He was a master manipulator. Alfie was breaking down my defenses. He was so close, and my heart ached for him.
He was the only man I’ve ever known who made me want to kiss his soft lips whenever I saw them.
My mind flew back to the first time he kissed me in the long grass on campus. My fingers automatically stroked my lips. I didn’t realize I was doing it until he sat forward on the couch, drawing himself nearer to me.
“You want me to kiss you?” My eyes closed. He knew what I was thinking, and I wanted nothing more.
My eyes flicked to his lips, then to his eyes. “No.” My voice was barely a squeak. I cleared my throat, but I didn’t get to speak before he did.
“I want to kiss you, Lily. I want to kiss you so fucking badly. I want to kiss you everywhere. I want to feel your fabulous ass in my hands as your pubic bone grinds against me, and your heels and nails dig into my butt in your effort to draw me closer. I want to strip you bare and lay you down in front of me. Look at you until I’ve teased myself so much that I can’t keep my hands off of you. I want to taste you, devour you. I want to tease and pleasure you, until you’re screaming my name and pulling my hair, while you drag those same fingernails down my back.”
He swallowed hard, and his voice this time was a thick whisper, so low I could barely make it out. “Most of all, I just want to be with you and love you and for you to want to be with me and love me back.”
I couldn’t stay passive any longer. I pulled myself forward on the seat and pushed myself to standing.
For all our flaws, Alfie and I did love each other desperately. There was no doubt in mind about that.
I knew if I touched him, it would be like igniting a passion, so fierce inside of us. We’d be powerless to ever extinguish it.
Chapter 15 – Last Chance
I pushed Alfie back against the couch and straddled him. His hands skimmed up my tank top and cupped my breasts as his mouth crushed mine. “Oh. God… God,” he growled, his body vibrating with want for me.
His hands dropped to the hem of my tank top, and he pulled it clean over my head, tossing it behind him, while his hands went back to give attention to my breasts.
His head leaned in as he took one in my mouth and sucked, deeply, greedily, as he looked up into my eyes. The passion in them was indescribable.
Seeing him there, sucking on my breast and looking up at me, sent my hormones into overdrive. I was so desperate with need for him. My hips gyrated in small circles over his huge solid mass, pressing hard into my wet panties.
He moved me in one smooth motion, pinning me on my back on the floor. The weight of his body crushed me, squeezing the breath out of me, until he took his weight on the forearms that were tightly drawn against my head.
He gazed longingly into my eyes, and I knew that whatever happened next would be something I would never be able to burn from my memory.
I had completely surrendered to the feel of him on me. I couldn’t believe that I had denied myself this for so long. Once I admitted that, I knew it was impossible to live without feeling like this.
The bands, Zoe, Luca, and the complications of our love didn’t matter at that moment. What mattered was us, being honest, belonging together. I had been in denial for years now. Not now. Not when the connection between us was so strong. We had to find a way. We’d regret it forever if we didn’t.
Alfie kissed me hungrily, fervently at first, before it slowed to a less breathless pace, but just as passionate. When he broke the kiss he asked, “Do you know how much I wanted to do that to you earlier in the club? I wanted to wipe that fucking guy’s taste from your mouth.”
Swallowing hard I said, “Don’t…” His mouth crushed mine again, and he dragged his tongue across my teeth, first the top, then the bottom.
“I hate that he’s tasted what’s mine.”
I struggled to free myself. “Stop…”
Alfie pulled back, but his stare was just as intense. “Tell me you’re mine, Lily. I need to hear it.”
His face was only inches away from me. His forehead dropped to rest on mine as our eyes locked. At that particular moment a wave of peace washed over me, settling the turmoil I’d been in for so long. I didn’t want to live life without Alfie in it a moment longer. “I can’t be yours until Zoe isn’t.”
Alfie closed his eyes and slowly bobbed his head. He took my hand and smiled slowly. “Anything, I’ll tell her tomorrow.” Just like that, she was surplus.
