My own immediate relief was physical. Jeendan's departure came in the nick of time for me, for one more amorous joust with her would have doubled me up for-ever. I've seldom known the like: you'd have thought, after the wild passage I've just described, that she'd have rested content for a spell, but no such thing. A couple of hours' sleep, a pint of spirits, and drum up the town bull again, was her style, and I doubt if I saw daylight for three days, as near as I could judge, for you tend to lose count of time, you know. We may well have set a record, but I didn't keep tally (some Yankee would be sure to claim best, anyway). All I'm sure of is that my weight went down below twelve and a half stone, and that ain't healthy for a chap my size. I was the one who needed medical inspection, I can tell you, never mind Broadfoot.
And on the fourth morning, when I was a mere husk of a man, wondering if there was a monastery handy, what d'you think she did? Absolutely had a chap in to paint my portrait. At first, when he dragged his easel and colours into the boudoir, and started waving his brush, I thought it was another of her depraved fancies, and she was going to have him sketch us performing at the gallop; the devil with this, thinks I, if I'm to be hung at the next Punjab Royal Academy it'll be with my britches on and my hair brushed. But it proved to be a pukka sitting, Flashy fully clad in romatic native garb like Lord Byron, looking noble with a hookah to hand and a bowl of fruit in the fore-ground, while Jeendan lounged at the artist's elbow, prompting, and Mangla made helpful remarks. Between the two of them he was in a fine sweat, but did a capital likeness of me in no time—it's in a Calcutta gallery now, I believe, entitled Company Officer in Seekh Costume, or something of the sort. Ruined Stag at Bay, more like.
"So that I shall remember my English bahadur, says Jeendan, smiling slantendicular, when I asked her why she wanted it. I took it as a compliment—and wondered if it was a dismissal, too, for it was in the same breath that she announced she was taking little Dalip to Amritsar, which is the Sikhs' holy city, for the Dasahra, and wouldn't return for some weeks. I feigned dismay, concealing the fact that she'd reduced me to a state where I didn't care if I never saw a woman again.
My first act, when I'd staggered back to my quarters, was to scribble a report of her durbar and subsequent conversation with me, and commit it to Second Thessalonians. That report was what convinced Hardinge and Broadfoot that they had time in hand: no war before win-ter. I was right enough in that; fortunately I didn't give them my further opinion, which was that there probably wouldn't be a war even then.
You see, I was convinced that Jeendan didn't want one. If she had, and believed the Khalsa could beat us and make her Queen of all Hindoostan, she'd have turned 'em loose over the Sutlej by now. By hocussing them into delay she'd spoiled their best chance, which would have been to invade while the hot weather lasted, and our white troops were at their feeblest; by the cold months, our sick would be on their feet again, dry weather and low rivers would assist our transport and defensive movement, and the freezing nights, while unpleasant for us, would plague the Khalsa abominably. She was also double-dealing 'em by warning us to stay on guard, and promising ample notice if they did break loose in spite of her.
Now there, you'll say, is a clever lass who knows how to keep in with both sides—and will cross either of 'em if it suits her. But already she'd ensured that, if war did come, the odds were in our favour—and there was no profit to her in getting beat.
All that aside, I didn't believe war was in her nature. Oh, I knew she was a shrewd politician, when she roused herself, and no doubt as cruel and ruthless as any other Indian ruler—but I just had to think of that plump, pleasure-sodden face drowsing on the pillow, too languid for anything but drink and debauchery, and the notion of her scheming, let alone directing, a war was quite out of court. Lord love us, she was seldom sober enough to plot anything beyond the next erotic experiment. No, if you'd seen her as I did, slothful with booze and romping, you'd have allowed that Broadfoot was right, and that here was a born harlot killing herself with kindness, a fine spirit too far gone to undertake any great matter.
So I thought—well, I misjudged her, especially in her capacity for hatred. I misjudged the Khalsa, too. Mind you, I don't blame myself too much; there seems to have been a conspiracy to keep Flashy in the dark just then—Jeendan, Mangla, Gardner, Jassa, and even the Sikh generals had me in mind as they pursued their sinister ends, but I'd no way of knowing that.
