Even though I wanted to call Kris and tell him about the baby with everything in me, I had immediately decided that I was never going to tell him. The whole point of me breaking things off with him was for him to get out of this town, life an amazing life, and never look back. If he knew that I was pregnant, he’d drop everything and come back here and want to be with me again and I couldn’t let that happen. He and the guys had worked so hard for where they were and where they were going and this would ruin all of that.
February came quickly and I was barely starting to show. I knew I had to get my own apartment soon because as soon as Crystal found out I was pregnant I was out anyway, so I needed to have a safe place to bring my baby home from the hospital when it was born. I’d picked up any extra hours that Tiffany was willing to give me and most nights I came home from work so tired and sick that I looked and felt like a zombie.
On Valentine’s Day, I’d begged to work a double so I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts. The last thing I needed to be reminded of on the most romantic day of the year was how I was five months pregnant and all alone. I’d worked open to close that day and by the time my shift was over, my entire body was one big ache. With all the extra hours I was working and my near constant nausea from the pregnancy I felt like walking death. Knowing I was going to have to drudge my way to the apartment after waiting in the cold for the bus and walking most of the way after that made me want to find the closest hole and crawl into it.
It had been almost four months since I broke things off with Kris and every day since then has been worse than the day before. I was aching without him from deep inside places I didn’t know even existed. He’d claimed me from the moment we met and without him I felt so empty and lost. I had to remind myself daily that cutting the ties that were binding him here was the right thing to do, no matter how lost and alone I was.
I wondered what he was doing at that moment. Was he happy? Was he sad? Was he thinking of me or had he already moved on? I desperately wanted to reach out to him but I was afraid of the answers to those questions, and that I was going to have to answer a few of my own if he saw the rapidly growing bump sticking out between my hips.
I knew it was wrong to keep the pregnancy a secret from him, but I also knew he deserved better than being stuck in a slum in Cincinnati tied down to a kid he never planned for and a baby mama he was stuck with. I couldn’t let him lose what he’d worked for, what he dreamed of. I knew if he ever found out that he would hate me for sure, but as long as it kept him out of this hell hole and in the sun where he belonged, I was okay with being the bad guy. I loved him enough to let him hate me.
After what seemed like the longest bus ride ever, I finally had made it back to the apartment complex. As I was walking toward the parking lot, I groaned and choked back my rampant nausea when I saw Crystal’s beat up Pinto in the usual spot. I was really hoping that she would be gone today but I guess luck wasn’t on my side. I chuckled bitterly to myself and thought, when was luck ever on my side?
I slowly climbed the stairs to our front door and made sure to cover my baby bump as I hesitantly walked inside. Crystal was sitting on the sofa with a cigarette in her hand and some cheesy soap opera on in the background.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “What the hell are you doing home so goddamned early?” she spat out, flicking the ashes in the closest tray.
“I’m not early, I’m later than usual. I worked a double,” I answered meekly.
She rolled her eyes and took a long drag off her cigarette and blew the putrid smoke out through her dry, cracked lips.
“So, where’s your little drummer boy?” Crystal asked, her eyes cold and focused on me.
A shiver of fear shot down my spine. In all my life, the only time Crystal’s eyes were ever clear was when she was dangerously sober or high on something hardcore. All of those times I’d received some pretty bad beatings.
“I told you he’s gone,” I said quietly. “He’s been gone for a while. His band got signed.”
She scoffed and let out a shrill laugh as she put out her cigarette in the tray.
“So, your big bad protector isn’t here to save your pathetic ass anymore, huh? Better get used to being alone, girl, because now that he’s off being some rock star and probably has his dick in any pussy shoved at him, he’s going to forget all about your trashy ass.”
I usually never let things she said really get to me, but Crystal had just voiced every fear I had since Kris left home. I was pregnant with his child and he was out living the life he’d always dreamed of. Even though he didn’t know about the baby, it still hurt to think that he might be with some girl right now because I’d purposely pushed him away. I felt angry tears starting to burn my eyes.
“I won’t be alone,” I snapped back, knowing that no matter what happened I’d still have the baby to care for.
She snickered and said, “You really think he’s going to come back to this shit hole and sweep you away? Wake up, Jessica! You were born trash, and you’re always going to be trash! You will never mean shit to anyone and you’d better realize it now!”
I wiped my tears away angrily as I ran to my bedroom and slammed the door shut, making sure to lock it behind me. I couldn’t take this; I was pregnant with a child that I already loved yet had no idea how I would provide for. Kris was gone, off living the life he so deserved, and Crystal’s verbal abuse had gone into full blown overdrive. I truly was all alone, but I still needed to get away from everything that was making me ache with despair. My baby deserved better than this…I deserved better than this. After hearing Crystal call me things no mother should every say to her child, I knew I couldn’t stay in this hell hole one more second.
I’d had enough. I was going to get out and start my life safely away from the viscous, cruel woman I’d lived with all these years. My child would never know the horrors of growing up in a home with someone that didn’t care whether they lived or died. Whether or not Kris was in the baby’s life or not, he or she would never know anything but love from me.
