All Better Beautiful (Payton's Heart)

by C. A. Harms

  I didn't go back to the family room I put on my shoes grabbed my phone off the counter and walked right out the front door. I wasn't sure where I was going I just needed to get out of there and fast. Casey had noticed the slamming doors and came to find out what going on. "What the hell happened Dylan what did you do? Where did she go?" She was yelling at him and he tried to explain, "We just well I uh..." She cut him off by pushing him out of the way and moving past him toward the front door. Dylan ran after her. Rage had built within her, she knew she'd promised but she couldn’t help it. She wasn't going to let him do this to me. Right outside the front door she whirled around startling Dylan with her quick movement placed her finger in his face so close glaring, "You fucking asshole, how dare you play her like that. Do you realize she has been in love with you since she was thirteen? She has spent the last almost seven years of her life being abused. She has felt worthless of being loved always hiding herself from everyone. Living in fear and blaming herself every day for her mom leaving. She convinced herself overtime that the way she was being treated by John was all she deserved." Dylan started to say something but she stop him, "You shut up and listen! I will not stand by and let you play head games with her. You can’t just keep kissing her and then telling her it meant nothing. That is so wrong. If you like her Dylan then do something about but if you don’t then stay the hell away from her and let her move on. You can’t get jealous when another guy shows her attention. Just stop please...her heart can’t take it," not realizing that she had begun to cry she wiped her cheek to clear the tears. She looked passed Dylan to see both Seth and Todd staring at them. "I have to go get Payton!" Seth knowing the history of it all nodded to her and told her to call him later.

  Casey’s drove around the streets of the neighborhood for about twenty minutes when she saw me sitting three streets over on the swings at the neighborhood park. I saw her park the car and slowly walk over. I never looked up just stayed staring at the ground until she said, "I just cussed Dylan out majorly," with tension in her voice. All I could respond with was, "Good he deserves it," and I could feel her relax next to me as she reached out and grabbed my hand. "Let’s go get some ice Cream," she pulled me up and we walked back to the car together.

  We got back home about an hour later and Dylan was sitting on the porch with the phone in his hand, "Casey why haven't you answered your phone?" He looked relieved that we were back. When he looked over at me I turned away looking out into the front yard. "Because I knew it was you", she reached out to pull me with her as she started to go inside. Somewhere along the way I developed a little bit of courage or maybe it was just anger from him playing with my emotions and I pulled back on Casey's hand a little. "Can I have a minute...I need to say something to Dylan?" I think I shocked her and by the look on his face he had the same reaction. "Are you sure," she scrunched her eyebrows a little in confusion and waited. I took my hand from hers and said "Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine." I turned to face the front yard again trying to word it all in my head everything I wanted to say, everything I needed to say. When I heard the door close behind I knew then that we were alone.

  When I turned to face him after taking a few silent moments to calm my nerves the best I could. He stood up and walked the few steps to me, "Payton I..." I stopped him by holding up my hand. He took one step back and just looked into my eyes. It was so hard to hold back the tears that I desperately needed to release. I swallowed the lump that had formed within my throat. "Dylan, please just let me talk because if I don't get this out now I am scared that I may never be able to..." He nodded his head as to tell me okay without actually speaking any words. "I remember when I was thirteen and I stayed with Casey for the first time. You stayed up half the night with us playing card, you tried to teach us to play poker...I remember laughing together so much you were sixteen. The next day we were playing out on the driveway and the neighbor boy Noah Colson pushed me down when we were playing basketball…you were so mad you took me inside after you punched him in the stomach and you cleaned my knee. When you put the bandage on you kiss my knee and said, "All Better Beautiful." I knew you didn’t think I was beautiful, I know that you were just being nice but for a moment I felt like I was because, you told me so. Do you know my entire life I had never heard that from anyway until you said it that day? When I was growing up my dad would say things to me like I was an ugly bitch or I was a whore after punching me or shoving me into something. I would go to my room and I would close my eyes and remember that day. How nice you were to me and how you told me I was beautiful." Tears had begun to run down my cheeks and he reached out as to comfort me but I took a small step back and continued without accepting his gesture of kindness. Looking out again into the front yard unable to look at him, "I think I started loving you at that moment, even though you were older and I knew that there was really no chance that you could ever possibly return those feelings. I still had that moment to hold onto...and that helped me get through some pretty rough times over the last four years or so. Those feelings they never went away Dylan if anything they grew stronger with every wink, every smile, every flirtatious action you threw my way. But I know now that I have to let it go... all of it. Because I need to understand that it can’t go anywhere. It isn't fair to make you feel guilty and to make you feel like because of what others did to hurt me you owe me anything because you don’t. So today, now I'm letting you know that I am letting it go. I'm moving on and excepting that this you and I....there won’t ever be you and I. You don’t owe me anything, don’t apologize, don’t explain just move on", and I turned and went inside. He responded with nothing as I walked away, because as he had stood there looking into her beautiful green eyes letting everything she had said sink in he'd realized that he just made the biggest mistake he could have made. The ache that was now in his chest only confirmed what he had realized already while Casey and her where gone...He loved Payton. He was just scared of what that meant.

