by Penny Jordan
Over their head Tania gave Ann an embarrassed look.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she apologised afterwards. ‘I’ll explain to Lucy that she can’t expect Tom to make her a stencil.’
‘Of course he’ll make her one,’ Ann assured easily. ‘And, what’s more, you and I will paint it on her walls.’
‘I’ve already accepted so much help from you,’ Tania protested shakily. ‘I really feel—’
‘Well, don’t,’ Ann cut in. ‘After all, that’s what life is all about, isn’t it? Helping others, passing on kindnesses and favours…and besides, this relationship with your Lucy is good for Susie. With being the youngest and the only girl she’s tended to be a little too docile and dependent. I’m only too delighted to see her coming out of herself and trying to boss Lucy around,’ she chuckled. ‘Now, we’ve got exactly ten minutes before they start to arrive. And I suggest we use it to dose those butterflies of yours with a large glass of wine…’
* * *
Perhaps it was the wine, perhaps it was the relief, perhaps it was simply the warmth and kindness she could feel radiating out towards her from the people around her, Tania reflected an hour later as she allowed herself to acknowledge the almost beatific state of happiness which she was experiencing.
Everyone had been complimentary about her new venture, promising support and patronage. Her window display had been admired, her buffet eaten, her wine drunk. The reporter from the local paper had promised to do an item on her, adding that she would certainly bring both her girls in for their school shoes.
‘They’re just at that age when they loathe anything of which I approve,’ she confided. ‘So I’ll probably have to bribe them into accepting a pair of sensible, suitable-for-school shoes with something a little more acceptable for going out.’
‘I think we’ve got the very thing,’ Tania assured her, mentally reviewing her stock.
She had anticipated that people would stay for an hour at the most but as yet no one was showing any signs of wanting to leave and she was glad that Ann had persuaded her to buy in those extra bottles of wine.
Totally absorbed in her duties as hostess and in her anxiety for the success of her business, she was completely unaware of how much she herself was attracting people’s attention.
Normally she dressed for warmth and practicality and so she was oblivious to the fact that her slender elegant figure was causing quite a stir among her male guests.
Others weren’t, though, and more than one woman noticed approvingly that, although Tania was stunningly attractive with the unfair added advantage of a gorgeous figure, she was plainly not the kind of woman who intended to capitalise on her looks, and that she seemed to prefer female company to male. Approvingly they decided that they need have no qualms about including her in their social circles, dismissing their initial wariness when they had discovered the newcomer was an unmarried woman of twenty-nine with a ten-year-old daughter.
Everyone was entitled to one mistake, was the general consensus of opinion, and those rogue males who had attended the party, in the hope that Tania might be the kind of woman who enjoyed indulging in the odd emotionless sexual adventure, soon realised that such hopes were in vain.
The only person who had not put in an appearance at her party was Nicholas, which in the circumstances was hardly surprising. Naturally he would not want to add fuel to Clarissa’s fire by attending the party and Tania was quite frankly relieved by his absence.
And then some second sense made her look up just as the shop door opened and three people walked in.
She felt the blood clog in her veins as she recognised Clarissa’s diminutive figure in between those of her husband and her stepbrother.
She was clinging equally grimly to both dark-suited arms, her face set in petulant, bitter lines as she said loudly, ‘Honestly, Nicky, I don’t know why you insisted on bringing us here. Poor James will be bored out of his mind. I mean, what on earth interest is some poky little shoe shop to us?’
Everyone had gone silent, but, instead of being embarrassed, Tania found that she was actually coldly angry. Very angry.
‘Nicholas,’ she said smoothly stepping forward to welcome him, ‘And you’ve brought your wife…’
Her tone indicated that Clarissa’s presence wasn’t entirely welcome or expected, bringing a dark flush of anger to the blonde’s face.
‘Tania, this is James—’
‘Yes, I’ve already met your brother-in-law,’ Tania interrupted him carelessly, deliberately turning her back on James. ‘I’m afraid there’s hardly any food left, although we can probably rustle up a glass of wine.’
Again she allowed her voice to indicate that it was immaterial to her how affronted or offended they might feel at this offhand hospitality.
‘Oh, come on, Nicky,’ Clarissa raged immediately, her voice thin and whiney. ‘Don’t let’s stay. It’s the most dreary affair,’ she added spitefully, glaring at Tania.
Nicholas flushed but stood his ground. ‘You go if you want to, darling,’ he suggested quietly. ‘But I rather think I should stay. Tania is, after all, a client.’
Tania held her breath, recognising immediately what he was trying to do, and wishing that he had chosen anyone but her with whom to arouse Clarissa’s jealousy.
Indeed she was so cross with him that she darted him an indignant sparkling look which was bodily intercepted by James who stepped between them, saying coolly, ‘Since we are here, it would be churlish of us to leave without at least inspecting Ms Carter’s wares.’
He was, Tania knew, being deliberately insulting. She felt her skin burn as his glance slid slowly and deliberately over her body, whilst Clarissa said gleefully and maliciously, ‘Oh, I doubt she’s got anything to offer that would interest you, James. James is used to only the very best…of everything,’ she told Tania nastily.
