by ChaShiree M
“You’ve already seen it.” I say deadpan as I set the kit down.
“I know, Angel. It has been a long time though. Maybe I’ve forgotten.” He says smirking.
I pause and rub my chest, but the phantom ache won’t go away. I am not sure how long I stand there like an idiot, but he grabs my wrist and rubs the back of my hand.
“Kitty, I was joking. That fine view is not something I could ever forget.”
I nod. When did I become that girl? The one who cannot speak her mind. It must be the baby. It’s the only thing that has changed in my life. Don’t get me wrong because I have never been happier. Maybe it’s El.
I start using alcohol to clean his pec. “How do you want this?” I ask. It’s a simple, less than ten-minute tattoo.
“Ornate.” He says. I nod and snap my gloves into place. Believe me, the irony of gloving up now is not lost on me. I don’t typically wear them when I tattoo my brother for instance, but I don’t want this to be anything less than professional.
“This doesn’t require a stencil for me, unless you’d be more comfortable with it.”
“I am good with whatever you want.” He says leaning back.
I get the gun going and start putting ink into his skin. There is something euphoric in knowing that something I’ve done is going to be worn on someone forever. It makes me happy.
“How are you feeling?” His chest grumbles as he speaks under my fingertips.
“Ugh, I’ve had hellacious morning sickness El. It’s not pretty.” He laughs as I moisten the tat and saran wrap it up. I clean my station up quickly and the last thing I do is toss my gloves.
“Don’t laugh at me.”
“Have you had anyone to help hold your hair back?”
“What are you asking me?” He can’t be asking me what I think he is. Why would he care?
“You been with anyone else?” At least he looks ashamed that he is asking me that.
“Are you kidding me, El? You have no right to ask that. None, at all.”
“The baby you’re brewing tells me otherwise, baby.”
“Fine. I have not. I cannot believe you would think I could jump into bed with someone else. Not after giving you all of me. Fine, since we are talking and you’re saying we are doing this, have you been with anyone else?”
“I don’t think that, but I had to know for sure. And no, I haven’t been with anyone else. You are all I’ve thought about in the last two months.” He says with sincerity.
I don’t know what to say except to blurt out, “Well you better keep it that way, because I am liable to stab you.”
“Ok, Kitty. Message received, loud and clear. Have you been to the doctor yet?” He says, bringing us back to the important part of the conversation.
“I have. I’ve been once to confirm the home test I took and my due date.”
“Which is?”
“Around May 11th. I don’t expect anything from you El. You don’t have to…” I try to get it out, but he cuts me off.
“Kitty, cut that shit out right now. I am pretty sure I told you out there that this is happening.”
“I know. But I couldn’t live with myself if you only felt obligated to be with me, because of our baby.”
“Kitty, I’ve been all over Moosehead looking for you since the minute I woke, and you were gone. I have bugged the Crawford’s almost every damn day. Not one of those fuckers would tell me anything. Had I known you were only ten minutes away, this would have been settled a long time ago.”
I cannot help the smile that spreads over my face. He pulls me down to him and I cannot help straddling him. I am thanking anyone who will listen, that I didn’t skimp on the chair I bought for in here. Tatting everyone from big bad-ass bikers to tiny college girls who want tramp stamps, these things got to be durable.
I can feel his hard length through his jeans. The skirt I am wearing today is hiked up to my thighs, as his hands find my ass. He grips me and my panties are practically useless.
He flinches when I touch his chest and quickly I realize I’ve grabbed his tattoo.
“Shit! I’m sorry El.”
“No worries, Angel.” His voice is gruff and does things to me.
I moan as he rolls his hips, with his cock grinding against my clit. He takes my mouth to eat my moan. I cum without the skin to skin contact and it surprises me. He pulls back from the kiss and I rest my head on his shoulder as he rubs my back in slow circles. I am mortified when my stomach growls loudly.
“Let’s go and get you fed, baby. What sounds good?” He asks.
“What about you? I thought you would want to fuck me.” I whimper. What the fuck is wrong with me. I am not anyone, who would normally whimper.
“We will talk about that later. Our baby needs nourishment.” Again, this man makes me swoon. I smile and kiss him again.
“Pizza. Let’s go to Papa Joe’s. It’s down a few storefronts.” I say, deciding on what to eat. Pizza has been one of the only foods that has remained kind to me. Pizza and apples.
“Pizza it is. How much for the tattoo?” He asks reaching for his wallet.
“On the house.” I reply because there is no way I could charge him for such a sweet tattoo. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d probably do something hokey, like get a matching one. When I look back at him, he has already put his shirt back on. What a shame. I grab my purse off the hook by the door. When he grabs my hand and leads me out into the reception area, I notice the phone is ringing off the hook. It’s after hours, but it reminds me that it does this all-day long.
“Damn, we need a reliable receptionist. Jazzy never comes in on time or stays the whole day.”
“No pressure or anything, but my sister is looking for a job. She won’t work for me.”
“Send her in. Miles does all the hiring.”
“That would be good. I’ll have her come in tomorrow.”
“What’s her name? I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll leave him a note.”
