by Johnson, Liz
Mostly she wanted to say that she loved him.
Even though it just begged to be broken, her heart knew the truth. She’d fallen in love with him. She wasn’t what he needed, could never be what he wanted. But that didn’t stop her heart from crying out for him.
“Well, I’ll see you soon, I hope.”
She hung up the phone, shaking her head and staring at the ground. Could she be any more absurd? Suddenly it seemed as if all the night’s horrible events washed over her at once, sapping her energy and her courage. She wanted to be strong, to be brave…but she just couldn’t anymore.
Instead, she hung her head and let the tears roll down her cheeks.
*
“Shh, Staci, it’s okay.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Tristan drew Staci into his arms and whispered the words into her ear. She jerked at his touch, her eyes filled with alarm for just an instant. Then she turned into his embrace, and he held her close. He murmured soothing words over and over. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Calm down. I’m here.” He ran a hand over her curls and down the side of her face, stopping just before he reached the cut at the corner of her mouth.
Her hand fisted into the front of his T-shirt. Sobs burst out of her, followed quickly by a damp spot in the center of his chest.
He ran his hand in slow circles over her back as one of her arms snaked around his waist, her fingers twining into the belt loops of his khaki cargo shorts as if she wouldn’t ever let him go.
“I was so scared.”
“I know, sweetie.” He had no idea what had scared her—the list of possibilities was long enough to span the globe. But at least she was talking.
“He came after us. And I never should have taken Ash—Ashley—” Suddenly she was fighting his embrace and pointing toward the hospital entrance. “She’s in there. She was pushed down, and they won’t tell me what’s wrong.”
“Shh. Calm down. Ashley’s all right.”
She looked up with watery eyes, her bottom lip trembling. “How do you know?”
With a thumb on each cheek, he brushed away her tears. “I was just inside. I parked at a different entrance, so I didn’t see you until the desk nurse told me you had stepped outside. The training op was canceled, and when I got your voice mail, I came here right away. The nurse said Ashley was just coming out of surgery. She had a bit of bleeding, but they stopped it without trouble.”
“And the baby?”
“They delivered him and he’s perfect. They’re taking good care of him in the neonatal ICU until Ashley’s up to it.”
“They are?” Long lashes blinked over her big green eyes, as though she couldn’t believe him.
“Yes. They’re both fine. Right now, I’m more worried about you. What happened?”
She threw her arms around him again, burrowing into his embrace. The tears were gone, but the knot in his stomach grew.
“It was horrible. He was right there, and he grabbed my arm, and I told Ashley to stay away, but she came after him. And he hit my face and I dropped the whistle. I tried to use it. I promise. But he was so big, and I couldn’t see his face or his hair. And I kicked at him as hard as I could. I yelled for him to back off, but he didn’t.”
He held her just far enough away that he could look into her eyes, which were once again overflowing. His chest burned and his stomach rolled. “You did just what you were supposed to. I’m so proud of you.”
She’d done everything she could. But he’d failed again. He’d failed to keep her safe, just like he had with Phoebe. He’d come so close to losing Staci. She’d become a staple in his life, and he’d almost lost her, too.
He knew he should pull away, knew that he’d proven that he wasn’t good enough to keep her safe, but he couldn’t stop himself from tugging her closer. Cautious of the cut at the corner of her mouth, he pressed his lips gently to hers. She sighed and fell against him, draping her arms over his shoulders and plunging her fingers into his hair.
The scent of hospital hand soap clung to her skin—the sweetest smell he’d ever known. And as she deepened their connection, he held on to her. She wasn’t an illusion or a figment of his dreams.
His pulse skittered in relief and exhilaration. She was safe and whole. He’d come close, but he hadn’t lost her.
But could he hang on to her until the danger passed?
The lights of an approaching car blinded him, even through closed eyes, and he pulled back, leaving just one arm around her back. He couldn’t tear his gaze from her battered face, regret a heavy stone in his gut. How long would he have to live with that?
“Maybe we should go back inside and see if we can see Ashley.”
“I just want to try Matt one more time. I haven’t heard back from him. Wait here with me?”
She nodded like he’d been a fool for asking as she sidled into the protection of his side, leaning her head on his shoulder.
The call must have gone straight to voice mail because several seconds later, he said, “Where are you, Rock? Get here. You’re a dad, and you’re missing it!”
When he pocketed the cell and guided her toward the entrance, she stopped before they reached the doors. “Why’d you call him Rock?” Her eyes were uncertain, her frown filled with questions.
“His last name is Waterstone, and he’s built like a boulder. The rest of our class wasn’t very creative when it came to nicknames.” As they walked back inside and waited in the line to talk with the triage nurse again about Ashley’s condition, he continued talking. “Now some of the guys are talking like they’re going to call Ashley’s little guy L.R.”
“L.R.?”
“Little Rock. Like I’m Little—” He slammed on his mental brake. He’d never told her what L.T. stood for, and as her eyes grew wide, a half grin replacing the strain that had been etched into her features since he’d caught up to her, he knew he’d said too much.
She bit into her lip, her eyes all innocence and charm. “Like you’re what, Tristan?”
