Rambo came running over as if he knew we were talking about him and I tried to cover up my sneeze with a cough.
Multiple things happened at once.
“The dog goes out,” Emily demanded.
“She can stay with us. We just painted the spare room for the baby, so the window has to stay open,” Lenox offered.
“She can have the couch at our house,” Levi said.
“She’ll stay with me. She’s not sleeping on a couch. And it’s humid as balls out; no way is anyone sleeping with a window open. Rambo would bark his head off if you lock him outside and no one would get rest for a three-mile radius with a puppy yapping all night.”
Then they all agreed with Clark; “you’re right” “it’s settled” and “good idea” filled the room as I sat in shock.
I was not staying with Clark. I wasn’t some kid that needed the adults in the room to make sleeping arrangements for her. I could stay in a hotel for the night, or I could take some allergy medication and tough it out.
“You ready?” Lenox asked Lily.
“Yeah, Carter is wiped.”
And that started off the “goodbyes” and “nice to meet yous.” It was a good thing everyone else was leaving. I could tell Jasper and Emily I was going to a hotel without an audience. Clark would be there, but he no longer counted as a stranger to me. Besides, I needed to talk to him too.
“Listen, guys; I’m fine really.”
I wasn’t done with the speech I had prepared about how tough I was, and a little dog wasn’t going to bother me when Clark cut me off.
“You’re not fine. Your eyes are puffy, you’ve been sneezing, and now your nose is starting to run.”
“Thanks for pointing all that out, Captain Obvious,” I snapped.
I didn’t like that Clark was seeing me like this. I still hadn’t looked in the mirror, but I was sure I looked like shit. I wasn’t vain, but I still didn’t want to look miserable in front of the man. He was freaking model gorgeous. Here I was thinking about ripping off his clothes every time I looked at him and having my way with him, and he was thinking about getting me a Kleenex for my runny nose.
Why me?
“Rea, I think it’s a good idea you stay with Clark. If you stay here, loaded up on allergy meds, you’ll be groggy and miserable,” Jasper said.
“Besides, you don’t want your eyes all bloodshot for the wedding pictures,” Emily added.
I was beginning to annoy myself for being so insecure, but maybe this was the out they wanted. Both seemed very happy for me to be leaving their home. I could make it easier for everyone and leave with Clark. He’d understand once I explained to him why I needed to stay in a hotel. Well, mostly he’d understand the excuses I was going to offer. I would not, however, be telling him the whole truth. That was too embarrassing.
“Okay. I’ll pack up my stuff now.”
I didn’t have a lot to clean up and shove in my suitcase. I spent the time preparing what I was going to say to Clark.
Staying with him wasn’t an option. There was no way I could be around the man without doing something stupid like begging him to kiss me, or better yet, pleading with him to touch me. While I was at it, knowing me, I’d probably admit that I’ve never had an orgasm and ask him to give me one of those too. Yep, that was something I’d totally do, then Clark would run a mile and kick my ass out on the street.
Huh, maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. That might have to be my backup plan.
Chapter Five
I’d spent the silence of the drive over to my place trying to figure out when I’d turned into such a dumbass. It was no wonder Levi, Jasper, and Lenox all had looked at me like I’d grown three heads when I offered for Reagan to stay at my house. The women had readily agreed and wouldn’t understand the significance of my offer. But the guys did, and Jasper had eyed me until he finally relented and nodded his approval.
Now I was fucked. Stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place not sure how to proceed, which was unusual for me. I normally knew with great clarity my plan of attack. Only with her, I couldn’t seem to get my head on straight. My thoughts and feelings about her seemed to be as clear as mud. I didn’t want to be around her, but I didn’t want her out of my sight. Thankfully none of the guys had asked or brought up Reagan when we were out back. The team had bigger things to worry about than a girl singing in my Jeep. We had new information about an oil platform owned by Alger Energy. After months of digging and gathering intel, Blake thought she’d finally put together the pieces and wanted to meet tomorrow at the hangar to go over details.
Reagan seemed to be thinking as well and made no effort to make small talk or fuss with the radio. I should’ve been grateful for the silence, but I found I didn’t like it, not with her. So much of my life was chaotic; I normally liked the solitude and stillness. I didn’t need mindless chatter to fill the void. But with her sitting next to me it felt wrong, lonely even. She was a few feet away from me, but we might as well have been miles.
Why wasn’t I happy she didn’t want to talk?
We pulled up to the house I rented, and I wondered if she’d be scared way out in the middle of nowhere with me. I should’ve told her I lived off the beaten path. My closest neighbor was miles away, just how I liked it. No one to bother me.
“This is beautiful,” she said, putting my fears to rest. “Back home in Montana, before my parents moved, we had five hundred acres. Dad rented it out to a rancher who raised beef cattle.”
I had forgotten she’d grown up in the country; so much of her screamed city girl.
“I like it out here, reminds me of home too.”
“Where are you from?” she asked.
“Nebraska. Come on, let’s get inside,” I suggested before she could ask me anything more. And for the first time in my adult life, it wasn’t because I didn’t want a woman prying into my life, but because I was finding I didn’t mind telling her things. And that bothered me.