“Carrie-Ann.”
“Perfect.” I say as I finish the note. I shut the lights off and we head out to Papa Joe’s.
Anchovies are calling my name.
This woman is lucky I love her. Watching her eat those damn anchovies and smelling them is making my stomach turn. There is no way I will tell the woman carrying my baby, she is making me nauseous. Beside the anchovies, I am enjoying sitting here and staring at her face. After months of feeling I would never see her again, I will take her anyway I can get her. For now.
To be truthful as happy as I am to see her, I am also pissed. Clearing my throat and putting my pizza down; I ask the question that has been nagging at me for the past two hours.
“I do have a question.” She drops her slice of pizza and slowly raises her head to look at me. She can feel the tension coming off me, because she is now fidgeting and biting her bottom lip in nervousness. As much as I want to tell her not to be nervous, the truth is depending on her answer, I might lose my shit. So, all in all, she should be nervous.
“Ok. I’m listening.” She says.
“Were you ever going to tell me Kitty? Or were you going to let my kid think I am a deadbeat. Shit. Did you think about me even once when you found out? You did a bang-up job of blocking me from you. But I have to wonder was that before or after you found out my seed was growing inside of you?”
Fuck. I am getting more worked up than I meant to. Looking around the restaurant, I see a few slight glances our way. Immediately I realize I should have waited to do this once we left, but it is burning in my gut and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. No. Fuck that. I have every right to be pissed. Was she going to keep my kid from me? Keep me from being a father to a life I help to create? Pushing my plate away, I pull out my wallet and note she has not gone back to eating either.
“You about done? I don’t have much of an appetite anymore.” She nods her head, reaches behind her for her purse and sets off towards the door. Throwing some bills on the table, I take long strides to go aft
er her.
Once I walk outside, I see her leaning over the door of the truck with her shoulders visibly shaking. For a moment I think she is throwing up. But when I get a bit closer and hear the sniffling, I know she is crying. I feel like a piece of shit, for a split second. Until I remember, I am not the one in the wrong. But still, hearing her cry does something to the inside of me.
I pull her from the door and into my chest. Instantly, my blood pressure goes down and a sense of calm comes over me. Having her in my arms is unlike anything I have ever known. It brings back all the memories from the one night we spent together.
“Shhhh…. don’t cry baby. I’m sorry Angel. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No, El. Your right to be upset. And the fucked-up part is, I cannot say to you that I planned on telling you. I would like to think once I had a chance to get used to the idea and to come to terms with all the ways my life was going to change; I would have come to you and let you know. But given what I went through with my parents, I am not sure. And I know that is fucked up. I feel horrible about it. You deserve more than that, but it is all I got.”
Shit. Listening to her cry and sniffle her way through the confession, almost brought me to my knees. I am as manly a man as you can get, but there is no man alive worth his grit; who could withstand his woman crying her eyes out in front of him. Her confession, though a bit messed up and given through tears has my ire cooling and mind clearer. She was scared. Plain and simple. Given that we don’t know one another, and she has no reason to trust me; beyond the fact I have been inside her, worshipped her, and am more than a little in love with her. I get it.
“Thank you for being honest baby. I am sorry you had a fucked-up childhood and hopefully you will begin to trust me enough to confide in me. But most of all, I want you to see that I could never hurt you, leave you, or betray you. I will always put you and our baby first. Now come on. Wipe your face and hop your sexy ass in this truck so I can take you home. I would love nothing more than to fuck you and brand you tonight. But I think you have had enough emotional upheaval for one night and I don’t want to upset the baby.”
Like the little brat she is, she smiles through her tears, blotchy red face, and snotty nose and rubs her nose on my shirt.
“Did you just rub your snot on my shirt?” I ask her to try to hide my smile but failing miserably.
“Yes. You told me to wipe my face.” Brat. I kiss her forehead, lift her into the cab and drive her home. Pulling into the building, I put the truck in park and turn to her.
“Tomorrow, we are going to start the day the way we intend to go on. When you wake up in the morning, know that you are my woman and I am your man. You are carrying my baby and the two of you are my first, priority. You will not leave me out of anything. Do you understand me? I want to know about doctors appts, morning sickness, problems, fears… basically anything. We are going to make this work and be a family. I am going to try to slow down a minute and give you a chance to catch-up, but I cannot promise you it will be very long. Now slide your ass over here and give your man a kiss.”
I do as I am told and slide my ass over then lean over the console in order, to kiss his sexy mouth. I don’t deserve this man and I am certain I never would have told him about his baby. My childhood was fucked up and I really thought I could do better on my own. I may be wrong, but I still don’t want to chance it. It is a risk that would be better left untaken.
‘We should talk.” I say after pulling back from him and physically suppressing the moan that wants to escape.
“I don’t like the sound of that baby.” He says, with a grim smile.
“Then you really won’t like what I have to say.” I say folding my hands in my lap.
He pulls my left hand into his.
“Whatever it is, just tell me. I can handle it.” He squeezes my hand,
I take several deep breaths and begin.
