by Sara Mack
James finally relaxes and smiles, reaching out to pet LB. “Where’d you find her?” he asks.
“She was a birthday present from Matt and Shel. They figured I was lonely.”
James’ smile vanishes and his face twists. “I’m so sorry,” he says.
“What for?”
“For missing your birthday. For leaving you. For screwing everything up.”
I set LB down and reach for his hand. “It’s not your fault.”
“Everything is my fault.”
I shake my head and scoot closer to him. “Don’t be sorry. Or sad. Or angry. I hate to see you like that. You scared me tonight.”
“I’ve been mad at myself. And Garrett. Finding him here was a shock and I…I just lost it.”
I pull him to lie down next to me, to snuggle in for the night, and LB makes her way in between us, curling into a ball. “I’m glad you’ve calmed down, and I’m glad you’re here.”
“So am I.”
“Promise me you won’t leave.”
James kisses my forehead. “Like I said, there’s no place I’d rather be.”
“I love you.”
“Until the end of forever.”
I smile. “I hope The Allegiant aren’t paying attention.”
He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “We’d know by now if they were.”
I raise my eyebrows. “So, can we, you know…”
James pretends to look shocked. “What’s gotten into you? In front of LB?”
“I think she’s asleep.”
He smiles, but gives me a resigned sigh. “As much as I want to, I think it would be best if we didn’t.”
I grimace. “Fine. When did you turn into such a rule follower?”
“Since I’ve been threatened with Erasure. The idea of having my memory erased doesn’t appeal to me.”
Yeah, that sounds just as horrible as it did the first time I’d heard about it.
“You need to get some sleep,” he tells me.
“That’s not going to be easy.”
“Do you want me to sing you a lullaby?”
“Please no!” I laugh. James’ singing voice is terrible.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star…” he warbles.
“Stop!”
“How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high…”
“Arrggh!” I plug my ears.
“Like a diamond in the sky…”
Even LB looks up annoyed.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star…”
“I’m sleeping!” I smash my eyes together. “See!”
He laughs then kisses my nose like a parent would. “That’s better.”
He holds me tighter and eventually I drift off, content in his arms, where I never thought I would be again.
Chapter 7
I awake to the delicious smell of cinnamon, and my stomach growls. I roll over, reaching beside me in the process, and find myself alone. Frowning, I open my eyes and look around the room. The sun is shining around the blinds on my window, and the clock reads 10:58. Apparently, all the activities from last night wore me out. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I swing my legs to the side and leave my bed. I find James in the kitchen, standing over the toaster, with LB sitting at his feet.
“Good morning,” he says. He catches the time on the oven and smiles. “I mean, good afternoon.”
“You’re making toast?” I ask.
The bread pops up. “I’m making breakfast.” He removes the slices from the toaster and grabs a knife. He opens the butter dish. “Cinnamon raisin okay with you?”
“Well,” I move to lean against the counter beside him, “since I bought the bread, I would say it’s perfect. What brought this on?”
“You said Garrett cooks.” He runs the knife over the toast. “I thought I’d give it a try.”
I laugh. “I don’t know if toasting bread counts as cooking.”
James looks at me and raises an eyebrow. “Do you want the toast or not?”
My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that everything that was inside of it ended up in the toilet last night. “Yes, of course I want it.” I stand on my toes and kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”
He hands me the plate and moves to the refrigerator. He opens the door and pulls out a carton of orange juice. I watch him, mesmerized, as he grabs a glass from the cabinet and fills it. “For you.” He holds it out to me.
I take it from him tentatively. He puts the carton back and shuts the fridge door. I haven’t moved.
“What?” he asks.
I blink. “It’s like…it’s almost like you’re not a Guardian.”
A sad expression flashes across his face, then the corner of his mouth quirks up. “Maybe with some culinary practice I could be your butler.”
“Ooooh, I like that,” I smile. “It would be nice to come home to a clean apartment and a hot meal every day.”
He laughs and reaches around me to collect the bread and the butter dish, putting things back where they belong. I step out of his way, carrying my breakfast into the living room and setting it on the coffee table. I sit down and pull off a piece of toast. “So, what’s on the agenda for today?” I call into the kitchen and pop the bread into my mouth.
A moment later he appears in the doorway. “Are congratulations in order?” he asks, holding the newspaper article and the envelope I received in the mail.
The bread suddenly feels dry in my mouth, and I choke it down. “Apparently so.” I turn my attention to the orange juice. I forgot I left the article about Teagan on the counter.
“When did this happen?” he asks.
I swallow my drink and nod toward his hands. “It sounds like a year and a half ago. I don’t know.”
James frowns. “You don’t know?”
I pull off another piece of toast and try to look unaffected. “I just found out about the happy couple yesterday.”
“From the mail?”
“Yep.”
James looks irritated and starts to walk toward me. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
He reaches me and sits down on the couch I now hate. “Don’t lie to me.”