Indeed, I was feeling pretty easy on the October morning when the court departed for Amritsar, and I turned out to doff my tile as the procession wound out of the Kashmir Gate. Little Dalip was to the fore on his state elephant, acknowledging the cheers of the mob as cool as you like, but twinkling and waving gaily at sight of me. Lal Singh, brave as a peacock and riding with a proprietary air beside Jeendan's palki, didn't twinkle exactly; when she nodded and smiled in response to my salute he gave me a stuffed smirk as much as to say, back to the pavilion, infidel, it's my innings now. You're welcome, thinks I; plenty of Chinese ginger and rhinoceros powder and you may survive. Mangla, in the litter following, was the only one who seemed to be sorry to be leaving me behind, waving and glancing back until the crowd swallowed her up.
The great train of beasts and servants and guards and musicians was still going by as Jassa and I turned away and rode round to the Rushnai Gate. Have a jolly Dasahra at Amritsar, all of you, thinks I, and by the time you get hack Gough will have the frontier reinforced, and Hardinge will be on hand to talk sense to you face to face; among you all you can keep the Khalsa in order, every-thing can be peacefully settled, and I can go home. I said its much to Jassa, and he gave one of his Yankee-Pathan grunts.
"You reckon? Well, if I was you, lieutenant, I'd not say that till I was riding the gridiron again."*(*"'Aboard an East Indiaman. The reference is to the Company's flag.)
"Why not—have you heard something?"
"Just the barra choop," says he, grinning all over his ugly mug.
"What the devil's that?"
"You don't know—an old Khyber hand like you? Barra (hoop—the silent time before the tempest." He cocked his head. "Yes, sir, I can hear it, all right."
"Oh, to blazes with your croaking! Heavens, man, the Khalsa's scattered all over the place, and by the time they're mustered again Gough will have fifty thousand bayonets at the river —"
"If he does, it'll be a red rag to a Punjabi bull," says this confounded pessimist. "Then they'll be sure he means to invade. Besides, your lady friend's promised the Khalsa a war come November—they're going to be mighty sore if they don't get it."
"They'll be a dam' sight sorer if they do!"
"You know that—but maybe they don't." He turned in the saddle to look back at the long procession filing along the dusty Amritsar road, shading his eyes, and when he spoke again it was in Pushtu. "See, husoor, we have in the Punjab the two great ingredients of mischief: an army loose about the land, and a woman's tongue unbridled in the house." He spat. "Together, who knows what they may do?"
I told him pretty sharp to keep his proverbs to himself; if there's one thing I bar it's croakers disturbing my peace of mind, especially when they're leery coves who know their business. Mind you, I began to wonder if he did, for now, after the terrors and transports of my first weeks in Lahore, there came a long spell in which nothing happened at all. We prosed daily about the Soochet legacy, and damned dull it was. The Inheritance Act of 1833 ain't a patch on the Police Gazette, and after weeks of listening to the drivel of a garlic-breathing dotard in steel spectacles on the precise meaning of "universum jus" and "seisin" I was bored to the point where I almost wrote to Elspeth. Barra choop, indeed.
But if there was no sign of the tempest foretold by Jassa, there was no lack of rumour. As the Dasahra passed, and October lengthened into November, the bazaars were full of talk of British concentration on the river, and Dinanath, of all people, claimed publicly that the Company was preparing to annex Sikh estates on the south bank of the Sutlej; it was also reported tha
t he had said that "the Maharani was willing for war to defend the national honour". Well, we'd heard that before; the latest definite word was that she'd moved from Amritsar to Shalamar, and was rioting the nights away with Lal. I was surprised that he was still staying the course; doubtless Rai and the Python were spelling him.
Then late in November things began to happen which caused me, reluctantly, to sit up straight. The Khalsa began to reassemble on Maian Mir, Lal was confirmed as Wazir and Tej as commander-in-chief, both made proclamations full of fire and fury, and the leading generals took their oaths on the Granth, pledging undying loyalty to young Dalip with their hands on the canopy of Runjeet's tomb. You may be sure I saw none of this; diplomatic immunity or not, I was keeping my head well below the parapet, but Jassa gave me eye-witness accounts, taking cheerful satisfaction at every new alarm, curse him.
