My eyes connected with the toned, sculptured ass of Q as he carried me back toward the house. I bumped and jostled and even though my ribs hurt, the protective shell my mind resided in didn’t let me wince.
Q hadn’t made a sound, even though the road was littered with twigs and crackly leaves. Somehow he’d tracked me down, pounced silently, and now held me captive.
I waited for the flutter of heartbeats—the knowledge and warmth that even though I hurt him so much last night, he couldn’t bear to let me go.
Nothing.
Only a dark stain appeared, clouding my thoughts, reminding me I had women’s blood beneath my fingernails and if I felt one emotion, I’d have to feel everything.
“Put me down,” I said.
Q didn’t say a word, striding purposely toward the house.
I pinched his butt, but he didn’t flinch. “Let me go, Q.”
“Never. You’re not fucking walking out of my life like this. Not yet.” His voice sounded off—fierce, angry, almost afraid.
“What are you doing?” I didn’t like the energy he emitted—the uncomfortable, edgy vibe.
He growled low in his chest, muttering a curse in French. He raised his voice. “You’re going to do something for me before you go.”
I frowned. “What do you want me to do?”
“I’ll tell you when we’re back at the house. And you won’t refuse, Tess. Because if you do, I’ll fucking kill you to put us both out of our misery.”
How much I wanted the thrill of terror at his words, the thickening of lust. I bounced on his shoulder, coaxing such feelings to manifest, but the best I could do was a pang of fear. Fear because I had no idea what Q had in store, and I hated newness. Newness always equalled terribleness. Newness meant beating up women and becoming dependant on drugs.
We didn’t say another word as Q carted me back like a kill he’d just shot. I didn’t whimper when my lungs ached from being squished, or complain when lightheadedness made me queasy from hanging upside down.
I didn’t make a peep as we entered the house or bat an eyelash when Franco stopped short, staring at me in Q’s grip.
Q took the steps two at a time, never out of breath from hauling my weight. He didn’t slow as we headed down the corridor. He smelled of alcohol and strain, even a trace of blood as he kicked open a door and carried me through.
The moment he slammed the door shut with his foot, he put me down. His lip was bruised and split, a shadow bloomed under his left eye, and he looked sleep deprived and tortured. What the hell happened to him?
He gave me a hard look with unreadable eyes, prowling to the bed.
I looked around. I’d never been in this room before. Painted in golds and reds, it had an exotic feel, a bit ostentatious, but it worked all the same. Q headed to the four-poster bed and tore off the thick duvet and sheeting, leaving a bare mattress. He headed to the bathroom before returning with four towels which he placed all over the bed, covering the fabric.
I stood unmoving, watching him tear around the room. Once he’d tugged and straightened the towel for the fifth time he came to stand in front of me, breathing hard.
He stood straighter, gathering energy from the room yet all the while seeming to shrink in on himself. His eyes locked with mine, and I gasped at the torment deep in their pale depths.
“Remember. If you refuse, I’ll kill you.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Quincy
You crawled into the darkness, set my monster free, so scream, bleed, call out to me, but never say stop, never flee…
I stood in front of Tess ready to do something I’d never done in my life. Something I didn’t know if I could stomach. Something I didn’t know if I could walk away from.
“Merde.” I hung my head, running hands over my bruised face. The entire journey carrying Tess here, I tried to think of another way. A way where I could keep my fucked-up sanity and still fix her.
But I couldn’t see any other logic.
There was no other way.
I had to let her take away my ownership, my very fucking life.
Tess stood there with her arms straight by her sides, her blonde curls so wild and carefree compared to her closed-off detachment.
I hated her in that moment—hated the coldness, the lack of connection. The way she left me to flounder and die of a broken heart. I wanted to throw her on the bed and make her scream. I wanted to do all sorts of things to her to get a reaction. I wanted to hurt her until she used the safe-word again but this time, ignore it. I wanted to push past her barriers and make her see the truth.
