by Lindsey Hart
Asha recalled Gabriel was still there. She glanced over at him and was about to smile when she noticed he looked very pale. He hadn’t moved from the spot she’d left him in at the very beginning of it all.
She approached, about to ask him if he was alright when he turned and whirled, vomiting into the hay at the side of the pen.
Asha felt awful. She could understand why he would be sick. Birth was a miracle, but it was messy. And she looked like she had just walked out of a murder scene.
“Gabriel," Asha said, coming up behind him, she reached out a hand to help him. Gabriel wiped his mouth and stood, warding her off. She realized her hand was covered in blood and retracted it quickly. “Are you alright?”
He nodded. “Sorry- yes- I’ll just- go back to the cabin now..”
Asha watched helplessly as Gabriel stalked off. She would wash up and check that he was alright.
“You should leave him be,” Colt said. He came up behind her and stopped, a foot away.
Asha stared into those soft brown eyes. The hurt there was unmistakable. He nodded once and before she could say anything, he walked off. Asha couldn’t just let him go. Not after he’d helped her save that calf’s life. She ran after him. He stalked past her truck and continued on down the driveway.
“Where are you going?” Asha called after him. He didn't answer, didn't turn around. She sighed. She knew Penny would stay with Annika so she jumped in her truck and drove after Colt. It didn’t take her long to catch up with him. “What are you doing, Colt? Walking home?”
Colt nodded. It was over five miles back to his house, longer back to the field where he’d been working.
Asha snorted. “Come on. Don’t be ridiculous. Get into the truck and let me give you a ride.” Colton ignored her and kept walking. His jeans were blood spattered, his hands bloody though not as bad as her own. His t-shirt was soaked with sweat. His face had dirt and blood smears on it from where he’d wiped away sweat during the birthing process.
She continued to trail beside him for a distance before she realized that he was going to be too stubborn to get into her truck. He’d help her with the birth, help her save two lives, but he wasn’t going to accept another ride from her.
Finally she pulled the truck over and killed the engine. She got out and ran after Colton. She grabbed his hand, their palms quite a sight to behold, all bloody and dirty, but pressed together as one.
“Colton!”
“What?” He whirled and pulled his hand away. His eyes blazed fire.
“Won’t you at least let me give you a ride back to the house?” Asha panted. Her heart ached when Colt shook his head.
“I don’t need anything from you right now, Asha.”
“Is this because of… of Gabriel?” Asha asked incredulously. Colton didn’t really think there was something going on between them, did he? Yet she’d seen the raw, wounded look in his eyes when she’d offered Gabriel help. Did he think she broke up with him just because Gabriel was there?
He shrugged infuriatingly. “It’s because of us. You told me that we should stop seeing each other then I saw the way you looked at him. Is he really worth throwing away our friendship? And three years of… well, whatever it was we were doing?”
“This has nothing to do with Gabriel,” Asha insisted. “I’m sorry, I was just trying to help. It wasn’t anything more than that.” She felt like someone was jabbing a knife into her insides. The pain inside was so intense she could hardly breathe. “Please, let me give you a ride home. We can talk more there.”
Colt stared her down for a minute before his shoulders lost their tenseness. He didn’t nod. Didn’t say a word. He just turned and walked back to her truck and got in.
Asha drove them the rest of the way in utter silence.
As his house came into view her heart beat faster. It pounded just behind her ribs at an ever-increasing pace until she wondered if it would tear right out.
Colt’s house was as familiar as her own. She had sought it out in the dead of night, in the depth of her despair, in loneliness, in anger, in happiness. And Colt had always been there waiting.
Asha followed Colt inside. He took one look at her and ordered her into the shower. She complied because she truly wanted to talk to him. She couldn’t leave him like this, more wounded than ever, not after what he’d done for her… again.
The bathroom, like the rest of the house, wasn’t fancy and hadn’t been updated in a very long time. It had the same floral, faded yellow vinyl that was in the kitchen. The tub was a yellow hue that hadn’t been popular in at least four decades. There was a small vanity and a matching yellow toilet.
The shower curtain was a faded white sheet that was stiff with age. She’d showered at Colt’s house maybe twice before.
Asha stripped off her bloody clothing, started the shower and got in. The hot spray washed away the blood from her skin but it did nothing to ease the rawness just below the surface.
The click and whine of the door opening gave her pause. She froze, the shower’s spray pounding all around her.
The whisper of Colton undressing was as loud as a freight train. He pulled back the curtain and stood before her. She could tell, from the sheen in his eyes, that he was waiting for her to tell him to leave.
She said nothing. Just stepped aside to indicate the spray was his if he wanted it.
He got in beside her and let the hot water wash his own hands clean. Her eyes traversed the length of his body. A body bronzed and scarred from working his land and hers. He worked to give her crops life so that her animals had food and bedding. He loved her land almost as much as she did. He knew it intimately, probably better than she ever would. He knew her like that land.
He knew her body, her pain, her joys. He knew all of her and he accepted her on her terms. He’d been her rock for as long as she could remember, long before she’d finally found the courage to seek him out that first night. She’d known for a long time that he’d loved her. Long before she ever came to his house with the intent of changing their friendship forever. He’d loved her silently for years, accepting the little she could give because for him it was better than nothing at all. He put her needs, hopes and wants before his own.
