"How?" she asked. She wasn't just asking how. She wanted to know the how, the why, the when.
"My dad died on February sixteenth. Two days after Valentine's Day. In the grand, fucked-up tradition of trying to forget how fucking painful it is to lose your parent, I started drinking."
Winter covered her mouth to muffle the gasp of horror. Few things probably scared her more than hearing about someone going on a grief-fueled bender.
"It wasn't very effective. I knew it early on, but when you found me a month later, I was just figuring that out. I figured out that women, booze, acting like a goddamned fool in general wasn't going to make that ache go away. You…when I saw you at the café and you smiled at me, I thought to myself, if Winter Donovan can get her fucking life together after her parents died, after her sister abandoned her, then so can I. Then you sat and talked to me. You listened as I droned on and on about nothing and everything.”
"Is that how it happened with Ivy too?" Her words were icy cold, and the look on her face terrified me. There was nothing there, like she'd already severed me from her heart.
"No. I'm not going to say you saved me, even though it felt like it, but you made me realize how weak I'd been, and I could have gone one way or another that night. If you hadn't been there," I shuddered, "I'm not sure where I'd be today. And when we left the café, you rocked my world. It wasn't just the sex, although that had been spectacular, it was everything else. The way you saw right into the heart of my grief, the way you held me. I ran from that because what you made me feel was too strong for me to handle in that moment so close to Dad's death. I was scared of love."
"And you're not now."
I tipped her head up and longed to kiss her, but I couldn't. Not yet. "No, my fear now is losing you."
I waited for a response, any response, but I was met with a stare of indifference. I took a deep breath and went on. "Day after Dad died, I was at a twenty-four hour drugstore not so far from my house. I saw Ivy there."
"She mentioned that."
"We got in my truck. We drank. I passed out. She passed out. When I woke up, it was after midnight. I called Adam because I knew I shouldn't drive. He came and got us, and Ivy had us take her to some place north of the city."
"Tanya's," Winter murmured absently.
"Yeah.” The name rang a bell. “A small girl, not much bigger than you. Run down place."
"Gnomes in the yard?"
I thought back to that night. It was such a blur. "Maybe? Anyway, I went home and didn't think about it. Not even when I saw you because it had been such an unimportant night. I felt guilty, yes, because I knew you'd be disappointed that I allowed her to drink alcohol with me, and I swear to you at any other time, it wouldn't have happened."
"Are you…did you…" She couldn't bring herself to say the words.
"No!" I nearly shouted the word. "I swear to you. When I woke up, my pants were zipped. All her clothes were on. You can ask Adam, who found us. We were totally on opposite sides of the truck. Front bucket seats." I jerked a finger behind me as if the truck itself could back me up.
She looked over my shoulder at the passenger side and shivered. She was envisioning two people having sex up there, and it wasn't the two of us.
"Stop. Don't think that way." I fumbled with my phone and dialed Adam. "Here talk to him."
"No, I don't want to." She turned away, but I needed her to hear this.
"Adam," I barked into the phone. "Tell Winter how you found me and Ivy. Everything. Don't leave a word out."
He answered immediately. "They were piss drunk. Ivy was passed out. They were both completely clothed. The truck smelled like alcohol and that's it. Ivy woke up, and I drove her to the north side to some chick's house that had a lot of garden gnomes in the front. Freaking scary if you ask me. I took Finn back to the house and poured him into bed."
She didn't respond, and the silence went on so long Adam thought we'd hung up on him.
"Hello? You still there?" he asked.
"You know the difference between men and women, Adam?"
"I know some differences, but I'm guessing my answers aren't the right one."
She continued as if he hadn't even said a word. Her dark eyes were glued to me. "A woman is out all night and comes home. Her boyfriend asks her where she’s been. She says with friends. Boyfriend calls the ten girlfriends on her favorites list. All of them deny going out with the woman. The man is out all night and returns home in the morning. Girlfriend demands his phone. She calls the ten male friends on his recent call list. Eight of them say that he slept over, and two say that he was still there."
Adam didn't respond right away. "I promise he's not with me, but he did sleep here last night."
I laughed because it was too fucking pitiful not to laugh. Either that or cry.
"Thanks, man," I said.
"No problem. Finn's a good guy and cares a lot about you, Winter," Adam said. "Don't let anyone else tell you differently. I've known this fucker for twenty years. Hell, we probably ate each other's snot in kindergarten, but dude wouldn't lie about this. He doesn't have to, and if you think about it, just for a minute, you'll realize that."
He hung up, and I was left with Winter, her doubts, and her deceitful but broken sister upstairs.
"Do you believe me?" I asked the important question.
She looked up to the stars as if the constellations held clues as to how her universe worked.
"Why does she say it's you?"
"Convenience? Coincidence." I shook my head. "I don't know if she knows who the father is."
"But she's told you she thinks you're the father."
"She's thrown it in my face, yes, but again not seriously."
She still didn't look at me. I wanted to grab her chin and force her to look me in the eyes and tell me to my face that she didn’t believe me and that she didn’t love me.
"Do you want to be the father?"
"No, but not because I don't want to be a father. I do. But not with Ivy. Not with her."