I can’t. I wouldn’t be responsible for destroying her mind.
Gritting my jaw, I ran hands through my hair. I couldn’t stand still. I was like a fucking schoolboy about to lose his virginity all over again.
And in a way I was.
“Tu ne sauras jamais ce que ça me coûte.” You’ll never know the cost of this, I murmured, looking up for the first time. “The amount it’s taxing me.”
Tess’s gaze softened. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to do it. I’ve caused enough damage.”
I growled, hating that I offered so much and she had the nerve to deny it. “It’s not a negotiation, Tess. You’re doing this. I’m just letting you know how much this will hurt me. How much I’m willing to put my life on the line—for you.”
She froze, nostrils flaring.
The word mistake danced in my mouth and I swallowed it back. This wasn’t a mistake. I fucking loved her, and it was time I told her that.
“I love you,” I snarled, as if was a terrible thing—an abomination.
Her eyes widened and she looked away. “Don’t do this, Q.”
I moved closer and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me. I let go of everything, every barrier, every smoke and mirror. I let her see everything I was. All the fear I felt, all the love I burned with. “You could be anywhere and I would still hurt, esclave.”
Her eyes stayed cold, even after I showed her how much I needed her. She shook her head, trying to get free. “I can’t give you what you need anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to unlock whatever space I’m trapped in, but it’s no use.”
I ran my nose along her jaw, breathing her in, imprinting her scent of frost and orchids into my soul. When Tess did as I demanded, I doubted I’d want to be this close to her.
“It’s not about what I need. It’s about what you need.” I paused, gathering my tattered courage. “I’m going to give you what you need.”
Tess sucked in a little breath.
I flinched, eyes delving into hers, trying to see if she felt something, reacted to what I said.
But nothing glittered, nothing shone.
In that moment, I wanted to tear the room apart. I wanted to kill the bastards who took her all over again. Damn it to fucking hell. The fucking bastards. The fucking screwed-up world.
Tess touched my cheek, grounding me. “Are you okay?” I wished she asked me out of concern, but I knew better.
“How can you ask that? How can you honestly think I’m okay? I had everything I ever dreamed of, then had it all snatched away. I miss you so damn much, but you don’t care. You don’t love me anymore. You took everything from me and you have the nerve to ask if I’m okay.” I laughed with the black humour of the situation. “I’m going to either ruin you or heal you. It’s one or the other, Tess. Starting now. This will either fix us or leave us in fucking pieces.”
“What will?”
“I want you to take me.” My voice shook. What a sap. I tried again. “You’re going to do whatever you want to me. You’re going to take everything I have to offer by any means necessary.” I pressed my mouth to her ear. “You’re going to hurt me, Tess. And hurt me so fucking much.”
Her mouth dropped open. She gawked, unseeing, unspeaking.
“I’ve fucked you. I’ve hit you. I’ve loved you in my own way, but it’s not enough to fix you. I can’t whip what happened out of
you. You need to help yourself, and I’m offering to be the one you take all that rage and pain out on.”
The air grew thick and heavy; I couldn’t breathe. She knew. She was too smart, too intelligent, not to realize what I offered.
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Of course, I fucking knew what I was saying. I was going against every little cell in my body. I was going against nature. I was shooting the beast inside me with a shotgun and handing over my balls. Ignoring every instinct. Every desire I’d ever had.
“I know exactly what I’m offering, esclave. Take it. Before I change my mind.” Before I run away screaming like a little girl.
Before I lose you.
Before I lose myself.
“It’s not that simple. Even if I do hurt you it won’t make a difference, Q. There’s no point putting yourself through something you’ll hate.”
“There is a point if it brings you back. I’m not leaving until we get this over with. I don’t make this offer lightly. I don’t expect you to turn me down. You owe me.”
She coughed. “I owe you?”
