With a nod of her head, Belle agreed. "And it got worse. When Mark learned I was leaving, he wanted to divorce his wife, and marry me." Belle's fingernails dug into Kate's palm. "I wanted to, oh, how I wanted to, but I couldn't."
"Why not, Mamma? If Mark didn't love his wife?"
"He loved his God. I knew if I married him, I was condemning him to a life of torment."
Kate whispered, "Oh, Mamma."
"Your grandmother didn't want me to take the new job. Can you believe that? Not because of Mark. I never dared tell my mother about him. Grandma was so old fashioned. She thought my being an executive instead of a secretary would make me less of a woman." Remembering brought a smile to Belle's lips. "Your grandma said: 'Belle, you will go off up to Dallas and get to be another one of those crowing hens.' I thought she was crazy."
"A crowing hen?" Kate could feel her mother's misery, and it broke her heart. Through her tears, she quipped, "I didn't know hens ever crowed."
"They aren't supposed to," Belle's bottom lip quivered. "but it happens every now and then. Grandma had a saying about a whistling woman and a crowing hen always coming to a no-good end. 'Stay home, find a good man and get married.' That was your grandma's advice to me. I couldn't stay, and I couldn't tell Grandma why, so I went off to Dallas, and became what Grandma said I would."
"A crowing hen?" Kate understood, for the first time, her mother's despair. "Mamma you did not!"
"I became a wheeler-dealer executive. I never found anyone else to love, not even anyone else I wanted, until Cody came along. Somewhere between the next board meeting, and a stack of unanswered mail, life passed me by. The next thing I knew, a company executive was asking me if I'd like to take an early retirement. I suddenly realized I was sixty-two years old, and alone."
"Mamma," Kate chided, "You had me."
"You didn't need me. You had your children, and Jim." Belle hunched her slim shoulders. "So I retired and went to Cedar's to die."
"Mamma," Kate's voice wobbled as she swallowed over the lump in her throat. "you went to Cedar's to live."
"No, Kate, that's where I went to die. I began to know how an old elephant must feel when he'd found his graveyard. Cedar's was a dying ground. The residents there were sitting around waiting for death to catch up to them."
In the warm air, Kate shuddered, "Mamma you never told me you felt that way."
"You never asked."
"I never dreamed..." How thoughtless she had been, how unfeeling.
Belle brushed Kate's words aside. "Don't start blaming yourself for anything else. You're already carrying around enough guilt for two people. You should congratulate
yourself. You're the reason I got guts enough to leave."
"Me?" Kate asked, surprised again by Belle's admission.
"Yes, you. I saw what a mess you were making of trying to live, and I decided I had to stop dying and start to live again, so you would. I thought up the idea of moving back to Paradise. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I found Cody."
"Mamma," Kate whispered, "I owe you an apology."
"For what?" In the darkness, Belle narrowed her eyes.
"For being such a rotten kid?" Kate was too choked with emotion to voice her true feelings.
"You're the rotten kid who saved my life. Apology accepted."
"Why are you going to see a doctor, Mamma? Are you worried about birth control?" Kate jibed, "There's a pill you can take now."
Belle's laughter rang out. "You are a rotten kid. We have to get blood tests. Then, later in the month we will drive over to the County Seat at Pleasanton, and get our marriage license. Birth control pills." Belle hooted. "You really do have a smart mouth."
"When did Cody propose?" Kate watched the cabbage moon drift across the sky, and understood for the first time why knowledge could not overstep the bounds of experience. She had thought she understood her mother so well. How little she had actually known.
"What makes you think he proposed?"
"Mamma! You didn't."
"No, but I would have if he hadn't. He asked me today, just after we made love."
Kate's eyes widened in amazement. "Mamma! You didn't!"
"We did, and it was wonderful. Why do you think I sent you off to town with the neighbors?"
Kate fell back on the porch, and feigned a faint. "It's a damn good thing there is no history of weak hearts in this family, since it's apparent that you intend to bring me to the brink of total seizure at least once a week for the rest of my life."
