by Rose, Ashley
Karen frowned slightly. "Is this still about Rachel and Will?" she asked skeptically.
Janine shook her head. "I...don't exactly know. I don't actually know what the problem is. I thought maybe there was something off with Jess that he wasn't sharing with me, but the only thing I can think of is that he might be having second thoughts about this whole baby thing."
"He's about six months too late for that," Karen said.
"I don't even know if that's what it is. I just got the feeling he was annoyed with me sometimes. Or it could be the normal adjustment thing. He's never lived with a woman besides his mother before, and he never got along with her. It's supposed to be an adjustment to move in with someone. It wasn't really so bad for me, but that's probably because I went from living under someone's roof to living under someone else's. I actually have more freedom from the move, but Jess has less."
Karen nodded. "That could be part of it. But has the Rachel and Will thing come to a head?"
Shaking her head, Janine replied, "Nope."
Karen nodded understandingly. "As the woman, you're going to have to do something."
"What am I supposed to do?" Janine asked. "I have no idea what to do. Jess and I have never really fought before. We've only had one fight, and it wasn't even a real fight, it was just a little argument, but we certainly didn't stop talking to each other and sleep on opposite ends of the bed. This one's bad."
"You're about to have a relationship heart attack."
Janine blinked. "Huh?"
"You know how when you have a heart attack it's from the buildup of your arteries being blocked? Well, your arteries are blocked. You two aren't communicating, so it's building up. You can start communicating, or you can wait until you have a relationship heart attack. You can swallow your pride and be the first to open up the lines of communication. I will warn you, if you choose this option, you will most likely have to strip your own heart bare before Jess will speak. He's too stubborn to ever open up first. Your second option is to pick a fight and get it all out that way. The second one can also be nice because you get to make up," she said, wiggling her eyebrows.
Janine smiled. "Making up is nice."
"It is nice," Karen agreed.
"I don't like fighting, though. And it isn't my pride that's keeping me from talking to Jess."
"Then what is it?"
Janine hesitated, and then said, "I'm not the only one who's mad. What if I try to talk to him and I start opening up and putting my heart out on my sleeve, but instead of opening up after me...what if he's just...mean? What if he completely rejects my apology? I've sort of just been waiting for him to calm down. I never open up first. Never. I know Jess isn't mean, but he can have a bit of a stubborn temper."
Karen nodded, understanding. "Ah, I see. So you are actually afraid to open up to him."
She glanced down at her feet, but nodded slightly.
"But so is he," Karen said.
Janine sighed and nodded again. "I know."
"And I'd be willing to wager he's been that way longer."
"I know that," Janine said, looking back up at her. "But do you at least understand why I'm afraid to? If I try and he rejects me I will never get up the nerve to do it again."
"I do understand," she said with a nod. "I also understand that Jess isn't likely to bend either. One of you has to bend, honey, otherwise you guys are going to keep on going like this, both being mad and distant, and, Janine, you're going to drift apart."
Janine sighed miserably and sat down in the nearest chair. "But I've tried to be subtle. I've tried to give him an opening. Even after he went out and didn't come home all night, I didn't even get mad."
Karen shook her head. She paused and frowned. "He didn't come home all night?"
"I don't know if he ever came home or not. I went to bed at 1:30, and if he came home after that, he was gone before I woke up."
She shook her head. "Anyway, apparently you two are alike in your difficulty, but that's one way that isn't good to be alike."
"You don't have this problem with Chad?"
"Nope," Karen said, shaking her head again. "Chad won't open up first either, and I don't love putting myself on the table, but I will do it if I have to. If I didn't, honestly, Chad and I wouldn't have been together this long. You know, one thing that we always do is this. When Chad and I argue, when I'm feeling really mad at him, I hug him. Same for him. We learned to do it when we were younger."
"You hug him?" Janine asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yep, and we don't let go until we aren't as angry anymore. It's almost impossible to stay mad at someone you love when you're hugging them."
"Hugging him, huh?" Janine murmured thoughtfully.
"Yep," Karen said with a nod. "Another little tip that can be helpful at times is to get to him when his guard's down."
"Jess's guard is never down," Janine replied, shaking her head.
"Of course it is. No one's guard is up when they're asleep."
Janine smiled. "They also can't hear you. I could confide my deepest secrets when he's sleeping, but he wouldn't hear me, so I doubt it would help."
"Not what I meant," Karen said, shaking her head. "Wake him up."
"He's cranky when he wakes up."
She sighed. "That's why you have to wake him up pleasantly. Kiss him awake, rub his back, nibble on his ear, do something like that, then he won't be so cranky when he wakes up. Then, before he even gets to be fully awake, tell him you want to talk to him. Under no circumstance can you raise your voice. Talk to him quietly. Don't even wait for him to agree, just start talking. He won't be angry with you yet, since he'll have just opened his eyes, and with you opening up and making yourself vulnerable to him without actually arguing...he'll listen," she said with a shrug.
"Really?" Janine asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Yep," Karen said with a nod. "But keep your voice gentle. Even about the things that you're angry about. Don't make him get defensive or it won't work."
"I could probably do that," Janine said thoughtfully.
