by Mary Yarde
“Don’t,” he shook his head and took her hand away from his face, although he kept a hold of it. “I am not honourable, and I am not kind. Amandine, I am a killer. I take innocent lives every day because I want the money.”
“But you don’t want the money for yourself. You want the money for Alden,” she whispered.
His eyes clouded in confusion. Yrre was the only one who knew the truth, or so he had thought.
“Oh, Merton,” she sighed, seeing his confusion and disbelief. “I know you. I have known you for what feels like forever. I know how your mind works.”
“You never knew me,” Merton contradicted. Nobody did, not really.
“I kept your secrets.”
“I never had any,” Merton stated.
“Did you not? So who was that boy who used to throw a rope down from the battlements so he could escape his tutor?”
“You knew I did that? And you didn’t say anything?” Merton could scarcely believe it. He was aware that the topic of his disappearances had been of great interest to his brothers. He had thought no one had known how he managed to avoid his lessons, but she had, and yet, she had kept her silence. Why?
“I used to watch you,” she explained with a hint of redness on her cheeks. “You fascinated me. You were wild, and you didn’t seem to care what others thought of you. I suppose you symbolised freedom to me. I realise now, how much of a child I still was when I married Garren. Not that I’m complaining, Garren meant the world to me, and I loved him, but...” she smiled sadly. “There was a part of me that wanted to pick up my skirt and chase after you. Nothing seemed to daunt you. Can you remember when you stole that cart and let it roll over the cliff?”
Merton laughed at the memory. “That was your fault. You dared me.”
“I didn’t think you would do it.”
“It was an exceptionally nice cart. It was a shame it broke apart so spectacularly, but at least my antics cut short the great and majestic Lady Riou’s, visit.”
“I was glad to see the back of her; that was for sure.”
“I was doing my Lady a favour?” Merton bowed his head, and when he raised it, his eyes were twinkling with amusement. “You said you hated her. I did too. I was happy to help hasten her departure.”
“You talked your way out of the situation so elegantly. What was it you said? Some ne’er-do-well had stolen the cart, and you had risked life and limb to retrieve it, but alas, you were too late and the men had run off.”
“I wasn’t too late to unhitch the horses. She asked me how they survived and the cart did not.”
“And what did you say?”
“God works in mysterious ways. It is not for the likes of me to question him.”
Amandine giggled. “Did she believe you?”
“Of course, she didn’t. But where was her proof?”
The smile slipped from Amandine’s face as she remembered more about the past. “Garren used to argue with Alden about you all the time. You were the only thing they ever disagreed on.”
19
Merton did not say anything; he just looked at her in bewilderment, the amusement had gone from his eyes. Garren and Alden had been very close, so close in fact that as a child he had been jealous of Garren. He could not imagine them arguing about anything, at least of all him.
“Alden used to make excuses for your behaviour all the time,” Amandine explained. “Budic, and Garren as well for that matter, said you needed a strong hand to guide you. They said that you needed to be sent away to a monastery to learn what discipline was. But Alden,” she shook her head as she remembered, “he would not hear of it. He was the younger brother, and he should not have had any say in the matter, but as far as you were concerned, he made sure that his opinion was not only heard, but acted upon. He hit Budic once, no, that’s a lie, Alden beat Budic black and blue, even though, back then there was a difference in size between the two of them. Alden couldn’t have been any more than fourteen, but he fought like a man.”
“What did I do to cause such a row?” Merton asked, as he tried desperately to remember. But there had been so many incidents, so many wrongdoings on his part, that he could not pinpoint a particular occurrence down.
“I cannot remember what you had done, but Budic had decided a flogging would…” She sighed. “Alden lost his temper. I was so frightened. I had never seen such rage before. Alden was always so calm and so placid, I didn’t know he had this side to him. I thought he was going to kill Budic. I started screaming — I didn’t know what else to do. Garren must have heard me because he came running. Garren burst into the Hall, pushed me out of the way and then threw himself into the fight. By the time he managed to drag Alden away, my husband was nursing a black eye and a split lip. I can remember Garren yelling at the very top of his voice, telling Alden to calm down and Budic to keep back. But Alden was so angry. He scared me. There was murder in his face.”
“Alden has a temper,” Merton said. “I have only seen him lose total control once, and that was when our sister died, and he wanted answers and Natanleod, may God have mercy on his soul, wasn’t giving them to him. Alden was escorted from Sussex in chains. It could have been a lot worse. Natanleod could have hung him.”
“Alden was always protective of Rheda, but that paled in comparison to how he felt about you. I think he would have killed Budic if Garren had not been there that day. In the end, Garren made a promise that nothing would happen to you and eventually he broke through Alden’s rage. Unsurprisingly, Alden and Budic’s relationship went rapidly downhill from there on in. But…” she smiled softly, “Budic took back his words, and you avoided the beating. Alden had his way in the end, as he always did when it came to you.”
