Looking for Julie

by Jackie Calhoun

  Lynn nudged Edie and whispered, “That’s Frankie.”

  To Edie’s surprise, Frankie was not even remotely attractive. She was heavyset, and her “great hair” was bottle blonde with dark roots. Her eyes were her best feature.

  When the meeting adjourned, Lynn introduced her to Frankie.

  “You’re the skier Lynn talks about.” Her hand closed over Edie’s and she gave her a big, friendly smile that almost won Edie over. “I wish I could ski. I can barely walk a straight line.” She put an arm around Pam. “Here’s the woman you want for a skiing companion.”

  “Oh, I know,” Edie said. “I’ve skied with her.” That was when she noticed Claire standing inside the doorway, and everyone in the room faded to background.

  Claire was having an animated conversation with Janine, who had apparently arrived with her. Edie excused herself and walked over to them, but they continued talking as if she weren’t standing nearby.

  “Do you always eavesdrop on other people’s conversations?” Claire asked, spinning toward her as if she’d just noticed her.

  “I wasn’t…” she began, but she was of course. Bruised, she slunk back to the people bunched around Frankie. Pam appeared at her elbow. “Are you coming back for the afternoon session?”

  She hadn’t known there was an afternoon session. “I don’t think so.”

  “We’ll break down into groups. You get to know more people that way.”

  “I guess I’m one of those members who just pays her dues.” When Pam looked disappointed, Edie said, “I think it’s great that you’re involved, but I’ve been trying to change the way things are for a long, long time.” She figured she’d done her part. She was watching Claire and Janine, fearing they would leave.

  “C’mon with us for lunch. It’s not the best food, but it’s good enough and relatively cheap.”

  She filled a tray with an iceberg lettuce salad and a turkey sandwich and sat between Pam and Lynn, who was sitting next to Frankie. Claire and Janine were at another table, laughing it up with three guys, all of them gay. When her tablemates talked about gay marriage as opposed to domestic partnership, she said nothing at first.

  She believed everybody should have domestic partnerships, gay and straight. She didn’t want to tie her money up with someone else’s. Maybe she’d been single too long.

  Frankie said, “Like I said, it’s about equal rights.”

  She took a deep breath, her gaze holding Frankie’s. “I think everyone should have civil unions. That’s what marriage really is, right?”

  Frankie smiled. “Marriage is a sacred institution to most people. If nothing else we ought to enjoy the same rights as married couples—the right to our spouse’s Social Security, for instance.”

  She paid, wondering what she would do with the afternoon. She was deeply sorry that she wasn’t skiing. “I think I’ll just check out the bookstores,” she said to Lynn when the group headed for the elevators. “Where should I meet you?”

  “Call me around four or I’ll call you.” Lynn was animated, full of smiles and laughter. Edie was trying to recall if she’d ever been this way around her. She felt lonely.

  On State Street she ducked into shops selling souvenirs, into clothing stores that had no clothes that would fit her and into bookstores. She went to Room Of One’s Own where she browsed the books and bought a coffee. She went to Borders and found a chair where she paged through a few books from the sales table. It was there that she looked up to see Claire standing in front of her.

  A rush of adrenaline coursed through her like a small jolt of electricity. “I’d given up on you.”

  “What are you reading?” Claire asked, her eyes full of mischief.

  “I’m just passing time,” she said. She glanced at her watch but the time didn’t register.

  “Want to go to my place?” Claire gave Edie a wicked smile and Edie was lost.

  “Where is Janine?”

  She waved a dismissive hand. “I don’t know.”

  They walked to a nearby parking ramp where Claire’s Escape waited. Neither had spoken since leaving Borders. At the duplex a car was parked out front.

  “It looks like Janine is here.” Claire unlocked the door. “C’mon,” she said when Edie hesitated. Grabbing Edie’s hand she led her to the bedroom, saying when she got there, “What are you doing here?”

  Janine was lying on the bed with nothing on. She smiled at them. “Waiting.”

