“Thanks,” she said reluctantly and walked past him. He turned his shoulders a little to let her through.
“Were you trying to run away?” Amari asked, closing the sliding doors and turning to face her.
“I have to go,” she said, standing by the bed. Amari closed the gap between them and stood right by her.
“You said we could talk, Raven.”
“There’s nothing to talk about…” She stopped talking when he moved close to her. He held her arms and she didn’t know how to react. She stood frozen.
“I miss you, Raven. I –I need to be with you, to make things right.” Amari touched her face and she looked down. “I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything to make it right between us again.”
“Amari,” she said but stopped again when he lifted her chin. Before she could protest or move away his lips were on hers, strong, demanding, hungry for her, just as she remembered but somehow more intense. He had taken her by surprise and she went weak, leaning into him, loving him, forgetting what he had done with…
“No,” Raven cried, moving away from him. “Don’t.”
“Raven. I need you.”
“I don’t want you near me. It’s over between us,” she said, moving towards the door and rubbing her treacherous mouth.
“Let’s talk, Ray. I made a huge, terrible mistake.” His eyes were so sincere. It would be easy to just run into his arms and accept the flowers and gifts he had been sending her way, but the headline about a possible baby with that woman made her stomach turn. She couldn’t bring herself to discuss that with him. She wanted to run, run as far away from him as humanly possible.
“I’m leaving, Amari. Just sign the divorce papers.” She walked out the door and started running down the stairs.
“Raven, wait,” Amari called, going after her, but by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs she was at the door. He caught her before she pulled open the wooden doors. He turned her around to face him.
“Raven, you can’t keep avoiding me,” he said, barely out of breath while she panted from the effort.
“I can do whatever I want.”
“Are you trying to punish me? Because it’s working.”
“No,” she said, leaning against the door, out of breath. He kissed her again and he knew she couldn’t resist him. He kissed her neck feeling her breath, still fast from the combination of exertion and desire, fanning his cheek. He claimed her lips again.
“I need you. You are my wife. I can’t lose you,” Amari groaned in her ear, running his hands over her back and pulling her close.
“Amari,” she said, but all he did was silence her with more kisses. She had missed him more than she even knew, but her response to him let her know that they were meant for each other. Their desire for each other was still strong and powerful. When her purse fell to the ground she came back to her senses. She had to wake up from this dream, because that’s what it was. It was over between them.
“Stop,” she said firmly, and he did though he still held her. He looked at her through heavy lidded eyes that always had the power to make her heart race. He knew that.
“Is that what you did with Lexie, Amari? Did you kiss her like this and take off her clothes and have sex with her just as we almost did?” She watched him recoil with disgust. It was like she had poured icy cold water on him. He hadn’t expected that from her.
“That’s not how it was,” Amari said coldly. His face reflected both passion and anger, and was a mirror image of how Raven felt.
“Spare me the details, Amari. Never touch me again,” Raven spat out and opened the door. This time Amari didn’t try to stop her.
* * *
Lexie laid back in the creamy bubbles, letting the smooth warm water ease away the tension. Nothing was going as she had predicted. She didn’t want to doubt herself and the power that she knew a woman of her beauty and brains possessed, but Amari was becoming more of a challenge than anticipated. She had hoped that Amari would be by her side when she did the interview she was about to hold with Challenge, the new fashion magazine. She wanted to reveal her upcoming nuptials and also announce the addition to her family. Now all the answers she had prepared would have to change. She had to come up with some other answers to the questions the writer had given her in advance.
Sinking her shoulders deeper into the water she played in her mind all that had happened since she met Amari. It was like a movie that she would never know the end to. All her plans had finally led to the seduction, the remembrance of which caused her to sigh contentedly. Oh, after that she had played the media; the hints dropped around the right ears to the right editors had definitely contributed to her story reaching headlines. The divorce news had reached her, but still Amari had not made a commitment to her. What was preventing him from cutting his cords with that boring wife of his?
Later that day, as she was getting her hair and make up done for the photo shoot and interview, Renata arrived with her ever-present leather briefcase. She wanted to go over the interview questions with Lexie so she wouldn’t say anything that might give her problems later on in life. In the past Lexie had been eager to blurt out anything to reporters, and some of her careless words came back to haunt her. She’d hired Renata to make sure she didn’t sabotage her new squeaky-clean image.
Lexie listened as Renata mapped out her schedule for the next few weeks. It was a rigorous itinerary, but Lexie was now a pro. The only thing Renata was worrying about was the scandal. How on earth could she spin that whole affair in a positive light? Renata decided Lexie would just have to ride the wave of public opinion.
The photographs were taken and Lexie made a decision that might have been a gamble. So far her pregnancy had just been speculation in the tabloids. Now it was time to play the card she had been holding close to her chest. Amari might kill her, but he left her no choice. She was not going to be a single mother much longer, especially when her own biological child was on the way. Now, an hour into the interview, the questions she had been waiting for were broached.
