by Sara Mack
He shrugs on his coat and unexpectedly extends his hand. “Luke Meyer,” he introduces himself. “And you are?”
I knew it. I tentatively shake his hand. “Emma.”
“Ah. I thought so,” he says. He reaches into his pocket and produces a business card, which he places on the ledge of the coatroom door. “Nice to meet you,” he smiles and then turns to leave.
I’m speechless as I watch him go. Apparently, I was right and he knows who I am. I don’t know why I think this, but I hope this doesn’t make things worse for Dane. I was perfectly polite. Maybe he’ll try to use my lower social status as a case against me and for Teagan. Ugh.
My eyes fall on the white business card that he left, and I pick it up. It’s full of the typical stuff – name, company logo, address, and phone number. Why did he leave this? I flip the card over and my heart skips. There, in neat handwriting, are the following words:
NO NEED TO WORRY. ALL WILL BE WELL IN TIME.
“This is the weirdest thing ever,” Shel says as she holds the business card in her hand. “What does it mean?”
I give her a bewildered look. “I have no idea.”
We slowly walk to her car in the parking lot. It’s nearly midnight, we’ve cleared just about every dish, glass, and utensil imaginable, and our feet are killing us. I can’t wait to get back to her dorm and crash.
“Ladies,” I hear a familiar voice from my left and immediately close my eyes. This is so not happening.
“Dane!” Shel gushes from my side. “What are you doing here?”
“It took you two forever to finish in there,” he says. “Matt said you’d be done around ten.”
I open my eyes. Of course. Matt. He’s worse than a group of gossiping women. That boy needs duct tape strategically placed over his mouth.
“There was a lot to do,” Shel explains then looks at me pointedly. “Aren’t you going to say hello?”
“Hey,” I say and look at the ground as I internally panic. How am I going to explain this to James?
“I decided to take matters into my own hands,” Dane says as he stops about a foot in front of me. “I wanted to see you.” He reaches out and lifts my chin, so that I’m looking up at him. “I still need that hug.”
I hear Shel let out a muted “aww” and, as if on cue, I see James materialize directly behind Dane. I try to keep my eyes focused on Dane and not over his shoulder, but it’s difficult. James looks livid. Why shouldn’t he be? I told him Dane wouldn’t be here – no, I promised. And here he finds us, Dane touching my face and looking into my eyes, saying he needs a hug.
I react more violently than necessary, but I’m weirded out from Teagan’s dad and I’m exhausted and panicky. I yank my face out of Dane’s gentle grasp and take a step back. “You shouldn’t have come here! I told you I would see you when I could.”
Dane’s face falls, hurt, and then rearranges itself. “What is with you?” he snaps.
“Why won’t you listen to me?” I plead in anger. I turn to Shel. “Why won’t any of you listen to me?”
Shel looks sad and confused by my question and says nothing.
I feel Dane’s hand on my shoulder, and I shrug it off. “Touching me is not a good idea right now.”
He holds his hands up in surrender in front of him. “Emma. Seriously. What is the problem?”
I eye James, who steps to Dane’s side. He clenches his fists and looks ready to take a swing. I need to prove to him that I didn’t ask Dane to be here.
“You!” I answer Dane. “You are my problem!”
Dane looks flabbergasted and beyond pissed. I’m making a fine mess of things. Guilt floods my body as I register his expression. He’s never done anything to me to make me treat him this way, and my heart aches.
“Emma,” Shel tries to intervene. “Maybe we should go. You guys can talk this out another time.”
“No,” Dane says adamantly. “Let’s do this.” He takes a step forward and towers over me. “Go ahead. Tell me how you really feel.”
I stare up into his eyes and nearly choke on my words as I try to maintain a steady tone. “You and I can never be anything. Ever.”
“Why?” His eyes narrow as he searches my face. “Give me one good reason.”
My mind scrambles. “Because I’m messed up beyond words! You don’t want me; you don’t deserve that.”
Dane scowls. “Who are you to say what I do and don’t want? Isn’t that my decision?”
“You think you want me, but you don’t. I was just a replacement for Teagan when you were lonely, that’s all.”
“You know that’s not true.” He takes a step closer. “C’mon, you can do better than that. What’s the real reason?”
The real reason is standing next to you ready to rip you limb from limb! I think. My eyes jump to James, who is standing inches from Dane, and I silently pray for him to look at me. Look at me! I shout in my head. Look at me and calm down!
“Well?” Dane presses.
I’m at a loss. I can’t tell him that I’m still in love with my dead boyfriend! Or can I? “I’m in love with someone else,” I say as I try to remain strong. “I’m seeing someone else.” It’s not a lie.
Dane takes a step back as if he’s been burned, exposing Shel to my line of vision. Both of them look at me in awe. Dane sets his jaw, and his eyes harden. “Who’s the lucky guy?”
“No one you know,” I say as my eyes flash to James. He’s finally retreated a few steps although he still looks pissed as hell.
“Why didn’t you just say so?” Dane drills me.
“I didn’t know how…I didn’t want to hurt you.”
He lets out a forced laugh and leans forward. “Let me tell you something. This wasn’t the way to do it.”