Tania stared at her. She was almost shaking with fury. Behind her she was aware of people’s covert interest and was only thankful that at least they could not overhear what was being said.
‘Really?’ she responded acidly. ‘You do surprise me.’
She had the pleasure of seeing Clarissa’s mouth drop open. James Warren’s spoilt stepsister obviously wasn’t used to people fighting back, she reflected grimly. She was so used to using her stepbrother as a shield—a battering ram—that she thought she could hand out her insults with impunity.
‘Nicholas, perhaps you’d help yourself to wine,’ Tania suggested coolly. ‘I must go and attend to my other guests.’
She turned away from them and was astounded when Nicholas reached out and placed one hand on her arm.
‘You’re looking very lovely tonight,’ he told her softly, but not so softly that his wife and his brother-in-law could not hear.
Tania was furious with him. She pulled her arm away and hissed under her breath. ‘Stop it, Nicholas. Save your compliments for your wife, if you don’t mind!’ But it was already too late. Clarissa was glaring at her with venom and fury, while James was regarding her in a way that made her heart drop like a high-speed lift wrenched free of its moorings.
In the end the unwelcome trio stayed just a little longer than half an hour, and, although Tania did as much as she could to keep as great a distance between them as possible, she could feel James Warren’s concentration on her. It created a prickle of unpleasant tension at the base of her neck and made her ache to turn round to see if he actually was watching her or if she was simply imagining it, but she refused to give in to her need or to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his appearance had upset her.
He had threatened her and, despite her innocence, she was afraid of him, she recognised. It was almost as though the power that emanated from him reminded her in some deep-rooted psychological way of the physical power Lucy’s father had used against her when he’d compelled her to have sex with him.
It wasn’t that she feared James Warren in the sexual sense. Clarissa had been right about one thing, she reflected
grimly as she tried to concentrate on the conversation going on around her. James Warren would certainly curl up his fastidious mouth at the very suggestion that he might want any kind of sexual intimacy with a woman like her. No, it was a different kind of fear: the protective fear of a mother for her child when she knows that child’s security is threatened, the very natural fear of any human being when it knows it is weaker than its aggressor.
She was afraid that somehow he would make good his threat and destroy everything she was trying to build here, and, no matter how much she assured herself that he wasn’t God, that he wasn’t omnipotent, it wasn’t until the three of them had actually quitted the shop that she felt able to release a shaky breath of relief.
‘Well, I never imagined you’d get a visit from James,’ Ann told her admiringly. ‘Of course he does tend to take a patriarchal interest in everything that goes on locally. Even so…’
They were on their own. Everyone else had gone but Ann had insisted on staying behind to help Tania clear up.
‘Clarissa and Nick didn’t seem too happy, did they?’ she gossiped cheerfully as she gathered up the used glasses. ‘Mind you, I’m not surprised. He should never have married her. She’s far too spoilt, and I doubt that she ever really loved him. It seems such a shame, though. She ought to be idyllically happy—a good, generous husband, those two lovely boys, a beautiful home…’
‘And a doting stepbrother, who’s prepared to step in and wave his magic wand whenever necessary,’ Tania suggested acidly, causing Ann to frown and then grin.
‘I think you’ve got your characters mixed up. It’s the fairy godmother who has the wand, isn’t it? Although, I grant you, James has been very generous with her, which can’t really help poor Nick. James Warren would be a hard act for any man to live up to.’
‘Really? Of the two of them I prefer Nicholas,’ Tania said curtly, and then bit her lip as she saw Ann’s astonishment. What on earth was she doing? Comments like that could only add dangerous fuel to the fire Nicholas had so stupidly lit under her.
‘You do?’ Ann was plainly astonished. ‘I think we’ve got all the glasses now. Shall I wash?’ she suggested, mercifully changing the subject.
CHAPTER FOUR
AT THE end of the week, the morning before her shop was due to open, when a very good piece appeared about her venture in the local paper, Tania recognised the wisdom of Ann’s insistence on her pre-opening party, and generously she said as much when she and Ann were discussing the newspaper piece over a cup of coffee.
‘Yes, it is good, isn’t it? Well, let’s keep our fingers crossed that your potential customers will be equally impressed. By the way, I wanted to have a word with you about the girls. They’ll both start back at school soon. How about me taking them both and collecting them in the afternoon for the first week? Just to give you time to get on your feet. I think that Lucy feels happy enough with us now not to feel that you’re neglecting her in any way.
‘Once you’ve seen how the business is going to work, we can make some other arrangements. Our two are the only ones attending school from here, so I’m afraid it isn’t a chore we can share with anyone else.’
‘That would be great, if you’re sure you don’t mind. I’m going to have to think about how I can work things so that I can get Lucy to and from school, and it’s been something that’s been worrying me. In the morning it isn’t so bad, but I can hardly close the shop for an hour in the afternoon while I collect her, and as for letting her come home on her own, these days…
‘Quite,’ Ann agreed, adding firmly, ‘I don’t even allow the boys to come home on their own, although both of them are beginning to pester me to allow them to ride their bikes to school. Perhaps next year in the summer when we’ve got the light evenings back… You never feel you can do the right thing by them, do you? Too much protection and you feel you’re smothering them, not allowing them to grow and develop; too little and… Well, it’s every parent’s nightmare, isn’t it? And every time you open a paper these days, you’re confronted by the reality of children’s vulnerability.