* * *
Interviewer: Ms. Hart. There have been so many rumors in the tabloids about you and one of your leading men. What do you say about that?
Lexie: I also read them. All I’ll say is this. Whatever is happening between us is something I’d like to keep quiet. We still have to work through some issues.
Interviewer: What about the baby rumors?
Lexie: You have put me on the spot. To deny it would be the easiest thing, but I always want to be a woman of honesty and truth.
Interviewer: So you are pregnant?
Lexie: May I not answer that for now?
Chapter 27
“We’ll go to church together and you can hold your head up high.”
Clare woke up determined to get Raven up and about, and especially to church. She had found her daughter lying staring into space. Clare was sure that she wasn’t getting much sleep.
“I don’t know, Ma. I just hate everybody talking about me behind my back, whispering about me.”
Clare cut her off at once. “No. It’s not your fault, so don’t act like you did anything wrong. Get dressed and we are going to church today. At least the first service.”
“Do you think it’s a good idea, Mom?” Raven sat up straighter. Her hair was a huge mess around her head. Clare held her tongue. She was about to criticize, but she knew that would ensure a fight and worsen their relationship.
“It is. I don’t think staying cooped up in the house all by yourself will make you feel better. You will get stronger when you learn to face the world, face the problems headlong. Don’t hide.”
Mother and daughter regarded each other. Clare tilted her head sideways regarding her. “I’ll help you choose something to wear if you like. Come on, get out of bed.”
“Give me a few minutes, Ma. I’ll be ready soon.”
Raven dressed in a dark pencil skirt and white voluminous blouse and silver stiletto sandals. She worked hard on her makeup a
nd tied her thick hair back in a tight chignon. Her image brooked no nonsense, and that’s exactly how she wanted to appear. Nobody at church would mess with her.
“You look great,” Clare said as Raven glanced at herself in the mirror one last time.
“Thanks. I don’t feel great. Now you look incredible.”
“Thank you.”
“I sometimes wish I looked more like you.”
“That’s nonsense, Ray. What’s wrong with the way you look?”
“You know. As much as we think we’ve progressed as a race we still are judged by our skin color, hair texture or so many little things.”
Clare sighed, and then turned Raven around to look at her.
“Darling, look. We all can’t look the same. I’ve watched you for years try and compare yourself…”
“I wasn’t the one, it was other people!”
“Still, Ray. You never really take compliments. Even now, I can tell you still think you don’t deserve Amari. I want you to stop it! Stop it!”
“Ma!”
“No, Raven. Sometimes I think even your choice to leave the church is all to do with this, this outside exterior when inside you are so much better than all of us. You do so much for others. Your whole life is about serving. Don’t listen to what people say. I think I want you to stand tall, not because of what you look like outside, but who you are inside. And besides, I want you to tell yourself you are beautiful and mean it. If you believe it then everybody else will, too.”
“I don’t want to talk about this, Ma. Let’s just go.”
Clare sighed again, not sure she should say this. “I was the same, Ray. I never thought I was pretty enough.”
“Oh, not you, Ma. You’ve always been…so beautiful. Everybody copies your style, hair, makeup…”
“Yeah, but it’s different from you. For me it was because I never really knew my father, just knew of him. My mother was too busy with her own life to care for me. I just felt unwanted, and because of that made many bad choices in school…”
“Really?”
“Low self-esteem comes in many forms, but we have to let it go, not let it control our lives. At some point you have to say, ‘Yes I deserve the best’ and ‘Yes, I am beautiful and nobody can tell me different.’ ”
“I’ll try.” Raven smiled, feeling closer to her mother than at any other time in her life. Clare had insecurities, too? Clare Davies, her stunning mother, had felt not good enough, too?
“Good. Let me get my hat from upstairs.”
Clare walked out and Raven looked at herself, really studied herself anew. Her skin was glowing, her eyes very pretty and expressive. She knew she was kind, caring and smart. She looked great and her legs were toned and shapely. She smiled, trying to be kind to herself. She should be kinder to herself because she only had one life to live and she would learn to be the voice of encouragement amidst life’s criticisms.
They arrived at Calvary Worship early and Raven hid in her father’s office while everybody went to a pre-service prayer. She didn’t want to be a part of that yet, though lately she had been feeling a call to get involved in something with her family. They were constant and true and wouldn’t hurt her the way Amari had done. The past few weeks had given her time to reflect, and she was beginning to accept that her fear of failure was what kept her from finding her gifts to use in Calvary Worship or any other church. Clare was right. It was time to stop hiding.
After the prayer session Esther came back to get her from Philip’s office.
“Let’s go in,” she said, and they walked together in to the service. Angelo led praise and worship and, during the fast song, Raven was very conscious of the eyes on her back. She had to fight the urge to leave. The worship song reminded her of God’s love and she felt tears sting her eyes as they sang, “I trust you, Lord. Even when I don’t feel you near.”
Oh, Father. I’ve been so focused on my own problems when you died for me. For me that I should live free and with joy. Forgive me. Forgive me.