I feel terrible. Absolutely horrible. But what I told him was the truth; I am with someone else. I just can’t be specific. I open my mouth to apologize.
He holds out his hand to stop me. “Don’t,” he says and starts to back toward his car. “I’ve heard enough for one night.”
“Dane, I…”
“Don’t,” he cuts me off in a hard tone. “Just don’t.”
With that he turns his back and walks away. I try to keep my emotions in check in front of Shel and James, but it’s hard. I look at James and quickly wipe away the few tears that have escaped my eyes. He nods toward me and then disappears, leaving me to wonder if he’s more upset with me or with Dane. I finally turn toward Shel. Now I get to face her wrath.
Instead of words, she wraps me in a vise-like hug. It’s all I can do to remain standing as my tears well over.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she says into my shoulder. “I had no idea you were seeing someone new.”
I shake my head. “I’m not.”
She pulls back and stares at me. “Emma! Why did you do that to Dane?”
I wipe my face. “So he’d leave me alone and move on.”
She scrutinizes me. “So, you’re not seeing anyone?”
My emotional state and the inability to discuss anything personal with anyone human clouds my judgment. I imagine the relief I will feel once I utter what’s on my tongue. “I’m not seeing anyone new; I’m seeing someone old,” I pause. “I’m still in love with James,” I tell her. “I still see James.”
Chapter 19
Sitting on my couch, wrapped in a blanket, I doodle in my notebook with a pencil. I’ve been back in my apartment since late afternoon, waiting. For James. For my head to stop pounding. For a moment of clarity. I look down and focus on my scribble. I’ve written Mr. Meyer’s strange message repeatedly. No need to worry. All will be well in time.
I slam my notebook shut and toss it on the coffee table. I realize that I’ve left my apartment only twice since classes began, and each time I ended up in some psychotic situation. Every time I leave to help someone, I end up hurting someone else. Maybe that’s the key. I should stop leaving to help people.
After I admitted that I still see James, it
took most of the night to convince Shel not to call my parents to have me pulled from school and institutionalized. It was stupid of me to ever let those words leave my lips. I should have made up a story about dating Garrett instead. Of course Shel assumed I was having some sort of delusionary James visions, and I went along with her assumption to make things easier. I managed to convince her that the visions were getting better, and they were nothing I wanted to worry my family over. I told her I needed time to let myself heal from his loss and that this summer with Dane happened way too fast. I think she finally understood some of my resistance toward Dane, and she vowed to stop pushing. Finally.
I decide I need comfort food and homemade chocolate chip cookies seem more than in order. I peel myself off the couch and shuffle to the kitchen. I rummage through my cupboards and come up with every ingredient but the baking soda. I head over to the wall and bang three times. I’m sure Garrett has some. It only takes a moment for him to bang back, letting me know he’s home. I leave my place and return from my baking soda mission successful, but I had to trade the soda for a promise that he could stop by in a few minutes, as soon as the first batch of cookies was done.
I set to work mixing and it calms me. When every ingredient is combined, I dole out the dough in spoonfuls on a baking sheet, place it in the oven, and then set to eating the majority of the left over batter out of the bowl with the spoon. I know it’s not good to eat the raw eggs, but Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie dough is really best uncooked.
“Did you miss your mouth?” I hear James say as he appears in the kitchen.
I pause mid-lick and wipe the corner of my lip with my thumb. “Better?”
He gives me a tiny smile. “Much.”
I toss the spoon back into the bowl and walk forward to wrap my arms around his waist. “Do you know how much you scared me last night? I thought you were going to punch Dane.”
“I was so close,” he says. “When I felt your reaction and then saw him touching you…I about went over the edge. That guy is an expert at pissing me off.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about him anymore,” I say quietly. “I’m pretty sure I ruined everything we ever had.”
James pulls away from me slightly. “You sound sad about that.”
I look up at him. “I am sad about that.”
“Why?” he frowns.
“Because I hurt him,” I say like it should be obvious. “He didn’t deserve that. He’s never done anything, but care about me.”
“Whoa.” James steps out of my arms. “Are you being serious right now?”
“Yes.” My expression twists. “I don’t get off on hurting people.”
The oven timer beeps, momentarily distracting me. I grab a dishtowel off counter, use it as a hot pad, and remove the cookie sheet, tossing it nosily on the stovetop. I turn back to James. “You’re mad because I feel bad about being mean?”
“I’m mad because you feel bad about being mean to him,” he says, irritated. “Have you forgotten about the engagement? His lying to you?”
“He explained that.”
James shakes his head. “And I still can’t believe you bought it.”
I cross my arms defensively. “What’s to buy? He didn’t tell me because he was ending it with her. Yes, he should have told me, I agree. But he made a mistake.”
“So now he’s a saint?”
“I’m not saying that!” Is this what we’re going to do now? Fight every other day? I don’t like it, and I’m sick of it. “Can’t you just be happy? He’s never going to speak to me again. Problem solved!” I march past him and into the living room. The kitchen is starting to feel claustrophobic.
James follows. “Are you walking away from me?”
“No!” I turn around. “I just need some air.”
