by Ivy Smoak
I was trying not to read too much into it, but it was hard not to. He had wanted to talk to me the day after the tiebreaker. But after a week, he hadn't been as interested. If he had been, he would have let me into his apartment. I knew I should just call him. But right now, I was clinging to that small thread of hope that he might still want me. As soon as I made that call...that would be it. Right now, I just wanted to believe that we could still have a future. Even if I was lying to myself.
"Alina?" my dad said.
I jumped. I had woken up with the sunrise. I couldn't sleep. All night I had dreamed of some developer coming in and demolishing the bakery.
"Hi, Dad," I said as he grabbed a bowl and some cereal out of the cupboard.
He didn't say anything else as he sat down at the table across from me. He ate his cereal in silence as I pretended to look through the mail. His silence was killing me. He dropped his spoon in his empty bowl. But instead of getting up, he looked at me. "I regret selling the bakery," he said.
My eyes started to water. "I regret what I did too."
He nodded.
I wasn't sure there was anything else to say. We were both sorry, but neither one of us was ready to forgive.
"We're handing the keys over tonight. If you want, you can go today and make sure everything is in order." He scratched the back of his neck. "To say goodbye."
"Yeah, I think I'll do that."
He stood up and put his bowl in the sink. Usually he would kiss me on the cheek before he left for work. I so badly wanted things to just go back to normal. He stopped by the chair I was sitting on.
"Sorry, kiddo," he said and awkwardly patted me on the head.
"I'm sorry too."
He cleared his throat and immediately left the kitchen. It wasn't normalcy, but it was a good start. As soon as the front door closed, I replayed Bryce's message. It was the only thing that seemed to make me happy. Maybe I'd call him tomorrow. Today I had to say goodbye to the bakery. I couldn't take another goodbye right now. I needed to hold on just a little longer. Hell, he probably wouldn't even answer my call.
***
I slid the pan into the oven and set the timer. One last dessert. I wiped down the counter that I had just gotten messy. All I could think about was the fact that I had done it a million times and this would be my last.
I turned around and looked back at the ovens. It seemed like only yesterday when I was putting cookies in the oven with my grandma. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The bakery always smelled like vanilla and fresh bread. If I saved up and opened up another one, would it smell like this? Or was this the last time I'd be able to breathe in my favorite scent?
I quickly wiped my tears away and pulled out my phone. It wasn't fair, but I needed him. I just needed to hear his voice. I didn't care how selfish it seemed. I loved him. Didn't that mean that we could work through this? Didn't that mean I shouldn't give up?
Before I could chicken out, I pressed on Bryce's name in my phone. It rang several times and then went to voicemail. I should hang up. But before I could decide what to do, his voicemail beeped. Shit.
"Bryce? It's me. Alina." I cleared my throat. "Alina Smith." What the hell am I doing? "I don't even know where to start. I know you don't want to see me anymore. I went to Pasadena to see you after the ITAs. And you made it pretty clear..." my voice trailed off. I was silent for a long time. I just didn't know what to say to make it better. "But I just needed you to know how sorry I am. If I could take it back I would. I just really need to hear your voice. I'm saying goodbye..." the phone beeped.
"Shit," I mumbled. I had been rambling too long. The message had cut me off. He was going to think I was saying goodbye to him. I didn't want to say goodbye to him!
I immediately called back. After a few rings it went to voicemail again. "Hi, Bryce. It's me, Alina Smith. Again. I wasn't saying goodbye to you. I don't want to ever say goodbye to you." I laughed awkwardly. "I know that's what you want. And obviously I'll respect your boundaries. I'm not going to stalk you. I mean, I did kind of already, but I won't come back to Pasadena is what I mean." I sighed. "I was saying goodbye to the bakery today is what I was trying to say in my last message. And I know that's not your problem. But, Bryce, you're the only thing that I can think about that makes me happy right now." I could feel myself choking up. "I just want you to know how sorry I am. And how much I love you." Oh God. "How much I'm falling in love with you." I put my face in my hands. "Sorry, that's not true." The voicemail beeped, ending my call again.
"Fuck!" I called him back again. "Bryce, it's Alina again," I said as soon as the voicemail kicked in. "What I meant was that it's not true that I'm falling in love with you. Because I am in love with you. I'm sure you already think I'm a lunatic, so I might as well put it all out there. I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to stop thinking about you. Please, please just call me back. I need you right now." I let my last sentence sit there for a few seconds. "I love you, Bryce." The phone beeped.
I put the phone down and wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. It took every ounce of my resolve to not immediately call him back. I could apologize a million times and confess my feelings a million more. It wasn't going to fix anything.
I sighed and leaned against the counter. Even if he didn't call me back, I was glad I did it. He had to know. Not that he'd believe me. Who falls in love with someone and then immediately has sex with a bunch of other men?
The oven timer went off. I grabbed a potholder and opened up the oven. They looked perfect. I pulled out the pan and set it on top of the stove. Homemade brigadeiros. I had looked up a recipe on my phone.