“Yes.” I nodded hard. “And I’ll tell you why. Whatever you lived through was terrible, awful and hellish, I know that, and I know you don’t want to talk about it—that’s why I don’t push. But try and think what it was like for me. You were stolen from my office! My care and protection. You were taken away from me for seventeen fucking days. Every lead I chased was a dead-end, every hope, a fucking tease.” I hit myself violently in the solar plexus, reliving that horror, the panic at not finding her. “Don’t you think all of this is hard on me, too? You owe me, so hurt me. Make me suffer because I wasn’t able to save you.”
My chest heaved and the truth burst free. “It’s all my fucking fault. All of it. The building contracts. The saving of slaves. The fact I thought I was invincible. I never thought to think of enemies and anything happening to you. I was a selfish fucking moron.”
I had to stop and swallow around the lump forming in my throat. “It’s all my fault you’re like this. So if I order you to make me suffer, it’s the least you can do. Libère moi de ma douleur, Tess.” Free me of my pain.
I cupped her cheek, drowning in her eyes. “I asked you once to give me your pain as my pleasure. This time take my pain as your pleasure.”
It was a night of firsts and I dropped to my knees, bowing my head against her thighs. “Please, esclave. Don’t make me keep asking. I don’t have the strength.” It felt awkward and horrid being in a position of submission, but at the same time, so right and perfect. The two emotions tangled, making me quiver with anxiety.
I didn’t move. It was up to Tess now.
It felt like a full year before Tess shifted. Her gentle hand landed on my head. She threaded her fingers through my hair, soothing the never leaving headache, making me groan.
Was I making this worse by forcing her? Causing more damage to her already strained mind?
“I can’t, Q.”
I looked up, locking eyes. “You can. And you will.”
She tried to untangle herself from my grip, but I tightened, not letting her go. “You’re letting the bastards win, esclave. Do you want that? Do you want them to rule your life?” I stood, never letting go of her. “Where’s the fight I’m so used to? The Tess I knew, the esclave I fell for, wouldn’t lie down and not fight to the death.”
The seconds ticked past and doubt shaded her face. She bit her lip, looking anywhere but me. I was sure she’d disagree again, and thoughts ran riot on how I could force her to hurt me. I didn’t know what it would mean if this failed.
Finally, her eyes settled on mine; she whispered, “Are you sure?” Such caring, such gentleness shone from her face, that even though there was nothing else there—no soul or deep emotion—I took happiness from hope.
This would work. It had to.
I stood, bending to press one soft kiss on her lips. “I’m sure. Je suis à toi, tout à toi.” I’m yours. All yours.
Her chest rose and she nodded. “Okay.”
I didn’t waste another moment. Grabbing her hand, I led her across the room.
She stood where I positioned her by the bed while I went to the cupboard. This room had a history. A history I would rather not think about, but it came stocked with apparatus and things required.
Opening the doors of the cupboard, I stopped short, panic running down my spine.
I was about to do something that would cripple me. I wanted to wipe this day free from my mind once it was over. I would destroy this room and everything in it so I never had to remember.
With nerves lodged in my throat, I pulled out ropes, cuffs, bondage of all types.
Tess watched remotely as I piled my arms full of things and headed back to the bed. Placing them on the towel at the foot of the four poster, I looked at Tess. “Tie me up.”
I never thought I’d ever say those words. But I needed her to bind me. I wouldn’t be able to go through with this if she didn’t. I’d run like a fucking coward, or lash out and hurt her.
She picked up the leather cuffs, the buckles clinking. “Where?”
Trying to curb the terror and anger and so many fucking things, I forced myself to sit on the mattress and lie down.
My heart was a fucking crazy thing going a billion miles an hour; I couldn’t look at Tess. I couldn’t look anywhere but at the large canopy above my head. The four posters were sturdy—half a fucking tree sturdy—once she bound me, I wouldn’t be able to get free.
My stomach rolled and I swore I would be sick. Shit. Oh, shit. What the fuck am I doing?
Tess glided closer to the bed, looking like a malnourished ghost. She eyed the cuff, then my limbs. My fists pressed against my thighs, every muscle locked tight.
