Church had a neutralizing effect on her seething anger. Maybe it was the hushed atmosphere. Maybe it was her grandma’s sweet face, or maybe it was Tosh in clerical robes smiling at everyone who entered. His eyes fell on her and his smile froze and faltered before being quickly recovered.
“Welcome,” he said. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. Though it was the same word he said to everyone else, Riley took it to heart. She did feel welcome, at least by him. For the first time, she actually listened to the sermon. Maybe it was her imagination, but Tosh seemed to look everywhere but at her. When the service was over, she followed her grandmother to her group of friends. As Riley had guessed, they were picking apart the sermon.
“I thought it was lovely,” Lucinda said.
“You always say that,” Rose boomed. Her eyes rested on Riley with the same sort of scrutiny that TSA scanners at the airport gave to gun-shaped bags. “What brings you here today, Riley? Have you developed a sudden interest in our pastor?”
“Yes,” Riley said. “In fact, we made out last night on his couch.”
The group of women made a collective “tsk” sound. “I don’t understand your sense of humor at all. Lacy doesn’t make jokes like that.” Gladys said.
“Lacy doesn’t know what she’s missing,” she said. She glanced at Tosh from the corner of her eye. Why had her sister chosen Jason? They weren’t suited for each other. She and Tosh had much more in common. Did opposites attract? In Riley’s experience, that was just a saying. Opposites argued. Like should be with like. Why, then, did she find herself gravitating toward Tosh? No one could be more opposite from her than he was.
She and her grandmother ate a solemn lunch. Mr. Middleton, her grandfather, was checking on Lacy, who hadn’t returned from the hospital. Riley wanted to ask Lucinda what it had been like to adopt her mother, why she hadn’t told anyone for so long, why Lacy was her favorite, how she had fallen in love with Mr. Middleton, and a thousand other things. But she didn’t. Lucinda didn’t like to talk about things, and neither did Riley. She accused Lacy of being remote, but she was equally as guilty. Most things were better left unsaid. Since she had been home, she’d had a lot of time to think and reflect on her life. Most of it left an unsavory taste in her mouth. When she moved on, she vowed to settle down a little bit. She could have fun without selling pieces of her soul. When she learned the story of her biological grandmother, Barbara Blake, she had seen too much of herself in the other woman’s story. That wasn’t how she wanted to die—alone and living off the largess of some man.
After lunch, Lucinda went to her room to rest. Riley paced restlessly around the house. What was she still doing here? Lacy wasn’t giving her the money she needed. Besides, if she continued to stay, she would continue to be in her sister’s shadow—a place she had vowed never to be again. Lacy had cornered the market on this place. Riley needed to go somewhere new, someone where people had never heard the name “Steele.” Maybe she would go to Florida and spend some time with her parents. Her dad had said they wouldn’t give her any more money. Her mother disagreed, just one of many areas of dissension between them. While Riley was pretty sure her dad wouldn’t relent, she knew he wouldn’t kick her out of his house. Maybe she could live with them for a while and work somewhere. If she offered to work out a payment plan with her creditors, she could avoid jail. Even though pending fraud and theft charges hung over her head, she had a good relationship with her previous employers. She could talk them out of pressing charges if she promised to pay them back and made good on her word.
Yes, she would go. She would sneak out now while everyone was preoccupied with Lacy and her latest life crisis. There was no need to say goodbye to Lacy who would only feel relief at her departure. A quick goodbye to Grandma and Mr. Mid—her grandfather—would suffice. I should say goodbye to Tosh. Strange how yesterday she hadn’t felt she owed him anything, and now she somehow knew it would hurt him if she left without a word. Maybe she was growing because she found that she cared about his opinion of her.
Showing up at his house uninvited seemed too much like throwing herself at him. She arranged an overflowing plate of food and left before she could change her mind. The plate of food wiggled precariously as she held it with one hand and knocked with the other. It was a few minutes until he answered the door. When he did, his hair was tousled, his clerical collar askew.
“Do you sleep in that thing?” she asked as she stared at the collar.
He righted it and offered up a sheepish smile. “No, but usually when someone stops by on a Sunday afternoon, it’s church business, so I throw it on before I answer the door.”
“Sorry I woke you.”
“I’m glad. I didn’t mean to sleep. I somehow dozed off. Sundays induce narcolepsy in me.”
“Happens to the best of us,” she said. Awkward silence descended between them. “Food.” She shoved it at his hands.
“Thank you,” he drawled. Clearly her arrival was as odd and unexpected as the food. “Come in.” He turned. She followed him inside and closed the door. “So, thanks for coming to church this morning.” He set the food on the kitchen counter.
“I’m beginning to understand the perils of trying to be a pastor who dates. That line was lame.”
“That wasn’t a line. I’m genuinely glad you were there. It’s a pastor thing. We say we don’t play a numbers game, but we do. Every warm body in the pew is another mark in my plus column. Don’t judge me for my lack of depth.”
