by Lynn, JB
He shrugged. “All hell broke loose.”
“I can see that.”
He seemed unwilling to elaborate more on the story. I wasn’t sure if that was because he didn’t want to get on his fiancée’s bad side, or if he was really too shell shocked to know what happened.
“There was only one macadamia nut cookie,” Herschel said.
I turned to look at him. “Excuse me?”
“There was only one macadamia nut cookie, and the girls didn’t want to share,” Herschel said, as though that made perfect sense.
I saw out of the corner of my eye that Leslie was inching closer to Loretta. “Drop the shiv!” I yelled, pointing an accusing finger.
Startled, she froze.
Aunt Susan rolled her eyes. “You have spent too much time visiting your father in prison, Margaret.”
Ignoring her, I focused on Leslie. “Drop it.”
She looked down guiltily at the skewer in her hand. “It’s not a shiv.”
“Now,” I said in a tone that brooked no argument.
She did as I said, releasing the skewer from her grip. It fell to the ground.
DeeDee jumped over to check it out.
“Leave it,” I warned. The last thing I needed was the Doberman getting splinters in her tongue.
The dog had the good sense to back away.
I gave my grandfather a hard look. “I assume that when you say the girls were fighting over the cookie, you mean Leslie and Loretta?”
Herschel nodded.
I looked over at Marlene and Darlene. “And what were you two fighting about?”
Marlene hung her head guiltily and looked away.
Darlene stared at me defiantly. “Kiwi, there was only one piece of kiwi.”
“You’re all insane,” I announced.
At that moment, Armani limped into the room. She took in the smashed fruit basket, Loretta’s hand dripping blood, and the fact that everybody in the room looked like they’d been to war. “Did you guys already have the vote?” she asked worriedly. “Because I had made Maggie an offer and I don’t think she presented it to you, so if you voted to not let me in—”
“There was no vote,” I interrupted quickly. Then, not knowing exactly what came over me, I made an announcement that I may live to regret. “There isn’t going to be a vote,” I said. “This is how things are going to work.” I surveyed the room and saw that everyone was hanging on my every word. “Armani has generously offered to build or remodel all of the space that we need,” I announced. “And we’re going to let her,” I added quickly when I saw Susan get ready to speak. “Loretta is going to get her stripper pole, Leslie’s going to get her grow room, and the rest of us are going to get some peace and quiet.”
About six people in the room protested with “But—” I held up my hand, silencing them. “And if you don’t all agree to that, I’m not staying.”
There was a collective gasp in the room.
“Staying no?” DeeDee whined.
Now wasn’t the time to explain to her what I meant, so I let my gaze slip from human face to human face all around the room. Some of them looked shocked, most of them looked dismayed, Aunt Susan looked…proud.
“So that’s the only thing that’s open for a vote,” I told them. “Either I stay, or I go. It’s up to you.” I gave Herschel a hard look. “Oh, and Piss is an indoor cat.” With that, I whirled on my heel and marched out of the room, but not before snatching Leslie’s discarded skewer off the ground. You never know when a shiv could come in handy.
“Where are you going?” Marlene called after me.
“To take a nap.”
30
After getting a few hours of sleep, I wandered out to the main living room. The only person there was Herschel. I got the feeling he’d been sitting there, staring into space for quite a while, but he blinked and stirred when I entered.
Looking around, I saw that someone had removed all of the evidence of the battle that had raged earlier in the room. Everything was in its place—well, except for the blood-soaked pillow that had been used to triage Templeton. It looked calm, peaceful. But I knew appearances could be deceiving.
“Did you vote?” I asked.
He nodded and patted the couch cushion beside him.
I sat down and waited for him to answer my question.
“It was unanimous,” he said slowly.
For a moment, I panicked. Maybe my family didn’t want me around as much as I thought they did. I blinked back the tears that scratched at the back of my eyes, looking for escape.
“They agreed to your terms,” Herschel revealed.
I let out a sigh of relief and sank back into the couch. “I guess they’re not happy about it.”
He shrugged. “I think they all understand it was for the best. They were tearing each other apart.”
I nodded.
“I’ve got to go feed Irma,” he said, getting up from the couch. He moved slowly and stiffly. “I’ll see you later.”
“Tell Irma nobody is taking her barn from her,” I urged.
He nodded. “That’ll please the old girl.”
He shuffled out of the room.
I sat there alone in the living room for a long moment, enjoying the silence. Piss padded in and jumped up on the seat beside me. She remained blessedly quiet.
A moment later, Armani limped in. “You came through for me, chica,” she said to me with a wide grin.
I nodded. “Don’t make me regret it.”
She laughed. “Are you kidding me? This is perfect. Everybody will get what they want. I’ll get to design everything, and you’ll get some peace.”
I wanted to believe her, but I knew my family. We weren’t the kind of people for whom peace could be bought and paid for.
Seeing the doubt and hesitation in my friend’s eyes, I tried to make her feel better without lying. “I hope so.”
She tilted her head to the side. “You’re the only one who hasn’t told me what they want.”
