He nodded slowly, like he was deciding if he believed that or not. ‘And what time did you get back to the hotel?’
‘I dunno,’ I said. ‘About an hour ago. I was there and then Mum came in saying you’d found Alice’s hairband in the van and I realised I’d dropped it there. Then she phoned the station and we came.’
‘Your mum tell you to say all this?’ he said.
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Well, did she tell you to say it was you who put the hair elastic in Gary’s van?’
‘No!’ I couldn’t believe they’d think Mum would do that.
‘You’re sure about that?’
‘Yes.’
‘Because you’ve not been the most truthful interviewee, have you?’
I looked at him and chewed my cheek some more.
‘Have you?’ he said again. ‘In fact, it’s pretty lucky Darren and his mates saw you outside that fish and chip shop, or you might be under suspicion yourself.’
He stood up then and walked round for a bit with his chin in his hand like he was thinking. Then he stopped and swivelled round on his heels to face me. ‘Do you know what I think?’ he said.
I shook my head. I had a lump in my throat.
‘I think you’re not nearly as stupid as you let people believe,’ he said. ‘I think you knew Gary was going to take Alice . . .’
I looked at DI Burke but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t move either. She just kept watching me.
‘Because you have to admit,’ he went on, ‘it’d be quite some coincidence otherwise, you telling Alice that you’re trying to protect her from someone just days before she actually disappears.’ He put his hands in his trouser pockets and rocked on his heels. ‘Wouldn’t you say so?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I suppose.’
He watched me for a few seconds, then walked to the table and sat on the edge of it, twisting round so he was facing me. ‘You see, that’s what I don’t buy. What I do buy is that you somehow suspected that Gary was going to do something and you tried to warn Alice. Because you liked her, didn’t you?’
I felt weird all of a sudden, the way he was talking about Alice, the way he was so close to being right. I felt like I was floating or melting or something.
‘And you tried to warn her, didn’t you?’
I couldn’t move. I was scared to in case I starting nodding my head, even though I didn’t want to, and telling them everything right from the beginning, from when I first saw you by the school fence.
Then DI Burke leant forward. ‘Yasmin,’ she said, ‘we think this whole thing must be a living nightmare for you, caught between doing the right thing and being very afraid. And you’ve been so brave. Braver than a lot of people would’ve been.’
I looked at her. I wanted to say, I know I have. I wanted to tell them how difficult it was answering all their questions so they never found out about you. I wanted to tell them you were nice, too, and that if they knew you they’d see how lovely you really are.
‘But Alice is our priority here,’ she went on. ‘She may still be alive. We believe there’s a chance we could still save her with your help.’
I shook my head. ‘But I don’t know anything,’ I said, whispering, tears filling my eyes. ‘I swear.’
DI Grayson got off the table and DI Burke leant back in her chair. They looked at each other.
Then DI Grayson sat on his chair again and stared at me, his tongue pushing into his cheek. After I’d wiped my eyes on my sleeve, he said, ‘We checked your computer. We can see how worried you’ve been – the sites you’ve Googled – paedophiles, murderers, missing kids . . . Are you scared of what Gary might do to you if you tell us what you know? Are you afraid that, even if he goes to prison, there’ll be a day he gets out and comes looking for you?’
I shook my head again. ‘I don’t know anything about Gary.’
They looked at each other again. I don’t think they knew what to say next.
Then DI Burke opened her jacket, took a card out of her inside pocket and held it out.
It was dark green with a picture of a tree on it, like the one near Dad’s grave. It said:
Police.
Child Protection.
Start Talking. Stop Abuse.
0800 460 460. 24hrs.
Out in the corridor, DI Burke said, ‘Yasmin, a moment.’ Then she looked at me with her big serious brown eyes. ‘I understand why you feel unable to speak out.’ Her eyes were searching mine. ‘But keep hold of that card, OK? In case you change your mind, in case you feel able to help at any point. I forget who said this but remember it: “Only the truth will set you free”.’