I don’t want to talk about Dane with James. I’m nervous about how much he knows. Before he left, he knew we were friends and suspected Dane wanted more. I was adamant that he didn’t. I was wrong.
“I’m not lying.” I shove a piece of toast in my mouth. “I’m really fine.”
He gives me an exasperated look. “You forget I can feel your emotions, and you’re still a terrible liar.” He stares at me intently. “Yesterday was a very hard day for you.”
I look down, embarrassed. If he felt my emotions yesterday, what did he feel when I was with Dane before I left for school? I try to eliminate him from our conversation. “I also ran into Rebecca at Wayside last night.” James is familiar with the bar; we used to go there often.
He crumples the article and the envelope in his hand, his jaw tensing. “I’m sorry she upset you.”
I shrug and go back to picking at my toast. James stands and begins to pace. He stops. “He really didn’t tell you he was engaged?” he asks in disbelief. “After all the time you two spent together?”
I look at him annoyed. “No, he didn’t. Can we drop this?”
“No.” I can tell he’s getting worked up. “I know you care about him.”
I freeze, alarmed by what he just said. He knows I care about Dane? “H–how do you know that?” Do I even want the answer?
My reaction causes him to pause. He tilts his head. “You’re nervous. Did something happen?”
This is it, I think and start to sweat. My mind flashes back to when I found out about Rebecca, when I learned about her and James. I remember how hurt I was that it had happened, but even more so that he had kept it from me. I can’t be like that; I have to be honest. My face searches his, and I know I look guilty. I open my mouth to confess.
“Don’t,” he cuts me off before I can utter a
word. He closes his eyes and clenches his hands into fists, as if trying to keep his emotions in check.
I imagine the conclusion he’s jumped to. “It’s not what you think,” I say hurriedly, as I stand and walk toward him. But it kind of is, my subconscious pipes up.
He opens his eyes. “I don’t want to know,” he says, even though his jaw is still tense. “It shouldn’t matter to me anymore.”
I look at him, pleading. “But I want to tell…”
“Emma, stop.” He stares at me, his eyes intense. “I don’t care about the details.”
I know he’s lying.
“What matters is that he hurt you and that is unacceptable.” He starts to pace again.
I’m at a loss for words. I want to make him feel better. I want him to know that whatever was between Dane and me was brief and obviously over.
James walks past me. “I could kill him,” he mutters under his breath.
I’m worried that angry James is going to make a return appearance, and I try to diffuse the situation. “It’s not that serious.”
He stops pacing and looks at me. “Everything that involves you is serious. It’s my duty.”
I realize his reaction has more to do with jealousy than his duty. “It’s really okay,” I protest, even though I’d like to say a few choice words to Dane myself.
“No one should ever hurt you,” he says defiantly. “You don’t deserve it.”
I walk toward him. “Let’s not talk about this anymore. I want to forget about everything involving Dane.”
“You deserve an explanation,” he says. “You can’t let him get away with this. Stand up for yourself.”
I give him an exasperated look.
“I mean it. If you don’t do something about it, I will.”
“Like what?” I try to make light of the situation. “Haunt him?”
“Amongst other things.”
I don’t think I want to know what the others things might be; I want to drop the subject. “I’m done talking about this.” I walk backward to the couch, sit down, and pick up my breakfast again. “Where were we? Oh yes,” I pause. “What are we doing today?”
He looks at me pointedly. “Don’t let him get away with it.”
I roll my eyes. “I know. I got it.”
“Do you really?”
“Yes!”
He eyes me warily. “You know I’ll know.”
“Yes Dad, I know you’ll know.” Why won’t he let this go? “So, about today?”
He sighs and studies my face. I chew on my now-hardened cinnamon raisin toast. He finally relaxes a bit. “I think we should pay a visit to your neighbor.”
“I agree,” I say and finish up my orange juice. “Just let me shower and we can leave.”
About twenty minutes later I emerge from the shower, wrapped in a towel, to find James playing with LB on my bed. I stand in the doorway for a few seconds, taking in the sight of them playing together. He drags a piece of yarn back and forth for her to catch. The scene makes me sentimental. It looks so normal, and I get caught up in it. This is exactly how things should have been for us, would have been for us, if it wasn’t for that horrible night. Tears unexpectedly jump behind my eyes. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and change our future.
James turns to me in a flash. “What’s wrong?”
I blink quickly, trying to hide my tears. I walk into the room and past him. “Nothing.” I open a dresser drawer and search for something to wear.
He’s behind me in an instant, setting his hands on my shoulders. “Tell me,” he says softly.
I continue to search through my shirts and a tear escapes. “You and LB…it just hit me, that’s all.”
He stands behind me, patiently waiting for me to elaborate. I select a shirt and move to the next drawer. I pull out a pair of jeans and then move on to find some underwear. I try to brush the tear away indiscreetly with the back of my hand, but its hard holding on to my clothes and the towel, and I miss. He turns me around by my shoulders, looks into my eyes, and runs his thumb across my cheek. His sweet gesture makes my eyes well up even more.