“My father, Christopher was a good man. He loved my mom, Kathleen very much. When Miles, Dexter, Chip, and I came along he loved us too. They seemed like the perfect couple to people on the outside, but no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. He controlled everything. And I do mean everything. A lot of my knowledge is second hand from Miles, but I saw things too. He controlled her access to the money. Including the money, she had before they were married and the inheritance she got when my grandparents unexpectedly died in a car accident. He controlled when she could go to the store, what she wore, and who she could be friends with. It was claustrophobic and to my little mind, I could only imagine how she felt. He wasn’t as bad with me and the boys, but I definitely felt it and saw a glimpse of my future looking at my mom.”
“Kitty, I-” El begins.
“Please let me finish. I have to get this all out.” I say as I furiously wipe my tears with both hands.
“Ok. Continue.” He says as he nods.
His jaw is clenched as is his hands, which are resting on his thighs. Is he mad at me? I hate when people are mad at me, but him especially. Deciding I need to think about that later, I shake my head and begin again.
“When I was six, my mother decided to go back to work and had given him an ultimatum. Either she was going back to work, or she was leaving him. Something about being stifled. He must have relented because she did go back. She had been an architect and met my father when he hired her firm to design his office building. She had designed a lot of schools and parks in St. Paul. This was her first major assignment.”
“When she went back to work, it went well for a few months. Then one day in September, she had a meeting with a client after hours. My father followed her and discovered it was a male. He freaked out and rushed home. When she got home he shot her and then himself. His suicide note spelled out all the mindfuck games he played with her. He also talked about, because they started the same way, there was no way she wasn’t looking for another husband. Basically, he let his jealous nature take control and he thought she was cheating on him. I believe he loved her, but it was warped and not healthy. I cannot do that to myself and I won’t do that to my baby.” I shudder.
“Our baby.” He says, softly.
“Our baby.” I correct myself.
“That is awful, baby. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but your father was a sick man before he did the unthinkable. He had to be in order, for it to manifest in that way.”
“I know, but that isn’t the worst of it.”
“It isn’t?”
“Chip, my little brother who was just a baby and I were in the car when he followed her. We were at home when he did it. Miles was away at med school in North Carolina. He is seventeen years older than me and Dexter is only eight years older. He was at baseball practice. My dad put us in my room and put on Toy Story, kissed us and shut the door. Twenty minutes later after some shouting, I heard what I now know was the gunshots. I burst out of my room and saw my mom first, laying in a pool of blood. He shot her twice. Once in the chest, and once in the head. Next to her and holding her hand was my dad. He shot himself in the head. That image is forever burned in my brain.”
“Jesus Christ. You were a just a little girl. You shouldn’t have seen that.” He says. He’s right, but at this point words don’t matter.
At this point, my tears are flowing like waterfalls. He pulls me across the console and onto his lap.
“Can you please take me home? I am going to need some time. I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be and I won’t be controlled. I can’t. It would break me, El.”
“Of course. I don’t want to break you, Kitty. I want to love you and want us to be equals. I need you and our baby in my life. If we can’t be together I will understand, but please know that isn’t healthy either.
“You think I don’t know that, El?” I say as I bang my tiny hand on his broad pecs. “That I don’t know how I’ve let this shape every single romantic decision I’ve ever made? That I stayed a virgin for so long? That I never want to fall in love? Th
at my older brothers do the same fucking thing, albeit they fuck everything that moves, and my baby brother has so much rage that I don’t even know how he copes with it. Believe me, I fucking know how fucked up I am. I don’t need you to tell me any damn thing.”
“Oh Kitty, baby. I love you” He says caressing my hair.
I can’t bring myself to say it back, though I do. I am an awful person and feel this thing is looming over me and holding me hostage. Leaving, El as the collateral damage. I kiss his firm lips again, before pulling back and looking into his green eyes. He seems genuine, but I really need to think, and I cannot do that when he is near me. He makes me so hot.
“Take me home. I need to go home, now.” I think I am going to be sick, so I open the driver’s side door and get down off his lap. I make it to the back of the truck before my extra anchovy pizza comes back up. El is right beside me, holding my hair back like the good man he is. He is rubbing my back too. When I have nothing left in me, I stand back up and walk around to the passenger side. El helps me in and shuts the door before getting in and starting the truck. He drives me to my apartment building.
“Where is your phone?” He asks as he pulls his out of his pocket.
I grab it out my purse, which I left on the floor before and unlock it.
“My number is 651-783-4356. Please call me.” I do and watch him save my number. I kiss his cheek, because ya know I just ralphed.
“I am going to go now.” I say.
“Call me if you need anything. Ice cream. Pickles. A foot rub. You have a wedgey. I will do anything, be anything you need me to be.”
I can’t help laughing.
“I will, El. I promise.” I say getting out and leaving him behind. It doesn’t feel right, but I need to be by myself right now.
When I lock myself in my tiny barren apartment, I slide to the floor and cry until I have no more tears left. Afterwards I get in the shower and try to wash my hurts away. It doesn’t work. I give up and drag myself to my bed and think every man, especially El whom I love, is just like dad. The pain is deep and hasn’t yet healed and maybe it never will.