He swept in, dropped the items on her table and wrapped her in a big hug. She tried to hold herself stiff, but damn, he smelled so good. He waited for a moment, his nose buried in her neck, as though he was breathing for the first time. He looked tanner, bigger somehow.
“Lucy, so good to see you. Did you get my messages? Never mind, you were probably busy, right?” She nodded dumbly, emotions overwhelming her. She wanted to just ignore it, to forgive him. Just let it go, and let her dreams fall into place. She wanted to throw her stupid list out the window and accept that he was the man of her dreams. He was perfect, and she could just overlook this one little lie. Teensy-weensy, in fact.
“Here, I saw this in Portland and I thought of you.” He pressed the large flat package into her hands, watching her with excitement. She sightlessly ripped off the thick brown craft paper and dropped the bow to the floor in a pile. Turning it over, she found a framed vintage poster from the ’70s of a Rolling Stones concert. Mick looking sexy and sweaty, his chest puffed out in a classic Jagger pose. Keith stood with a huge grin on his face, leaning into a guitar riff.
“Wow. It’s perfect.”
Asshole, it was perfect. And she was not perfect. And she couldn’t let that part of herself disappear into the glossy fairy tale.
He grinned, his teeth gleaming, perfect and pearly white, and set it down next to the wall in her kitchen, giving her another big hug before bustling into the kitchen, pulling out plates and wineglasses for them.
“I’m shattered,” she whispered as she stood awkwardly, watching him bustle around so comfortably in her kitchen. Like he was at home. But it was a lie. She took a deep breath, not willing to wait another moment.
“So, what should I call you now? Andy. Or should I call you Drew? Professor Sullivan?”
He slowed his movements.
“I’m a little confused. Maybe you could clarify for me? See, I don’t have a college degree yet. Maybe you could walk me through it.”
He stood silently, staring at the napkins in his hand.
“I mean, it’s not a hard question, is it? What. Is. Your. Name? Certainly not something you would need to lie about.” She laughed, the hysterical edge rubbing her soul raw. “Oh, wait...”
He set down the napkins, still silent. To his credit, he didn’t try to smooth over the lies. He didn’t try to stutter out excuses or breeze past her emotions. He didn’t call her a silly girl, or tell her how perfect life can be now.
“And tell me, Dr. Drew, what do you do for a living?”
His shoulders hunched a little. “I take it you saw the show.”
“Yes. You sleuthed that out, huh?”
He looked at her, a sad, pleading look in his eyes. “Please, Lucy, just let me explain?”
“Oh yeah, I really want to hear this.” Her sarcasm left a bitter burn in her throat. She thought her heart had broken enough already, but seeing him in her kitchen, his entire presence mocking her heart, she snapped.
He opened his mouth.
“No, you know what, you son of a bitch?” She quivered with rage, seeing red as he snapped his mouth shut and stepped closer. “You know what? I don’t care. There was no reason that you had to lie to me. None.”
“I didn’t want to lie. If it helps.”
“It doesn’t help. I can’t believe what an idiot I was, to fall for you so hard. I knew you were bad news. I knew it. You and your sexy smile and your tan lines, and your fancy watches, and your goddamn white teeth and your laugh. Jesus, how I fell for you.”
He gripped her arms and she twisted away. “You think it was one sided? I’m so in love with you, I can barely focus.”
“What, while blonde bimbos toss their boobs in your face? And ex-girlfriends interview you on TV?”
He shook his head helplessly. “That’s not what happened. I mean, it is, but I’ve changed. You’ve changed me.”
“But yet, you couldn’t tell me? You couldn’t trust me enough to let it slip that, oh, hey, you’re a famous professor in Portland, and you have a really good job and probably are laughing at me about the community college thing.”
“No, never. I didn’t laugh. I don’t, I won’t laugh—”
She put her hand to her cheek, staring at him wide-eyed, tears burning. “I bet you did, didn’t you? I bet you and your stupid friends all got a good laugh out of that.” She puffed her chest out, deepened her voice. “‘Check out this idiot, she tried to push community college on me, can you believe it, Dr. McBrilliant and Professor Plum?’” She kicked at the Rolling Stones poster, a gratifying crack of the glass sliced through the room. A fracture slid from top to bottom, splitting Jagger and the rest of the band.