She ducked her head, and it broke my fucking heart that she couldn't look me in the eyes. That she no longer believed me "Winter." I reached for her, but she flinched away.
“Maybe you aren’t the father. Say I believe you. We still can’t be together. Ivy is a mess. She’s a fucking disaster up there. I can’t hold you and her at the same time.”
I shook my head. “This is what she wants you to believe. She’s manipulating you. How long are you going to pay for her mistakes?”
She choked back a sob but stepped away before I could reach her. “It’s not just Ivy I have to worry about now. It’s her baby. Fetal alcohol syndrome is terrible. I’ve got to keep her dry.”
I drew on a store of patience I didn’t know I had. “But it doesn’t have to be you,” I said. “There are others who can help her.”
“No.” She wiped her hand across her face. “Ivy has always been there for me when it counted. When Eli Shorthaven said my face was flat because I fell off the monkey bars too many times, it was Ivy who punched him in the face. When that asshole in tenth grade said he would never date a chink, Ivy was the one who stuffed a dead fish in his trunk.”
“That was me, actually,” I interjected, remembering Ivy raging about how some punk was mistreating her sister.
“Oh.” Winter looked confused for a moment. Then she barreled on. “Still, Ivy’s been there for me. I’m her only family. Don’t you see that?”
I didn’t—or at least not in the way Winter wanted me too.
“Who’s not the first wife now?” I challenged.
She stared at me, tears rolling down her face, but she still turned away. I wanted to follow her in, but I knew I'd only make things worse.
24
WINTER
"Finn's here," Tucker said. His words made my hand jerk and the tattoo gun went skittering across the skin making an ugly jagged black mark.
"Dammit," I cursed, wiping the mark ineffectually.
"I
can tell him to leave." Tucker drew his finger over the faery wings I was drawing. This was part of Cecilia's design. Cecilia was a dancer at Riskie’s who’d had her career derailed by scarring. Jimmy had demoted her to waiting tables, and Cecilia claimed that if I could do an art piece on her body to disguise her scars Jimmy would put her back on the stage. She was also the mother of two really adorable toddlers.
I’d decided if Cecilia could strip and be a good mom, so could Ivy. I hadn’t informed Ivy of my conclusion yet. She and I were barely talking. More accurately, she was talking and I was ignoring her.
The design was a fairy garden with creeping vines and hidden winged creatures. On paper, it was gorgeous. How it would translate to her skin, I wasn’t sure. Tucker suggested I try out each small part and then move on to putting the components together. My graduation project would be Cecilia. She was thrilled because the tattoo would be free. Me? I felt ready to puke at the idea of putting the needle to someone's skin.
It was hard enough doing the pigskin.
"I really suck at this," I muttered, turning off the gun and ripping off my gloves.
"You've done it for four weeks," Tucker countered. "You're supposed to suck at this. When you first started drawing, were you any good?"
I laughed. "Yes, I was awesome. I started drawing with a pencil when I was three, and I was so good my mom enrolled me in art classes before I was even potty trained."
"You'll get better," he replied encouragingly. "I'm sure."
"But I don't know if I want to?"
He cocked his head. "What would you want to do?"
I hadn't thought about what I really wanted to do in a long while, not since I’d learned that a bachelor’s degree was out of the question because Ivy'd spent our money on drugs. "I don't know. Maybe be an elementary school art teacher like my mother. Something to do with art. I’d like to take classes to get better at graphic design so that I could take better and higher-paying projects."
"Why don't you do that?"
"Because it's expensive. I can't afford it, and I love it here."
"So get a scholarship or loans and work here doing commissions. Even if you moved on to something else, we'd still want you here."
"You would?" My mouth fell open.
One eyebrow arched high in disbelief as my surprise. "Yes, you'll still be part of the Atra family no matter where you go or what you do. You've been a big part in building this up." He waved his arm. "Hell, I'd probably still be stuck in that strip mall on the south side if not for your artwork."
I felt hot tears prick the back of my eyes, and I blinked to keep them from falling. "I wouldn't have ever made it through Ivy's incarceration if it hadn't been for you guys here."
Tucker crouched down in front of me and swiped his fingers across my eyes. The tears had leaked out despite my efforts. "And we will continue to be here for you. We love you, Winter. You're part of us. You may have lost your parents. And your sister's kind of a shithead, but this is your family now. You of all people should know that it isn't what's in here," he tapped the vein on the top of my hand, "that defines the family, but what's in here." He rubbed his hand over his heart.
I swiped my hand under my nose. The tears were streaming out of me, and my nose was getting snotty. "Do you still have that extra room available in your apartment?"
I could hardly believe I was asking, but every night when I went home, I felt Finn’s loss so keenly that I literally ached. Not just in my heart—my entire body hurt. And Ivy buzzed around like her meltdown hadn’t happened.
I was beginning to hate her. The sound of her voice grated on my ears. The way she rubbed her hand over her belly had me scowling. Every little thing she did bothered me these days.
I’d never felt like this when she was addicted. Mostly I wanted her to get better, but now I needed to get away from her before my well of love for her ran dry. As long as I wasn’t with Finn, she seemed okay with the fact that we were barely talking and spent most of our time avoiding one another.
