by Stella Rhys
Everyone burst out laughing as Lukas grinned and shook his head. “Don’t listen to him. He’s lying – that house was barely out of his budget and he doesn’t want kids, anyway.”
“Hey. I didn’t when Jess and I first met, asshole. But now I’m married, so it’s different,” Bryce said.
“What, did she threaten divorce if you didn’t want kids?” Emmett snorted.
“Abso-fucking-lutely she did!” Bryce boomed to more laughter. “And I’m pretty much dependent on that woman, so she ain’t going anywhere. Also, I’m soft as fuck now and anything that puts a smile on her face, I’m gonna give it to her.”
“Jesus Christ. You’re making me nauseous,” Julian said across the table.
“Hey, don’t be mad that you can’t get hard for anything but your job. Hell, even Lukas has found someone – when are you gonna settle down?”
I thanked God that the entire table was looking at Julian because I was red from my cheeks to my collarbones over the continued assumption that Lukas and I were in some kind of official relationship. I was so uncomfortable I didn’t even dare look at Lukas anymore. His hand was no longer on my back or anywhere near me, and as potentially irrational as it was, I interpreted that as his need to put a distance between us – just in case I was getting too excited about his friends giving me the girlfriend treatment.
I felt my stomach twist with nerves when Bryce turned back to us. I knew his type – not malicious, just a ball-buster. He was probably a genuine friend, just bad at figuring out when he’d crossed the line.
“So, speaking of kids, Lukie-boy, have you changed your stance yet?” he asked, catching what I assumed was a glare from Julian because suddenly he was defending himself to him. “What’s that face for? It’s an honest question.”
“What, no kids for you?” I murmured to Lukas, daring to peer up at him. His eyes were on the menu but I knew he wasn’t reading anything as he responded.
“No.”
“Damn, you didn’t know?” Bryce cringed. “That’s like, his number one rule.”
“Bryce,” Julian warned.
“What? It’s fine. We all have our rules. Like this guy here,” Bryce nodded at Julian. “His is don’t fuck with my work. Even Emmett has one – don’t make me choose between you or my dog,” Bryce said to more laughter. “And with Lukas, it’s don’t even ask me about having kids. Never gonna happen. That was my rule at one point too, though. But things change once you find out that’s a deal breaker for some people.” Bryce turned to me. “That a deal breaker for you?”
I had never thought about it till this moment – this moment during which a dozen people, most of them strangers, were looking to me with polite curiosity, waiting on the answer that I now realized was a resounding yes. Of course, the right move was probably to lie about that, just to save everyone from a potentially awkward moment. Is it a deal breaker? My first thought is to say yes, but like you said yourself, Bryce, things change. I may feel that way now, but depending on the circumstances and the partner I’m with, how should I know how I might feel down the line?
It was a perfectly diplomatic answer.
At the same time, it was probably presumptuous to lie for the sake of Lukas’s feelings – in all likelihood, he didn’t care if this was a deal breaker for me. Because I wasn’t his girlfriend and this wasn’t a relationship. Just hearing his friend call me his girl made him turn into stone, so why did I need to deny a truth I knew well about myself when it wouldn’t affect him at all?
“I think since the day I understood what a mom was, I wanted to be one,” I finally said to instant nods from several other women at the table. It was my first time saying the words but I knew in my heart there were none truer. I smiled faintly to myself. “I probably missed out on several rites of passage in my childhood and adolescence but a mother figure was never one of them. I was lucky enough to have two and they were both amazing in their own ways. They both made me pray that someday, I could enrich someone’s life the way they did mine, and being even half as good of a role model as they were to me. So yes, I’d say I’ve always understood that I’d eventually have a family of my own. Of all the goals and dreams I’ve ever had, that might actually be the one I want most in the end.”
“Yes,” one of the other girls promptly said, relieving me of what probably would’ve been several seconds of awkward silence. “A hundred percent what she said.” Adamantly, she raised her glass. “A toast to mothers.”