  Edie took one look and her heart went wild. “I have to go,” she said and whirled back toward the door, the image of Janine’s dusky body implanted in her brain. She knew she’d never forget the slow smile, the dark breasts and darker nipples, the flat belly and black patch of curly hair sprouting between Janine’s crossed legs. Her toenails were painted a bright red.

  Claire darted ahead of Edie and stood in front of the door as if to bar Edie’s escape. “Don’t run away. It’ll be fun.”

  Her face burned as her pulse raced without a beat. “Let me go, Claire. This is not my thing.”

  “You don’t want me?” Claire said, her lovely mouth pushed into a pout.

  “I don’t want both of you.” She felt big and hot and terribly uncomfortable.

  Claire ran a hand down her arm and sidled closer. “You are so good in bed. Won’t you show Janine your talent?” She stood on her toes to kiss Edie, who closed her eyes and let it happen. Reluctantly, she took Claire by the arms and set her aside. “Now I must go.”

  She was out the door, down the steps, striding away. The cold air soothed her hot skin. Where would she go, she wondered, and then realized that Claire was following her in Janine’s car.

  Claire called out the window. “Get in, Edie. I’ll send Janine home. It’s cold.”

  It reminded Edie of when she was a teenager and her best friend turned on her, riding in a car with her new best friend, taunting her as she walked home from school. She’d never understood why they bothered to follow her, much less mock her. It broke her heart, of course, and she never told anyone because she was so ashamed.

  She kept going, even when Claire hollered that she was sorry. When she remembered her phone, she pulled it out of her jacket pocket and called Lynn. A glance at her watch told her it was close to four. “I need a ride,” she said when Lynn answered.

  It was Pam who picked her up and took her home with her for the night. Claire had long since turned around and gone back the way she’d come.

  Pam talked about the meeting while Edie looked out the passenger window. She saw nothing and heard less. She ached so much that it hurt to breathe. Once in a while, she muttered a mindless response as Pam kept up a patter of words.

  “Pam, do you know where I was?” she asked abruptly.

  Pam shot her a nervous look. “With Claire?”

  “Yes.” Knowing that she might never be with Claire again was a stabbing pain in her chest.

  “Are you all right?”

  She snorted a laugh. How could she tell Pam what had happened? It made her look such a fool. “Yes. No. Thanks for picking me up.”

  “Hey, my pleasure.”

  She slept on Pam’s futon, picking up In The Time Of The Butterflies, finding her place and finishing the book before falling asleep. Over coffee the next morning, she asked Pam where she had met Claire and how long she’d known her.

  “At a meeting. Where else? About four years ago, I guess.”

  “Are you good friends?”

  “As good as it gets with Claire. Any plans to get together might be cancelled at the last minute if Janine comes into the picture.”

  “But you went skiing together.”

  “Janine was out of town.”

  “Claire must like to ski. Why else would she go with you?” She was remembering the previous weekend.

  “She had nothing else to do, that’s why she went. Why?”

  “She called me, wanting to go up north to ski last weekend, and when we got there, she didn’t really want to ski at all.” Pam l
ooked away, and Edie knew she had hurt her because she hadn’t invited her. “It was sort of a last-minute thing. I should have asked you. You’d have been more fun.”

  Pam smiled wryly, and Edie wondered what she wasn’t saying. “I’m sorry, Pam.”

  “No problem. I completely understand. Whatever Claire wants, Claire gets.”

  The implication left Edie feeling both flattered—that Claire would want her—and insulted—that she was so easy to get. “Yeah, well,” but she couldn’t bring herself to say it was over. She found to her disgust that she was on the verge of tears.

  Pam squeezed her arm. “Hey, I’m sorry.”

  She laughed, embarrassed that this conversation was even taking place. The ringing doorbell saved her from further humiliation. She was sure it was Lynn, but when Pam opened the door, Claire stood in the opening.

  Edie pulled her phone out of her pocket and put in Lynn’s number. When she got voice mail, she said, “Come get me at Pam’s, Lynn.”