Mum was different after the interview. On the way back to the Premier Inn she kept saying, ‘Why don’t they believe you dropped it? They think I made you say it.’ Then, later on, when we were back in our room and she was sitting on the end of her bed, she said, ‘Why did you have Alice’s hair elastic, anyway?’
I told her again how I’d just picked it up, but I could see she thought that was weird or not very likely or something. I thought I should’ve said Alice’d lent it to me for PE. Then she said, ‘You didn’t put it there on purpose, did you?’
I turned round and stared at her, stunned. ‘How can you say that?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘It’s just none of it makes sense. The way you said there was a man, then Gary’s taken in and there’s Alice’s hair elastic in his van.’
‘But Alice wasn’t even missing then!’ I said. She was watching me, though, a funny expression on her face like she didn’t trust me or something – like she thought I’d put Alice’s hairband there after she’d disappeared. ‘I know you’ve never liked him.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
She shrugged. ‘I mean, you never wanted me to meet anyone else after Dad. You never wanted me to get married again.’
‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that!’ I said. I was shouting a bit. ‘That’s horrible! I’d never do that! I can’t believe you think I would!’
‘Alright,’ Mum said like she was too tired to think. She stood up and walked round the other side of her bed. ‘I’m sorry.’ She shook her head, ran her fingers through her hair and sat down again, her back to me. ‘I just don’t know what to think anymore.’
We didn’t say anything else, just got ready for bed and turned the lights off. Because of the hairband, Mum never got to ask about going back to the house to get pyjamas and clean underwear, so we had to stay in our old clothes.
I held China Bea in the dark and thought about what Mum’d said again and the more I remembered her looking at me and going, ‘You didn’t put it there on purpose, did you?’ the more angry I got. She’d basically asked if I’d tried to frame Gary! How could anyone’s mum think their daughter would do that? I thought Gary had got to her, made her think that way, because she never would’ve thought anything like that before.
Anyway, I thought, DI Burke and DI Grayson think he’s guilty. I imagined Gary sitting on a bench in a white windowless cell, the peephole thing in the door sliding open and DI Grayson’s cold crow eyes looking in, and I thought, good, I hope he never gets out. It wasn’t like any of it was even my fault. I mean, I’d tried to tell the truth, hadn’t I? It wasn’t like I’d made out Gary was guilty, which was something I could’ve done. Easily. It wasn’t my fault if they didn’t believe me. I thought, it’s fate, that’s what it is. It’s all happened like it has and nothing anyone says or does can change it.
I was still asleep when the phone rang the next morning. I heard Mum pick it up and go, ‘Hello?’ her voice all flat, but then a second later she was throwing the covers off her and standing up. ‘What?’ she said into the phone. Then she laughed, spun round to face me and, covering the mouthpiece, she said, ‘He’s free!’
‘Huh?’ I said. I still wasn’t properly awake.
‘Can you send a car?’ she said into the phone. ‘OK, well, tell him we’
ll be there as soon as we can.’ She pressed buttons on the phone, gripping the receiver with both hands as she waited for someone to pick up, then she said, ‘Yes, I’d like a cab please. Room 32. Straight away.’
Then she put the phone down and smacked her hands on top of her head. ‘He’s free,’ she said again, looking from me back to the phone like she couldn’t believe it had really rung.
‘How?’ I said.
‘They said they’d got some new CCTV. It clears him. I don’t know, but he’s free!’
That ringing in my ears started up, and I was wide awake then. I was thinking CCTV of what? CCTV of you?
Mum was standing and pulling her boots on. ‘Well, come on,’ she said. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing,’ I said, scrambling out from under the duvet. ‘I’m coming.’
I stayed in the car park outside the station while Mum went in to get Gary, but I got out of the cab. I was looking up and down the road, whispering, because I was so afraid I was going to see a police car any second with you in the back of it.
When they finally came out, they were wrapped in each other’s arms, Mum smiling up at him with tears on her face. She kept kissing him and saying, ‘I knew it’d be OK.’