"They're just waiting for the astrologers to name the day," says he. "Even the order of march is cut and dried—Tej Singh to Ferozepore with 42,000 foot, while Lal crosses farther north with 20,000 gorracharra. Yes, sir, they're primed and ready to fire."
Not wanting to believe him, I pointed out that strategically the position was no worse than it had been two months earlier.
"Except that there isn't a rupee left in the Pearl Mosque, and nothing to pay 'em with. I tell you, they either march or explode. I just hope Gough's ready. What does Broadfoot say?"
That was the most disquieting thing of all—for two weeks I hadn't had a line from Simla. I'd been cyphering away until Second Thessalonians was dog-eared, without reply. I didn't tell Jassa that, but reminded him that the final word lay with Jeendan; she'd charmed the Khalsa into delay before, and she could do it again.
"I've got ten chips*(*Rupees.) says she can't," says he. `"Once the astrologers say the word, it'd be more than her pretty little hide was worth to hold back. If those stars say `Go', she's bound to give 'em their heads—and God help Ferozepore!"
He lost his bet. "I shall instruct the astrologers," she had told me, and she must have done, for when the wise men took a dekko at the planets, they couldn't make head or tail of them. Finally, they admitted that the propitious day was obvious enough, but unfortunately it had been last week and they hadn't noticed, dammit. The panches weren't having that, and insisted that another date be found, and sharp about it; the astrologers conferred, and admitted that there was a pretty decent-looking day about a fortnight hence, so far as they could tell at this distance. That didn't suit either, and the soldiery were ready to string them up, at which the astrologers took fright and said tomorrow was the day, not a doubt of it; couldn't think how they'd missed it before. Their credit was pretty thin by this time, and although the gorracharra were ordered out of Lahore, Lal took them only a little way beyond Shalamar before hurrying back to the city and the arms of Jeendan, who was once more in residence at the Fort. Tej sent off the infantry by divisions, but stayed at home himself, and the march was petering out, Jassa reported.
I heaved a sigh of relief; plainly Jeendan was being as good as her word. Now that she was back, under the same roof, I considered and instantly dismissed the notion of trying to have a word with her; nothing could have been worse just then than talk spreading in the bazaar and the camp that she'd been colloguing with a British officer. So I sat down to compose a cypher to Broadfoot, describing the confusion caused by the astrologers, and how the Khalsa were marching round in rings without their two leading generals. "In all this (I concluded) I think we may discern a certain lady's fine Punjabi hand." Elegant letter-writers, we politicals were in those days—sometimes too elegant for our own good.
I sent it off by way of the Scriptures, and suggested to Jassa that he might canvass Gardner, who had returned with Jeendan, to find out the state of play, but my faithful orderly demurred, pointing out that he was the last man in whom Gardner would confide at any time, "and if the jealous son-of-a-bitch gets the idea that I'm nosing about right now, he's liable to do me harm. Oh, sure, he's Broadfoot's friend—but it's Dalip's salt he eats—and Mai Jeendan's. Don't forget that. If it comes to war, he can't be on our side."
I wasn't sure about that, but there was nothing to do but wait—for news of the Khalsa's intentions, and word from Broadfoot. Three days went by, and then a week, in which Lahore buzzed with rumours: the Khalsa were marching, the British were invading, Goolab Singh had declared first for one side then for the other, the Raja of Nabla had announced that he was the eleventh incarnation of Vishnu and was raising a holy war to sweep the foreigners out of India -- all the usual twaddle, contradicted as soon as it was uttered, and I could do nothing but endure the Soochet legacy by day, and pace my balcony impatiently in the evening, watching the red dusk die into purple, star-filled night over the fountain court, and listen to the distant murmur of the great city, waiting, like me, for peace or war.
It was nervous work, and lonely, and then on the seventh night, when I had just climbed into bed, who should slip in, all unannounced, but Mangla. News at last, thinks I, and was demanding it as I turned up the lamp, but all the reply she made was to pout reproachfully, cast aside her robe, and hop into bed beside me.
"After six weeks I have not come to talk politics," says she, rubbing her bumpers across my face. "Ah, taste, bahadur—and then eat to your heart's content! Have you missed me?"
"Eh? Oh, damnably!" says I, taking a polite munch. "But hold on … what's the news? Have you a message from your mistress? What's she doing?"