“Tell me,” he says again, concerned.
I hesitate. I don’t want to bring up unpleasant things. “I got caught up in the moment, watching you with LB. It reminded me of our plans before…how you should be here…”
Without a word, he pulls me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. He tucks my head beneath his chin and remains quiet while tears fall silently down my face. What can he say? There are no words that can change our reality. I need to pull it together. That he is here at all is a miracle, and I don’t want to make it seem like it’s not enough. I stand up straight and step out of his arms. “I’m good,” I say, wiping my face. I drop my clothes in the process.
“You’re not.” He bends down to collect my things and then stands. “My being here is too hard for you.”
“You’re wrong,” I say adamantly.
“I should go. It would be easier for the both of us.”
I look at him, crushed. “You want to leave?”
“Of course not.”
“Then don’t.” I take my clothes from his hands and turn to place them on top of the dresser. I let the towel fall to my feet, and pull on my underwear. I put on my jeans next, and then reach for my shirt.
“That’s not helping,” James says quietly from behind me.
I freeze. I wasn’t thinking; I’m so used to being alone. I glance over my shoulder, and he’s no longer there. “I told you not to leave!” I say loudly as I throw the rest of my clothes on.
“I didn’t!” I hear him yell from the living room.
I walk into the bathroom to grab my hairbrush and then go to find him. James is sitting on the couch, playing with the remote. “This TV sucks,” he says, punching buttons.
“Okay, Matt,” I say and sit cross-legged beside him, pulling the brush through my hair.
He gives me a funny look.
“Matt told me the same thing when he was here,” I clarify.
James nods. “You should really think about getting a new one, especially if I’m going to hanging around more.”
I laugh sarcastically. Would Garrett consider another trade?
“What?”
I shake my head. “It’s nothing.” I comb the tangles out of my hair, and remove a tie from the handle of the brush. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah,” he sighs and turns off the television. We stand and head to the door. On our way, he stops abruptly in front of me, and I walk right through his body.
“What…?”
Suddenly, he grabs my upper arms and pulls me to him, his mouth coming down hard on mine. His kiss is demanding and just when I begin to relax in his hold, he stops. I look at him, bewildered.
“You need to keep your clothes on,” is all he says. He releases my arms and walks around me to open the door. He ushers me outside before LB can run out.
“It’s my apartment, you know.” I try to be annoyed, but inside I’m beaming. I still have the same effect on him that he has on me.
He shoots me an agitated stare and says nothing.
I lead him to Garrett’s door and tentatively knock. As we wait in the hall, I mull things over. Their situation really has nothing to do with me. “Should I be here?” I ask.
James steps forward and knocks harder. “Yes. Garrett involved you. You deserve to know what’s going on as much as I do.”
I have to admit I am curious. We wait, and James knocks again. When the door remains unanswered, he says, “Wait here.”
“Where are you going?”
“We tried the polite way, now it’s time to be rude.” He steps forward and disappears through Garrett’s door.
I’m left alone in the hallway, staring stupidly at where James just stood. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to what he can do.
Minutes later, he reappears. “He’s not home.”
I roll my eyes. “I could have told you that.” W
e head back to my place. “So, did you learn anything from your B & E?”
He laughs. “There was no B. Only E.”
“Very funny. I’m serious.”
James walks through my apartment door and opens it for me from the inside.
“Show off.”
He smirks. “No, I didn’t learn much. Except…” He looks across the room longingly.
I close the door behind me. “Except what?”
“He has an amazing TV.”
James and I spend the rest of the day wrapped around each other on the couch. I get caught up in a Pretty Woman movie marathon, and James periodically disappears to see if Garrett has returned. I tried to talk him into making me lunch in order to improve his cooking skills, but that was a no go. As evening fell, I tried to coerce him into making me dinner as well.
“Actually, I should get back,” he sighs and untangles himself from me. I try to hold on but grab only air.
“You’re leaving?” I ask, worriedly.
“I need to be seen. I don’t want to raise any suspicion.” He stands over me as I sit up.
“What about Garrett?”
He frowns. “If you see him, tell him I’m looking for him.”
“When will you be back?”
He leans over me and kisses my forehead. “Soon.”
I wrap my hand around his neck to keep his eyes level with mine. “You promise?”
He flashes that familiar James smile that makes my heart beat faster. “I promise.”
I hear my cell chime from the bedroom, telling me I have a text message. “Somebody is looking for you,” he says and stands.
“It’s probably my mom. Or Shel,” I say, standing as well.
James takes a step back and starts to evaporate.
“Can I still tell you I love you?” I ask as he fades.
“Only with your clothes on,” he teases.
I look down at myself in an exaggerated way. I’m fully clothed. “I love you.”
He has completely disappeared, but I still hear his voice. “Until the end of forever.”
My cell chimes again, and I go to see who needs me. When I pick the phone off my nightstand, my stomach drops to my toes.