  Chapter Nine

  After that night I sort of changed I became a little more outspoken about myself and really anything. I stopped holding things in. It hurt every single time I seen Dylan. I felt that my heart was breaking because letting go of what I felt toward him was proving to be the hardest thing. I threw myself into preparations for the winter dance which was only three days away. Getting all the last minute things and making hair appointments for the trial and then the real thing. Friday at school I pulled Todd off to the side and because I wanted to be fair explained to him that I just wasn't looking for a relationship. I told him my heart wasn't into it and that I would really like to be friends with him. He didn’t seem too shocked to hear that because he said, "Payton I could see exactly where your heart was last weekend at Casey’s and…Dylan well, he's a fool if he lets you walk away." He kissed my cheek and walked away hollering back over his shoulder about picking me up tomorrow at six.

  Casey and I had went to the salon early on Saturday afternoon to have our hair don then had to walk around the remaining part of the day with stiff necks so we wouldn't mess it up. About a little after five pm Karen helped us into our dresses. My dress was floor length, yellow silk with a completely opened back besides two straps that crisscrossed in the center. It was Form fitting and clung to me in all the right places. Casey’s was pretty much the same with the exception of hers being red and much tighter. We both wore Silver Jewelry and Silver heels. We stood looking in the full length mirror, Karen in the middle of us with one around each of our shoulders. She was all teary eyed saying with a smile on her face, "You two are breathtakingly beautiful, and if there is any guy who can't see how special and amazing you two are well then that is his loss and he is a fool," I looked in the mirror and realized she was looking directly at me. She Knew! She winked at me knowing that I realized what she was referring to. The doorbell rang just then making me jump and we all started to scatter.

  Karen let Seth and Todd in and they were waiting in the entryway when Casey and I entered from the hallway. Every
one turned our way including Dylan who was standing on the last step coming from his room. Immediately before anyone spoke and before I think he even realized it Dylan spoke "You look Absolutely Beautiful!" staring directly at me complete silence had sealed everyone. Karen finally spoke up directing the four of us to gather by the fireplace in the foyer so she could take some photos. Dylan snapped back to reality and I think at that point realized he had said what he was thinking aloud. He stayed in the same spot just watching us as Karen snap a few photos. I tried to ignore that his stare was so intense I could feel it without actually seeing it. When the photos were completed and Karen gave us both a hug goodbye she told us to be safe and have fun as we walked out the door toward the limo the guys had sprung for. Karen, Dylan and Carter all stood on the front porch as we loaded into the limo and slowly pulled away. Carter turned and walked into the house first. Leaving Karen and Dylan still watching as they seen the limo turn the corner and then disappear. She placed her hand on his upper back patting lightly, "You know, that could have been you with her." He turned to look at her shocked that she knew. He tried to come up with some excuse as to why he said what he had said. After a second he felt defeated and just said, "Was I that obvious?" Leaning into him and placing a light kiss on his cheek she said, "Oh Yes you were." They exchanged another smile and she went in leaving him on the porch alone.

  We arrived at the dance around 8:30 after we had gone to dinner. Compliments were exchanged and we took a few more photos. Todd asked me to dance and as we walked out onto the dance floor while I'll be by Edwin McCain began to play. "So he's pretty stupid huh?" Todd watched me as I was fading out thinking of Dylan on the stairway right before we’d left and the way he looked when he told me I looked Beautiful. I looked up at Todd, "Who?" I asked him pretending to be lost with the comment. He just smiled looked down at my necklace and then looking back up to meet my eyes, "Dylan has no idea what he's missing does he. He's got to be completely ignorant. Payton anyone can see that you care about him and for him not to fight for that...just makes him seem pretty stupid." I wasn't sure what to say to that so I just laid my head onto Todd’s shoulder and began to concentrate on not crying.

  The rest of the night was really fun. Casey and I danced and the guys sat those songs out...saying something about not being able to keep up with us. The dance ended at eleven and we took a little ride before we went home. Todd helped me out of the Limo and walked me to the door. Todd held my hand as I walked through the grass so I wouldn’t fall. Dylan had been watching from his darkened bedroom window. He watched as Todd and I said our goodbyes and he pulled me into a hug placing a light kiss on my cheek, Don’t let him keep breaking your heart Payton, you deserve someone who sees you for just how great you really are." Squeezing him just a little harder and thanking him for a great night. Casey and I went inside and for a moment I hoped that he would be waiting for me inside and realizing immediately that he wasn't my heart sank a little. We went to change out of our dresses and then drifted off to sleep talking about our night.