“No, no I would never laugh at you, Lucy. Listen to me. I love you.” His voice broke.
She sobbed out a breath. “Is that supposed to fix things? Three little words and poof, it’s all better?”
“No, it’s not supposed to fix anything. I wanted to tell you. Right away. And then again, later. And every minute we were together. I wanted to tell you I could be everything for you.”
“Do you think I need someone to be everything for me? I need to be fixed?”
* * *
“No! I mean, I know you want certain things in the men you are with. And I can be everything. We can do it together, we can be so happy. Don’t you see, Lucy?” His voice broke again and he felt his eyes burning as tears streamed down her face. Her nose turned pink, her cheeks got blotchy. It wasn’t the cute pouty cry he was used to with manipulative females, she was breaking in front of him. Her heart was breaking.
Because of him. His own heart wrenched in his chest. He had made this mess, he had broken the most important thing in the world to him, and he had done it knowingly, willfully.
“Was this all during the time you were writing articles on how to get chicks to bang you? Because I saw the gossip pages, I don’t think you have any trouble with that, Professor Hotpants.” His nickname was spread through the school gossip news.
He pressed his hands to his face, brushing back his hair, frustrated. “That was all in the past.”
“Sure, except the presentation you have coming up, on that particular topic. And, oh yeah, the three articles in Wired magazine. In the past.” She snorted. “God, you just can’t stop the lies, can you? Just go. I can’t even see you without getting madder at myself. Just go.”
It would be so easy to go, to just walk away. But he couldn’t. Not with her eyes clouded with sadness. Not without trying harder. The woman he loved was in pain, and he had to try to fix it.
“I can’t go. Not without telling you my side.”
“Okay then, mighty Doctor Sullivan, please, enlighten me.” She took a deep, shuddering breath and blew her nose indelicately on a tissue, glaring at him as though she hated him more than anything right then.
“I had to lie to Becca. And then to you. And then, because Dell played, and your friends played, I couldn’t risk my name being connected with the research. And if the press found out, there’s no way I could do the research. I didn’t know how much of Becca’s story was true, maybe she did have some friends who gamed. And I wanted to tell you, I swear, I did. But then I met some of your soccer teammates, they couldn’t know. Todd, my agent, told me I couldn’t, not until now. I love you, please, you have to believe that, at the very least.”
“The article. The presentation. It all comes back to putting your fame and your future ahead of anyone else. Doesn’t it? Love doesn’t mean jack shit to you, because if it did, you would have put it, put me before your fame. At the very least.” She took a huge, quivery breath, her eyes blazing. “At the very least, you would have told me. You would have been honest. I deserve that. I’m worth that. At the very least.” She hung her head, tears leaking out of her eyes again.
He put the pieces together. Slowly, his brain pulled back up their conversation about her ex-boyfriend. The one on Island Survivor, who cashed in on his relationship with Lucy to win the game. Her mom, with her fi
rst love from high school.
“I’m not strong enough. You’re just making it worse, you jackass. I can’t forgive this. I can’t forgive you. I have worked so hard to pull myself up and I refuse to let you, or anyone else, push me down again.” She slumped against the counter. “I can’t listen to you and not wonder if you’re lying again. And I keep hearing that hostess, making fun of me.”
“Not you directly.” He moved up behind her, touching her back. She shrugged off his touch.
“No, but everyone will think it.” She sagged. “I’ll think it. Please, just go. Just go away. Go be with your fancy friends and your fake-boob girls and your money.”
“I don’t want any of that, I just want you.”
“Yeah, well, you should have thought of that weeks ago. Take your pizza.” She picked it up and just about flung it at him. “Leave the wine.”
He backed up, pushed out the door, feeling helpless in the face of her heartbreak and not knowing how to fix it.