“Thank you,” she whispered brokenly. “Thank you for always being here, Colt. For always being you. Thank you for today and for everything you’ve ever done for me.”
As usual he said nothing. Just reached out and clasped her hand, twined his fingers through her own and pulled her in against him. He was warm, vital, alive. One calloused hand traced a pattern over her arm. She rested her cheek on the hard muscle of his chest, just above the spot where his heart beat. It sounded dully in her ear. She breathed in, inhaling the scent of welding fumes, oil and diesel smoke that always clung to Colt.
She’d thought she could run away. That she could hide from him and the way she truly felt. She was wrong.
The carefully constructed walls she’d built so carefully and unknowingly around herself and her heart slowly crumbled. No, they’d been crumbling for years. They shattered completely the minute his lips met hers.
CHAPTER 19
Colton
Bright sunlight filtered through the bedroom window. It entered through the lace curtains and hit the quilt with dappled patterns.
Colt turned over in bed, wondering how the hell the sun had beat him up. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept so late. He stretched out tired muscles, still craving the last vestiges of sleep that clung to him.
His foot grazed warm, soft skin. His eyes flew open and he sat up suddenly, heart beating wildly. Asha. She’s still here.
In all their time spent together, the many times she had come to his house in the dead of night, she had never stayed. He knew what she felt about that. Hell, he knew what she felt about everything. How she thought herself incapable of love.
His eyes flickered to her face and he couldn’t help the foolish smile that turned up his lips. His chest ached and he w
as reluctant to even begin to hope that this could be a new beginning. It was pathetic that he stuck around. He’d always thought so, but this morning… Asha curled up there beside him, angelic and at peace, the sun playing over her porcelain features, it made it all worth it.
Every second of doubt, every moment of pain, every hard ache and sweat and injury. Long days under the blistering sun, the draining days of running a sanctuary, the stab of regret when Asha came to him and left just as quickly, it all brought him to this moment.
Colt slid out of bed, careful not to wake Asha. If she was beautiful awake, she was close to perfection asleep. That hardness that always seemed to remain with her, the walls she used to protect herself fell away and left a gentle innocence in their wake.
How long have I loved her? Since I was ten? Is that too young? Since the first time I saw her? No. That second he’d first laid eyes on Asha, he’d been ruined for anyone else. He’d been infatuated, taken with her even when they were still children, but it wasn’t until later that he truly learned what it was to want her with every ounce of his being. He’d tortured himself until that night, three years ago, when she had unbelievably and inexplicably walked through his door.
He knew it was about easing loneliness for her. He had thought it could be enough.
Colt dug in the ancient, scarred dresser, looking for a pair of clean jeans. There was one at the bottom, a silent reminder that the laundry must be piling up.
He slipped into the old, worn denim. He was looking around the floor for a t-shirt that might pass as clean when the rustle of sheets made him freeze. His head jerked up so hard his neck ached from the movement.
Asha sat up, wide eyed, her hair framing her face, a wild mass of blonde curls. Those blue eyes, the colour of a lake reflecting a cloudless sky on a hot summer afternoon, blinked once, confused.
“I’m in your bed,” she whispered.
Colt braced for it. The sting of rejection, the hasty retreat, the regret on her face.
Her slow, wide smile surprised him. She pulled the sheet up against her naked chest, suddenly shy. “I’ve never seen your room in the light of day.”
Colt glanced at the wrought iron bed frame, the heat up tall boy dresser which was at least a century old, the scarred, matching wash stand he used as a night table. “Well it isn’t much.” He ran a hand through his hair and realized it was standing on end on one side.
“Do you have a shirt I could wear? I seem to remember my clothes being covered in blood.”
Colt grinned. He moved to the dresser, feeling light as air and pulled open the drawer where he kept his best shirts. They were just plaid button ups, but he never had the need for anything better. He passed one out, crisp and folded.
Asha took it. She hesitated before she held it up to her nose and breathed in. “It doesn’t smell like you. Just like cedar and maybe a hint of laundry soap under that.”
“It’s been sitting in there for a while.” Colt’s gut tightened. Does she actually like the way I smell? He knew her scent off by heart. The mix of fresh air, shampoo and the true essence of her, that unique, individual scent that made each person who they were.
“Yah…” She moved and he averted his eyes while she slid into his shirt. He turned back when she was doing up the last button. Damn, she looks better in that shirt than I do.
“So, uh, I imagine you want me to drive you home. Any chance you would stay for breakfast?”
Asha hesitated and again Colt braced for rejection. “I… I really don’t know what I’m doing, what we’re doing yet. I know that I want you, but… it’s just- hard. Hard to think of things changing. I don’t know how to be what you need even though I finally know that I want to be.” The shimmer of tears in her eyes tugged at Colt’s heart. He moved quickly and sat down on the edge of the bed beside her.
He rested a hand on her sheet clad knee. “It’s fine. Take your time. All I have is time.”
His words only deepened the sadness in her eyes. “I’ve taken too much of your time already.”