I considered my response for a long moment. “I’d like my own space, something farther away from everybody else.”
She nodded. “I figured that.”
“And a cat door,” Piss purred, “please?”
“And a cat door,” I told Armani.
She looked at the feline stretched out beside me. “Maybe a dog door,” she murmured.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Piss meowed. “Can you imagine the trouble DeeDee could get into unfettered?”
I didn’t disagree with her. I love my dog and believe she has a good heart, but I don’t trust her judgment. “I don’t think we should give DeeDee free rein to run in and out,” I told Armani.
My friend nodded. “I guess you’re right.” She offered me a tentative smile. “Are you just letting me stay because of my money?”
I frowned at her, offended. “No, you’re staying because you’re family.”
She beamed. “I have to go have my consultation with Loretta now,” she told me. “We’ll talk soon.” She limped out.
I didn’t have more than a moment’s peace to myself, though, because Templeton strode in.
“You did it,” he said happily. “That was a brilliant piece of emotional blackmail.”
I winced at the characterization, even though it was an accurate description. “I’m not proud of what I did.”
“You brought a level of peace. You should be proud of that.”
“Don’t get your hopes up too high,” I warned. “This group doesn’t exactly embrace peace for very long.”
“Any respite from the chaos, no matter how short, is appreciated.” He patted the bandage on his head. “We don’t need any more blood spilled.”
I nodded my agreement.
“I’ve got to go meet with Loretta and Armani and discuss design ideas.” He rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Finally some fun.” He rushed out.
“Looks like you made everyone happy,” Piss remarked.
I shrugged. I wasn’t sure what I had chosen to do was the best solution, but I’d been so stressed earlier that I hadn’t thought things out. “It’s a temporary fix, at best.”
She climbed into my lap and purred. “Enjoy the moment.”
Taking her advice, I sat back and tried to relax, allowing her purring to lull me.
I must have dozed off because it felt like a moment later I heard an announcement being made. “Intruder alert. Intruder alert.”
“Did you hear that?” I asked the cat.
She was already on her feet. “I heard.” Her claws pierced my jeans as she leapt off me.
Together we ran out of the house.
“Intruder alert. Intruder alert.” Mike was on the porch, cawing at the top of his little bird lungs.
“Where?” I asked.
“Follow me,” he said.
“Wait,” Piss urged. “If there’s danger, you shouldn’t go alone.”
She had a point.
I ran back to my room, with her on my heels, and got DeeDee as backup. “We’ve got trouble,” I told her.
She’d been napping on my bed and got up, stretching lazily.
“Hurry, you furry imbecile,” God yelled. “We’re going to battle.”
I scooped him up out of the tissue box that he had been slumbering in and headed for the door.
“Me too! Me too! Me too!” a small voice squeaked.
“I’ve got him,” Piss said. She hurried over to retrieve Benny, the little white mouse, knocking the lid right off his enclosure so he could climb out.
With the dog leading the way, I raced outside looking for Mike and his guidance.
“Where to?” I asked the black bird.
“This way.” He flapped his wings and flew away. We followed after, a rag tag band of animals and my out-of-shape self. I really need to go to a gym and get into shape, but usually I have these thoughts when I’m running to or away from something. I never had them at a normal time, like at a moment when one might actually join a gym. Pressing a hand to the painful stitch that had developed in my side, I tried to catch my breath as we reached the end of one of the compound’s outer storage buildings.
“You can see them from here,” Mike cawed.
Unsure of what I was going to see, I carefully peered around the corner of the building.
When I saw the size of the two massive men, who’d obviously spent all their time in the prison yard pumping iron, I instinctively knew they were the escaped convicts looking for my father. They looked determined…and angry. They definitely looked angry.
I realized I’d made a mistake. I wasn’t going to be able to stop them alone, or even with the help of the animals.
I turned to Piss. “Go warn Herschel.”
She dropped Benny, who she’d been carrying in her mouth, to the ground and ran back toward the main house. The best I could hope to do was to slow the escaped prisoners down with the help of my menagerie.
But first, we needed a plan.
31
“We should attack,” God declared from his vantage point on my shoulder.
“Attack?” DeeDee panted eagerly.
“We’re not attacking,” I told them, grabbing DeeDee’s collar so she wouldn’t go making a kamikaze run at the thugs. “We need to defend.”
I stuck my head around the building and peered at the cons, who were in deep conversation, gesturing wildly with their hands.
I leaned back so that they couldn’t see me. “Do you see the size of those guys?” I asked. “There’s no way we can take them down.”
“You have to have faith in yourself, Maggie,” God lectured.
“There’s a difference between having faith in myself and just being a moron,” I told him testily. “The last time I took a killer on it was with a pillow, and I only won that fight through dumb luck.”
“True,” he agreed, which did nothing to increase my confidence.
“We’ll just wait until Piss gets back with Herschel,” I told him. “Until then, we’re going to just observe.”
“And what do you think Herschel is going to do?” God asked. “He’s in his seventies, for goodness sake.”