“So, what? You go home for one last fuck and tell her?”
Alfie rolled his eyes. “You might not believe me, but I told you, I haven’t had sex with her since I kissed you at the launch party. I haven’t even kissed her. I’ve been putting her off and was going to tell her I couldn’t have her around anymore.” My lips formed into a line on my face, taking in what he was telling me.
“You need to take care of her, Alfie.”
He smirked. “I already did.”
I bunched my brows. “You did?”
Alfie tilted his head back to face me and scowled, “Don’t I always face my responsibilities?”
I had to hand it to Alfie. His previous history with Kara, his deceased soldier friend’s girl, was proof of that. “What does that mean for Zoe?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “She already has a place. I set her up when she decided to come on the road with me.”
I watched how unaffected he was about letting Zoe go. “She’s also had a monthly allowance paid into her account, so she could walk away whenever she wanted. I don’t think she’s ever drawn a penny on that the whole time she’s been with me. She puts her clothes and anything else she needs on my card account. Zoe worked in retail and brought in minimum wage when she met me. So she was happy with the set-up between us. She knew it wasn’t forever. This just means she can get on with her life a little quicker is all.”
I didn’t like how easily Alfie could discard Zoe, but it told me that he really didn’t have an emotional tie to her. I pushed him to the side and sat up.
I fished around for my tank top and pulled it back on. “Time to go, Alfie. Call me when your relationship issues are resolved.” I pointed to the door, and Alfie stood slowly.
“You mean it? We’re going to be together?
I nodded. “Zoe,” I said, my head nodding in the direction of the doorway for him to leave.
“We’ll talk tomorrow. I’m going to need a lot of convincing, but you have bought yourself a hearing,” I said as I pushed him outside the apartment into the hallway and closed the door.
I was way too hyperactive to sleep after Alfie’s visit. At least I didn’t have sex with him. I needed some kind of reassurance the band wouldn’t be affected by anything I did. I owed them that much.
I showered and changed into some yoga pants and a little red tank and sat eating cereal. I was so apprehensive, but excited, about being with Alfie again. Above all, I prayed I was doing the right thing.
I needed my sounding board, so I pulled my cell from my purse and sent a text to Jack.
Lily: you are never going to believe what I’ m thinking.
It was 3:45am, and Holly wasn’t here, so I knew they were probably still at the club.
Jack : no fucking way…don’t do it! I’m coming home now.
Lily: huh?
Jack : you’re thinking of sleeping with Alfie…is he there? He disappeared about an hour after you did.
Lily: I’m not sleeping with him, he’s not here.
Jack: I’m glad about that, but we should talk. Don’t make any irrational decisions, it’s men that think with their dicks, Lily, and as far as I know, you don’t have one.
Jack: This, I’m assuming, is your saving grace when making decisions about Alfie.
I sat back smirking, tapping my cell on my chin. I knew Jack was going think that I was letting myself down.
He had no idea how incapacitated I felt when I wasn’t able to be with Alfie.
All of my friends were going to go ballistic when they heard I was going to give Alfie another shot.
At 5am Jack, Rosie, Holly, and Brett showed up at the apartment. I was still buzzing and couldn’t wait to see what the next day brought.
Holly told me that Alfie had left, and she couldn’t find her keys to the apartment. She had reported it to the front desk, and they were taking care of it, having new locks fitted tomorrow.
I couldn’t tell her that Alfie had let himself in here with them. She would hold herself responsible if Alfie had got back with me, because she had left her keys unattended. Depending on how this works out with him, I might hold it against her in the future as well.
Jack had called it just right but knew better than to talk about it in front of Holly. I knew as soon as he got me alone, I would have to give him the edited highlights of Alfie’s visit here earlier.
There was an entirely new set of issues to deal with at play here. I had to somehow make it all okay with the band, get the executives to agree to let us support Crakt Soundzz, and make that okay with my XrAid band members; not a short order.