"This—and this—and this," says she, teasing busily. "With Lal Singh. Rousing his manhood—but whether for an assault on herself or on the frontier, who knows? Are you jealous of him, then? Am I so poor a substitute?"
"No, dammit! Hold still, can't you? Look, woman, what's happening, for heaven's sake? One moment I hear the Khalsa's marching, the next that it's been recalled—is it peace or war? She swore she'd give warning—here, don't take 'em away! But I must know, don't you see, so that I can send word —"
"Does it matter?" murmurs the randy little vixen. "At this moment … does it truly matter?"
She was right, of course; there's a time for everything. So for the next hour or so she relieved the tedium of affairs and reminded me that life isn't all policy, as old Runjeet said before expiring blissfully. I was ready for it, too, for since my protracted bout with Jeendan I hadn't seen a skirt except my little maids, and they weren't worth turning to for.
Afterwards, though, when we lay beneath the punkah, drowsing and drinking, there wasn't a scrap of news to be got out of her. To all my questions she shrugged her pretty shoulders and said she didn't know—the Khalsa were still on the leash, but what was in Jeendan's mind no one could tell. I didn't believe it; she must have some word for me.
"Then she has not told me. Do you know," says Mangla, gnawing at my ear, "I think we talk too much of Jeendan—and you have ceased to care for her, I know. All men do. She is too greedy of her pleasure. So she has no lovers—only bed-men. Even Lal Singh takes her only out of fear and ambition. Now I," says the saucy piece, teasing my lips with hers, "have true lovers, because I delight to give pleasure as well as to take it—especially with my English bahadur. Is it not so?"
D'you know, she was right again. I'd had enough of Punjabi royalty to last a lifetime, and she'd put her dainty finger on the reason: with Jeendan, it had been like making love to a steam road roller. But I still had to know what was in her devious Indian mind, and when Mangla continued to protest ignorance I got in a bate and swore that if she didn't talk sense I'd thrash it out of her—at which she clapped her hands and offered to get my belt.
So the night wore out, and a jolly time we had of it, with only one interruption, when Mangla complained of the cold draft from the fan. I bawled to the punkah-wallah to go easy, but with the door closed he didn't hear, so I turned out, cursing. It wasn't the usual ancient, but another idiot—they're all alike, fast asleep when you want a cool waft, and freezing you with a nor'easter in the small hours. I leathered the brute, and scampe
red back for some more Kashmiri culture; it was taxing work, and when I awoke it was full morning, Mangla had gone … and there was a cypher from Broadfoot waiting in Second 'Thessalonians.
So Jassa had been right—she was the secret courier after alL Well, the little puss … mixing business with pleasure, if you like. I'd wondered if it was she, you remember, on that first day, when she and others had had the opportunity to be at my bedside table. She was the perfect go-between, when you thought about it, able to come and go about the palace as she pleased … the slave-girl who was the richest woman in Lahore—easy for her to bribe and command other couriers, one of whom must have deputised while she was away in Amritsar. How the deuce had Broadfoot recruited her? My respect for my chief had always been high, but it doubled now, I can tell you.
Which was just as well, for if anything could have shaken my faith it was the contents of that cypher. When I'd decoded it I sat staring at the paper for several minutes, and then construed it again, to be sure I had it right. No mistake, it was pukka, and the sweat prickled on my skin as I read it for the tenth time:
Most urgent to Number One alone. On the first night after receipt, you will go in native dress to the French Soldiers' cabaret between the Shah Boorj and the Buttee Gate. Use the signals and wait for word from Bibi Kalil. Say nothing to your orderly.
Not even an "I remain" or "Believe me as all.
*
The trouble with the political service, you know, is that they can't tell truth from falsehood. Even members of Parliament know when they're lying, which is most of the time, but folk like Broadfoot simply ain't aware of their own prevarications. It's all for the good of the service, you see, so it must be true—and that makes it uncommon hard for straightforward rascals like me to know when we're being done browner than an ape's behind. Mind you, I'd feared the worst when he'd assured me: "It'll never come to disguise, or anything desperate." Oh, no, George, never that! Honestly, you'd be safer dealing with lawyers.
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