"I'd definitely give it a try. Men are much more amiable when you catch them in bed."
Janine smiled. "Thank you. I'm going to try it."
Karen nodded with an knowing smile. "I have to keep my stubborn friends happy."
Janine stood up and followed Karen and Hope into the living room, trying to think of all the things she wanted to say to Jess.
Jess and Chad weren't gone very long, but the second they walked in the door Karen went over to Chad, said something quietly, and asked Janine to watch Hope for a second. Janine nodded and Karen hauled Chad in the other room, glancing over her shoulder at Jess before walking in the room and closing the door.
"Wonder what that's all about," Janine said.
"If you hear strange noises, just cover your ears."
Janine grinned. "I don't think she's going to maul him in a couple seconds."
He raised an eyebrow. "You do not know Karen."
Janine just shook her head and started absently braiding Hope's hair. Luckily, they really were only a few seconds, but as soon as Chad got back out he sighed and gestured for Jess to follow him. "Come on, Rosie."
"What, is my second wife curious?" Jess asked, walking out the door with Chad.
Janine raised her eyebrows as the door closed and they walked out, then she looked over at Karen. "What was that about?" she questioned.
Karen shook her head. "Just my own curiosity. Pay me no mind."
Janine wandered toward the door, peeling her ear to try to listen through the thin wall, but she couldn't hear.
"What did you ask?" Janine asked Karen again.
"Curiosity killed the cat," Karen replied.
"Well, that's okay, because I'm not a cat."
The door was already opening, so Janine didn't get to ask again, as Chad and Jess were coming back in. As soon as Jess got inside he shot Karen a look and said, "I'm not that stupid, Karen."
She grinned
. "Glad to hear it, Rosie. Now take your wife home and do something dirty with her."
Jess rolled his eyes. "Come on, Janie. I have to get you away from her influence."
"I happen to like her influence," Janine said, walking over to him. "What did she make Chad ask you?"
He shook his head. "Nothing."
She sighed. "Nobody tells me anything. I'm just going to go get a sippy cup and join Hope in begging for someone to read to me."
"Oh, just tell her," Karen said. "You can't do any harm. You'll probably ease her mind anyway."
He scowled at Karen. "Did Janie tell you to ask that?" he suddenly asked.
"No!" Karen said quickly. "No. It was just me. But still, there's no reason not to tell her."
Janine was scowling at them both by this time.
"Karen was curious about the night I didn't come home," he said, his tone agitated.
Janine blinked. "Okay." She waited for more, but he said nothing else. "You didn't tell me anything."
"She wanted to know if I went home with someone else," he ground out.
Karen had the grace to blush, but she didn't really look repentant.
Janine's eyes widened, more at hearing it said aloud than because Karen asked. "Oh."
"Naturally he didn't," Chad added.
Janine nodded. "I gathered that."
"Not that Karen thought he would," Chad said. "She's just a curious person."
"I see," Janine said.
"Did you think that?" Jess asked, looking at her.
Janine shook her head fervently. "Nope, the thought never ever even crossed my mind," she fibbed.
He narrowed his eyes slightly, but she was busy turning to say her good-byes to Karen, Hope, and Chad.
Janine thought the subject of the night Jess didn't come home had been officially dropped, but they decided to take the subway home, and when they had been sitting there quietly for a couple minutes Jess suddenly turned and tapped her on the shoulder.
Janine stopped looking at the other people and turned to face him. "Hm?"
"You don't trust me, do you?"
Her eyes widened in surprise.
"What?" she said.
"You lied when you said you never thought I might have cheated on you that night. You don't trust me."
"That's not true," she said, shaking her head, but not looking at him anyway.
She saw him nod out of the corner of her eye, but he didn't say anything else.
That night, Janine absolutely could not sleep.
Jess was lying asleep next to her, and while he wasn't facing her, he was at least on his back instead of turned away, which she found a nice step forward.
He looked so peaceful sleeping. She loved the look of his relaxed features, the way he slept without a shirt on, the way his hair fell in his eyes. She loved everything about him.
She looked over at Jess, thinking about what Karen said again. She really did want to try it.
Janine looked over at the clock. Seeing it read 1:52, she rolled off the bed, careful not to stir Jess, and walked out of the bedroom. She walked very quietly into the kitchen where she found her phone. She peeked in to make sure Todd was still asleep, and was rewarded with a snore. She dialed.
"Unless you are bleeding from the head, I suggest you hang up right now," came the muffled greeting.
Janine bit her lip. "Hi John. It's me. Janie."
He sighed. "I know who you are. At the moment I'm trying to figure out why I haven't murdered you yet."
She smiled. "You're such a bear when you wake up."
"I just went to bed a half hour ago and my head's killing me. What do you want?"
Sighing, Janine's smile fell away. "I need to ask you a question."
She heard a yawn on the other end, then, "Okay, what's the question that couldn't wait until morning?"
She didn't answer for a few seconds, then she said, "Do you trust people?"
"What do you mean?" he replied.
"Just that, do you trust people?"
"I trust you," he replied, obviously having no clue what she was getting at.