“To mothers!” everyone said in that same, bright unison we were greeted with. It was nice, positive moment that I wished we could keep and move past but of course, Bryce was still in search of his answer.
“Damn, Lukas, you hear that? That’s gotta change your mind, right?”
I had no right to care about whatever answer Lukas gave. I reminded myself of that and still, my heart dropped when he spoke.
“It’s not happening, Bryce. End of story.”
“Still? You of all people should want kids.”
“Bryce, stop talking,” Julian said, shooting an icy look that chilled even my spine. And with that, Bryce went quiet but the damage was done. The table was still, silent and several of the girls were sneaking me looks of genuine sympathy, since to them it looked as if my boyfriend had just dropped a bombshell on me. I smiled back to try to put them at ease.
“To be fair, we’re just… friends. Really,” I said awkwardly, glancing at Lukas in hopes of catching his look of relief. But he was unreadable. “So… if any of you thought that was Lukas being a total monster just now, please give him at least some credit back,” I joked, breathing easy when I got a few laughs.
God, this was hard. Meeting the friends without warning was hard. So was hearing that Lukas was decidedly childfree. I didn’t know that, I didn’t know I’d care but clearly, I did and now I needed to get up and get some air.
I was at the end of the line for the bathroom I didn’t actually need to use when Julian ambled by, finally undoing the top button of his white shirt as he leaned against the bar. He stood two feet from me and I wondered if he’d even seen me but then he spoke to me without looking over.
“I’m ordering a drink. Champagne for you?”
My brow twitched with confusion. “You’re talking to me?”
“No. My imaginary friend. He has a drinking problem.”
I blinked at him, confused for multiple reasons. “Why would you assume champagne?” I asked, though that was really my least pressing question.
“I hear you did champagne with Lukas all weekend. Figured you might want to keep it going.” He glanced at me. “From what I understand, you’re good at keeping streaks alive for years at a time.”
The smart remark drew my feet promptly away from the line and to the bar. “Okay. So, what exactly is your purpose here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t tell if you’re being hostile or if you just carry an unfriendly air with you on a regular basis,” I said bluntly. “So since I can’t read minds yet, care to tell me what’s going on? We both have drinks back at the table. I can only guess that you either have something you want to tell me in private or you’re looking to get really hammered right now.”
“It’s the former. I’m not really one for getting drunk, let alone hammered.”
“Didn’t think so. So go ahead. What is it you’d like to say right now, Julian?” I asked. I normally wasn’t this bold or up front, but I didn’t think twice about it – I’d been unrecognizable to myself as of late, but the changes I saw were nothing I took issue with. Of course, they took Julian by surprise. He was mostly stoic but I caught that brief twitch in his brow.
“I can tell why he likes you.”
“Why is that?”
“Because you’re an odd mix of cute and innocent and sharp as a whip. In case you’re unaware, that’s every man’s Kryptonite,” he said casually, changing the subject before I could process the compliment. “I should let you know that what my brother said b
efore was no mistake. He does that every time Lukas brings a girl around his friends.”
I squinted. “What do you mean?”
“He mislabels every one of the flings as the ‘girl’ or the ‘girlfriend’ because he enjoys making Lukas uncomfortable. Every time Emmett does it, Lukas will correct him in front of everyone like an asshole,” Julian said, turning briefly away to order some drinks. “You’d think he could just let the comment thing slide in front of so many people, but he doesn’t. Because that’s been his rule for as long as I’ve known him and even prior to that. No girlfriends.”
“I thought his rule was no kids,” I said dryly.
“That as well. But that brings me to the fact that that conversation clearly upset you just now.”
“And why exactly are you bringing that up with me?”
“Because I need to ask you a favor.”
I was sure I couldn’t have looked more confused. “What?”
