I slipped into my camel coat. We walked out together, arm in arm. Like a real married couple, so much in love they needed to touch, even if it was fabric against fabric. Sleeve against sleeve.
Monday nights were usually slow, but the club was crowded that night. I glimpsed Billy during the shows, sitting in a small table against the wall. He sat through two shows, and then signaled me at the start of the third that he’d be back.
We were all beat when we finally made it to the dressing room. We dragged ourselves into our clothes.
I figured Billy would be outside the front entrance, waiting. I would be like the other girls, sweeping out to see my beau. Suddenly, I remembered Hank. Would he show up tonight? I doubted it, after the scene at the rink. I would call him tomorrow, make sure things were okay with us.
I walked into the club. The lights were still low, and the waiters were trying to get the last stragglers out. I walked across the dance floor and saw a sudden shaft of light touch my sleeve. I turned back and saw Nate silhouetted in the doorway that led from backstage to the door of the private lounge.
My heart fell. I’d been on the lookout for him tonight, and had been relieved when I hadn’t seen him. I figured he was back in Providence.
He signaled to me, and I had no choice but to walk over.
“Mirto just went upstairs to the lounge,” he said. “Could you run up there and sit with him for a few minutes? Just chat him up. I have to —”
“No,” I said, and I could see he wasn’t happy I’d interrupted. “I can’t. I already changed, and I’m going home.”
I saw the flare of anger in his eyes. “What makes you think you get to say no?”
My breath caught. We were alone in the hallway. He had said the words so calmly, but I felt the menace, the threat.
“Don’t be a dumb kid and kick down a ladder,” he said. “Understand? I’m telling you, it’s just a few minutes, sit with a guy and make him happy.”
I was afraid to say no. I said it anyway. “No.”
His eyes narrowed, but before he could say anything we heard footsteps on the dance floor. We both turned our heads and saw Billy. When he saw who I was talking to he stopped walking.
“Billy.” Nate breathed his name almost like he was afraid.
Billy walked toward us, a slight, puzzled frown on his face. “Hey, Pop. What are you doing here? I thought some guy was trying to muscle in on my girl.”
Nate gave me a sharp look. “I didn’t know you were in town.”
“I just got in today. I didn’t know you went in for nightclubs.” Billy looked from me to his father. He was watchful, careful. I knew that look. He didn’t like to be surprised.
“I’ve seen your father here a couple of times,” I said.
“I have a client in New York now, so I come down pretty often,” Nate said casually. “It’s good to see you. You look well.”
“I’m all right.” Billy looked uncomfortable under Nate’s gaze. He wasn’t giving him anything.
“Would you kids like to get a late supper? I could take you to Reuben’s. We can sit, have something to eat, talk.”
“No, thanks,” Billy told him.
“Coffee, then.” Nate shot me a look that said, Help me out here.
“Billy, why don’t you go,” I said. “I’m completely dead. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Maybe tomorrow,” Billy said to his father. It was like, now that he was wearing a uniform, he was able to say no, and Nate had to take it. “I was just going to walk Kit home, then head to Brooklyn to stay with my buddy.”
“Let me give you cab fare —”
“No, Pop!” Billy’s voice was sharp.
As he took my arm to lead me out, I saw Nate’s face, clenched and furious. I just didn’t know who he was mad at more.
Eighteen
New York City
November 1950
We walked out the front entrance. Billy held my hand, but his mind wasn’t on me. He was walking fast, and I had to double-time to keep up. We slipped through the stragglers at the entrance. Billy waved away a cab. His hand tightened on mine as we darted across Third Avenue. It wasn’t until we were on a quiet crosstown street that he spoke.
“What the hell is he doing here? I figured he was in Providence.”
“I’ve seen him a few times,” I admitted. “I think he likes to check up on me, make sure I’m okay.”
“I guess he thinks you’re still my girl,” Billy said. “I never told him we broke up.”
I held up our entwined hands. “See how that worked out?”
I was relieved that he smiled, but it faded right away. “I wasn’t ready to see him,” he said.
I squeezed his hand. “So, what did you think of the show?”
“I thought it was swell. And I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I was trying to figure if it was because you’re my girl or not. And I decided that it’s not. There’s always a girl everybody notices. You’re that girl.”
“That’s sweet,” I said. “But I’m sure you think that because I’m your girl.”
“No, I mean it,” Billy said earnestly. “I can really see it now, Kit. You’re in this big New York production, with the right costumes and the right dances, and you can really shine. You belong here. I’m really proud of you.” He stopped and put his hands on my shoulders so I could look into his face. “Really proud.”
He was being genuine, I could see it. His approval meant more than anybody’s. More than anything. I wanted to tell him about the callback right then, see the excitement in his eyes. But what if he slipped and told his father? Nate might tell the owner of the club.
Another secret to keep. Would I ever be able to get to the place where everything was open between us?
He tipped my chin up with his finger. “What is it? You looked so happy, and then so sad.”
“There’s so many things to say,” I said. “And there isn’t any time to say them. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen.”
He leaned over and kissed me. “I promise you. I’ll be back. The thing is — I started giving a damn again.”