I hadn’t undressed. The element of having jeans and a T-shirt on was my only armament; I wanted to keep it that way.
I gritted my teeth, spreading my legs for her.
She swallowed and obediently looped the soft leather around my ankle.
Black spots appeared in my vision as she tightened the buckle around the bedpost. She fastened it and I wriggled.
“You need to do it tighter. I can get free.” I hated every word. I wanted to chop out my tongue for being such a traitor, but I wasn’t doing this for me. I was doing this for Tess. To somehow break the barrier she’d fortified. If it took dynamite in the form of making me shatter, then so be it.
Tess nodded, tightening the buckle until it bit into my skin. Heat travelled up my leg, causing me to shiver with helplessness.
Torturing me with fluttering touches and slowness, Tess secured my other ankle before sighing heavily. She looked at me with a thousand wishes in her eyes and no hope. Moving toward the head of the bed, she chose a length of silk rope.
Our eyes never left each other as she bent and captured my hand with hers. The moment her delicate fingers touched my trembling skin, I bucked. My cock roared to life and all I wanted to do was kiss her, fuck her, never let her fucking go again.
She bit her lip, her eyes darkening just a little.
“Embrasse moi!” Kiss me, I demanded, capturing her hand with mine.
We stared so long, so hard, I wondered if I’d die waiting for her to obey. Finally, she bent in half, lowering herself toward me. My legs might be bound, but my arms and torso weren’t. The moment she was in grabbing distance, I wrapped my arms around her, dragging her hard against me.
She let out a small cry before my lips crashed onto hers. I speared my tongue into her mouth. She froze for the briefest of moments, then struggled as I held her tighter. She whimpered as I bit her bottom lip.
I groaned as her taste filled my mouth. She reminded me of happier times, of confused times, but most of all, the love I’d lost. The love I wanted to get back.
Her hands pressed against my chest, pushing me away.
Reluctantly, I let her go. She bolted upright, breathing hard. My heart lodged in my throat at the panic in her eyes
.
Something had eroded, showing a little glimpse of all that emotion locked inside her.
Shaking her head, she grabbed my wrist and slammed my hand above my head. I didn’t fight even though the beast inside wanted to tear her into smithereens.
Her fingers fumbled around my wrists, jerking them with every knot of the rope. She grimaced as she pulled harder, tightening the restraints to the point of pain.
I never took my eyes off her as she circled the end of the bed and climbed onto the mattress to restrain my other hand. I placed it above my head for her, drinking in her rising fear—the scent of turmoil and panic.
After weeks of nothing but coldness, the onslaught of her emotions intoxicated me better than any whiskey. Every second that ticked past, Tess lost the glassy sterile look, descending further into crazed and scared.
It’s working. The curse around her fucking heart was breaking.
Tess tested the rope on my wrist one last time before scrambling off the bed and staring at me with such a soul-crumbling look in her eyes it undid me once and for all.
I fucking loved this woman. Not just for now. Not just for tomorrow. But always. Now and forever, I was hers.
I nodded, gritting my teeth. “Do it, esclave. Do whatever you want to me. I’ll accept whatever you give. I’ll live and be happy with whatever scraps you let me have.” My voice was rough, laced with sorrow, but I kept going. “I give you myself, Tess. If it doesn’t make you come back to me, then this is it. This is the last time I’ll have you close, and I want to see passion in your eyes one last time.”
I waited for a tear, a twitch, some recognition of how much I offered, but only terror greeted me. She stood stiff as a fucking board, no longer looking at me, but back there—back in the place where her nightmares brewed.
“Tess…” I wanted to tell her not to be afraid, to let them take her. That I’d be with her every step, but she shook her head, gripping her hair with desperate fingers.
She mumbled something under her breath, before exploding to the other side of the room, heading toward the open cupboard.
I strained to see what she collected and my heart bucked when she came back with whips, floggers, scissors, and vials.
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