"Yeah."
"If I went back to school, it would be very expensive, and I’d need a cheap place to live."
"If you cook for me every night in that uniform from Riskie's, you can live there rent free."
I slugged him hard but then threw my arms around his neck. "Thank you."
He gave me a brief hug in return and then set me back down. "What about your sister?"
I gave him a bitter smile. “I don’t know, but I bet as long as I stay away from Finn she’ll be fine.”
“You know she’s manipulating you.”
“If it was only Ivy I had to worry about, then maybe I would say fuck it, but she’s pregnant. Even if she’s really bluffing, what if I’m wrong and set her off on a bender that damages her baby? I’d never be able to live with myself.” I stood and emptied out the ink from the gun. "I need to go home and pack. Can I meet you at your place in an hour?"
"Sure. So what should I say to Finn?"
"I don't care what you say to him." I hardened my heart. One of these days I'd be able to hear his name and not feel like I was going to break apart. One of these days I'd be able to look at him and not remember what it was like for him to touch me, kiss me, love me. One of these days I'd think of him as a good memory. But not today.
If I saw him, I’d cave. I’d run into his arms, and then what would I do with Ivy?
Tucker told Finn to leave, and I hid in the back until I was given the all clear. Then I left too, driving to the bank, making arrangements for a new account, and then driving home.
Once home I made one phone call. After I finished with that, I packed my suitcase, stuffing the remaining belongings in a laundry basket and two boxes I'd borrowed from work. I stuffed it all in the Honda and waited.
Finn dropped her off at five thirty. I watched from the window as he parked, illegally, in front of the entrance to the complex. He got out and opened the door for her. He didn't reach in and pull her out like he did with me. Instead he held on to the door, watching as she slid out of the seat. Once she was safely on the ground, he looked upward and waved—a short, choppy gesture that said he was watching.
He had probably called and tried to text, but I’d blocked his number. Not because I didn't want to hear from him, but because I knew I was perilously weak where he was concerned.
Ivy was out of breath when she opened the door to the apartment. She'd have to find a place with either an elevator or an apartment on the ground floor. But that would be her mess to take care of. Or Finn's if he was willing to help her.
"Hey, you’re home already. How come you didn't come and pick me up?"
"I had things to do." I rose from the sofa and walked over to the hook where my purse hung. I pulled out the bank book and handed it to Ivy.
She turned it over. "What's this?"
"It's your checking account."
"I don't handle the money in this family. You do." She shoved it toward me.
"Not for you, not any more. I'm moving out."
"What?" she cried. She pushed by me and ran to my room. I heard drawers opened and slammed shut. The closet door creaked as she opened it. She ran back. "What’s going on?"
"I'm moving into Tucker's extra room."
"What about me?" She threw her arms open wide. “What about your niece or nephew?”
"Margo says there's a church family she knows who will take you in if you don't want to live by yourself or if you don't feel you can." I drew in a shaky breath and then another. This was really hard. Margo had said it would be hard. She’d offered to come by and hold my hand, but I had said no. The Donovans, both of us, were going to have to learn to stand on our own two feet.
"A church family? Wait, you were talking to my sponsor?" Bewilderment colored her tone, and she stumbled back, her hands falling to her side.
"Yes, I talked to your sponsor. I told her that I couldn't stay here with you, and she said there were a few options for you including this family."
"Why are
you acting like this?" Her hands reached for me, but I stepped aside.
Margo had told me to be honest.
"Because I love both of you, and you both hurt me very badly. I need time away from you so I can remember how much I do love you. You are killing my love for you. I have tried so hard to be strong for you, Ivy, because you’ve been there for me. But I can't do it any longer. My whole life has been sacrifices so that you could get well. But I cannot be the staff you lean on every time you feel weak. Because you don't feel weak occasionally. You feel weak all the time."
"I can't believe you’re abandoning me. You’re leaving me like trash on the corner."
I wiped the tears from my eyes. "You need to learn not to say things like that to me. I closed our joint account. You have enough in savings to pay your rent until you have your baby. That's about five months. It's all the money we have left from Mom and Dad. I'm taking the car. It's an even trade."
"Winter, don't do this to me."
If she had said one word about me, I might have stayed, but she was stuck in her own world and her own bubble. Margo had been thrilled when I’d called her, saying it was the thing that Ivy needed to move on. "I'm doing this for both of us," I said. I could barely get the words out. My throat was clogged with so much emotion, so much love and fear, that it threatened to choke me.
"You’re being a selfish bitch," she raged. She stepped forward, and her four inches on me felt looming and intimidating.
"Yes, I am. I love you, Ivy. But yes, for once I'm being selfish." I picked up my purse and walked out.
When I got to Tucker's, everyone was there—Omar, Gig, and Rachel. Rachel held me while I cried, and the guys made homemade pizza.
25
FINN
Winter wouldn't talk to me. I called and texted but got nothing back. I guessed she was either ignoring me or blocking me. Either way I was shut out. Ivy came to work every day, to my surprise. At first she’d looked smug, and then one day—the day after I’d showed up at Atra—she came in looking shattered.
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