‘Hi Gary,’ I said.
He said, ‘Hi,’ but he didn’t look at me properly. It was obvious he thought I’d put Alice’s hairband there on purpose.
Mum said, ‘Why don’t you sit in the front, Yaz?’
They hugged and kissed each other all the way back to Gary’s. It was so embarrassing, and the cab driver was embarrassed too because he kept glancing nervously in the rear-view mirror and then at me, like he thought their behaviour was a bit inappropriate. Mum didn’t care, though. She just laughed and said, ‘I knew it! I knew they’d find something . . .’
And Gary said, ‘Clear as day, the picture, Jen. Me, singing away as I went up the A41. Twenty blinking miles from the crime scene!’
I closed my eyes. I felt like I could breathe again, because even though I didn’t like that Gary was back or how he and Mum were talking as if – now that he’d been released – Alice didn’t matter anymore, at least I knew the CCTV the police had found was of Gary and not of me with Bea, or of you.
I thought the police would’ve tidied our house up, seeing as Gary was innocent, but it was a tip. All the cupboards and furniture had been pulled out of place, the cushions had been taken off the sofa and our DVDs were all over the floor, their cases open. It looked like we’d been burgled.
‘Bloody hell, look at it!’ Gary said, going from the dining room into the sitting room, his voice rising. ‘Look at it!’
‘Hey, come on,’ Mum said, putting her arms round him and rubbing his chest, even though she was looking round everywhere, just as shocked. ‘It doesn’t matter. You’re home. That’s all that matters.’
I went up to my room. It was the same there. Everything everywhere. The only thing, ironically, that hadn’t been touched was Alice’s Manga girl. She was still Blu-Tacked to the wall, staring out like she was pretty angry at what had gone on there.
I grabbed my laptop the second I saw it on the desk, opened it up and waited for it to connect to the internet. I went on Alice’s Facebook page. I suppose it was obvious people would’ve written stuff about Gary, but I wasn’t prepared for how much, or what they’d said. There were nasty posts all over it – pages of it – saying things like how he was so evil he’d even joined one of the searches. There were things about Mum and me too, like about us being a peculiar family and a family that kept away from the community. Someone had even put that Mum looked like the serial killer, Rose West.
I typed IT’S OFFICIAL – GARY’S INNOCENT! HA! and posted it before I could even think about not posting it. Then I went downstairs and into the sitting room. Gary was in his armchair, his head in his hands like he was exhausted. Mum was kneeling on the floor, putting the DVDs back in their cases and piling them up.
‘Hi,’ I said.
Gary looked up but didn’t say anything, just pressed his lips together, like he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to say anything to me.
‘Do you want a tea?’ I said.
‘No, you’re alright,’ he said. ‘Just give us a bit of time. We need to . . .’ He held out his hands. I wasn’t sure if he meant they needed time to tidy everything up or to decide whether they were going to forgive me. ‘I don’t know,’ he said and shook his head at the floor. ‘We just need time.’
I stood there a bit longer, feeling awkward. I wished Mum would stop doing the DVDs and say something – anything – like Come on then, you coming in or what? But she didn’t. She didn’t even look up. She’d obviously decided it was all my fault, too.
I went back to my room.
I didn’t even flinch when the doorbell rang that evening. I just thought, here they are again, come to arrest me this time, and good, because I don’t care anymore. I even got off the bed. I thought, prison can’t be any worse than here, and I put China Bea in my pocket and opened my door, ready to go quietly.
It wasn’t the police. It was an Indian takeaway. I listened to Mum in the kitchen, getting plates and cutlery and the mango chutney out of the cupboard and putting them all on a tray to take into the sitting room like we always do. I held my breath when she carried the tray down the hall and pushed the sitting-room door open, but when she didn’t call me down and the door closed again, I realised I wasn’t invited. It was curry for two.
Turkish Delight
I sat staring at Alice’s Manga girl. It seemed stupid now that I’d given it a name. It was just a drawing.