“Lucy, if I could go back and do it again, I would. I’d do it right.” He dropped his head against the door, knowing she could hear him. “I asked you to trust me, just a little bit,” he whispered. Knowing he didn’t deserve her trust or her forgiveness.
He had lied. And he had pursued a vapid lifestyle full of cheap fucks and easy decisions. He slid down the wall, not wanting to leave his sentry outside her door.
Becca peeked her head out the door down the hall. He stared at her with unseeing eyes.
She stepped out with her arms crossed. Heartbreak clouded his vision, and he knew he deserved any harsh words she threw at him.
“I’m sorry, Becca. I’m so sorry.”
She sighed. “Is that pizza?”
He nodded.
“Come on. Let me educate you, Dr. Drew Sullivan.” She held her hand out to help him up, and he followed her obediently into her apartment.
* * *
Drew sat quietly in the delicate, wrought-iron kitchen chairs in Becca’s apartment, listening as she filled him in on Lucy’s heartbreak.
“I shouldn’t even bother. I mean, it’s not like it will matter, she’ll never forgive you.” Becca slipped a slice of pizza onto a plate and poured herself a soda.
“You don’t think she’ll cool down and I’ll have a chance to explain?”
“Explain what? You, my friend, are guilty. You lied your fool head off. For fame. And that, out of all the rules, is the one she won’t ever forgive.”
“Tell me,” he whispered, needing to know. “Is it about Kevin?”
Becca gave him a strange look as she ate. “Did you meet him? Sort of.”
How she could forgive the job, the apartment, pretty much anything. But lying to her was the one thing she wouldn’t let drop.
Becca filled him in on stepdad Kevin. Her mom’s death, the disaster Lucy had become in Nevada and how Becca and Aunt Ruby had pulled her back to Milwaukee. She confirmed exactly what he had suspected about the lying boyfriend.
* * *
A week later he was gone. She had thrown herself with blind determination into her exams and was finally on her way down to the coffee shop to enjoy a book.
Sitting alone in her apartment, with just her thoughts and memories, irritated her too much. Just as she was heading out, the apartment super called. They had to come into her apartment and do some quick maintenance on some pipes—was she okay with him letting them in? She agreed, curious because she hadn’t had any trouble, and headed out in the elevator anyway.
The door swooshed open on the next floor down and she glanced up. Susan hobbled carefully to the elevator and Lucy held it for her. Workers were in her apartment too.
“Hi Susan. How are you feeling?”
“Oh so much better. I can’t believe how long this recovery is taken, but I’m able to do just about everything on my own now. Drew went back to Portland a few days ago.”
Lucy nodded and caught the sideways look Susan gave her. “I’m really glad you’re up on your feet again.”
“Yep. Modern medicine is such a marvel, don’t you think?” She sighed, leaning against the back wall. “I’m just lucky Drew could come and stay with me, otherwise I would have had a much harder go of it.”
Lucy nodded again.
“And the dear sweet boy, he bought me a washer and dryer so I don’t have to go down to the laundry room anymore.”
“Wow, that will be really convenient.” How much did Drew tell his mother? Obviously Lucy wouldn’t be the one to gossip about her son to her face. “I’m saving up for one right now. Just have to pay for school first, you know?”
“Of course. School is so important. I remember when Drew first told me his major, I just about laughed at him. But I supported him one hundred percent. He’s worked so hard to get where he is.”
Lucy’s ears buzzed, but she smiled politely.
“Do you know, when he first started he was in school full-time, plus working two part-time jobs? The kid slept about four hours a night, just to stay on top.”
Lucy laughed at Drew being called the kid. “Yeah, it’s hard to work and go to school at the same time. I should be done in a few weeks, if I can get one professor to sign off on an internship. He’s being a stickler about the requirements, even though I work full-time. I can’t get him to budge.”
“Oh, that’s a shame. Maybe if you talked to him, face-to-face? Sometimes that helps, when someone’s being stubborn.”
