Rae.
I forced myself to use her name. She wasn’t just some girl; she possessed something that I never could—his heart.
And this was wrong.
I abruptly pulled away. “I can’t.”
He leaned back, panting, as beads of water ran down his face. I expected him to argue, but he didn’t. He just stared down at me, as if waiting for an explanation.
I continued rambling. “It’s just that these stitches—Doc said not to submerge them and well, I’m pretty sure that this counts as submersion.”
I’d been cleared for weeks and the stitches had dissolved even before then, but I couldn’t give him the real reason without revealing my duplicitous behavior.
Charm nodded and began paddling toward the edge. “I’ll just grab your clothes.”
He climbed out and shook himself off, still refusing to make eye contact with me.
I was trying to lighten the somber mood that had settled over us, so I said the first stupid thing that popped into my head. “That water is ridiculously cold, isn’t it?”
He glanced down at the front of his boxer briefs and then scowled. “It wasn’t that cold.”
I hadn’t meant it like that, but I snorted with laughter regardless, before slipping underwater. When I resurfaced, Charm was trudging angrily up the trail toward our clothes.
“Come back. It’s cool.” I called up to him with a giggle as I pulled myself up onto the warm rocks near the edge. Thanks to a steady diet of sweets and the effects of the artic water, my breasts were fighting to break free from the confines of my bra.
I laid back and let the stone warm my back, my teeth still chattering, from both the water and my close encounter of the Charm kind. I’d messed everything up. Why couldn’t he have just been an asshole? Why’d he have to go and show an interest in my life? And where was Rae? She’d gotten sick, but that didn’t mean anything. I hadn’t built up the courage to skip ahead in the journal again.
Maybe deep down I didn’t want the truth.
A shadow passed over me and I sat up as Charm tossed my clothes over. He was fully dressed again, as if nothing had happened. “Get your clothes on and we’ll head back.”
I turned so he couldn’t see my legs and began the arduous task of pulling denim over damp skin. “Did you warm up?” I peeked over my shoulder and his expression turned murderous.
“Jesus, Sweetheart. It wasn’t that bad.”
I choked back a laugh long enough to say, “That’s what she said.”
He stared me down, his lips remaining in a solemn line.
Tough crowd.
I turned away and pulled my shirt over my head, fighting to keep the giggles in. Once I was fully dressed, he started back down the trail toward the bike, not bothering to see if I was keeping up or not.
“You know it’s okay, right? Fifty-two percent of men will—”
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” he growled.
I clapped my hands and jumped up and down. “That’s what she said—no, wait. That’s what he said? That’s what one of them said!”
I liked frustrating him. Like an annoying little sister. A guy like Charm needed someone to bring him down a few pegs. And the quickest way to forget the most amazing kiss of my life, was to convince myself that I could never be seen as anything more than the annoying junkie who’d shown up and killed the bachelor vibe at the clubhouse.
I kept pace with him, even though it was obvious he was trying to get away from me. “Slow down. Let’s talk about it.”
He walked faster, so I added, “I’m sorry.”
“Fuck off, Neve,” was his response.
“Wait up,” I panted as I jogged behind him. “Let me be your friend.”
I’d meant it as a joke, but it came out laced in desperation.
He reached the motorcycle and tossed me the helmet. “With friends like you, I damn sure wouldn’t need any enemies. Let’s go.”
I nodded stupidly and put my helmet on, thankful yet again that he couldn’t see my face as my cheeks burned with embarrassment. I’d tried to make friends with him and put my personal feelings aside, but that kiss had only confused things further.
He belonged to someone else and a man like Charm couldn’t be shared. The problem was lying in the pleasure center of my brain. I’d had a hit of him and there was no coming back from that.
I was a full-blown addict now.
Chapter Sixteen
There were several bikes parked in front of the clubhouse when we pulled up. I slid off the motorcycle just as PD came down the path toward us.