Standing, Belle offered Kate her hand, and pulled her to her feet. "You're swearing again. Kate. Go to bed. It's late and you have to learn to ride a horse tomorrow"
"After I get the hang of riding a horse," Kate pulled the screen door open. "I'm going to plan a wedding. Where do you want the ceremony to take place Mamma? I'm sure we could hire a hall or a party house in St. Agnes."
"I want to be married right here, Kate, under the big oaks in the back yard."
"I have to write Michael and Sharon." Kate shut the door, and pushed the lock down.
"And Suzie," Belle questioned, "What about Suzie?"
"Maybe I'd better wait and see if Suzie answers my letter." Kate hurried into her bedroom, and shut the door. She was too physically weary and emotionally drained to discuss Suzie tonight.
As she dressed for bed, Kate wondered how she could have had a role model like Belle, and failed so miserably at being a mother herself. She drifted into a sound sleep, thinking that maybe Belle's coming marriage would be a way to begin again with Suzie.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Kate held on to Ringo's reigns, and tried not to look down, as she swayed in the saddle, and listened to Hank's instructions. "Touch the reins to the right side of his neck, if you want him to go left, and to the left side when you want him to turn right. Pull back gently when you want to stop. Give him a little nudge in the flanks when you want him to go."
"You make it sound easy." Kate complained.
"It is, once you get the hang of it." With one graceful movement, Hank mounted his horse, a black stallion called Diablo. "But remember to always mount from the left." Kate swallowed her apprehension, and gave Ringo a tap with her heels. He moved at an easy gait across the lot, and onto the open field beside the house.
"Some teacher you are," Kate called out as Hank stopped and waited for her to catch up to him. "You just said, 'Get on and ride', then you rode away."
"Stop complaining, you're riding him, aren't you?"
"No thanks to you." Kate relaxed a little, and found she was enjoying this new experience.
Hank's amused chuckle sounded in her ears. "That's gratitude."
They rode for several minutes in silence, passing through a clump of trees, and into an open area. Wild flowers wove through the grass that covered the ground. To their left a small herd of cattle grazed along a gentle rise. As they came nearer, Kate observed, "There are tags in both ears of every one of your cows. Why?"
"We keep records on each cow," Hank explained. "and you can't keep records on a cow, if you can't identify her." He sat tall in the saddle, relaxed and completely at ease. "And some of the calves that these cows drop this spring will be yours. They will have to be tagged too. Sit loose in the saddle, and relax."
Kate loosened her grip on Ringo's reins, "That's easy for you to say. What do you put on the tags?"
"Each tag has a herd number."
Kate would have sore muscles tomorrow that she didn't even know she had today. "Are the tags identical?"
"Yes. That's a safety measure. If an animal loses a tag, the other tag is there, and you can still identify it." Standing up in his stirrups, Hank surveyed the rolling countryside. "We'll be at the line shack soon. It's just over the next rise. You can rest there."
Kate had no idea what a line shack was. She opened her mouth to ask, then snapped it shut again. She would ask Belle when she got home. "Do you make this ride every day?"
"Somebody has to in t
he spring, when the cows are dropping calves. The rest of the year, twice a week is enough." Hank pushed his hat back. His hair gleamed silver in the sunlight. "An animal could be caught in a fence, stuck in a mud hole, or have trouble calving, so somebody checks every herd every day. Ranching is a business, Kate, without proper equipment, efficient management, good organization, and a great deal of back breaking work, the business fails. Anyone who takes up ranching with the idea that it's a gentleman's occupation, is in for a rude awakening."
They rode over the rise and into a gully that held yet another a herd of grazing cattle. Hank swung from his saddle. His feet hit the ground while the animal was still moving. "Dismount, Kate. I want you to get a close look at Pretty Boy."
"This critter doesn't have a brake. Give me time." Kate was trying to remember Hank's instructions about how to stop. She pulled back on the reins. "Whoa, horse."
Hank reached for Ringo's bridle and pulled him to a slow halt. "I keep forgetting what a greenhorn you are."
Kate swung one leg over the saddle and eased to the ground. "Who is Pretty Boy?"