  When Claire walked into the apartment, she took up all the breathing space. “Aren’t you going to offer me a cup of coffee?”

  “I’ll make another pot,” Pam said.

  She dropped her purse on the floor near the door and took a chair at the table. Propping her chin in her hand, she looked at Edie. “Want to have dinner together?”

  Which meant a romp in bed, of course. “Lynn is picking me up soon. We’re going home.” The realization that it wasn’t over with Claire came with great relief and as much shame.

  Pam ground the coffee beans, while Claire stared at Edie. “Do you have to go home with her?”

  “Yes. I don’t have a car.”

  “Okay then,” Claire said harshly. “It was a mistake, Janine being there. When are you coming back?”

  Edie glanced at Pam, feeling her discomfort in a conversation that excluded her. “I don’t know.”

  “Be that way,” Claire said, getting up and striding toward the door. “I try to do you a favor,” she said with her hand on the doorknob, “and you blow me off.”

  With surprise, Edie realized that looks really could be daggers. She felt the sting. Claire opened the door and nearly ran into Lynn.

  “What was that all about?” Lynn asked when she was inside and Claire was gone.

  “Much ado about nada,” Edie said. With Claire gone, the tension in the room fizzled, but along with it went the excitement.

  “Whew,” Pam said, and Lynn laughed.

  Edie smiled, although it was painful. She was miserable and Lynn was happy. Maybe she should look for a Frankie like Pam, but the vibes weren’t there. It wouldn’t be fair to her or Pam.

  On the way home Edie asked, “Do you think I’m a prude?”

  Lynn glanced at her. “Why?”

  “Did you ever go to bed with more than one woman at a time?”

  Lynn said, “I sometimes take the wrong road right around here. I need to pay attention or we’ll end up in Baraboo.”

  “You did, didn’t you?” Her face was hot with the thought of what she might have done had she known that Lynn had already crossed that ground. A moment of regret came and went. What were the logistics? How did you make love to two women at once, especially if they only wanted to be on the receiving end?

  “It’s not something I want people to know. You have to promise to tell no one.” The two of them alone in the car created an intimacy.

  “Who would I tell?”

  “Promise,” Lynn insisted.

  “Only if you ’fess up,” she said.

  “It was long before I met you, when I was coming out. My roommates and I had been smoking dope, and it just sort of happened. I remember thinking at the time that it was more fun with two than three. It was sort of awkward, but it worked.” There was a pause before she asked, “So what happened?”

  “I walked away from Claire and Janine.”

  After a pause, Lynn said, “How could you let that chance slip away? Sex with the awesome twosome?” She laughed.

  Edie forced a laugh. “I couldn’t do it.”

  “What I wouldn’t give to have that opportunity.” Lynn shot her a grin, which quickly faded into concern. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Lynn reached over and patted her hand. “She must be a good lover.”

  “She’s a terrible lover, but for some goddamn reason I don’t care.”

  “Is this really serious?”

  “It is right now. I didn’t know anyone had that much power over me. I hate it and I think she does too.”

  “How’s that?”

  “I don’t think she wants to want me, but she can’t help it either.”

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say to that.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t know what to do about it.” She stared moodily out the window.

  “Want some advice?”

  Edie was pretty sure she knew what that advice would be and she was right.

  “Don’t answer the phone when she calls. Don’t go to Madison. Don’t invite her to Point. You’ll get over it. Ski your ass off, instead.” Lynn grinned and continued, “Or screw her as often as you can till you’re sick of her.”

  Surprised, Edie laughed. “So, I have your blessing?”

  “I won’t go that far. I won’t hold it against you, though.”

  She smiled. Not sure she would be able to take the first advice, she was glad for the second—that is if Claire ever made contact with her again. When she got home she e-mailed Jennifer.

  Want to ski next weekend?