I left her by the front door and went to disarm the alarm and turn on lights.
“Wow. This is really nice,” she said. “Not what I expected.”
“What’d you expect? A shithole?” I laughed, this girl just blurted out the first thing she thought, social grace be damned.
“No. I guess I expected more of a bachelor pad. You know gun racks, swords mounted on the walls, posters of naked women.” She smiled. “I’m joking, by the way.”
“I’ve lived most of my life holed up in dirty, shit places. When I’m home, I want to be around nice things.”
“I thought you guys tested gear and stuff. Mostly paperwork. Did you deploy a lot before you came to Georgia?”
I was getting too comfortable around her and forgetting myself.
“Yeah. Something like that. Come on; I’ll show you to your room.”
She quietly followed me down the hall, stopping behind me when I pushed the door open to the spare bedroom and stepped aside.
“The bathroom is across the hall. There are towels in the linen closet in there. I don’t have girly shit, but there’s soap under there too. “
“Thanks, Clark. I appreciate you letting me stay here. I’ll look for a hotel to stay in tomorrow.”
“Why would you do that? You can stay here until you go to Florida.”
Why did I just offer that? If she wanted to stay in a hotel, I should be ecstatic and offer to help her find one.
“For one, I don’t want to put you out. It’s cool of you to let me crash here tonight. I got the impression that both Jasper and Emily were happy to have me go. They nearly pushed me out the door with you. The truth is, I’m gonna head down to Florida soon anyway. I’ll fly up for the wedding if they still want me there.”
“That’s fucked.”
“What is?” she asked.
“That you think so little of Emily and Jasper that you’d say they were pushing you out of their house. I was standing there; that’s not what happened. The fact you’d even say that is more about y
ou than them. I watched everyone tonight; they all welcomed you into the fold. Even Levi, and I gotta tell you that is surprising. His trust issues make mine look normal.”
“You have trust issues?” she asked.
I didn’t know what to do with this woman; she had no sense of margins whatsoever.
“Reagan,” I snapped.
“You’re right. It does say something about me. It says I’m a self-absorbed bitch that is more worried about my feelings than the kindness that others have shown me. And before you say it, I know, I need to get the fuck over myself. But I don’t know how to do it. I’m scared. I know it sounds stupid, but I lost Jasper’s friendship for a long time. And it sucked, big time. He was always my big brother, a part of my family. I’m waiting for that to get ripped away again. Did you know when I was growing up, Jasper was the one I cried to when a boy broke my heart or the girls in school were acting like stuck-up bitches? And that was often. I had my sister and Jasper. That was it. Then everything happened with Liz, and he disappeared and left us. When they died, all I wished for was for him to be there. He’d know what to do; he would handle everything. My mom was a mess, my dad was completely shattered, and I didn’t have the first clue how to fix it. But he would’ve. If I lose that again, it’s gonna suck.”
I was pissed, and I didn’t understand why, and I couldn’t wrap my head around the irrational jealousy that was pushing its way out of my mouth. “Are you in love with him?”
Reagan stumbled back like I’d physically struck her. “What the hell did you just ask me?”
“Kinda sounds like it.”
“Did you miss the part where I said he was a big brother to me. I have never looked at Jasper in a way that was not brotherly, ever. First, he belonged to my sister, and there are lines you do not cross in this world. Touching, thinking about, or stealing your sister’s boyfriend is on the top of the list. I loved my sister and would never in a million years think about touching her man. Even after they’d broken up. He has always been my friend. Just a friend. You know what those are, right? Someone you can count on and talk to. Someone that will hold your hand through shit times. That’s all he’s ever been and will be to me. I want Jasper happy. Emily is the person that can give him the life he deserves. Her and Jason. He needs to be a father.” Reagan stopped, and she cut her eyes at me; even fuming mad and red-eyed she was gorgeous. “And fuck you for thinking I was the type of woman that would break up a family.”
I deserved that.
However, she had it all wrong. I wasn’t accusing her; I was envious. Only I couldn’t explain that to her without telling her I was consumed with jealousy when she spoke about Jasper and their friendship. I didn’t want to tell her that not all siblings had those same boundaries and they would fuck your wife while you were on deployment.
For some unknown reason, I wanted to be the person she wanted around when she needed someone. That thought freaked me the fuck out. Why in God’s good name would I ever want the responsibility of another woman? Especially knowing, in the end, they always screwed you over. But not Reagan. I knew down to my soul she wouldn’t lie to and cheat on her man.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. That’s not how I meant it.”
“Oh no? Then how’d you mean it?”
This girl was feisty. I couldn’t remember another time that a woman had held my feet to the fire and didn’t let me off the hook. My wife never did. She either didn’t care enough, or she was too busy chasing Nick to worry about what I was doing.
“I didn’t mean it to come out sounding like I thought you’d go after Jasper. Not then and not now.”
“Then why’d you say it?” she demanded, not relenting.
“Just take my word -”
“Seriously? You call me a homewrecker and you want me to take your word?”
“I said it because I was fucking jealous hearing you talk about Jasper like that. There - are you happy now?”
Good god, she was pushy.
“What?” she whispered.