“Nothing.”
She wiggled against his side, one hand snaking around his waist, and he had to look away. “What exactly does L.T. stand for? You let me think it was short for lieutenant, but that’s not the real truth, is it?”
He let out a groan, part humor, part very real pain. “No need to rehash this.”
Her laughter, even at his expense, was better than the best orchestra playing “Ave Maria.” “Did they call you Little Tristan?”
“There were two of us named Tristan, and the other guy was the size of Mount Rushmore. Obviously I was the smaller one. The instructors decided they needed to keep us straight, so they called him Big Tristan and me Little Tristan. The names just kind of stuck.” He squeezed her until her giggle stopped. “I was the only Tristan in our class to make it through.”
“I’m proud of you.” She pressed onto her tiptoes and kissed his cheek.
Such a natural thing for a couple to do.
But they weren’t a couple.
“Can I help you?” The nurse must have gone on her break, and the man in her place was about the same size as Big Tristan. His voice rattled the pens lining his perfectly organized desk.
“We’d like to see Ashley Waterstone.”
“You related to her?”
“I’m her brother.”
The lines around the man’s mouth relaxed, as though they were about to have words if Tristan claimed any other relationship to the patient. He consulted his computer and nodded slowly. “She’s being transferred to recovery. You can head over in that direction.” He pointed around a bend in the hallway. “Check in at the nurse’s station. I don’t have a room number for her yet.”
“Thank you.” Staci smiled at the behemoth, who responded with a genuine grin and a wink before putting his business face back on for the next person in line.
“I think if I’d been in line alone, I’d be stuck in the waiting room. You’re some charmer, Hayes.”
“See, I’m not completely usel
ess.”
Her words stopped him in midstride, and in the middle of the deserted hallway, he tilted up her chin until she had to look into his eyes. “Listen to me, Staci Hayes. Listen carefully. You’re not useless. You’ve never been useless.”
Head still tipped all the way back, she looked out of the corner of her eyes, avoiding contact with his, insecurities winding through the lines of her face. She didn’t try to respond, so he grasped her shoulders in a solid yet gentle hold.
“You did everything that I trained you to do.”
“Everything but the one thing I should have done. I should have stayed at the house and kept Ashley safe.”
He stabbed a hand through his hair. “That’s more my fault than yours. I should have told Ashley why she couldn’t go anywhere. I could have saved all of us a lot of stress tonight.”
Her gaze swung back to his, her chin quivering. “None of this would be happening if I hadn’t found you and made you help me. This—what happened to Ashley is my fault.”
“Hear me when I say this. You did the right thing. Without you, we wouldn’t have known what was coming. We’d still be in the dark about what’s been planned for Wednesday.”
“But we don’t really know anything, do we?”
How had he forgotten to tell her about his call with Salano? Of course, the scene in the entryway had distracted him. And that kiss still took up too many of his thoughts. “I talked to my FBI friend. He confirmed just what you suspected. Thanks to the tip we gave them, they’ve been able to work with other agencies to intercept some communications that point to the Rockefeller as the target of a bombing. And as far as they can tell, it’s going to happen at the commissioning ceremony. Just like you figured.” Her cheek was like silk beneath his thumb, and he smoothed it until her frown disappeared. “Our would-haves and should-haves aren’t going to do a lot of good. We just have to be ready for Wednesday.”
“Will they try to find him before then?”
“Yes. They’re working every angle, but my team will be on the ground, and we’ll do everything we need to do to protect the people at the base.”
Her eyes lit up. “Can’t you just cancel the ceremony? Then no one will be there. If no one’s there, there won’t be any injuries.”
“I’m afraid it’s not that simple. There are always people on the base—navy and civilians who work there. And if we foil the plan now, then we don’t know when or where they’ll strike again. Putting off the bombing isn’t the goal here. Capturing the inside man and taking him out of the equation is.”
“L.T.!”
He turned at the sound of his name as his best friend barreled down the hall. “Matt.” He dropped his hands from Staci’s shoulders to hug the other man, clapping him hard on the back.
“Got here fast as I could.” His words came out on ragged breaths. “Ash? She okay?”
“We were just going to check on her and Little Rock.”
His swallow was followed by a quick gasp. “I’m a dad?”
FIFTEEN
Emotions still too close to the surface to be certain she could control them, Staci stood at the door of Ashley’s hospital room. Leaning against the frame, she offered a wavering smile when Ashley looked up from the bundle of joy in her arms. Matt stood beside her, his arm around his wife and a hand over his son’s little stocking cap.
Tristan stood just inside the door, his face nearly glowing.
“Come on, you two. Come look at him,” Ashley said. “He’s so handsome. Just like his daddy.”
Matt looked like he’d never smiled so hard in his life, and Staci fought the tears burning the backs of her eyes. How could the sight of such a perfect family make her so sad? She just wanted to be happy for them, but the longing for and certainty that she’d never have a family of her own clawed at her heart. Here she was, an outsider among family, but they were waving her in, inviting her close.
Tristan stayed a step back, his eyes wide with wonder. “You did good, kid.”