I got up and pulled it off the wall and sat back down on the bed. And then, as I was looking at it, something happened. The girl seemed to change. The eyes changed. They were still black and gleaming, but after staring at them for a bit they didn’t look like they had before – confident and defiant, like they could take on the world. They looked fearful – like the eyes of a cat that’s been cornered by a ferocious dog. I held the drawing at arm’s length, looked away, then back again: the same! How weird was that? In the whole time I’d had it, I’d never seen any fear at all – but now that I had, it was all I could see.
I thought about DI Burke’s big eyes and how confused they’d looked when I told her I’d made it up about there being a man. I thought about how much I’d wanted to tell her and DI Grayson about you, and how lucky it was I hadn’t. And that horrible second in the hotel room when Mum said Gary was free because the police had CCTV and I thought it was CCTV of you. My heart started pounding again just thinking of it.
I pressed Alice’s drawing to my chest and looked up. I closed my eyes. I thought, thank God for you. Thank God, thank God, thank God for you and I thought again about how you’d stood looking round your kitchen and saying ‘You’re an angel’. That same word Alice’s dad had used to describe her – angel.
I started to imagine then that rather than just hugging you and pressing my head against your chest, I’d looked up into your eyes and kissed you and that in that kiss you somehow understood everything I’d done for you – how I hadn’t told the police about you when they came to school, how I’d lied to them when they asked me if I said anything about a man, how I’d lied again at the station even when it meant Mum and Gary would hate me, and how I’d go on lying for you forever. You look deep into my eyes and I can feel that you’ve understood and then I go with you to the worktop and stand right next to you as you pour two rum and Cokes, because now you know what I’ve done for you, you want me close to you always. Then you turn, though you’re too shy to look me in the eyes, and you say there’s something you want to tell me. I follow you into the front room, which is done up just like I imagined it, with a black leather sofa and black armchair and a glass coffee table on a shaggy white rug. Sit down, you say and then you sit down too. Then you look at me and your eyes are shining and there’s a sort of smile that isn’t really a smile on your lips. What? I say. What is it? You put your drink down an
d lean forward, holding your hands out for me to take in mine, which I do, thinking, this is really crazy, what’s going on? Then you tell me you were planning on leaving – going back to live up north again – but that you’re not going to do that anymore. You say you’ve decided to stay and live in the house. You say it looks too good not to live in and I look round and say I have to agree, which makes you laugh. I give your hands a squeeze and say I’m so happy. Then you say, But that isn’t all, and you’re looking so far inside me with your dark eyes that when you say Move in with me I think my heart is going to burst.
The next morning I got up before Mum and Gary.
Most of my clothes were out of the drawers anyway from when the police had been there, so I just sifted through till I found some old leggings from Primark. Then I tried on about six or seven tops that wouldn’t matter if they got paint on, but they were all clingy and showed up my fat rolls, so I wore one of my favourites – my red one with a custard tart on the front. Even though I didn’t really want to get paint on it, I figured it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to look nice for you.
Then I put on a bit of make-up – not too much because of how you’d been the last time I’d worn some, even though I knew that was probably more because you were nervous about taking Alice than about me wearing make-up – just mascara and a bit of blusher. Then I put my hair in a high ponytail. I thought it’d be good like that for painting and you hadn’t ever seen it up.
I imagined your face when you did – how when you opened the door, smiling because you’d guessed it was going to be me, your eyes would see my new look and flick away shyly, your hand going up to smooth your hair – and suddenly I couldn’t wait another second to see you.
I kept doing little skips down the pavements so I’d get to you faster, thinking how when I got there, I’d do a da di-di-di da da knock on your front door, but when I arrived and saw that the side door down the driveway was open, I thought it’d be fun to go in that way and surprise you. I thought I might even be able to make you a tea before you heard me and then, when you came into the kitchen, I could swivel round, holding it out and bowing like you did to me, going, ‘For you, Sir.’
Things We Have in Common Page 18