“Time for bed Reagan. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Instead of heading straight to bed I went outside. I needed a drink and a cigarette to calm my nerves and try to settle my racing thoughts.
Since when did I allow a woman to push me into saying more than I wanted? How in the hell did she get me to admit I was jealous?
Shit.
“Sorry to interrupt.” She was screwing with my head so bad I hadn’t heard the back door open. “I wanted to apologize.”
“Nothing to apologize for.”
“There is. I embarrassed you earlier with my childish behavior and just now for being overly sensitive. If I said I’d overreacted, it’d be an understatement. I’m nervous, and when that happens, I tend not to think before I speak. I’d like to say it won’t happen again, but I’m sure it will.”
How was that for honest?
“Rea, you didn’t embarrass me earlier.”
I regretted the use of her nickname as soon as it slipped out of my mouth. Calling her that seemed far too familiar, and I was trying to keep some distance between us.
“Then why’d you get all broody and stomp away. Not to mention you gave yourself a timeout and went outside as soon as we got there.”
This girl was too fucking much. I took a long pull from my cigarette wishing I was alone to enjoy the one smoke a day I allowed myself in peace. “I just needed a minute to myself.”
“Okay. Well, goodnight Clark.” She looked so dejected, and for once she didn’t push. I should’ve stopped her and explained further, but I didn’t. I needed time to think.
“Goodnight Reagan.”
After Reagan left me outside, I finished my cigarette and went to bed; tossing and turning into the early dawn hours. I couldn’t still my mind or my body. I laid there for hours trying to figure out why I had such a strong reaction to a woman that I barely knew. The physical attraction was a no-brainer. The girl was smokin’ hot. But the emotional connection? That made absolutely no sense.
Chapter Six
Something had pulled me from a fitful sleep. It took a moment for me to get my bearings and remember I was in Clark’s guest room. I sat up in bed and listened, but there was nothing but silence. Just as I dismissed the noise as a dream, I heard it again. It sounded like a man yelling. Without thought, I quickly got out of bed and went to the door. Stopping to listen before I left the safety of my room, I heard it again. Clark yelled out again, but I didn’t hear anyone else. Maybe he was on the phone at - I glanced at the alarm clock on the dresser – four am.
What the hell?
I moved down the hallway toward his bedroom and heard it again.
“Get the fuck off of him,” Clark yelled.
I held my breath, waiting to hear someone else’s voice or commotion in the room. Nothing. His plea was met with silence.
I tapped on the door and waited.
“I will fucking kill you,” he growled.
This time it sounded like there was bang on the wall to accompany his shout.
“Just shoot me and end this.”
I waited another few seconds and braved opening his door.
It was wrong and intrusive, and I didn’t give two shits. Something was wrong.
“Shoot me, motherfucker. We both know you’re going to.”
Clark was in bed thrashing around. His bed sheet was tangled around his legs getting more so as he kicked his feet out and twisted his torso. His face was awash with agony, and his fists were balled at his sides. The closer I got to the bed the more I could see. Even in the early morning light, I could make out the sweat beading on his forehead, rolling down the bridge of his nose and mixing with his tears.
There was something so wrong seeing this big strong man in the grips of a nightmare. He looked tortured, and I couldn’t stand for it another minute. With two more strides, I made it to the side of his bed and leaned over him, shaking him as hard as I could.
“Wake up, Clark.”
Nothing. He thrashed back and forth, and I tried again.
“Clark,” I yelled this time.
One minute I was shaking him; the next we’d crashed to the floor. Clark landed on top of me pushing all the air out of my lungs.
“Ouch! Clark! Wake up.” I struggled against his hold, but I couldn’t move; he was too heavy.
When I finally focused in the dim light, I wished I hadn’t. Clark was staring down at me, his face twisted in anger. His eyes were so full of hate that even though I’d just had the wind knocked out of me, this was somehow more. It was hard to breathe, and it had nothing to do with Clark’s body weight pressing me to the floor. His expression, while furious, was also somehow dead. He wasn’t looking at me; he was looking through me to another place and time.
“Clark, please, you’re hurting me. Wake up.” I stopped fighting and laid limp under him and tried again. “It’s me, Reagan. You’re hurting me. You’re in your room - safe. Please wake up.”
He slowly blinked his eyes and they snapped to mine. “No one is going to hurt you. You’re safe in your house in Georgia.” The more I softly spoke to him, the more alert he became.
“Reagan?” he whispered.
“Yeah, it’s me. You awake yet?” I asked.
Instead of relaxing as I hoped, his body stiffened, and his muscles in his chest flexed. “What the fuck,” he barked and pinned my hands.
“Please wake up,” I cried.
“I am.” He released my hands and rolled to the side, shifted, and brought me up to a sitting position still on the floor. “What the hell were you thinking touching me?”
I was stunned and pissed. What the hell was his problem?
“You were having a nightmare; I tried to wake you up.”
I tried to push up to stand, but Clark grabbed hold of me and pulled me into his lap. His skin was hot and dewy, and tear tracks coated his cheeks.
“I hurt you,” he surmised, the grief no longer from what had tortured him in his sleep.
Freedom Page 4