“Got some company, Prez. Neve.” He nodded at me in greeting.
Charm took the helmet from my hands. “Neve needs to run to the store and get some new clothes. I want you to take her. I’ll let you know when to come back.”
I protested. “Can’t I change clothes first?” My underwear was still wet and the thought of shopping in wet clothes was not appealing in the least.
Charm looked toward the lodge. “Where are they?”
“Your office.”
He sighed. “Fine. Take her to change and then go. Do not let her out of your sight.”
Who did he have in there? Al Capone?
I stuck close to PD’s side as we made our way inside and upstairs. I could hear men’s voices coming from the hallway downstairs, but luckily, the coast was clear.
PD stood guard outside the door while I changed and then all but dragged me back downstairs. We’d almost made it to the truck when we ran into trouble.
“Who’s the bitch?” I immediately turned around, ready to fight, while PD moved in between me and the man. The voice sent chills down my spine.
“This doesn’t concern you, Blade.”
The man took a step closer. He had a scar running down the side of his face and messy black hair that fell around his shoulders. He might have been attractive were it not for the permanent sneer on his face.
“Seems to me that Charm’s been holding out on us. He went and got himself a club whore. Where’s he been hiding you?” He reached out to touch my hair and I spit in his face.
“I’m no one’s whore, asshole.”
He reared back, as if he’d never been told off, before cracking his neck and taking another step closer. “You’re a feisty bitch, I’ll give you that. You just need to be broken.”
“I. Am. Not. A. Bitch. Do you hear me, asshole?” I forced each word out in a snarl and lunged toward the man. PD was quicker this time and his hands shot out to wrap around my waist. Axel came running from around the side of the lodge, gun drawn.
“Neve, you okay?” He looked at the three of us, never taking his gun off of Blade.
I nodded shakily and moved toward him.
“You mess with her, man, and Charm will unleash hell. She’s off limits.” PD said everything matter-of-factly, but his voice held a warning.
As if backing up his statement, the other bikers lined up outside the lodge, arms crossed over their chests. Well, not Gunner, but whatever.
“We got a problem, PD?” Rooster called out.
PD shook his head. “Not anymore. Isn’t that right, Axel?”
Axel grinned and winked at Blade. “I think we had ourselves a little misunderstanding with our friend here.”
Blade looked ready to self-combust, but he nodded. “Yeah. She’s off-limits. Got it.” PD nodded to the other bikers and they followed Blade back inside. Axel holstered his gun and pulled me into his side in a rough hug before helping me into the truck.
Once we were safely on the road, PD turned to me. “Do not ever try any shit like that again, Neve. Let us handle pricks like him.”
I pouted. “But he called me those names.”
He nodded, focusing on the road. “I know, but in case you’ve forgotten, you weren’t in great shape when we found you. It can’t be crazy to assume you’ve encountered men like him before, yeah?”
I shrugged. “I mean, sure, but I guess I’ve gotten use
d to not dealing with it here.”
He patted my leg. “And you won’t. If it happens, let us take care of it. It happens and we’re not around, then come find us. Nobody is going to fuck with you unless they want to fuck with the entire club. Got it?”
I nodded. “Got it.”
He pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of his pants and began blowing his nose. That’s all the man ever did. I hadn’t seen the handkerchief in with his laundry—probably because he never washed it. I grimaced and turned away.
I knew that there was an attractive man buried under the mound of Kleenex and handkerchiefs that seemed to be permanently attached to his face. What I had seen, in those rare moments that he wasn’t sneezing, was enough to make me do a double take. He was just as tall as some of the other guys and made up of mostly lean muscle. Except for those biceps—holy cow, those arms—he could crack walnuts with them.
He kept his beard neatly trimmed; I knew that from all the hair I found on his bathroom counter every day. PD really did keep himself looking nice, apart from the phlegm.
“Damn allergies. Can’t ever catch a break.”