  Chapter Nine

  Nita only had so much patience, it seemed. She wouldn’t hang around with Sam, who was waiting for Jamie to collect his car from where he’d found a parking space two blocks away. She walked ahead, saying they could pick her up on the way if she didn’t get back to the apartment first.

  Sam stood in the doorway of Chili Verde. It was the beginning of February and there was just a hint of warmth in the air. She clutched her jacket tightly around her and stomped her feet to fend off the cold. She had wanted to go with Jamie to get the car, but Nita had still been there then so she stayed with her, and then Nita suddenly decided to leave. She’d watched her worriedly until she disappeared from view, agonizing about whether she should run after her. In the end, she waited for Jamie.

  He’d gotten the muffler repaired, so that the Escort sounded like most cars. When he turned the corner and parked in front of the restaurant, she hurriedly climbed in the front seat.

  “Nita wouldn’t wait. She’s walking home. We better catch her.”

  Jamie goosed the car and they burned tire for a few hundred feet in the otherwise quiet night. Pinned to the back of the seat, Sam tried to fasten her seat belt. She shivered as she perused the sidewalk for signs of Nita.

  The day after Edie had brought Jamie the car, Sam and Karen and Jamie had tried to remove the bumper stickers without much success. After hours of washing and scraping when there were still pieces of sayings stuck all over the vehicle, Jamie covered them with new stickers—Escape to Wisconsin, UW-Wisconsin, Badgers On Board. The idea had been to make the car less obvious. What they’d done was make the car inoffensive. Other students blew their horns or shouted and gave them thumbs-up as they passed.

  At the apartment, he and Sam piled out of the car and raced to the door. Sam fumbled with her key. Nita opened up before the lock turned and they fell inside.

  “I made it home,” she said, looking pleased.

  “That doesn’t make you safe, Nita,” Sam said, as they stood crowded together.

  “Maybe you’re not safe, but I probably am. I doubt if he connects me with you or Jamie.” She put her hands on her hips. “I’m going to bed now. Don’t wake me up in the morning.”

  “Do I ever?” Sam asked, wishing Karen were there with them. Her one weekend alone with Karen in the dorm had been a learning experience. Her crotch tingled when she thought of those two days. There’d been little opportunity since for anything but quickies under the covers at Sam’s apartment. T
hey never knew when Nita would burst into the room. Once she’d caught them in mid-sex, and they’d had to pretend nothing was happening. It really put a damper on the act.

  Before Sam fell asleep, her hands wandered over her body, reliving that weekend. She dreamed of sex awake and asleep. When Karen smiled at her in a certain way in public, she turned bright red, sure that everyone knew what the two of them were doing when they were alone. Karen had gone home this weekend to take care of her younger brother and sister while her parents went to some conference.

  Nita was always annoyed with Sam now, nagging her for stupid things like leaving books on the living room floor, as if she never did that. She watched as Nita disappeared into her bedroom before whispering to Jamie. “You better go.”

  “Okay,” he whispered back. His so-called dream guy hadn’t worked out. When he closed the door behind him, he yelled, “Hey,” and a chill of pure terror swept through her.

  She flung the door wide and yelled, “Get in here, Jamie. Quick!”

  Instead, Jamie ran toward his car, screaming, “Call nine-one-one and lock the door.”

  With the door still open she pushed in the numbers on her cell with shaking fingers. Nita ran out of her bedroom and called for Jamie to come inside. When he kept hollering for her to shut and lock the door, she did.

  Sam was crying on the phone and Nita took it away from her. “Yeah, four-thirty-five West Washington. Hurry! He’s beating on the car with a tire iron, and he just hit the owner with it. We’re trying to get him inside. He won’t come.”

  But then Jamie was banging on the door. Sam unlocked it and he stumbled inside. She slammed the door shut as tires spun on icy pavement, then caught and squealed away. Sirens filled the night air.

  Jamie was holding his right arm carefully with his left hand. It looked crooked, and he stared at it a moment and then staggered to the couch. Sam sat next to him, wondering how they were going to get him to UHS or to the hospital.