I leaned into the kiss, and the world dropped away. We only stopped because someone harrumphed behind us, a man walking a dog.
“Carry on, soldier,” he said as he passed us.
We slowed our steps, letting the man and his spaniel get ahead of us. Someone was buying a newspaper and an orange at the place that stayed open all night. What people don’t know about New York is that someone is always awake. I hadn’t realized how comforting that was. You give up your home when you move to Manhattan, but you get something else — a feeling that you’re right smack in the world.
“I can see you here, making your way in Manhattan,” Billy said. “I just wish I could be here with you.”
“You will be.”
“Onstage, you look so beautiful, so… mature. Like a doll, like a beautiful living doll.”
“I’m not a doll. I’m just me. I’m just a dancer.”
“No, I mean, guys will be after you. You could fall in love with someone else. No, don’t look at me that way, I’m not being jealous. It’s just a fact. Men chase after girls like you, Kit, and now that you’re dancing in this big nightclub, you think it won’t happen?”
“It doesn’t matter if they chase if I don’t get caught. Anyway, I don’t want to do this forever. I want to go back to the theater.”
“It’s not easy, having a girl who’s a dancer. It’s not going to be easy when I’m halfway around the world. Because what you want to know is that your girl is the same as when you left her. Waiting.”
I stopped walking. “Are you asking me if I’ll wait for you? You know I will.”
“I’m asking you to marry me before I go.”
This time it was real. It wasn’t a dream for a hazy future. I wasn’t a schoolgirl, and the future was as real as the steel and stone surrounding us. I was conscious of how big the moment was, how easy it would be to say the wrong thing. Because squealing “Yes
!” and jumping into his arms wasn’t something I could do. Everything between us had taken that option away.
“Or else I’ll just go,” he said. “Because it’s going to be worse for me, not knowing.”
“Is this a proposal or a threat?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light. This wasn’t the way I imagined Billy’s proposal would go.
“No, no, not a threat. It’s just that if I’m not sure of you, it will drive me crazy. I’ll be waiting for letters, I’ll be reading between every line….” He shook his head. “Maybe other guys can go off to war like that. I can’t. I want my future to start before I leave.”
The funny thing was, Nate had been right. Billy did need a dream.
He took my hands. “I know I’m not saying this right. I should have a big fat diamond ring to put on your finger. But we can do it right. We can go down to Maryland— you don’t need to wait for the license, and you can get married at seventeen. We can have a honeymoon.”
“Billy, I don’t know…”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I do.” The cold wind roared off the river, making my eyes tear.
“You said yes once before.”
“I did not.”
“Well.” His eyes twinkled. “You wanted to. I just didn’t let you.”
“That is not how I remember that conversation,” I said, smiling. I fell against him, my cheek against his chest.
“You’re shivering,” he said. “It’s so cold. Come on.”
We kept on walking, quickly now, his arm around me. We approached the building and stopped in front of my door. “Come in,” I said. “We can talk inside.”
He leaned back and looked up at the sky as if looking for something to help him. “There is nothing I want to do more than come inside.”
“Then come inside.” I slipped my arms around him.
He shook his head. “I think it’s a really bad idea.” Gently, he reached behind and took my hands. “Look. We have time. Not a lot, but enough. I’m going to go back to Brooklyn, and you’re going to go to bed. And tomorrow, we’ll talk. We’ll talk it all out. We can go over all the reasons getting married is a bad idea, if you want. We’ll walk and we’ll talk and we’ll figure it out together. But if I come inside tonight… we won’t talk, I guarantee you.”
“Are you sure? It’s an awfully long way to Brooklyn.” Now that he said he was going, I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want to say good-bye one more time than I had to.
“I’m sure.” He brushed his lips against my cheek. “Sure enough for both of us. Look, it’s four in the morning. Get some sleep. I’ll call you around eleven.”
Reluctantly, I left him and went inside. I closed the door and leaned against it. My mind whirled, and I could still feel the touch of his hands.
Married at seventeen? I had never wanted that. I’d seen too many girls go off in their white gowns and bouquets, some of them glowing, some of them miserable and pregnant. I’d seen them at twenty-two with two or three kids hanging on their skirts. I’d seen them disillusioned at thirty, not in love, not even satisfied, just trapped.
No, I had never wanted that.
But there was another way, wasn’t there? To marry your true love, and start your life? How easy it would make it to turn down dates if I had a gold ring on my finger. I could concentrate on dancing, on acting, and know I had Billy in a safe, protected place in my heart.
I walked slowly into the apartment, turning on the lights one by one, until the whole place blazed. This place could be mine, then. Really mine. I would be Mrs. Kathleen Benedict, living in the family apartment. I would have a right to be here. And here, I would sit at my own table and write letters to Billy. Another wife of a soldier sitting at the kitchen table. Come home, darling. I’m waiting for you. But the difference would be this: Our story would have a happy ending. He would come home.