I wanted to travel back in time to when I was eating my first one. Back when I was first falling for Bryce. I had hoped that making his favorite dessert would help me feel like I was close to him again. I lifted one off the pan and popped it into my mouth.
It was good. But it wasn't as good as it had been in Brazil. It had nothing to do with the taste, though. I closed my eyes and pictured myself back on our first date. I thought about his fingers grabbing my hips in the car. I thought about the way his hand lingered on my back. I thought about him telling me he liked me. It almost felt like he was beside me again. I could almost feel his arms around me.
The bell on the door jingled, signaling that a customer had just walked in.
"We're closed." I turned around to see who had walked in. I swallowed hard. Bryce?
Chapter 54
Alina
My hands gripped the edge of the counter. I wanted to run over to him and jump into his arms. I wanted to kiss every inch of his perfect face. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. "What are you doing here?" I said lamely instead. I could hear how breathless my voice sounded. He was going to think I was psychotic.
"You said you needed me." He walked toward me.
With each step, it seemed like my heart was beating faster and faster. He walked around the counter, stopping a few inches away from me.
He was wearing a pair of jeans and a light blue v-neck T-shirt that matched his eyes perfectly. God, was he handsome. His familiar scent engulfed me. I searched his face, but I couldn't read what he was thinking. He's probably here to serve me with a restraining order.
"I only just left that message."
"Messages," he corrected me with a smile and leaned against the counter.
All I wanted to do was grab the front of his shirt and pull his lips to mine. I realized I was staring at his mouth. I forced myself to look back up at his eyes.
"You went to Pasadena?" he asked.
"You know I did. I went to your apartment. And you didn't buzz me up. I know you don't want..."
"I wasn't there."
"I didn't even tell you when I was there."
He shrugged. "It doesn't matter when you were there, because I flew straight here from Brazil."
"Why?"
"Because I can't stop thinking about you either."
I shook my head. "Y
ou don't have to say that. I know you don't want to be with me anymore. I just needed to apologize. I need you to know how sorry I am. Bryce, I don't even know...I don't have any excuses. I lost my mind. I'm so, so sorry. I can't even express..."
"It wasn't your fault, Alina."
"Yes it was." I could feel my eyes getting teary. "Kristen already told me about what Tim did. But it doesn't matter. It was my fault. And you tried to stop it." I reached up and lightly touched the bruise under his eyes. It had faded, but it was still visible. I slowly ran my thumb along his cheek bone. He didn't shrink away from my touch.
Instead he smiled. "You should see the other guys."
I winced. "Bryce."
He grabbed my hand off his face and pulled me against his chest. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and put his chin on the top of my head. And I couldn't describe the feeling. It was almost like I was home. He held me tightly for a long minute. Maybe he was breathing me in, like I was breathing him in. Maybe he felt like he was finally home too.
"It wasn't your fault, because it was mine," he said softly.
"No," I mumbled into his chest. I wasn't even sure if he had heard me. But then I felt his fingers brush through my hair.
"Remember when you thought that Uber driver kidnapped me?" His body seemed tenser than it had a second ago.
I nodded against the chest.
"He did."
"What do you mean?" I tried to tilt my head back, but his palm was cupping the side of my face, keeping me nestled against his chest.
Right now he needed me just as much as I needed him. At least, he needed me to listen to what he had to say. And I didn't want to move. I wanted his hands on me forever.
"This thug, Rodrigo, was rigging the games. I think he had a lot of operatives. I'm pretty sure Liam was one of them."
Liam. I closed my eyes. Oh God. Poor Liam.
"He threatened to kill Em if I didn't help him. I didn't have a choice, Alina."
His words seemed to settle around me. This time when I moved, he let me take a step back from him and my back hit the counter. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was echoing around the small bakery. "Didn't have a choice for what, Bryce?" But it felt like I already knew what his answer was going to be. I thought about how the line judges so clearly favored Brazil in the game for gold. He rigged the volleyball game which had resulted in the tiebreaker occurring in the first place.
Chapter 55
Bryce
"It's not what you're thinking, Alina." I reached for her hand, but she pulled away from me. I hated seeing her so upset.
"The refs in the volleyball game. Was that you or not?"
I couldn't tell if she was on the verge of tears or about to punch me in the face. She thought I sabotaged her game. That I made her miss out on her dream. It hadn't been me. But if Rodrigo had asked me to do it, I would have. I didn't have a choice. And I felt guilty for what had happened during her game regardless. Because I knew what was happening and all I could do was sit there and watch it unfold.
"No. That wasn't me. I'm sure it was one of the other operatives though. That game was clearly rigged. I'm almost certain of it."
"Then what did you do?"
"Rodrigo wanted me to win my race. And I did. Without cheating. He wanted me to make some ping pong player lose his game. So I had one of the women that worked for Rodrigo have really rough sex with him so he couldn't even walk right." I was hoping that would make her laugh.
Instead she said, "Okay." She was staring at me with her big brown eyes, waiting for whatever horrible thing I was going to say next.