“Alden, he…” Merton sighed heavily at such revelations. He recalled Garren’s black eye and swollen lip. He thought Garren had fallen off his horse. That was the story Alden had told him when he asked how Garren had come by his injuries. Merton remembered that Alden’s knuckles had been red and bruised, at the time he had not thought to question why. Budic had ridden away from the castle that very afternoon. Merton remembered jumping out of the way as Budic spurred his horse on out of the castle grounds. Budic had not returned for two sennights. It had been a very carefree fourteen days.
Merton had not known that he was the cause of the hatred between Budic and Alden. He had always thought that he was the one standing between them, keeping the peace. Alden should have told him the truth long before now. He lowered his gaze. Perhaps it would be a good thing when Wihtgar finally caught up with him. Perhaps his wife had been right when she said the world would be a better place without him in it.
“You love Alden, more than anything, more than anyone, because, despite everything and no matter what you did, he saw you for who you really were, he saw the good in you. When your parents died, Alden took it upon himself to be both mother and father to you. He said that your father had asked him to take care of you, and that is what he intended to do. He became your unofficial guardian.”
“Father should not have placed such a responsibility on Alden’s shoulders; he was too young. That was wrong of him.”
“Perhaps your father felt Alden was the only one of his sons he could trust to take care of you.”
“Maybe. All I know is that if it had not been for Alden, I would not have survived their deaths. I know I wasn’t the ideal child. I know my parents looked at me with disappointment.”
“They didn’t,” Amandine argued.
“They did. You know they did. Amandine, I tried so hard to be who they wanted me to be, but I just couldn’t be that person. My father once said to me if I could concentrate as well on my studies as I did getting into trouble then I would go far. But being locked in a room with that awful little man our father had engaged to tutor us was unbearable. He almost drove me insane. I could never please him, no matter how hard I tried and in the end I had to escape his lessons.”
“I never understood why you found his lessons so
hard. You are so clever-”
“Another lie,” Merton sighed. “Amandine, I can read, and languages come easy to me, and I am good at seeing ways out of impossible situations, hence me still being alive, but I cannot write.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, of course you can.”
“Father had a Roman stylus, it was a treasured possession of his, passed down from his father’s father, he thought if he let me use it, then I would be able to…the truth is a sword in my hand feels right, but a stylus does not. As a child, I couldn’t make the letters, no matter how hard I tried and I did try. I just physically couldn’t do it. And even now, I struggle and as for spelling…never ask me to write to you, because I will not,” he said, trying to make light of it. But the memory of not being able to do what his brothers did naturally still rattled. “That man, that monk, made my life hell, you have no idea how malicious he was. He was a sly old-” Merton bit back an obscenity. “He was the first person I ever truly hated and the first person I ever pointed my knife at in anger. When I withdrew my knife from his throat he fled the room. I thought I would be whipped for sure, but nothing was ever said of it. I often wondered why he kept quiet, not that I am complaining,” Merton grinned. “Even Alden would not have been able to stop a beating if the monk had told them what I had done. After that, he would leave work out on the table for me to do with strict orders that it was to be handed in by the end of the day. I guess he didn’t want to be in my presence any more than I wanted to be in his. I would grab the parchment from the table, find Josephine and get her to do it for me. She was always good at those sort of things…” His words faded to nothing.
“I used to envy the friendship you had with Josephine. Everything was so easy between the two of you. You didn’t even need words. It was as if you knew what the other was thinking. I have never experienced a friendship like that.”
“She was important to me,” Merton frowned as he remembered. “She understood me like no other. She...” he shook his head. “I loved her,” he looked at Amandine as he spoke. “I convinced even myself that the love I felt for her was that of a brotherly nature, but it wasn’t. I broke her heart and I am sorry for that.”
“You were very young,” Amandine said, feeling a touch of envy at Merton’s confession. “You must not blame yourself about how things ended between the two of you.”
“I was old enough to know better. Don’t make excuses for me. Did you know I took her innocence?”
“I know,” Amandine answered.
“You do?” Merton chuckled. “Is there nothing that gets past you?”
“Josephine skipped into my chamber the morning after. She was so excited. She thought you were going to marry her.”
“If you are trying to make me feel better, it isn’t working,” Merton said.
“She set out to trap you,” Amandine answered, her expression remaining serious. “She told me that she was going to get you drunk and take you to bed. I should have come to you straight away. Warned you. I just didn’t think she would go through with it. Josephine was so flighty back then, I never took anything she said seriously. I am sorry.”
“I wouldn’t have listened if you had. And, despite being drunk, I wouldn’t have made love to her if I hadn’t wanted to. I should have married her.”
“Merton-”
“I should go,” Merton said, interrupting her, he didn’t want to talk of Josephine or the past anymore. “I think we have raked over the past enough for one day, and besides, you were right, it isn’t proper for me to be here alone with you.”
“No. Don’t go, not yet.” She reached out to stop him from leaving, and he paused looking down at her hand on his arm. She ran her hand gently down the length of his arm until she could clasp his hand with hers.
“Can I ask you something?” Merton mumbled.
“Of course.”
“Why do you think I fight for Alden?” Merton didn’t want to admit that she was right about him, but he was curious as to why she thought he became a mercenary for Alden’s sake.