We stare at each other for a few moments. Lately, I can’t keep up with his bipolar mood swings. He was never like this before he died. I miss the relaxed, fun James he used to be.
“How?” James asks.
“How what?”
“You said he cares for you. Tell me how.”
I place my hands on my hips and search his face. My mind flashes back in time to my confrontation with Mrs. Davis, when Dane defended me. “This summer,” I say adamantly. “Dane stood up for me when your mother called me a whore.”
His expression changes from one of defiance to one of shock. We’ve never discussed this. “What are you talking about?”
“I ran into your mom at the grocery store while running an errand for work. She blamed me for your death and then called me a whore in front of an aisle full of strangers. Dane got me out of there; he defended me.”
James’ eyes cloud over. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want you to think badly of your mother.”
James looks down, processing what I’ve told him, and then his head snaps up. “Is there anything else I don’t know?”
I feel the need to defend Dane and my decision to let him into my life. “He helped me take out my aggressions after you were assigned as my Guardian; he told me his mother died when he was young, and he could relate to my grief. He said, if I could ever love him, he would wait for me.”
James frowns. “How is it possible that I know none of these things?”
I take a step toward him. “They happened while you were keeping your distance from me.”
James studies my face for a moment. “And if I’d stayed away?” he asks. “Do you think Dane wouldn’t have left you like he left Teagan?”
“Have you met Teagan? She’s evil!”
James scoffs. “Not according to Meg.”
I can feel my forehead pinch as I scowl. “What’s Meg got to do with this?”
“Meg is Teagan’s Guardian.”
“James!”
Both of our heads snap toward Garrett’s voice, and we find him standing just inside my doorway.
“You know that is privileged information,” Garrett says as he approaches us. “What are you thinking?”
James takes a step back and sighs heavily. “Why are you here?”
“I came for cookies.” Garrett looks at me. “What is going on?” he demands.
The need to tell Garrett overwhelms me. Maybe he can set James straight, help him with his behavior. He was his Guardian and mentor, after all. “James almost hit Dane last night,” I confess. Under my lashes, I glance at James. If looks could kill, I would be dead. Deader than dead. James shoots daggers at me.
“Again with the jealousy?” Garrett glares at James. “Are you begging for attention? You know that is unacceptable!”
James walks toward Garrett and stops inches from him. “It’s hard to control,” he nearly growls. “All of my emotions are getting stronger; nothing is fading like you said it would!” He glances at me and then to Garrett again. “The sooner I can be human, the sooner I can be everything she needs. Then this conversation will mean nothing.”
“You are everything she needs!” Garrett exclaims.
James crosses his arms. “I don’t see it that way.”
Garrett steps back and stares at James, shaking his head in disbelief. He looks at me and then closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Sit down.”
When he opens his eyes, we’re both still standing. “I said sit down.”
I tentatively move to the couch and, begrudgingly, James joins me. Garrett follows us and takes a seat in the opposite chair. He rubs his forehead. “This is not the time I wanted to tell you this,” he says, his voice tired. “But I think it might alleviate your stress.” He looks us in the eyes. “Or at least allow you to move forward.”
My pulse starts to accelerate.
“Emma,” he turns to me, “you’ve become a good friend. I never expected it, but it’s something I’m truly grateful for. I don’t want to see you tortured any more than I want to see James struggle.”
James scowls, unconvinced.
“It true,” Garrett says to James. “You
were my Ward. Every fiber of my being is programmed to protect you, to look out for what’s best, to guide you in your decisions to a life well-lived. I still feel some of that connection to you now.” He looks at his hands. “That’s why, before I tell you this, I need you to know that what I did brought me physical pain. Pain I thought I no longer had the ability to feel.” He looks up at James. “It was debilitating.”
James narrows his eyes. “What did you do?”
Garrett sits up straight and takes a deep breath. “I assigned you to Emma, so that you could never be released and so that I could be Reborn. You can’t be human again,” he pauses, “unless Emma dies.”
I can’t catch my breath. It feels like I’ve fallen off a high rise and landed on the cement face first. James, on the other hand, leaps off the couch and shoves Garrett, flipping the chair over and spilling him on to the floor. “You used me!” he shouts.
“It was the best thing for all of us!” Garrett tries to stand. “You know the odds of Emma releasing you were slim!”
The sound of my name helps me to breathe again. “You don’t know that!” I jump to stand.
“The fact that you two are still arguing over Dane proves it,” Garrett says, regaining his balance. He looks at James. “I tied you to her for life! I knew it would be difficult, but I thought you could overcome it. I truly did.”
James doesn’t care. He lunges at Garrett and lands a right hook across his jaw with a sickening crunch. Garrett stumbles to side and catches himself before he hits the wall. He stands straight and shakes off the pain, taking a defensive stance.
“You let me believe I could be human again!” James swings, but Garrett’s prepared and he misses.
“I had to!” Garrett circles around the couch and behind me. “We need your cooperation to stay hidden!”
“You made the wrong choice,” James seethes and advances. “If I can’t be human neither can you.”
“You can’t go to The Allegiant,” Garrett says. “You’ll ruin the chance for all the others.”