“That’s impossible.” He couldn’t stop himself. He needed to touch her, to reassure her that despite the long years of waiting, of hurt, of hope, that he was still going to be here. If that was pathetic, then he was pathetic. If it was desperate than he was desperate. He didn’t care. He just wanted her. He’d wait until the end of time if that’s what it took.
She closed her eyes as he leaned forward and brushed a kiss on her forehead. She giggled at the rasp of his beard on her tender skin.
She leaned into him until slowly, so very slowly, her arms wrapped around his neck. His own, much larger, stronger arms came around her back and held her to him, not too hard or too tight. He only wanted to reassure her that he was there. He rested his chin, gently, against the crown of her hair.
“You’re the best man in the entire world, Colt,” Asha whispered into his bare chest. Her breath tickled, warm with life and promise.
He stiffened, felt his face heat up. He’d never been good with words and even worse when it came to praise.
“I don’t know about that,” he mumbled against her flaxen curls.
Asha voice was firm with certainty. “I do.”
Because he knew she couldn’t see him, Colt allowed himself, just for a second, to grin like a fool.
CHAPTER 20
Asha
Asha drove herself home, wearing Colt’s clothes. They were about ten sizes too big and she just hoped no one was up, walking around Roseland yet to see her.
Luck was finally on her side and she was able to slip into the house unnoticed. Once she was changed into her own jeans and t-shirt, Asha made herself a cup of tea and sat down at the dining room table. She glanced out the window, in the direction of Gabriel’s cabin.
She wished she could avoid him but he was only there for another day or so and she knew that she had to give him answers and input about the website.
It was just after eight, which meant Gabriel probably wasn’t up yet. Asha needed to talk. She decided to head to Ginny’s then double back and check up on Penny, who was probably already with Annika and her calf, then give her final say on the website.
Ginny, as ever, looked radiantly happy to see Asha when she knocked on the door. She was ushered straight to the table and given her second cup of tea that morning.
“So? I heard there was some excitement yesterday. With the new cow and her calf. I heard from Penny that you and Colton saved that calf’s life.”
Asha blushed, embarrassed at the glowing way Ginny looked at her. “I guess we helped. Annika did all the work though. And that calf managed to hang on somehow.”
“And?”
“And what?” Asha asked blankly. She sipped at her tea, scalded her tongue and set the mug back down. Ginny leaned forward eagerly.
“You didn’t come back last night.”
“How do you know that?”
Ginny grinned cunningly. “I heard your truck coming back this morning. My ears and eyes aren’t so old yet that I don’t notice these things.”
Asha groaned. “Now I know why dad always talked about building a fresh set of housing further away from the farm house.”
“Nonsense,” Ginny laughed. She grew serious a second later. “Were you with Colton?”
“Yes,” Asha admitted, since that was what she had come to talk about. She dropped her gaze, studying her tea far too intently. “He loves me, Ginny.”
Ginny laughed. “Goodness sakes, child, the whole community knows what Colton Arrington feels about you.” The elderly woman raised a white eyebrow. “Where’s the harm in that? Colton loving you.”
“You know what the harm is,” Asha sighed. “I told you I couldn’t be what he needed.”
Ginny sighed. “Maybe he’s more a part of you than you know.”
Asha raised her mug to her lips and took a long sip of tea which had cooled enough to drink. The mint soothed her. “I… he never said that he did. Not once.”
“But you know.”<
br />
“Yes. I know. It only made me feel worse because I know I could never be what he wanted or needed.”
“Honey, there are some people who tell you what you want to hear. They have eloquent words that make you feel special and beautiful, but behind those words is nothing at all. Then there are men who can’t tell you what they feel because they can’t find the words. They’re steady and true and there for you when you need them most.”
“I know. That’s the reason I feel so bad about all of this.”
Ginny’s wrinkled, age spotted hand moved to cover hers. “I’m not just talking about Colton. I’m talking about you as well. You say you can’t love Colton, but I think you always have. You’re just too scared to admit it, even to yourself.”
“I know. I know that’s true. I do care about him. Love him even. I just… he wants more than that. He wants a companion. A wife. Someone who wakes up with him in the morning. Someone who has breakfast and dinner with him. Someone who is truly there.”
“Would that really be so hard? Just to let go of all that fear and grief and just be there?”
“Yes.”
Ginny smiled softly. “You have all the passion in the world locked away in that heart. It is scary to love someone and it hurts like hell to lose them. I know it. You know it. Don’t let that stop you from living your life. You’ll only wind up with a pile of regrets later. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my Henry. He’s been gone over twenty years and the pain is still as fresh as when it happened. That doesn’t mean I regret being married. Loving him. Having our children. It’s what made my life worth living.”
Asha’s eyes filled with tears. I’m always crying lately. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right.” Ginny’s cackling laugh filled her tiny kitchen. “Child, you’ve been like one of my own children. Your parents were good people. Kind enough to provide housing for the people who worked for them. They hired Henry when we were hard up to find employment. Gave us this place as our own. Even after he died they let Karl and Bruce work for them so that we could stay. And after they found wives and moved on… you let me have this place.”