Raven’s head was bowed when Pastor Davies walked up to the podium. When she looked up she almost died of shock. Amari stood with her father, right there in front of the thousands who attended church that Sunday. Oh, my God. What’s going on? Let me disappear, please. Don’t let him talk about me.
The music stopped and everybody in the church seemed to take a collective breath of shock. Everybody knew about Amari and her. Everybody knew about their lavish wedding two years before, everybody had read magazines that made a mockery of her marriage, and now the object of her shame and anger stood right in front of her father’s church.
Pastor Philip Davies began to speak. “Before we start service my son, my daughter’s husband who some of you know, Amari Thomas, wanted to address the church as part of our testimony time. Please allow him to speak his heart for a few minutes and then we will get on the word, which I am excited to say today will be given by our associate pastor, Simon Pauling.”
“Good morning, church,” Amari began. The congregation said a united ‘good morning.’ Raven’s mouth was dry and she knew that she couldn’t leave. She was stuck in this nightmare. She remembered the dream she used to have when she would suddenly find herself naked in front of people from church. Someone had told her that that dream meant that she felt inferior to whoever saw her naked. There were a lot of people in that dream. At that moment, she felt naked and unable to hide her shame from the rest of the church. The buzzing in her head and the sweat in her palms was evidence enough that she was about to be humiliated.
“I would like to thank Pastor Davies for allowing me to speak to you all this morning.” Amari paused and looked around at the congregation. He seemed calm and humble at the same time. “I remember two years ago when I married my lovely wife Raven. You all wished us well.”
Amari stopped. Raven began to tremble. Clare held her arm as if she knew Raven was about to get up and run.
“I also know that most people in this building have read some incriminating stories about me in the press. All I want to say is, yes, I made a mistake, but the press exaggerates. I want to say in front of everyone that respects the Davies family that I love my wife and I pray that she’ll forgive me. I sinned against God and I ask the forgiveness of all the people I may have offended because of this mess. Thank you for your time.”
Amari handed the microphone to Pastor Davies as the church applauded and gave him a standing ovation. Raven wanted to die. She tried to remain seated, but a burning feeling in her seat sent her to her feet. Struggling to move away from her mother’s grasp, she ran for the exit.
“Raven!” she heard Amari’s voice but she continued to run as all the worshipers stared and gawked. Even if her life depended on it she could not remain in that sanctuary. Nothing could keep her sitting while her blood boiled and her body soaked in sweat. She finally reached the door and escaped outside, promising herself that she would never set foot in her father’s church again. Once outside she took in a deep breath and looked around for a place to go. Of course she had come in to church with her parents so didn’t have a car.
She started walking towards the exit to a major road when she felt Amari grip her arms.
“Ray,” he said. Raven shook her head, turning away from him. Her face was awash with tears and she didn’t want him to see her cry. “Look at me.”
She shook her head, looking down and taking a deep breath.
“Honey…please.”
His voice cracked with emotion. She turned to him. His head was blocking the sun but she could see the moisture in his eyes. Her heart broke, but she told herself she was being weak again.
“What, Amari? What you did…in there,” Raven stammered, pointing towards the church building behind them.
“I’m trying to reach you. I—heard about what people were saying in the church, calling you, calling your family. I wanted to put a stop to it. They need to know that I was wrong and I am sorry.”
“Good for you, but now they’
ll focus on it even more. I mean what…You know what, I don’t even want to talk to you right now.”
“Ray. I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks. Don’t you think you’ve been silent for too long?”
“What’s there to talk about?” Raven broke in, folding her hands in front of her chest.
“I feel terrible.” Amari began, and then held up his hand. “I was awful. I made a terrible mistake. I was weak, the whole thing was pathetic, but I want us to talk. I need a second chance.”
“I don’t know. I just want to get away from here right now. I—I don’t want to be here and I didn’t bring my car.”
Amari sighed, frustrated. She wasn’t making it easy on him. He felt her pain. He was ashamed. He had let so many people down. The young men who looked up to him. The whole church who thought he was different and would be a faithful husband. A godly man.
“I don’t want a divorce, Ray. God hates divorce.”
“If you are going to quote the Bible then read Matthew, Amari,” Raven scolded, her anger building. “What you did is grounds for divorce. Unfaithfulness is what God hates more!”
“Okay. Okay, you are right. I deserve every bad thought you have towards me, but can’t we go somewhere and talk?”
“No.” She shook her head, looking at the ground. She noticed some people staring at them as they walked towards the church, almost an hour late for the service.
“I just want to leave. Maybe we can talk later. Right now I can’t even think straight.”
“Fine. Why don’t you take my car? I’ll find my way to pick it up later. But you have to meet with me tonight. We can go somewhere and talk.”
“In public.”
Amari laughed at that, but saw that Raven meant business. “Are you sure?”
“I mean I don’t want to be alone with you somewhere, like, the house. Okay, I’ll see you then. Can I have the keys?” Raven held out her hand.
Show Me the Sun Page 17