Lucy shook her head and the doors swooshed open. She matched her slow steps to Susan’s. “I tried that. Three times. He won’t even meet with me. But hopefully I can wear him down. Otherwise I need another semester.”
They paused at the mailboxes and Susan pulled out her key. “Good luck, Lucy. Good to see you again.”
Lucy waved and hurried out the door, ready to shrug off reality for just a few hours and indulge in her book, some coffee and a comfy chair at the coffee shop.
When she returned, the workmen were finishing up installing her own washer and dryer.
“What the hell is this? I didn’t buy this, it must be a mistake.” She stared at the gleaming machines. So many bells and whistles, they probably folded and put everything away too.
“Here’s the work order, ma’am.”
She looked it over. Signed and paid for by Drew. Of course.
That A-hole. Thinking he could bribe his way back into her good graces? “No. I can’t have this here, get rid of it. There was a mistake, this isn’t mine.”
The workmen all stared at her uncertainly, like she was insane. Why would anyone get rid of a brand-new washer dryer combo?
The elevator swooshed open and Becca came in from a long shift, her scrubs rumpled and her hair twisted up into a messy, adorable knot on the top of her head. She must have been crying. Her face was pink and puffy and the tip of her nose rosy. The workmen sucked in their guts as one and stood up straight.
“Hi, Lucy. What did you buy?” She sniffled and gave a wobbly smile.
“I didn’t buy it. Dr. Asshole bought his mom one and got me one too,” she gritted out.
“Great, I have a load of scrubs ready to go, I’ll be right over and we can watch last night’s shows, okay?” Their tradition to watch the previous night’s TV together, since Lucy had class and Becca worked a long shift.
“I can’t keep it.”
“Oh, honey. Don’t be an idiot. Of course you can keep it.” Becca rushed off, and the workmen let their guts back out before ignoring her feeble protests as they packed up to go.
A moment later, Becca hurried down the hall with a load of scrubs, dressed in sweats, her face scrubbed clean.
She dodged a few workmen, shooing them out. Lucy stood uncertainly, realizing she was losing the battle, but she didn’t have the energy to fight. Not with Becca looking so genuinely upset.
“Rough day at the coal mines?” Lucy gently asked as Becca loaded in the clothes.
“Yeah. I lost one.” She sighed, a soft, genuine heartbreaking sigh. “I’m
glad I don’t have to leave the apartment tonight, I just can’t face real life right now, you know?”
Becca knuckled at her eyes, trying to be subtle. But she had been fighting for that little sick baby for a few weeks now.
Lucy’s own world came sharply into focus. Fighting about a dryer, a gift from someone she had once loved, was petty and stupid. Not when someone was suffering from real heartbreak. Someone noble and true and who had a heart as big as a Buick. If keeping a washer-dryer set would help make Becca’s life a little easier, then she would keep it.
“I’m so sorry, Becca.”
Every time her cousin lost a baby, she took it to heart. And Lucy knew that there was nothing she could do to help. Other than just be with her.
Becca nodded. “Yeah. We’re all having a rough one, aren’t we? How are you doing?”
“Fine. I still can’t get in to talk to that professor. I stake out his office hours, and I swear he knows when I’m around to dodge me.”
“Other than that?”
She meant how was Lucy’s heart. “Fine. Just fine.”
Becca nodded with a sad smile. “You will be soon. Give it some time. Want to have some alfredo tonight for dinner?”
Comfort food. Lucy went into the kitchen and started prepping the ingredients for the dish. She glanced at the Rolling Stones poster from the corner of her eye and realized she was famished for the first time in a week. She hadn’t eaten a proper meal, subsisting on coffee and meal-replacement bars while she tried to ignore her emotions. She picked up the poster and slid it in the space between the washer-dryer unit and the wall of her closet before going back to the kitchen and opening a bottle of white.
* * *
“Hey, Lucy?” They sat on opposite ends of the couch, big bowls of pasta balanced on pillows on their laps, feet up, facing the TV. Becca had been abnormally quiet for most of the prep. They both needed he silence, and she was deep inside her head too.
Undercover Professor Page 15