"He's my prize bull." Hank caught Kate's hand, and led her toward the grazing herd. "He's right over here. I want you to see him."
Stopping a few feet from the huge animal, Hank beamed with pride. "Look at the length of him, Kate."
"He looks like the monster from Beauty and the Beast." Kate tamped down an urge to put some space between her and the lumbering giant. "Aren't you afraid he will charge?"
"Pretty Boy? Not a chance."
Head down, ignoring the onlookers, the bull continued to graze.
"Look at him." Hank squeezed Kate's hand. "That strong neck, and long head mark him as a prize bull. He's not post legged nor sickle hocked. The truth is, Kate, he's a real beauty."
"Then beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Kate retorted. She tried to pull her hand away.
Hank held on to Kate with one hand, and took the reins of both horses in the other, then began to lead then all toward the cabin that stood a few yards away. "There's a wood stove in the line shack. We can make a pot of coffee, and eat lunch."
"Is it noon already?" Kate couldn't believe the morning had passed so quickly.
Hank glanced skyward. "It's past noon." He tied the horses to a hitching post beside the door, and reached for his saddle bags. "About one o'clock."
Kate rubbed her backside with her free hand. "Time does fly when you're having fun." But she felt, as her eyes swept across the rough terrain and came to rest where the blue sky bent to meet the distant hills, an empathy with the father she had never known, and a kinship with his unfulfilled dream.
"You're very quiet. What are you thinking?" Hank lifted his saddle bags from the back of his saddle.
"Mamma says this country grows on you. I was thinking maybe she's right."
Hank pushed the door open, then stepped back and waited for Kate to enter. "I'll start a fire in the stove." He tossed his saddle bags on the table, and pointed toward the makeshift cabinet. "You make the coffee."
Kate found the coffee pot and coffee. "What do I use for water?"
"It's in the can on the table." Hank was putting sticks of wood in the stove.
"Does someone live here?" A bed in the corner and a store of staples in the cabinet made Kate wonder.
"This is a line shack." Hank struck a match on the leg of his jeans and held it to the kindling in the stove. "We'll have a fire here in no time."
"What is a line shack for?" The words she hadn't intended to ask were past her lips before she could stop them.
Hank adjusted the damper on the stove pipe. "I thought you'd never ask. It's a shack built along the fence line to store tools and supplies. When we're mending fences, sometimes some of the cowboys spend the night there."
Kate put the measuring spoon down on the cabinet, and turned to glare at him. "How did you know I didn't know?"
"The way you looked when I said line shack." He was laughing at her. "You wanted to know, but you wouldn't ask."
"I did ask; I just asked." Kate slammed the lid down on the coffee pot.
"But you didn't intend to. It just slipped out."
"You don't know that." She used her hand to sweep stray coffee grounds from the cabinet. "How can you know that?" A smile pulled at her lips. "Maybe you are psychic."
"Nope, just observant." Hank chuckled. "You're not very good at hiding your feelings."
"You sound like Jim. He used to say, 'Kate, you make a terrible poker player. The way you feel always shows in your face'. " Pausing, Kate thought, with a touch of dismay, that remembering didn't hurt. She set the pot on the stove. "Mamma could always tell when I was lying, too. She still can."
"Is your mamma adjusting to ranch life?" Hank emptied the contents of his saddle bag on the table.
"Surely you jest." Kate's eyes were alight with laughter. "Mamma could adjust to living on another planet."
"She sounds like a remarkable woman." Hank was sorting through the cans of food that he that had rolled from his saddle bags. "Look over in that box and find a can opener."
Kate found the opener, and handed it across to Hank. "Remarkable doesn't even come close to describing Mamma. She's also stubborn, opinionated, shrewd, and unpredictable. Living with Mamma is a little like riding a roller coaster. You have to keep your seat, and hold on for dear life, but it's one hell of a ride."
"What a comparison, Kate." Hank motioned with his hand. "Look in the cabinet and get some coffee cups."
"Good Lord, I'm beginning to sound like her. Mamma's analogies are the pits." Kate set the cups on the table.