“She sure did.” Matt kissed the top of his wife’s head, and she closed her eyes, leaning into his embrace.
“I’m so tired,” she sighed. “Having a baby is hard work.”
“Well, you had a baby and emergency surgery at the same time. You get a double pass. Why don’t you close your eyes for a bit? We’ll hold the baby.”
After another loving look at her son, Ashley relinquished her hold on him, and the bundled baby disappeared into Matt’s gentle embrace, the baby no bigger than part of Matt’s arm.
“Come on, Staci. I bet if you ask nice, Matt will let you hold the little guy.”
Staci shook her head quickly. “No. That’s all right.”
Matt held out his arms. “That would be great. I need to call Ashley’s mom and let her know that little Jasper has arrived.”
“Jasper?”
Matt glanced up from staring into the tiny face, eyes pinched closed and pink lips pursed and moving. “It was my foster dad’s name. Thought he should carry it on.” He nodded to the rocking chair next to the bed where Ashley had already fallen into the even breathing of restful sleep. “Want to sit down? I’ll be gone just for a minute.”
Her stomach clenched, torn between the desire to cradle the precious life to her chest and knowing that it would just further break her heart.
Tristan gave her a little nudge, and she slid into the chair. Before she could think about it, Matt leaned over her, slipping the bundle into her embrace. His little head fit into the crook of her arm, and his face broke, as if he was going to let out an ear-splitting scream. But he didn’t. He just sighed and went back to making little sucking noises.
“You good?”
She nodded, never looking away from the precious child, even as Matt slipped from the room and Tristan pulled another chair up beside her. His big hand cupped Jasper’s swaddled feet.
“He’s so perfect.” Jasper’s feet kicked at the sound of Tristan’s voice.
“I’m so glad.” She sighed, letting herself at least enjoy the feeling of relief. “I was really worried. When we were there on the sidewalk, she said there was something wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. And then the surgery—” A terrible thought crossed her mind. What if something had been injured that kept her from having another child? Staci didn’t want company for her own misery.
She turned toward the sleeping woman, then back to Tristan, her voice low and scratchy. “Ashley wasn’t permanently injured, was she?”
“What do you mean?”
“Um.” She had to look away from the intensity of his gaze. “She’ll be able to have more kids, right?”
“Sure. Why wouldn’t she?” Confusion filled his eyes, but it was mixed with a tenderness that promised that he was trying to understand her question.
“Sometimes when things go wrong before a delivery and the mother has to go through surgery…” Despite the different situations, it was too close a reminder to her own situation. Heat rose up her cheeks, and she looked away. “Never mind.”
He opened his mouth, as though he wanted to say more, to dig deeper. When he didn’t, she sent him a smile filled with gratitude. She didn’t want to have this conversation with him now.
Or ever.
They sat in silence for what felt like an hour but was probably closer to ten minutes. With each breathy sigh and gurgled grunt, Jasper stole another piece of her heart.
If only she could be part of his life, watch him grow into a young man. But that wasn’t her role. She had no claim to this family.
She glanced at Tristan’s face, his eyes alight with love, his mouth opening and closing as he mimed Jasper’s movements. What wonders newborn babies wove on unsuspecting men.
If she had a right to Tristan’s heart, maybe she could convince him to let her be a part of this family. But she didn’t. Whatever was between them—a few kisses and an attraction that sent her blood pressure through the roof—had an expiration date. One way or another, their reason for being togeth
er would end in two days.
She’d be safe or—
Well, there was no need to think about the alternative.
No matter what, she’d be walking out of their lives on Wednesday.
Tristan’s arm wrapped around her shoulders and he huddled over them. “You’re a natural.” His voice was smooth and thick like honey. “You’re going to be a great mom some day.”
The dam burst, tears gushing down her cheeks. She had to get out of there. “Take him,” she cried, slipping Jasper into Tristan’s waiting—if surprised—arms and running from the room.
*
Tristan couldn’t sleep. He trudged through the kitchen, opening the fridge door, then closing it again. He filled up a glass with milk, downed half of it in one gulp and stared at the white liquid as though it could explain what was happening inside him.
But it didn’t have any answers or rationalizations.
He set it on the counter, careful not to make enough noise to wake up Staci where she slept upstairs.
Just hours before she’d held his nephew and leaned into his embrace. Is that what it felt like to be a family? Like they belonged together?
He’d thought she’d felt it, too. But then she’d run away. He’d stopped himself from running after, reminding himself of all the reasons why they couldn’t be together, couldn’t build the family he’d craved in that moment when he’d had both Staci and that beautiful baby safe in his arms.
He’d tried that before. He’d tried to keep Phoebe safe. And that hadn’t turned out well at all. Despite the promises he’d made to Staci that he’d keep her safe, he’d known they weren’t guarantees, either—not for anything long-term. His job kept him away, would often leave her alone. There was just no way around it.
A footstep at the doorway jerked his attention to the figure shuffling into the kitchen. “Can’t sleep, either?” Staci’s words were low as she pulled her robe tighter over her leggings.
He held up his glass. “Just thirsty.” Okay, that wasn’t the whole truth, and based on her wry grin, she knew it.