‘By the way, I don’t know if you’ve had any thoughts about it yet, but if you find you need a Saturday girl I’d like to suggest my niece. She’s helped us out in the past, and I can recommend her. She’s a sensible girl, intelligent, pleasant.’
‘It is something I’ve been considering,’ Tania agreed. ‘But I want to see how business goes first.’
They parted ten minutes later when Ann announced that it was her day for doing her large supermarket shop. She groaned as she picked up her jacket.
‘I dread it.’
‘Me too,’ Tania agreed. ‘And I always end up with a trolley which has four wheels that all want to go in opposite directions.’
After Ann had gone, she reread the article, but the warm glow of elation it gave her soon faded as her mind returned to the unpleasant scene with Nicholas and his family.
She could understand his feelings, but she wished he had thought of using someone else to bait his trap with. Surely Clarissa must have girlfriends whom he could equally effectively have used? Maybe he could even have persuaded one of them to play along with him in the knowledge that ultimately they would be helping their friend’s marriage to grow and strengthen.
This involvement in someone else’s life was a complication she just didn’t want. Especially when it was going to bring her into confrontation with James.
At the party, when he had looked at her in that cold, contemptuous way, his eyes bleak and grim, she had been surprised to discover just how unpleasant his cold-eyed scrutiny had felt. She tried to shrug the knowledge aside.
It was true that it was unusual for her to react so intensely to a stranger’s opinion of her. She had learned very young to cut herself off from the negative emotions of others. She had had to when she was pregnant with Lucy. She had been subjected to so much disapproval then, so much anger and criticism.
The authorities, no doubt with mainly altruistic motives, and in the knowledge of the problems ahead of her, had tried to persuade her to have Lucy adopted. She well remembered the anger and disbelief which had taken the place of the earlier avuncular if slightly condescending kindness of her male doctor when she had refused to accept his advice. She would be facing many many problems if she went ahead and brought Lucy up alone and she would be facing them alone, he had warned her severely. She had remained stubbornly silent, reflecting that she was used to facing life’s problems on her own and that he was wrong. She would not be alone. She would have her child.
Perhaps the attitudes she had come across then had left a message indelibly printed across her brain that other people’s disapproval was something she must learn to live with. Certainly she was not used to reacting to it in the way she was reacting to James Warren’s.
Was it perhaps because she knew she was being unjustly accused, that his opinion of her was completely erroneous and unfounded? But why should that bother her? He wasn’t a man she knew or was likely to know in any personal sense. He wasn’t anyone who was likely to play an important role in her life, so his opinion of her whether good or bad scarcely merited the mental attention she was giving it.
Was she really afraid that as someone of importance locally he could if chose adversely affect the success of her business?
Yes, that was probably it, she told herself thankfully. It was silly to allow herself to feel that her feelings were involved on a more personal level, that his disapproval touched upon her deepest-held convictions about herself as a human being, as a woman… That in falsely accusing her he was someone leaving her defiled emotionally in the same way that Lucy’s father had left her feeling defiled physically.
She had long ago come to accept that while her one and only sexual experience had been unpleasant it was not necessarily indicative of the attitude of the entire male sex. In fact whenever she came across a couple like Ann and Tom she discovered within herself a small ache of regret that fate had not allowed her t
he time to discover that the world held men who treated their sexual partners with respect and generosity. Lucy’s birth and her struggle to support them both had left her with neither the time nor the inclination to admit anyone else to their small and enclosed world.
For a long time she had been highly suspicious of all men, and then by the time she had grown through that and occasionally allowed herself to accept the odd date with the men who asked her out she had been wary of allowing herself to get involved, having seen the effect of any such often temporary relationships on the children of other single mothers.
She didn’t want that kind of pain for Lucy. She didn’t want her daughter giving her love and trust to some man, substituting him for the father she had never known, only to have to go through the trauma of losing him when his relationship with Tania came to an end. And pleasant though her odd dates had been there had never been anything about the men concerned to make her want to continue the relationship.
She had long ago come to the conclusion that she had a very low sex drive, or that she had been so traumatised by Lucy’s conception that her natural female instincts had been effectively cauterised.
Occasionally, though, when she was watching a film or reading a book, something in the relationship between the two lovers would affect her so deeply that she was left with a tiny ache of pain and loneliness, an indistinct longing for something she had never personally experienced but which she knew instinctively must exist.
That was natural enough and acceptable if somewhat uncomfortable. What galled her now though was that there had been a moment, a second or so, the briefest span of time the other night when she had looked at James Warren, had unwittingly focused on the shape and curve of his mouth and for some reason had experienced the shattering discovery that there was a dangerous and perverse curiosity inside her to experience the sensation of that hard mouth moving against her own.
She had shut herself off from such thoughts immediately, physically taking a step back from her antagonist as she fought to subdue her shocked outrage.