“I was in the Great Hall when Budic’s army came back from Cerniw, after the war.” Amandine explained. “They described a kingdom destroyed. When Alden came here for help, he had nothing but the clothes on his back. And when I heard, a year later, that you had gone to war…it didn’t take me long to figure out why you had.”
“Beautiful and clever,” Merton said with a gentle smile.
“I am right, then? You fight to keep Alden on his throne? You have sacrificed your life for his.”
“You make me sound like a martyr.”
“I think you have to die to be one of those,” Amandine squeezed his hand as she spoke.
“And don’t forget I would have to be saintly,” Merton added dryly. “Believe me, there is no halo hanging over my head.”
“I may have chosen the wrong word,” Amandine said and then she laughed softly.
Merton didn’t smile back. “I pay Cerdic to keep away from Cerniw.” He didn’t know why he suddenly felt this strong urge to confess all, and when he saw her face, he wished he could take the words back.
“I don’t understand. You pay Wessex? Why…why would you do something like that?” She gripped his hand tightly in hers as she spoke.
“He blackmailed me into spying for him, but soon that wasn’t enough, and he wanted money. I don’t want to spy for him, I don’t want to pay him, but I have no choice. Every month he asks for more and more money, and I have to keep killing indiscriminately to get it to him. The only way I can be free of him is if I die. But if I die then he will take his army back to Cerniw, and I cannot let that happen,” he shrugged helplessly. “And if Alden ever found out, he would have nothing to do with me ever again, and then I might as well be dead.”
Amandine shook her head in confusion. “I don’t understand…what are you saying? Why would you do something like that?”
“I wanted to ensure that Wessex would never cross the border again.”
“Merton, I…”
“I couldn’t stop Cerdic from taking Alden on the battlefield. And when I think of what Cerdic did to him, how he tortured him, and when I see the scars on his back, or when I see the fear in his eyes, when he thinks no one is looking,” he shook his head as a tear escaped. “I have to protect him. No matter what that means for me.”
“You truly did sign a pact with the devil then. Oh, Merton,” she wrapped her arms around him, overcome with compassion at his confession. “What can I do to help?”
In answer, his fingers forked through her hair, and he held her more the tighter. “There’s more,” he whispered.
He had wanted to tell her about Tanick and as he seemed to be in the mood to confess, now was as good a time as any. He wanted honesty between them if nothing else. He wanted her to know the truth. He wanted at least one person to know the truth. “I have a son.”
She froze in his arms, but she did not pull away as he expected her to.
“Does that mean you also have a wife?” she asked, and he heard her breath catch after she spoke.
“I did,” Merton said. “But not anymore.”
She pulled back a little to look at him. “She died?”
Merton laughed without humour. “She is dead, yes, but if she were alive, she would tell you the truth about me. She would tell you that I am a demon and that I had seduced her with all my dark skills. She would tell you that...” His voice trailed off, and he took a moment to compose himself. “She would tell you that I killed her…and that I buried her in an unmarked grave.” He closed his eyes so he didn’t have to witness the fear in hers. He waited for her to push away from him, but she did not, she remained in his arms.
She reached up and touched his cheek with her hand, feeling the dampness of tears, which he didn’t realise he’d shed, on his skin.
“What is his name? Your son? What is his name?” she asked.
She certainly knew how to surprise him. No questions about his wife and how she met her end. She was
like no woman he had ever met. He opened his eyes and instead of fear or revulsion he saw concern. “What makes you think I gave him a name? What makes you think I kept him with me?”
“What is his name?” she asked again.
“Tanick,” Merton answered. “And he is beautiful, and I love him so very much.”
“Can I see him?” she asked, and he saw the way her eyes lit up with excitement at the thought. Amandine was childless. Merton had always known she longed for a child. She was so kind and compassionate. She would make a wonderful mother, but God had not seen fit to grant her any children of her own.
“Can you see him?” Merton repeated. He laughed in disbelief.
“I know he is with you. I know you would not abandon him. I would like very much to meet him.”
“I didn’t want to bring him into the castle. I do not want Budic to know of his existence, not after he lost his boy. You know, when I think of Anna and how much she longed for a child and then I think of my wife and how she tried to terminate her pregnancy because she didn’t want the spawn of the devil to be growing inside of her…and when he was born…” He swallowed back the words. She didn’t need to know all the details. It wasn’t fair to burden her with all of his mistakes. “Alden is going to take him back with him when he leaves. It’s for the best. I cannot be a proper father to him and Alden can.”
“You can be a proper father,” she argued. “Go with Alden when he leaves, be with your son,” Amandine urged, with tears in her own eyes. “Merton, you came here not to ravish me, but to frighten me away from you, didn’t you? You want me to hate you, but I can’t because I know what is in here,” she placed her hand on his chest where she could feel his heart beating. “You have a good heart, despite everything. There is greatness in you. I can see it every time you look at me, and I can feel it every time you touch me.”
“That is passion, and your eyes deceive you. You are trying to make me something I am not,” Merton argued. “You don’t know the half of it.”