My cell buzzed.
SEXPERT : I can’t wait to see you today. What time, where?
Pink Lady: Zoe?
SEXPERT : Drunk, Des has her in his apartment.
Pink Lady : Des?
SEXPERT : I sent him a text telling him she wasn’t coming back to my place again.
Pink Lady : When things are resolved with Zoe, contact me.
Jack tried to force my hand. “Who are you texting with Lily?” I smirked. Jack could be a sneaky bastard sometimes.
“Another, musician, why?” I smirked.
He shook his head. “No reason, just curious.” He rubbed Rosie’s back, and she turned and kissed him chastely. Jack smiled at her.
“Okay Rosie, as Lily won’t let me snuggle her butt when you’re here, I suppose you’ll have to do.”
I was annoyed with him. “Jack, please, that’s not funny.”
I looked at Rosie apologetically. Rosie smiled at me and winked. “Well, Lily, Jack thinks he has to perform when he snuggles with me.” She stared at him. “State he’s in? I’m betting he’s going to feel a tad pissed at himself when it’s just not happening down there.”
She stared at Jack’s groin. “Guess he doesn’t have any pressure to do that with you, huh?” I smirked at Rosie’s comeback, she was learning to deal with us, and I felt sure she’d only get better at dealing with us with time.
Everyone was slightly drunk and tired and turned in for the night. Jack and Rosie went to bed in the spare room, and I went back to mine.
I was lying in the dark when the door cracked open. “You still awake, Lily?” Jack’s smooth voice cut into the darkness. I sat up as Jack’s silhouette stood in my doorway and started toward me, but disappeared when he closed the door.
He pulled the sheet back and climbed in beside me, placing me in the crook of his arm. “You’re not done with that revolving door that Alfie has you in, Lily?”
“Jack, please…don’t give me a hard time. I’ve been fighting this for over two years and really…I think I would be fighting it for the rest of my life…like alcoholism or something.” Jack took a deep breath and held it, then kissed the top of my head before exhaling.
“Lily, I’ve never seen anyone fall harder for someone, like you have with Alfie, and deny themselves at least a chance with them.”
I nodded looking up at him, barely making Jack’s face out in the dark. He smoothed my hair and tucked a strand behind my ear.
“If you do this Lily? You have to be sure this is what you want. I’m saying this because I love you, not because I don’t, someone has to. You can’t keep turning the passion on and off around Alfie. It’s not fair, you’re playing with some pretty heavy feelings that he has for you.”
I felt really annoyed. I stiffened, and Jack squeezed me tight, and I relaxed again in response. He was talking about how Alfie felt. I had been through some rough times in the past couple of years with him.
Jack sighed. “I know what you’re thinking Lily. You can stop that right now.” I moved away from him, plumped my pillow, and leaned my head against the headboard.
“You know what I’m thinking now?” Jack snickered and tried to uncross my arms from my chest to take hold one of my hands, but I resisted and pulled it away.
“Sure I know. You’re thinking I’m taking Alfie’s side blah blah…but I’m not. Think about it. How many times have you got back with him and left again? It had to have made his life hell. He’s done all the running, and you’ve shot him down so many times, it’s a wonder the poor guy can stand at all now.”
I’ve never seen it that way. He was definitely the one that did all the running, but at the same time, I was the one that said he didn’t want to have a relationship with me.
No wonder I was so confused by him. Jack’s voice broke into my thoughts. “What about his girl? What happens to her now?” He was thinking like me. The last thing I wanted was to see someone homeless because her boyfriend wanted to walk away.
I explained what Alfie had told me, and Jack sat still, listening to the story about their arrangement. “Well I’ve heard stranger things, Lily. I still think you’re gonna get a rough time from all the guys in both bands about you both trying to make this thing work again.”