Nineteen
Providence, Rhode Island
September 1950
After Billy threw my belongings onto the Mid-Cape Highway, I swore we were through, and it didn’t seem like he’d put up much of an argument. Still, he lived in my head. We had terrific conversations in which I explained how his jealousy had driven us apart. Jamie slipped out of the house with a guilty expression on weekends, and I knew he was going to see Billy. They had spent a lot of time together over the summer, and just because Billy and I weren’t speaking didn’t mean that they had to stop.
I caught Jamie alone after school one day. “So how is he?” I asked.
“He’s okay.”
“You know, I didn’t want to hurt him. It’s just he gets so jealous for no reason.”
Jamie crossed past me to get to the kitchen. “You don’t know what to do for him.”
“What do you mean? What should I be doing?” Insulted, I trailed after him. Jamie and I had our squabbles, but this felt like a real criticism, and it stung. Jamie knew me better than anyone, even Billy. “Let him think he owns me?”
“He’s not like that.” He took the milk bottle out of the fridge and put it down. “You don’t know how hard he’s trying. Would you just think about it for a minute? His mother should be in the bughouse, but everyone pretends she’s okay. And his father… you know about the Kefauver Committee hearings, right?”
“Sure I do.” I didn’t read the paper much, but you couldn’t walk down the street without knowing about the mob hearings — there were headlines every day in the paper, and everybody was talking about it. Senator Kefauver was going after organized crime, and he had scheduled hearings all over the country. Kansas City, Chicago — they put the hearings on television, and even though hardly anyone had a set, people piled into bars to watch it. Everybody knew they’d be coming to New York and Kefauver would be going after the big mobsters like Joe Adonis and Frank Costello.
Jamie sighed when he saw I didn’t get it. “They’re saying the hearings might come to Boston, and if they come to Boston, that means Providence, and Nate could get a subpoena. Nobody’s saying anything, but who knows how things will shake out?”
Da’s words came back to me, about how Nate was in it up to his neck.
“So maybe it’s better that you broke up with him,” Jamie said. “He’s got a lot on his mind.”
“Whose side are you on?” I asked my brother. “He threw my whole wardrobe to the seagulls!”
“I’m on the side of true love,” Jamie said. He smiled, but his eyes looked sad. “However it falls.”
I’d been back to school for only a week when I found Billy waiting at the tree where we used to meet. He swung into step beside me and we didn’t say a word. Silently, he handed me a pear.
If he thought a reference to our first real meeting would undo me, he had another thing coming. I took a bite, and it was sour. I threw the rest to the squirrels.
We walked without talking. Finally, as we passed Prospect Terrace, he gently took my elbow and steered me to the railing. We were high above the city, and we could see the river glinting below and the dome of the statehouse. On the other side of the railing, Roger Williams looked out at the city, tilting back and raising one stone hand in a regal hello. We’d learned it all in school, how he’d founded Rhode Island on the principle of religious liberty. Everybody should have their own God and get along, said Roger. It was a nice story, but I was still waiting to see how it was all going to work out. Billy and I shared the same religion, but that didn’t mean our worlds were the same. Fox Point was a long way from Federal Hill.
Billy reached out his hand, and after a moment I put mine in his. To refuse him was more than I could do. We laced our fingers together.
“I sat down with my father last night,” he told me. “He says he’s going into wills and trusts. It’s going to take awhile, but he promised that by the time I graduate from law school, he’ll get rid of the clients he has and he’ll have new ones before we hang out the Benedict and Benedict sign. This time, I actually believe him.”
“That’s good.”
/> “I told him no.”
I turned, startled, to look into his face.
“I told him no, once and for all no. I’m going to New York after I graduate and I’m going to become a photographer.”
“What did he say?”
“He offered me a deal.” Billy’s mouth twisted. “He’s so good at deals. He said, ‘Go to law school first, and after you graduate, I’ll stake you for a year. If you can’t make it you have to come home. But I won’t help you otherwise.’ And I said, ‘No, I don’t need your help.’ It was not a pleasant conversation. I don’t know, it’s like he’s got to do his life over, like he’s making penance or something. If I say no, it’s like I’m damning him to hell.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I assured him, the look on his face breaking my heart. I knew what it was like to struggle against your own father, but Da was nothing compared to Nate. “Besides,” I said, “there’s always purgatory.”
He let out a reluctant laugh, then took me in his arms. “This is why I need you,” he murmured. “I need you to make me laugh.”
We kissed, and I rested my head against his chest. The next words were muffled, but I heard them.
“I also told him that I’m going to marry you.”
I pulled back to look at him. “Don’t you think you should ask me first?”
“I know better than that. You’d just say no.”
“This is one heck of a proposal,” I said. “You don’t even ask the girl, and then you answer for her.”
He grinned. “In less than a year, you’ll be eighteen and I’ll have graduated. We could get married in June and move to New York. We’ve got all year to save up. I’ll get a job —”
“Billy —”
“No, listen. The whole world could explode tomorrow. Did you read Life magazine? It’s not a question of if the Russians will drop the Bomb. It’s when. So what are we waiting for? We’ve got to get going on our lives.”
“So we should elope because the Russians are going to blow us up anyway?”
“We could get an apartment, someplace close enough so that you can walk to the theater and your dance classes —”
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