I knelt onto the floor and wiped away more tears as I lifted the corner of my mattress and roamed my hand under it to find my hidden stash of money. As I reached further under it and couldn’t find it, a wave of panic swept over me. I remember where I kept the money…it was always in the same place and it was never moved. Nervousness over took me and I stood up, flipping the mattress over to find the thing I feared to be true; my money was gone.
“Oh no,” I whimpered, fresh tears rolling down my cheeks. Just as I was fighting a wave of nausea, I heard pounding at my door.
“Next time you want to hide your money stash from me, make sure you find a better hiding spot,” Crystal shouted, cackling like a hyena. “How fucking stupid can you be? Everyone knows not to hide money in a mattress.”
I started sobbing and fought hard to keep from puking. All that money I’d saved to get away from her was all gone. Everything I’d worked for was over in the blink of an eye. I was falling deeper into darkness and Kris, my one bright light, wasn’t here to break my fall.
The pounding on the door got louder and I sank back down to the floor and curled into a ball. I was crying so hard that I didn’t even realize the door had been busted open until I could smell the cheap liquor and stale cigarette smell that was Crystal’s signature fragrance. She was standing over me, laughing maniacally.
“Get up, you stupid little bitch,” she screamed right before I felt a sharp blow to my lower back. I screamed out in pain…she’d kicked me hard and I straightened out, grabbing my back.
“Let me guess. You were saving all your money from that pathetic fast food job to try and get away from me, is that it? Well, I could have saved you all the time in the world because if you wanted away from me so bad, all you had to was walk out the fucking door, you dumb whore!”
I felt another hard kick and this time it was to my stomach. Panic set in as I pulled myself out of my own depressing pain and remembered I had something
much more precious to protect…oh no! I tried to curl myself into the fetal position to protect the baby but before I could she kicked me again.
“No!” I screamed out. “Stop it!”
“You’ve been a drain on me for the last eighteen years but now that I know you want to be gone, you’re getting your wish! You get the fuck out of my house and don’t even think about coming back!” Crystal yelled, repeatedly kicking any part of me she could. I tried my hardest to protect my stomach from any more blunt force hits, but she was too fast and too strong. The last thing I remembered before completely blacking out from pain was hearing her evil laugh and seeing her ugly, cruel eyes staring me down through my tears.
I already knew I was in a hospital before I even opened my eyes. I could hear a faint beeping sound, I could smell the hospital-grade disinfectant, and when I moved my fingers I could feel the familiar burn in my arm that let me know I had an IV in place.
I hurt everywhere; it was almost impossible to move. I slowly opened my eyes and moaned in pain as I tried to reach down and feel my stomach. I remembered Crystal kicking me and I panicked as I realized the baby was in danger.
The beeping got louder and faster and I heard someone say, “Oh lord, Jessie! You’re awake!”
I opened my eyes and saw Rose Matthews sitting at my bedside and Alan was standing behind her. She immediately took my hand in hers and I could tell by looking at her that she’d been crying.
“Rose…” I croaked out. My throat was sore and I had a splitting headache.
“I just pushed the call button so the nurse will be in any second. Try not to move,” she said softly and gently stroking the back of my hand. “It’s going to be okay.”
“The baby?” I asked, terrified. Her tone was making me scared; she sounded so sad and like she was choking back tears.
“Shh, just wait until the doctor gets here,” she said, and I saw a tear fall down her cheek.
Before I could ask her anything else, an older dark-skinned lady in scrubs came into the room.
“Miss Monroe, I’m Rita, and I’m going to be taking care of you. How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” I answered honestly. “Will someone tell me what’s going on? Where’s the doctor? Why won’t anyone tell me anything?”
“The doctor that has been taking care of you will be here shortly, just try to relax sweetheart,” Rita said.
“Where’s Crystal?” I asked.
“Crystal?” Rita asked Rose.
“Her mother,” Alan replied, his eyes clouding with anger. “Jess, she’s in jail. She should be rotting in hell after what she did to you.”
“Jail?” I asked.
Rose nodded. “Apparently some neighbors heard the attack happening and called the cops. When they showed up they found all kinds of drugs in the apartment and hauled her in on numerous charges, your assault included.”
I couldn’t take the wait any longer. I had to know if the baby was okay and I was getting more scared by the second because no one was looking me in the eye and no one had mentioned anything.
“The baby? Please tell me the baby’s okay,” I begged desperately.
Rita patted my head and tried to shush me. “Jessica-”
“Don’t call me Jessica. Crystal calls me Jessica,” I spat angrily. “I want to know if my baby is okay! Why won’t you tell me?”
I watched Alan exchange a glance with Rita and the nurse nodded sadly at her. Rose squeezed my hand harder and I knew what was about to happen was going to hurt.
“Jessie, I have something to tell you and you need to be calm, okay?” she said, her voice breaking.
I knew. She didn’t have to tell me…I already knew that because of Crystal’s attack, my baby was dead. Tears began pouring from my eyes and I fell into despair as she continued.
“You…you lost the baby,” she choked out, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I’m so, so sorry, sweetie.”
“NOOOOOO!”