I could feel tears welling again, and I was done shedding them about my love for Alfie. “I’m really scared Jack.” There I said it. “I can’t see this having a happy ending for anyone.”
Jack scooted up and leaned against the headboard next to me. He crossed his legs and slid his arm behind my neck then cupped my shoulder pulling me into his side.
He sighed heavily and sat silently for a moment. “You’re scared to try because it might not work? Don’t you think you’re overthinking things all the time, honey? What happens when people date?”
He didn’t let me answer before he went on. “Sometimes people date and get married; sometimes they date for a long time then split; sometimes they have a date they absolutely never want to repeat…I know plenty about that one.”
He chuckled, and his thumb grazed up and down my bare upper arm. “Lily, honey, you have to take risks with love. It doesn’t come around very often…not the kind you and Alfie have. Rosie and I, we have a kind of love where she affects me in here.” He tapped the center of his chest with his middle finger. “We’re good together, but I don’t really know if we’re great you know?” I didn’t, but I nodded anyway.
“The question for me isn’t what might happen in the future with us, Lily, it’s do I feel enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her? I’m really not sure about that part.”
One of the things I loved about Jack was that he has always been able to see the trees and not just the wood. Tell me what you feel, Lily. Is that what you’re scared of?” I nodded.
I smiled in the dark, because he had just simplified my question for me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t envision spending the rest of my life with Alfie, I could.
The question was whether I could be with him and play music. There was more to it as well. I have a dilemma about taking Alfie up on his idea of us supporting his band. What happens if we were to split? If… it didn’t work out. I couldn’t ask the guys to change the arrangement, because I wasn’t in a relationship anymore.
Jack pulled away from me. “Okay, you need a plan B in that case.” I sat wondering what could possibly be a backup if things went wrong. “Hmm, you’re too clever for me, Jack, but I have an idea. I don’t know if I have the guts to make the call, but it might just give me a little security in all of this if I can.”
Chapter 16 – Striking a deal
“What if…I ask Rick if he can share our band with Alfie’s?” Jack
chuckled and bent his leg, digging his heel into the mattress and rolling his body on its side, pulling himself further up the headboard, so that he was completely upright facing me now.
“Who’s Rick?”
I smiled at Jack. He was slow on the uptake because of all the alcohol he’d consumed tonight. “Rick Fars,” I said flatly.
Jack snorted. “You’re just gonna call Rick Fars? Cobham Street, Rick fucking Fars?”
Chuckling at Jack, I said, “Sure, I have Rick’s number, and he has mine. He’s going to check in with me periodically to see how I’m doing. He said I could call him for anything.”
I knew that this conversation between us would be relayed to David, our friend in London and an avid Cobham Street fan. He would go ape shit that I had Rick Fars’ phone number.
Jack shook his head. “Don’t call him, Lily. Alfie’s one thing; Rick Fars would eat you for breakfast.”
I wasn’t that impressed with Jack’s assessment of Rick. He had no idea how nice of a person he was, but I didn’t feel like protesting his innocence. Maybe at some point, Jack might meet him and come to that conclusion on his own.
At 6am, Jack snuck back into his own bed. I half worried that Rosie was going to wake in the night and find that Jack had come to my room anyway.
That would have been awkward, and I’m not all that confident we’d be able to convince her. Jack and I were just talking about my love life. After Jack left, I fell into a fitful sleep and didn’t wake again until 2pm.
When I woke, I lay staring at the ceiling thinking about what Jack had said. I plucked up the courage and decided to put in a call to Rick. I was nervous to talk to him, but he had said “anytime”, so I felt that this was ‘anytime’.
I explained everything to Rick. He was surprised to hear I was thinking of getting back with Alfie. He did disclose he found the sexual tension radiating off of us hot in itself.
Rick thought I was being smart about not wanting to make the band exclusive to Crakt Soundzz. I doubted whether the guys would go for that anyway.
Everything I want: Will Alfie and Lily's love survive?... Page 13