But the nanny part is not working out. I told you from the start, it isn’t what I enjoy doing. You’ve got to find someone else. I won’t be picking the children up from school on Wednesday, either.” Katy crossed her arms and waited for Tammy’s explosion.
“Excuse me?” Tammy ground out with sarcasm. But Katy didn’t budge. Then Tammy softened her voice. “You can’t back out now. You agreed. I’m working long days so I can be home the other three afternoons.”
Dropping her arms, Katy reasoned, “You’ve always known that I’m a housekeeper, not a nanny. Your kids are great, but the job doesn’t suit me.” She took a step toward the coat closet. “I’m sorry. I quit.”
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