I screamed in agony and collapsed back onto the pillow as I felt pain like I’d never felt before. Wasn’t it bad enough to hear from your own mother every day that she wishes she never had you and that you were nothing but trash? Why did that same horrible excuse of a human being have to be the one to take away the most precious thing I’d ever had?
Rose stood up and wrapped her warm, friendly arms around me and held me as I sobbed and mourned the loss of the precious life I’d never be a part of.
I’d never hold him or her in my arms. Never hear their laughter or be called Mommy. Never be there for their first day of school. As tears poured from my eyes as I grieved over what would never be, I felt a sting in my arm and I’d barely blinked my eyes more than twice before I drifted into a restless sleep.
“When the hell is she going to wake up?” I heard a familiar voice say from somewhere far away.
“Dad said that the nurse had to give her a sedative when they told her. She said it could still be a while before she’s awake.”
“This is so fucked up. I wish I could get my hands around that fucking bitch’s throat.”
I could barely make out the hushed voices around me and my heart started pounding…Ryder, Beau, and Jude. They were in my hospital room. How the hell did they know what happened to me? If they were here then that meant…
“You’d have to get through me first,” a voice thick with heartbreak and devastation replied. “I swear to God if that fucking cunt makes bail she won’t be alive long enough to set one foot on the street before I rip her apart.”
Kris. He was here. My chest started to ache and tears started to burn my eyes.
“Why did this happen?” I heard him whisper. “How can someone do this to another person, let alone your own flesh and blood?” His voice was breaking and he sounded like he was trying not to cry.
I slowly opened my eyes and when I did, they landed right on Kris. Hot tears fell down my cheeks as I gazed upon the man I loved more with every breath I took and my heart shattered all over again.
He was slouched down on the chair next to me and looked utterly devastated. He had one hand gripping one of the arms of the chair and the other was shielding his eyes, most likely to hide his tears. His jaw had some rough stubble which suggested he’d not shaved in days.
No one had noticed I’d opened my eyes yet so I watched my friends for a few precious moments. Jude was pacing the room with his hands behind his head, and I noticed for the first time since he’d started wearing a Mohawk, his hair wasn’t gelled in all of the usual spikes and he had about a weeks’ worth of stubble on the sides of his head.
Beau was peering out the window through the blinds, his overlong jaw-length hair hanging in his face. He looked just as unkempt and disheveled as the rest of them.
Ryder was standing next to the chair Kris was sunken into to and had his hand placed comfortingly on his shoulder. I was about to say something but before I could, Ryder spoke.
“Crystal is a sadistic bitch and has tortured Jessie for years.”
“Never this bad though,” Jude interrupted.
“I love her,” Kris choked out. “I fucking love her so much and if this breaks her, I don’t think I can take it.”
“She’s going to be fine, bro, I promise,” Beau said, leaving the window and flanking his other side. “Jessie is the toughest girl I know. She’ll get through this.”
“She shouldn’t have to get through this because it never should have happened,” he spat angrily. Then I heard him sigh from somewhere soul deep.
“I shouldn’t have left her. I knew she pushed me away because she thought it was best but I shouldn’t have listened. I should have thrown her over my shoulder and dragged her ass out of that shit hole apartment. I should have taken her away from this,” he whispered, and he let out a muffled, tortured cry.
I was already in my own kind of pain, but seeing how broken and devastated he was made me hurt even worse. I needed him to know I was okay, even if nothing had changed. He still needed to be free of me
because all I would ever do is hold him back and tie him down. He didn’t need me to keep him from breaking free of this place and everything bad attached to it.
I cleared my throat and hoarsely croaked out, “Kris.”
All eyes shot to me and I barely had time to blink before four tattooed rockers were hovering over my bed. Kris flew out of his chair and took my hand into both of his large ones. When we made eye contact, I felt like what was left of my heart had been completely ripped out and stomped on.
His eyes were red-rimmed and watery and looked full of any kind of horrible painful thing anyone could possibly feel. Seeing him hurting made the knife in my gut twist deeper.
“Jess, baby, I’m so, so, sorry,” he cried, fresh tears spilling down his scruffy cheeks. “So sorry.”
I didn’t know what to say to make any of this better for either one of us, so I just motioned him toward me and he willingly came closer to my side and buried his head in the crook of my neck. I combed my fingers through his scraggly hair and tried to soothe his ache as held onto to me tightly and we cried a million tears together.
“I didn’t know,” he whispered roughly. “I swear to God I didn’t know.”
“Know what?” There was no way he could have known Crystal was going to attack me.
“That you were…pregnant,” he choked out.
I felt butterflies flying rampantly in my stomach and I struggled to find the right words to say. Alan and Rose must have told him that I was pregnant while I was sleeping. Guilt washed through me as it really truly hit me then that I wasn’t the only one that had lost a child…Kris had too, even though he didn’t know until it was too late.
I cried harder, feeling even worse for keeping quiet about all this. He moved from his position and wrapped his arms around me and held me close. Now he was the one massaging my hair and trying to soothe me.
[Bad Blooded Rebel Series 06] - Deeper Page 12