“Well, I’m hoping that he’ll bring the cavalry,” I said.
“Like who?” the lizard asked. “Or maybe I should ask which species of backup are you hoping for?”
“I was thinking that Griswald has a gun, but I won’t be picky.” I shrugged.
“Look out!” Mike suddenly cawed.
Turning around, I saw that the cons had closed in on us from either side while we were having our discussion.
“Grab her,” the bigger one ordered. The other, who was missing his front teeth, lunged at me.
I may have screamed a little as I scrambled to get out of his way, letting go of DeeDee’s collar. Thankfully, the Doberman threw herself at him, snarling.
“Defend! Defend!” she barked excitedly.
Needing to protect my family, I took off running in the opposite direction of the main house, hoping to lead the threat away from them and reach the street.
I glanced back to make sure they were following.
“Faster,” God urged from his vantage point on my shoulder.
It was a good suggestion, considering the two convicts were closing in on me quickly.
“They probably use a gym at the prison,” I muttered breathlessly.
DeeDee fell into step beside me. “Do now what?” she panted.
I didn’t want her to get hurt, but I needed her help. “I’m going to climb a tree,” I told her. “You run off in the opposite direction and hide until I call you.”
“Actually,” God said, “that’s a pretty good idea. It’s one of the few things you do well.”
“Gee, thanks,” I wheezed. Reaching an oak tree, I quickly scrambled up the trunk. He’s right. One of my few skill sets is that I’m very good at climbing, trees in particular.
The big guy tried to follow me up the tree but fell back to the ground with a thud.
I glanced down at him. “Ha!” I mocked.
My sense of victory was short lived when the younger one pulled out a gun and took aim at me.
“Now!” God shouted. “Come back now, DeeDee!”
The dog came charging out of the woods, teeth snapping.
The man took aim at her.
“DeeDee stop!” I screamed.
She skidded to a halt, confused.
Afraid she was going to get shot, I told the men below, “Don’t shoot my dog. I’m coming down.”
DeeDee hesitated, unsure of what to do.
“Go lie down,” I ordered her.
Hanging her head, she trotted off back into the woods.
“I don’t think this is the best idea,” God whispered in my ear.
“I don’t think getting shot while in a tree is, either,” I said. “Maybe I can figure out what they want from Archie.”
Carefully, I climbed back down the tree, skinning my knees and palms on the way. Once on the ground, I faced the two men, trying not to let my wobbly knees betray how frightened I was of them.
“What is it that Archie has that you want?” I asked tiredly.
“You’re his kid?” the one with the gun asked. He was obviously the brains of the duo...though I’m using “brains” pretty loosely.
I nodded. “Guilty as charged.”
“We want the skull.”
I blinked. Even though it was a strange request, I actually understood what they meant. My half-brother Ian had found a skull in my father’s storage unit. Unfortunately, he’d since lost it.
I didn’t tell the thugs that. “What skull?”
“The one your old man stole.”
I tried not to grin. It was a great relief to learn that Archie had stolen the skull. That had to mean he wasn’t the person who’d bashed it in. “Why would anyone steal a skull?” I asked.
“Because it’s worth a lot of money,” the bigger guy told me.
“To who?”
/> “Where is it?” the one with the gun asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t have it. You just told me about it.”
“We’ll see about that,” the larger one said, reaching out and grabbing my shoulder with his big meaty hand.
Pain radiated down my arm as he squeezed, and I winced.
“Let go,” I ordered, trying to shake him off.
He just tightened his grip, causing me more pain.
Eyes. Nose. Throat. Groin. Those were the weak spots that Patrick Mulligan had drilled into me, back when I first got into the assassination game. I didn’t think I was tall enough to reach the guy’s eyes, nose, or throat, but I could definitely go for his groin. I didn’t even think, I just kicked as hard as I could.
Surprised, and probably in a fair bit of pain, he released me.
The second I was free, I began running, hoping to find shelter in the trees again.
“Get her,” he roared at the other guy.
A shot rang out, kicking up the dirt just in front of me. Instinctively, I veered away but tripped and fell to my knees. Looking over my shoulder, I saw the gunman closing in on me.
It was ironic that I was going to die, not because of trouble I’d gotten into with one of my assassination jobs, but because I was trying to protect my family. And yet, it made a perfect kind of sense, too.
That’s what I was thinking as I scrambled toward the tree line, searching for protection.
“We’re going to die,” God announced. “More specifically, you’re going to die. Chances are, I’ll survive.”
I didn’t think he was wrong.
32
But my team had other ideas.
“Run, toots!” Mike cawed, dive bombing the one with the gun.
He dropped Benny right onto the man’s face.
The guy screamed, hitting himself in the nose with his gun as he tried to get the little white mouse off of him.
“Die! Die! Die!” Benny screamed, clawing at the man’s skin.
The gunman threw him off and again leveled his gun at me.
“Go! Go! Go!” God urged me.
I tried to make my legs move, but it seemed like the cover of the woods moved farther away with every step I took. I knew I wasn’t going to find a place to hide in time.