“I enjoyed it. Maybe I’ll go to church wherever I end up.”
“That sounds suspiciously like a goodbye.”
“It is. This place is…there’s too much Lacy.” He and Lacy were friends, but she didn’t think she could stand it if Tosh defended her sister.
“Sometimes I feel the same way,” he said. He smiled.
“Maybe you should run away with me. You could start a new church and I could plan parties. It would be epic.”
“That sounds like a well thought out plan.”
Riley laughed. “I’m usually a meticulous planner. Despite my carefree image, I don’t make a move without analyzing it first. So to not have a plan feels…” tears rushed to her eyes and she tried hard to push them back. “It feels really bad.”
Tosh put his arm around her and herded her to the couch. “You need to talk. Listening is my specialty. Spill.”
“I messed everything up, and you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that.”
“I think I probably do.”
“Yeah, probably. You seem to get me. Not many people do. I thought I was ready for marriage with Robert, but he turned out to be a first class idiot. Then I got into some trouble.”
“What kind of trouble?”
“Financial trouble. It was stupid, okay? I know that now. I took out some loans and ran up credit card debt. Everything is due at once. Lacy won’t give me the money. My parents won’t give me the money. Grandma probably would, but she doesn’t have it. I want to do better, but how can I prove that when no one will give me a chance? And I could get arrested. I could go to jail. I would be a felon, and none of that bothers me as much as the fact that you’ve seen me cry twice. I never cry, not really.”
“I know. You’re very brave. You’ve got the whole world on a string, everything in place just like you want it, only now the string is starting to fray. Things are falling apart, and you don’t know why.”
She nodded.
“Do you really not know why, Riley?”
She twisted her fingers together in her lap. “It’s because I manipulate everything. I’m a taker. Lacy’s a giver. It’s why people like her better. I know I’m not a nice person. Maybe I could be better. Maybe I could be nice someday, but not while I have the threat of prison hanging over my head.” Even though she was being more real than she had ever been with anyone, she didn’t think he would judge her. His heart was pure; she had never met anyone like him before.
His arm was still around her, his thumb mak
ing gentle circles on her shoulder. “I’ll loan you the money.”
She blinked at him. Had she heard him wrong? “You don’t know me.”
“I think I do.”
“My own family won’t give me the money. Doesn’t that tell you I’m a bad risk investment?”
“I don’t think anyone is a bad risk investment. I have faith that you’re going to turn out all right. And if you don’t, then all I will have lost is a little bit of money.”
“It’s a hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”
“That’s not so much,” he said.
“You really are rich.”
“Don’t hold it against me,” he said.
She rested her head on his shoulder. She felt different with him—whole, content, peaceful. The clawing need for more was gone, at least temporarily. She didn’t have to be the prettiest, the richest, the most fashionable, the funniest, the most desirable. She was just Riley. The longer she sat there, the more she realized she had no idea who that was. Who was she? What did she want? What did she really want outside of the latest Coach purse or Prada dress?
“Tosh,”
“Mm.”
“What do you want? I mean, not right now, but what do you want in the long run, in the grand scheme of things?”
“I want to know that my life made a difference. I want to have meaningful relationships. I guess it sounds corny, but I want to be a husband and a dad.”
“You’re on track to achieve all those things.”
“Am I? I haven’t dated anyone seriously since college. The only woman I’ve cared about in years doesn’t want me. I live in a small town that knows my business before I do. I’m almost thirty with no prospects, and if you want the honest truth, I’m lonely.”
Riley knew too well what it meant to be lonely. She had always been lonely. “You know what’s more lonely than being alone? Being in a group of people who don’t know you at all. Everyone thinks I’m some party girl. In reality, I’m this small town person who misses my family. My favorite memory is decorating the tree at Grandma’s house, but I’m supposed to say that my favorite memory was being crowned homecoming queen or cheering for a Big Ten game or something equally as important.”
He rested his head on hers. “We’re a couple of sad losers.”
“You are neither sad nor a loser. You have a career that fulfills you. You’re adored by the entire populace here. So what if my sister didn’t choose you? She’s always been a little weird.” She paused. “If it were me, I would have chosen you.”
“Liar.”
“I’m serious. Jason is…I don’t know. He’s too pretty.”
“Gee, I feel loads better about myself. Thank you.”
“That came out wrong. He’s just…there’s something off about him, like he has a dark side or too much baggage. I can’t put my finger on it and it doesn’t make sense because he was Mr. Popular, but I wouldn’t go for him. Too much work. You have it all together. You’re emotionally available. You’re stable. You’re the total package.”
“Not that this isn’t doing wonders for my ego, but for someone to be the total package, I think he has to be nice looking.”
“Maybe I think you’re the most attractive man I’ve met since my college crush. So there.”
“Well, maybe I almost fell all over myself the first time I saw you poking your head out of your grandmother’s house. Take that.”
“You are such a liar. You were so into Lacy you couldn’t see straight.”