  I woke Sunday to the sound of someone screaming. It was nothing I was unfamiliar with but definitely not something I expected at Karen's. She was always so pleasant and easily pleased. I slowly approached the kitchen to find Karen yelling into her phone, "You are not welcomed to call my home, you really have some nerve ..."she turned and seen me standing in the doorway of the kitchen stopping in midsentence and then hanging up the phone. She then took it off the hook. Everyone just stood looking at me and I felt really out of place. "I'm sorry I should go back in the other room this is obviously none of my business", I turned quickly to walk away when I heard Karen tell them to stay there. She followed me into the family room and I stopped before going any further. "Did I do something wrong?" I crossed my arms in front of my body defensively. Karen motioned for me to sit next to her on the couch. After a couple minutes she said," I need to talk to you. That phone call I was just on, it was about you...and I don’t know how to tell you this but." I interrupted her, "Is it John? He can't call or come here the restraining order is supposed to protect me from that." I suddenly felt a sense of panic like I needed to go hide or something. I stood and started toward Casey room when Karen grabbed my elbow lightly from behind. "Payton wasn’t John it was... Maggie." I thought I heard her wrong I turned quickly looking at her and repeating what I thought she had said. "Maggie...You mean my mom?" She just nodded her head and looked me directly in the eyes. "She heard about John being arrested and about you being assaulted. She called to talk to you. I am so sorry that I hung up on here Payton I was just so angry that after all this time she called you and the way that she acted it was like you two have been talking every day and she was just casually calling to ask you about your day." She continued to look at me apologetically waiting for me to respond but I couldn't I didn't know what to say or how to feel. I found myself sitting down right in the very spot I stood. I felt like I did when John punched me in the back that morning I dropped the milk. The air in my lungs felt as if it was immediately sucked out. I couldn't breathe...I wasn’t sure if I should cry or scream. I was just in complete and total shock.

  I finally realized that I was being carried into Casey’s room and being placed onto the bed. Karen had gotten Dylan to pick me up. She put a cover over me and sat down next to me lightly rubbing my arm. I heard them mumble a few words and then he walked out closing the door behind him. "Payton...do you want to talk about it? I understand if you are angry with me I completely understand. I shouldn't have interfered but..." she was explaining. I sat up and turned into her "Karen why would I be mad at you. You have been more of a mother to me than she ever has been. I am angry with her she could have contacted me in so many ways over the years but it took me to be abused and then almost raped for her to call. It took John to be placed under arrest for the years of abuse. She just picked up the phone so easily and called. I appreciate what you did for me. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t need her...I don’t want her..., Thank you." I leaned forward and hugged her still feeling a little numb from the whole thing. We had left the phone off the hook for the rest of the evening. Karen had the night off so her Casey and I decided to bake cookies.

  I was placing the dough onto the pan and I turned with a spoon full of dough to ask Casey if she wanted to lick the bowl. I hadn’t heard anyone behind me and when I turned the spoon hit Dylan in the arm leaving a clump of cookie dough behind. He looked down at his arm like I had just giving him a permanent tattoo or something, "Oh you big baby it’s just dough...wipe it off." Karen looked in our direction at the same time Dylan took the spoon from my hand with the remaining dough scraped his finger along the center of it gathering up a pile of raw dough and then wiped it on the tip of my nose. My mouth dropped open and he followed up my stunned look by saying, "What’s wrong ya big baby it’s just dough..." Casey took the next step and picked up a bowl from the counter digging in and wiping the contents on Dylan and before I knew it all five of us are standing defensively holding spatulas and bowls of dough waiting for the next attack. We had a full blown raw dough fight in the kitchen when we were done we barely had any cookies but we had one really big mess. There was dough hanging from the cabinets and in our hair. It was on our clothes, on the walls and floor. We all laughed so hard it was the best fun.

  Dylan was better toward me over the next few weeks. We talked and were actually able to sit in the same room with one another without feeling uncomfortable. We watched movies together and played video games. In fact Seth and Casey had been spending a lot of time together lately so I was left to hang with the boys most nights and weekends. Maggie hadn't tried to call back anymore after Karen hung up on her which was good. I didn't want to talk to her I had nothing to say. Thanksgiving was approaching and I was looking forward to that. Usually my thanksgivings had consisted of me sitting in my room with a bowl of cereal or popcorn hoping that John passed out soon so I could go to sleep. Having a real dinner with a real family will definitely be a good change
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  Chapter Ten

  It was the Tuesday before thanksgiving break when I went to my locker to put my things away and there was a red rose taped to the front of my locker and also a little note. I pulled them both off looking around to see if I saw anyone watching. I opened the note….