I suddenly knew who I could help next. We drove through town before turning into the parking lot of a strip mall. There was a small grocery store, flanked on one side by an outdoor apparel shop and a women’s boutique on the other.
He put the truck in park and turned to me. “I figure you can get groceries and a few things for yourself.” He handed me a wad of cash as his cell phone began buzzing in his pocket. “Go on ahead; I’ll catch up with you.”
“Thanks.” I mouthed as he answered the call.
My vision was blurry on my way into the grocery store. It was such a silly thing to get emotional over, but I hadn’t had money for shopping in longer than I could remember.
It seemed every penny Clint made had gone right back up our noses.
I gathered the items I needed fairly quickly and meandered over to the cosmetics and health aisle. Before I was an addict, I was a beauty junkie with quite the collection. Amber had brought me some basics, but I added some mascara, eyeliner, and eyeshadow to my cart before looking longingly at the lipstick.
My kryptonite had always been lipstick.
I finally narrowed my choices down between the colors of Ruby Redbird and Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire. I stared at them for a few minutes before tossing both in the cart.
Surely Charm wouldn’t notice that on the bill.
Like a jolt of lightning, the craving hit me out of nowhere. With hands tightly gripping the shopping cart handle, my body hunched over in agony. I needed a hit, everything in me demanded it. I was furious with myself—I’d gone almost nine weeks without it. Why was my body betraying me now?
My vision narrowed until all I saw before me were white mountains of blow, just waiting, and my heart thudded in my chest with excitement.
I forced myself to walk over to the allergy medicine, finding what I needed in the homeopathic section. I grabbed the box with shaking hands.
I could do this.
“Hey, lady.”
I dropped it into the cart with a yelp and looked up to see Amber standing a few feet away, a blue hand basket draped on her forearm as if it were a designer purse.
“Hey,” I managed weakly, heart still pounding.
She was over to me in a second. “Are you okay? You’re looking a little pale.”
I shook my head. “I—I need to get out of here, I think.”
She grasped my shoulders in her hands and studied my face. “I know what you need. You don’t have to act like everything’s fine, Neve.”
I looked down and focused on the cough drops lining the bottom shelf—anywhere but her face. “They told you?”
She laughed lightly and leaned down into my line of vision. “Sweetie, they didn’t have to. I’ve been sober for two years now. So, what do you say we check out and get your head right?”
“You all done?”
I jumped again and guiltily turned around. “PD—you scared me!”
He laughed. “Hey, Amber.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Hey, yourself. I ran into Ali the other night. She was asking about you.”
PD suddenly found the contents of the shopping cart very interesting. “Whatcha got in there, Neve?”
Smooth. He was just going to skip right over that.
“Just things that were on the list,” I pushed the cart up toward the front, while forcing thoughts of coke back down into the darkness. “Do we have time to shop for clothes? Oh, and Amber and I were thinking of doing something too—if we have time.”
He nodded. “We’ve got time to shop…see a movie…you name it. What’d you have in mind, Amber?”
She grinned wickedly. “Are you coming with?”
His smile faded. “Why? What are you planning?”
Amber latched onto the front of the cart, pulling us toward the checkout, while gleefully calling over her shoulder, “I take it you can’t let Neve out of your sight, so I hope you like yoga.”
PD groaned. “Anywhere but there. Shit, I’ll take you to every clothing store in town if you want.”
I caught Amber’s eye and she winked. “Guess who owns the yoga studio.”
Ah. That made a lot more sense. We paid for the groceries, but arranged to pick them up on our way back to the lodge. PD was quiet on the drive over to yoga, while Amber peppered me with questions about my knowledge of yoga and meditation.
A half hour later, we were cobra and tree posing our way to a restful state—well, some of us. Others were standing near the front door, looking as out of place as a hooker on Rodeo Drive. Ali, to her credit, remained unfazed and carried on as if there wasn’t a massive biker standing in the corner, scowling at everyone.