“Not true. A man always notices beautiful women. I happen to have a special appreciation for them. In fact, I consider myself a connoisseur.”
“Now you sound creepy.”
“The point is that I find you attractive,” he said.
“As I find you attractive,” she said.
“So we concur.”
“Indisputably.”
“Now you can go on your merry way knowing that somewhere in the world some pastor has a secret thing for you. You’ll sleep well at night while I’m stuck here alone imagining you with some billionaire mogul. Life isn’t fair.” He pounded his fist on the couch.
“No, what’s far more likely to happen is that you’ll meet some sweet and kind woman who’ll sweep you off her feet with her killer apple pie and impressive storehouse of Song of Solomon knowledge. You’ll be married and on your way to being a dad in no time while I become a Tennessee Williams character, desperately trying to regain my lost youth and appeal.”
“There’s only one solution as far as I can see,” he said.
“What’s that?” she asked. Her heart was about to thud out of her chest. She felt as giddy and inexperienced as she accused Lacy of being.
He kissed her. He had meant it to be a gentle kiss, she could tell. But that wasn’t what happened. Like the night before, she had an out-of-body reaction to him. She could see herself beginning to lose control, but she couldn’t stop it. And, like before, Tosh was the one who came to his senses. He literally jumped to the floor, landing hard on his hip and shoulder, and then he rolled to the door as if he were on fire and trying to douse the flame. Once he was safely on the opposite side of the room, he stood and held up both hands as if to ward her off, as if she might pursue and attack him. Judging by her wild reaction to him, it was probably a smart precaution.
“I can’t do this,” he said.
“Because you’re in love with Lacy?”
“What? No. Because I took a vow of abstinence.”
“Oh. When you say ‘vow,’ are you being hyperbolic?”
He shook his head. “It’s the sort of ‘May God Strike Me Dead’ type of vow. Plus, there’s my congregation to consider. I’m a community spokesperson for abstinence until marriage, which would be a little funny, if you knew my past, but nonetheless, it’s what I’m committed to now. I can’t go back on that, even when I really, really, really, really want to. Really.”
“Obviously we’re going to have to get married,” she joked.
He laughed, but it was a nervous, stress-filled chuckle accompanied by a dab of sleeve to forehead. “I’m sorry. This is the first time the issue has presented itself.”
“There were never any moments like these with Lacy?”
“No. I mean, I kissed her a few times and she gave a halfhearted response, but it was never like this. This was…” he motioned toward her, and she mentally filled in the blank.
Explosive. Thrilling. Exhilarating. Terrifying. Intense. Exciting. “Tosh, what if I was only sort of joking about the marriage thing?”
He was still mopping sweat from his forehead. “What?”
“Stick with me here because I’m not a spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type person, but I think I could marry you today and be happy for the rest of my life.” She clapped her hands over her mouth, wishing the words back in. What was she doing? Had she lost her mind? She didn’t do impulsive things like this. She did not throw herself at men she barely knew.
Tosh left the safety of the door and eased a few steps closer. “Riley…”
He was going to say no. He was going to let her down easy, to tell her he wasn’t interested, to say Lacy was his one true love. It was too soon. She was insane. “Forget it,” she blurted.
“I wish I could,” he said. “For some reason I can’t explain, it suddenly seems like the best idea I ever heard.” He inched closer, sat down, and hung his head in his hands. “What is wrong with me? I swore I would stop doing crazy stuff.”
“Maybe it’s not that crazy,” she said.
“We’ve known each other a few days and kissed twice. It’s crazy.”
“Maybe when it’s right, you just know it. That’s what everyone says is supposed to happen.”
“Everyone is wrong a lot. Do you know what the divorce rate is? Do you know what this would do to my congregation? I might lose my job. Lacy would freak.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “So this is about Lacy. I knew it.”
“Lacy is my friend
, and she’s your sister. This should be about her and everyone else we know. They’re going to think we’re out of our minds.”
“’They’re going to’ makes it sound like we’re actually going to do it.”
“That’s because we are,” Tosh said. He covered his face with his hands and rocked back and forth a few times. “Oh, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad.”
“Wait, what?” Riley said.
“I told you that I used to be a different person. I did crazy, off the wall things, especially for women. And every time I would get this feeling, like if I didn’t do the crazy thing, I would die. I got that feeling as soon as you said the thing about getting married. It’s like I know it’s probably the stupidest thing we could ever do, but I think we should. Right now. Tonight.”
“What?” Riley repeated.
He looked up with a scowl. “Are you reneging?”
“Reneging on what? I don’t even know what just happened here.”
“I asked you to marry me.”
“No, you didn’t,” she said.
“I didn’t? I thought I did. I’m sorry.” He dropped to his knees in front of her and took her hands in his. “Riley Steele whose middle name I don’t even know, will you do me the honor of committing the craziest act of insanity with me? Because I have a hunch you might be what’s been missing from my life for the last twenty eight years or so.”
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