“I need you to wait till the end of the month before you run off on Lukas.” Julian faced me fully now. “Obviously, you like each other. He likes you enough to let Emmett call you his girl in front of all these people. You like him enough to be upset by the fact that he doesn’t want kids. So do me a favor and wait before you undoubtedly end things over some freak-out about your career or your time or the fact that he’s distracting you,” Julian said almost mockingly, pissing me off despite the sheer accuracy of his words. “There’s a day coming up soon that’s going to be a hard time for him. It’s the anniversary of what I hope is the worst thing that’ll ever happen in his lifetime, and it’s why Tess is away right now. It’s why I need you to wait till that day passes. You can ghost him all you want after but till the end of the month, I need you to stick around.”
I stared in disbelief of what he was both telling and asking me. “Are you not going to provide details about what this day is?”
“No.”
“Are you serious?” I asked incredulously. “You can’t possibly make that kind of request without giving me some context.”
Julian took his Scotch in his hand. “I gave more than enough context for a nice girl like you. You’re not going to be able to hear that and walk away without guilt at this point so yes, I can make that request without saying anything further because I just did,” he said, taking a drink from his glass. “Your champagne’s on the bar,” he added before walking back to the table.
I was stunned as I watched him go.
And angry.
And intrigued.
What the hell was I feeling right now? I couldn’t pin it. Before this conversation, I was pretty sure I was disappointed in Lukas and upset with myself for caring that he didn’t want kids. But as I excused myself from the table, I’d reminded myself it was good to know that particular deal breaker because there was no endgame with Lukas. I’d gotten understandably carried away this weekend and I needed to get that under control – that was what I was thinking as I stood in line for the bathroom.
But now I was ticked off at Julian, curious and vaguely worried about Lukas, and in general, confused. I wanted to find Lukas and find out everything about him, but I was also afraid to face him again. A part of me feared that he’d just reached his limit with me – that Bryce had just reminded him that no quality of sex was worth the burden of a woman seeking a relationship. I could imagine him sitting at that table right now, trying to figure out how to tell me that he suddenly had to go and that we probably shouldn’t see each other after this.
For several minutes, I stood at the end of the bar, paralyzed with complete dilemma.
But soon enough, I was watching Lukas walk over to me with his head tilted just so.
“Why do you keep doing this to me?” he asked with a gentle laugh. Just hearing it made me relax my posture.
“Do what?”
“Leave me alone with those people.”
“Aren’t they your friends?”
“Some of them. Some are Emmett’s friends. Some are people I imagine he just met at another bar. He tends to collect people over the course of a night.”
I smiled. “Well, they’re not a bad collection of people. Save for… maybe Bryce.”
“He’s not all bad. He’s just a professional ball-buster,” Lukas said, helping me off my barstool. “Can I take you somewhere else now?”
My eyes fluttered with surprise. “You still want to take me somewhere?”
“Why wouldn’t I? If you thought hanging out with Emmett and Julian was going to count as our date, then your perception of me is still as shitty as it was the day we met.”
I snorted. “I promise you, it could never get as bad as it was the first night.”
“Good,” Lukas said, pressing those smirking lips on the side of my head as he took my hand and led me away from the bar. “Glad to know some things do change.”
18
LUKAS
I was eleven the first time I saw snow. In real life at least – I’d seen plenty in movies. But I had an irrational distaste for fake snow, probably because of the house across the street. During Christmastime every year, they taped piles of cheap cotton balls to their windows to mimic mountains of snow. I thought it looked fucking stupid but Tess was so charmed she used to take pictures, so it was no surprise at all that she bawled the first time she saw actual snow.
I was eleven, she was seven and our parents had made a random decision to put us on a plane two days before Christmas, sending us to our uncle’s house in Philly. They’d been fighting worse than usual the week prior, over something neither Tess nor I couldn’t understand, so despite the fact that we were untrusting kids who barely knew this Uncle James, we found ourselves both eager to go.