"No, that isn't what I mean. I mean...in love. When you're with a girl that you care about, do you trust her?"
He paused. "I don't know. Why are you asking me this? Did Jess do something?"
"No," she said, sighing. "It's not Jess, it's all me."
She heard him snort. "Yeah, I'm sure you're contemplating cheating on him, right?" he said sarcastically.
She exhaled loudly and covered her eyes with her hands. "Never mind. I'm sorry I called and woke you up. I'm just being a sentimental pregnant woman I guess. Go to sleep, I'll talk to you later."
"No, wait. I'm awake now. Tell me what's going on," he said.
"I don't know what's going on," she said, her frustration showing in her voice. "I have no idea. I do know that whatever is going on has never gone on before. Jess said he didn't think I trusted him tonight, and I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that of course I trust him, but...I couldn't. I couldn't say the words. I couldn't even look him in the face and disagree with him, and it isn't fair, because Jess has never done anything to deserve that. Jess deserves to be trusted, and I don't even know if I can give that to him," she said, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the wall.
"Why?" he asked softly.
"I've never had to trust before," she whispered. "I mean, I have, but I've always been hurt. I don't trust people anymore, and that works for me. It makes life easier. But Jess wants my trust and he deserves my trust, and I'm being terribly hypocritical, because I want his trust, too, but I don't know if I'm willing to return it."
"You don't trust him?"
"I don't know if I do. I want to, but if I don't it's through no fault of his own. It just isn't fair to him," she said, tears welling up in her eyes. "It isn't fair to him that he should have to suffer for things he's had no part in. It isn't fair to me that I can't even trust my own boyfriend. I could kill someone right now," she said, furiously dashing her tears away. "In fact, I could probably kill a whole bunch of people. I'm angry, John. What do you do when you're angry?"
"Punch someone."
She smiled, sniffling back a tear. "Well, Todd is lying in there asleep. I doubt he'd know what hit him."
John gave a half-hearted chuckle, and then there was a brief silence. "He isn't going to get away with it, Janine."
"Who?"
"Whoever the bastard is who hurt you."
"He's not the one who destroyed my ability to trust. Just leave that one alone. Honestly, it's completely different after the first time. The first one to hurt you is the one that does the most damage. After that, you kind of want to laugh at people because you know they'll never be able to do as much damage as the first one. I'm not even afraid anymore. The rape is over, John, so just let it go."
"How can I let it go? You're still hurting."
"Not because of him. I rarely even think of him, John. What a stranger does to me is completely different. It's when it's someone close to you, that's what hurts. It's laughable that a pathetic little frat boy thinks he can damage me."
"I'm not laughing," he said gravely.
"Well, if you laughed you would be an inconsiderate jerk. I, on the other hand, can laugh until my side splits and no one can say a thing about it." She sighed. "I think the baby's making me moody. You know how pregnancy can screw with your head. It's making me quite unpleasant to be around. I'm a pathetic pregnant woman."
"Have you been pathetic with Jess?"
"No. Jess and I haven't had much of a chance to talk. I got a job and I'm working in the evenings, which I hate, because now when Jess is home I'm working. I also...sort of made him mad, and he made me mad, and we've been in a little argument."
"Over what?" he asked.
"Well, when I met one of Jess's gorgeous ex-girlfriends, he forgot to introduce me as his girlfriend and it hurt my feelings."
He sighed. "He can be a bit of a dunce when it comes to things
like that."
She nodded her agreement. "Yes, and then I kind of retaliated by spending the rest of the evening talking to another guy and trying to make him jealous. Jess was supposed to come over there and scowl at me and take me back to his side, but instead he kept his distance all night. By the end of the night, we were both ticked off at each other. Karen explained to me that Jess just isn't used to relationships that require introductions, but I was caught up in the moment. And I'm pregnant. I have that excuse and I plan to milk it for all it's worth."
He chuckled. "You do that."
She sighed. "I guess I'll let you go. I should get back to bed anyway."
He sighed, too. "Okay. Well...I know I wasn't much help."
"No, you were. I've just been needing to talk to you," she said.
"I know. I'm sorry I haven't called, but school's been kicking my ass."
"Don't worry about it, I understand."
"How are you doing with your schooling, by the way?"
"I have a 3.75 GPA, so don't start with me, mister."
He chuckled. "Nerd."
"Thank you," Janine replied with a little smile.
"One more thing before you go," he said.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Cut Jess a little bit of slack about the ex-girlfriend thing, and when he does something absolutely stupid like that, just tell him. Chances are he didn't even know why you were pissed. Jess has very little experience with actual relationships, and Karen's right, he isn't used to introducing girlfriends. I don't believe Jess has ever in his life introduced a girl to me as his girlfriend, and I'm his best friend, so I've met most of them."
She sighed softly. "I know. I am. I'm going to have to be the one to stop the relationship heart attack."
There was a brief pause, then he said, "Not even going to ask."
She smiled. "Your sanity's probably safer that way."
He started to reply, then she heard a female voice murmur something and he whispered something that she couldn't make out.
Her jaw dropped and she said, "John, do you have a girl in bed with you?"
"Uh...go to bed, Janie."