But I didn't want to tell her. I didn't know how she was going to react. The thought of losing her made my chest hurt. The past week had been horrible. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I felt so guilty for what had happened. And I couldn't find her. She hadn't taken any of my calls or responded to my texts. And it killed me. I had this terrifying feeling that I couldn't live without her. Now that she was in front of me again, I knew just how true that was. I couldn't let her go. I just needed her to understand.
"What did you do?" A single tear had fallen from her eye.
I took a step toward her. Her back was pressed against the counter behind her, so she couldn't dodge me. But she didn't flinch. And she let me reach up and wipe the tear off her cheek. I kept my palm pressed against the side of her face and put my other hand on the counter beside her.
"He threatened Em."
"I'm sorry." Her voice came out as a whisper. That wasn't what I expected her to say at all. She should have been throwing a fit and trying to hit me. Instead, she was staring up at me like she could feel my pain. Did she really love me? She was looking at me like she loved me. And I didn't feel like I deserved it. But I wanted to. I so badly wanted to. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I had to tell her.
"Alina." I ran my hand down her cheek and the side of her neck. She seemed to shiver under my touch. All I wanted to do was rip her clothes off and finally have her. After everything that happened, all I wanted to do was officially make her mine. I wanted her to know what I was feeling. Tell her.
I cleared my throat and moved my hand off of her. I put it on the counter on the other side of her, sandwiching her so she couldn't leave immediately. Please understand. Please forgive me.
"The thug, Rodrigo, told me that I had to make sure the US won the tiebreaker," I said. "Tim had already agreed to do the choreography, so I told him to do whatever it took to win. I didn't know what he was planning and I didn't ask until it was too late. Apparently he hacked into the judges computers and found out that they liked gangbang porn or something. And he thought it was going to be him and Kristen on stage, not us. And I couldn't stop it. I tried and I..." I shook my head. "But it's not Tim's fault and it's definitely not your fault. You did exactly what Tim wanted you to do. The whole thing was my fault. I never meant to put you in that position. I never meant to hurt you. And I'm so sorry."
"Why didn't you tell me you were being blackmailed?"
"Because I didn't want to put you in any danger."
Alina looked up at me in silence for a minute. Finally, she said, "Is Em okay?"
That wasn't what I thought she'd say. After everything I had just said, she was wondering how Em was? God, this girl was amazing. "Yeah. Thanks to you. You won because of your sensuality score. And all the judges made it pretty clear about why they scored you so high in that area."
She laughed. "Ugh."
I loved hearing her laugh. "I'm sorry, Alina. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about being kidnapped. If I had just told you..."
"It's okay. Bryce, I don't care about what happened. All I care about right now is that that you're here. And that you're forgiving me?"
I could see the silent plea in her eyes. "Alina, there's nothing to forgive."
She shook her head. "I'd understand."
"What?"
"If you wanted to walk out that door and never talk to me again. I'd understand, Bryce."
That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. Now that I finally had her in front of me again, I wasn't going to let her out of my sight.
"I know what you must think of me," she said. "And despite what you said, it wasn't your fault. I was the one that agreed to all of it. I was the one that completely lost my mind. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't." Her eyes were getting teary. "You must think I'm disgusting."
That was so far from the truth. I thought she was perfect in every way. She was beautiful and sweet. And I hated that she was beating herself up over something that was my fault. I didn't want to see her cry ever again. And I wanted to be the one that was always making her smile and laugh. God, that laugh. It was my favorite sound in the world.
"Alina, I think you're perfect. I wouldn't change a thing about you."
"Even what I did?"
"Even what you did. To be honest, I was a little worried about being your rebound."
Alina laughed. "That's kind of you to s
ay, but I don't believe it."
"I'm serious. I wouldn't change a thing about you. When I was a kid, stuck in those foster homes, I used to wish every night that my parent's hadn't died. I would have given anything to have them back. Maybe it was just my way of coping with it, but over time, I formed a theory that everything that has ever happened to me, whether it's bad or good, has played an integral part in forming who I am and what my life is like. Sure, if I could hold all things equal and go back and time and bring my parents back I would, but that's not how it works. Bringing my parents back would change everything. Maybe I wouldn't have been as close to Em. Maybe I never would have started running. Maybe I never would have met you. Same goes for the tiebreaker. I don't know where I'd be at this moment if that tiebreaker had never occurred, but I know for sure I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here."
"Are you sure? Or are you just saying that you wouldn't want to change the fact that I'm clearly a sex maniac?"
I leaned forward slightly, pressing myself against her. "Did you mean what you said in your messages?"
She swallowed hard. "Every word, Bryce."
Chapter 56
Alina
Bryce let go of the counter and took a step back from me. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. He had been looking at me the same way he had in Brazil. Like all he ever wanted to do was stare into my eyes.
"Bryce." My voice came out as almost a croak.
He walked around the counter toward the door. What the hell? A second ago he was telling me how he wouldn't change a thing about me, and now he was running away. He did think I was disgusting. I freaked him out for confessing my feelings too soon.
"Please don't go. I'm so sorry. You said you forgave me. You can't leave. I don't want you to go. What are you doing?"
Instead of opening the door and walking out of my life, he turned the lock.
The click of the bolt made me gulp.