There had to be a thousand good memories from that short vacation but three stuck out most: Tess crying out of joy to see snow, Uncle James predicting I’d wind up at Wharton and me sneaking out Christmas night with his classic wood toboggan. It was probably 1AM when I raced what felt like sixty miles an hour down the street. The wind whipped my hair back and the cold stung the hell out of my cheeks. I knew that none of what I was doing was safe and that it was a bad idea on multiple fronts, but I doubled down anyway, switching positions mid-ride and lying on my stomach to go headfirst down the dark, icy road.
I wasn’t sure when I’d get another snow so I was going to make the best of it. For that reason, I didn’t regret the cuts and bruises from getting launched off the sled at the end of the road. It was just how I rolled from an early age – I made smart, logical decisions ninety percent of the time. Then without warning, I did something fucking stupid and reckless.
I’d guess that putting someone in the hospital counted as my reckless decision this year but whatever I was doing with Lia this week probably came in at a close second.
I’d slept over two nights in a row now.
Couldn’t help myself though. She let me so I did. Neither night was planned – it just happened. It was also too damned easy to get out of bed in the morning, get changed for work across the hall and come back in time to see her finally stirring in bed. There was something relaxing about watching her in bed, half-oblivious to me. It was like the storm inside me calmed every time I looked at her rubbing sleep from her eyes. I couldn’t guess what that particular image did to me but it struck some unknown chord inside me that Julian would probably give me hell for.
But fuck it. I was prepared for a bad week and if mornings with Lia softened the blow, then I was going to enjoy as many as I could, despite all the reasons telling me to just nip it in the bud.
I was well aware of the strain between us, ever since the night with Julian, Emmett and Bryce. I could tell she was hurt by my childfree admission. I knew I had no plans to change my outlook despite that. Basically, we’d spelled out in one night that we weren’t meant for each other. Even if we were in fact looking for a relationship, it was clear now that one would be pointless.
Yet here I was, still unable to get enough of her.
“Same
breakfast we had yesterday?” Lia asked when I joined her in the kitchen.
There it was. I grinned, realizing she was oblivious to the fact that with that question, she’d finally slipped up. Despite our proximity in the past few nights, Lia had kept a certain distance. She was noticeably antsy about saying anything too familiar – anything that might sound like something a girlfriend would say.
It was cute, especially since she thought she was being slick about it.
There was no use of the words “we” or “us" – it was only, “Are you hungry?” or “Should I grab dinner?” There was also her worst offense: “I’m going to go grocery shopping today. I can pick up extra food if you’re interested in me cooking dinner for you tonight.”
It was a hilariously robotic interlude to our otherwise intimate routine. We’d had more sex in the past three days than I had in the months before I met her. I showered with her the past two mornings. I soaped her up from head to toe and obviously spent extra time on her tits. At night, she sat on my lap while we watched TV and I spread her legs so I could finger-fuck her at my leisure.
And when we went to bed, she laid on my chest.
Last night, when she woke up out of nowhere, I asked her what was wrong and she whispered to me her adorably stupid dream. Something about getting an angry letter and an entire shipment of truffles back from an unhappy customer. She let me kiss her for several minutes before we drifted back to sleep.
To be clear, I was generally never eager to use the words “intimate” or “routine” to describe anything in my life but there was no denying what the past few days were.
Yet there was no mention of “we” till this morning.
Just to be a dick, I made sure to repeat it back to her.
“Yes. Same as we had yesterday,” I smirked as I sat at the counter in just my sweats, reveling in how she paused and blushed before going to work on breakfast.
It was a quarter to nine by the time we finished eating and I probably should’ve been thinking more seriously about getting to work. But then she started making chocolate and suddenly, there was another thing I hadn’t seen her do yet. Apparently, my mind was collecting images of her like baseball cards. There were several I had more than one of, many I fantasized about and apparently a good handful that I didn’t even know I wanted till I saw it.