That glower had certainly disappeared when she demonstrated firefly pose for the class. His look didn’t convey anger—quite the opposite really. The more I was around the bikers, the more confused I became. PD was obviously into Ali, yet acted as if she meant nothing. Charm was hung up on Rae, but no one dared mention her name.
How did eight men—ten, if you counted Axel and Joseph—live like monks?
And why?
The class ended, but I remained sitting on my mat; pleased that I’d still been able to master almost every pose, especially since I hadn’t practiced in over four years. My side was almost completely healed, minus the occasional twinge from scar tissue forming. For the first time since I arrived in Kasselhessen, I took the time to appreciate how far I’d come.
I had been sober for eight weeks and one day.
I’d learned how to cook.
I had found a job that left me feeling exhausted, but productive at the end of every day.
I’d fallen in love and, while not the healthiest of choices, it proved that Clint hadn’t damaged me beyond repair.
I was still here.
And the cravings that had seemed so overwhelming an hour ago, faded until I was in control again.
Before I could get lost in my positive affirmations, strong arms lifted me up and toward the door.
“Time’s up. We need to get you some clothes,” PD hissed as he stalked toward the door, with Amber rushing to keep up.
“Goodbye. It was great to meet you, Neve. Say hello to Charm for me,” Ali called.
I extended my hands toward her. “Namaste, Ali. I’ll be back, I promise.”
Once we were safely back out on the street, PD turned to me and Amber. “You two ready for shopping now? Let’s do all the shopping—fuck.” He gave me a pointed look. “Don’t say a word, Neve. Not today.”
I quickly realized two things. One—Ali was more than just some fling. She’d gotten under his skin and I was going to make it my mission to get to the bottom of it—that’s what she said.
I was completely hopeless sometimes.
Okay, time to be serious.
The second thing was that Charm must’ve been the one who called PD as we got to the grocery store. He obviou
sly wanted PD to stall.
But why?
“Hey, PD,” I casually began, earning me an immediate eyeroll.
“Jesus fuck, Neve. Let it go.” He began walking toward the stairs and I did my best to match his stride.
It was unfair really. I’d waited a full twenty-four hours to discuss this; thinking I’d give him some time to cool down. I deserved a medal for the restraint I’d shown.
And, maybe it wasn’t the conversation I wanted to have, but the other party in my situation had gone AWOL; leaving me to ponder that cliffside kiss on my own.
I was going to work up the courage to confront him; I was.
I was going to come right out and ask, “Charm, what happened to…”
Or I’d say, “Look, Charm. I know about…”
Well, I still had time to figure out how to put all the words together into one coherent thought. I just wondered if my heart was going to be capable of accepting the answer.
“PD—wait. Just hear me out, please.”
He stopped at the top of the stairs and resignedly turned around. “Are you slow? Did anything I said yesterday stick? I don’t want to have this fucking discussion with you. Is that clear?”
Each word was enunciated loudly. A normal person would’ve fled the landing; unfortunately for him, I hadn’t been ‘normal’ in quite some time.
He stomped down the hall toward his room and I dutifully followed after him again. “Just look me in the eyes and tell me that you’re not in love with her.”
PD’s shoulders sagged as he stopped at his door. With his back to me, he replied, “I said to drop it.” He let himself in and closed the door quietly behind him.
I debated for a fraction of a second before going in after him. He refused to acknowledge my presence; choosing instead to shed his vest and empty his pockets onto the dresser as if I wasn’t standing a mere three feet away.
“Did you know that penguins are monogamous?” When he didn’t respond, I continued, “It’s true—when a male penguin falls in love with a female, he searches far and wide to find a gift. And not just any old gift, but the most perfect pebble on the beach. He then presents it at her feet—it’s a little like kneeling to propose, but they’re penguins. I don’t even know if they’re capable of kneeling, come to think of it. I would think they would just waddle around all penguin-like—”
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