They ate beans and drank black coffee, with Kate recounting some of Mamma's more daring escapades. "To put it in her own words, Mamma is a caution. You never know what she might do next."
After the meal, Kate washed the tin cups and plates in water from the can on the table. As she was putting the clean plates on a shelf in the cabinet, Hank came to stand directly behind her. "You're fair at surprises yourself, Kate."
He was too near. Kate took a step forward, and hit the edge of the cabinet. "I don't know what you mean." But the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach told her she knew exactly what he meant.
Hank pulled her around to face him. "Your mouth says one thing, your delectable body says another." He took her in his arms, and very slowly lowered his lips to hers. The kiss lasted for precious seconds, and was sweetly seductive. A surge of unwanted passion, coupled with indignant rage, shook Kate.
Clamping down on the emotions that could be her undoing, she pushed Hank from her, ducked under his arm, and fled to stand in the center of the room. She was too shaken to be anything but boldly blunt. "Is that what you brought me up here for? A little sex in the afternoon?" Her ill concealed anger seeped into her shaking voice.
Hank seemed genuinely surprised. He dropped his hands to his side, and leaned against the cabinet. "If you'd give me a chance, you might like it. I know how to please a woman."
So he had brought her up here with the thought of trying to seduce her. Kate didn't know if she should be flattered or furious. "Do you honestly think I came up here because I want to go to bed with you?"
"You're the most uptight female I know. You need something to make you loosen up."
"Loosen up?" His smug arrogance stung her. "Loosen up?" Her voice rose. Swinging her arms, she began to walk around the room. "You bring me to a shack, feed me beans, let me wash the dishes, corner me at the sink, try to seduce me, then when I refuse, you lecture me about the therapeutic value of sex?" She threw both hands in the air, and shouted, "My God, you are one arrogant, conceited bastard."
"And you are a very desirable woman, especially when you're angry." He began to walk toward her. "Damned if I can figure you out."
Kate struggled to get a grip on her outrage. "Back off cowboy. Don't come near me."
He stopped, his spurs giving a little ringing sound as his boots dug into the floor. "Relax, if you can do that. I'm not going to
rape you. I'm not even going to ask again. I don't go around forcing myself on women, Kate. I don't have to."
She believed that. A twinge of contrition moved in to chase away her anger. Quite unintentionally, she had wounded his pride. "I meant no offense. It's nothing personal." She felt a pressing need to explain. Lacing her hands together, she rested them under her chin. "It's just that..." Taking a deep breath, she dropped her arms to her sides. "In a way, I'm flattered but... How can I say this?"
Hank straddled a chair, and rested his arms on the back. "Spit it out, Kate."
"Sex is not a game with me." God! That sounded trite and straight laced. "It's tied up with commitment and trust and caring. I can't just jump in the bed and...you know, do that." A small shudder ran through her body. "Anyway, sometimes it doesn't work for me."
"Are you telling me that after all those years, sometimes your husband couldn't get it right?"
"It wasn't his fault." Kate couldn't believe she was standing in the middle of a line shack floor discussing her abysmal sex life with a virtual stranger. "It was me."
"How can you be sure if you never tried it with anyone else?" His smile was derisive. "One marriage, one man, Isn't that what you said?"
"Casual sex is repulsive to me."
"Do you want some kind of commitment from me?" Hank stood up and shoved the chair under the table. "You're looking at a man who never lets passion put words in his mouth. I don't make promises I know I wouldn't keep. Are you ready to go?"
"Not until I make myself clear to you." Kate drew herself up to her full height. " I don't want anything from you, Hank, no commitment, no promises, and most definitely no quick roll in the hay." She turned, and stared at the wall. "You would have been disappointed, anyway. I'm not good at that sort of thing."
"Says who?"
"The only man who really knows, my ex-husband." The pain that accompanied that admission cut through Kate like a knife. "We can go now." She took a step toward the door.
"Maybe you should get a second opinion."
She turned slowly, and met his amused gaze, "If I ever decide to, I'll let you know." then took a deep breath. "Until then could we be friends? I don't want to fight with you."
Barri Bryan - Return to Paradise.html Page 9