I had promised myself I would try to do better and so far all I had done was get a job to keep myself from going stir crazy in the evenings. Something needed to change, even if it was just baby steps so I called Kara and after a few pleasantries, I asked her to come shopping with me and she agreed.
That Saturday I spent the afternoon apprehensively picking up various skirts and tops only for Kara to screw up her face and put them back again. Eventually her patience ran out and she pulled me towards a shop that I never been in before. Twenty minutes later I peeked nervously out from behind the curtain, only to be ordered out by Kara. For someone so dainty looking she had a way about her that made everyone do as she asked (or in this case demanded) so I found myself being ushered out in to a large open area with mirrors all around the walls. Kara followed me in and sat down as I walked unsteadily towards the wall and looked at the girl in the mirror. She looked almost nice in the strapless dress which flattered her unusually pale skin. I knew it was me but it took a moment to see myself in her image. I had hurriedly pulled my hair down in the changing room on Kara’s orders and I was glad it was long enough to cover my shoulders that were now a little too sharp.
“There I knew I had to finally get you in a dress and show off your figure. You need to stop hiding.”
I knew she meant physically but she was right in more ways than one. I had been hiding. I’d let Connor go without a fight and hadn’t put up a fight at all with Chris or Anthony.
Saturday night was a dinner and dance fundraiser for a local children’s charity and all of Ali’s family and friends of family were in attendance. I got the distinct impression it wasn’t a regular thing for him to have a plus one along. My new dress fitted neatly on top but the skirt half swished around my newly epilated, exfoliated, moisturised legs and I smiled a little more than I had in a long time. Even if most of it was for the purposes of being polite during the countless introductions, it made a change from my usual lack of expression.
At the end of the evening Ali joined me in my taxi for the journey home. When we pulled up to the pavement outside my family home he gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and said “Thank you for coming with me tonight. See you back at the grinding stone Tuesday night. Sweet dreams hunny.”
We went to a couple more parties over the next month – all at his request since I had no parties to plus one anyone along to. His family was big on charity and his Father owned a large company in London which sponsored various lunches and evenings events where I wasn’t pressured in to drinking and I managed to dance without falling on my face.
Our first kiss took me by surprise but it was very gentle and sweet, just a few moments touch of lips at the end of the night after our third evening out together. I hadn't let another guy kiss me since Chris. If he hadn’t pulled back almost instantly, I think I would have flinched but thankfully it was too dark for him to see the expression on my face. “Goodnight sweet Nina.” he said.
I carefully unzipped my dress and hung it gently over the chair and slipped my shoes back in to the wardrobe. Since my Mother wouldn’t accept any dig money I was lucky to have all my wages to spend on what I liked. Although I splashed out on a few new outfits, my weight was all over the place so I limited my spending on clothing to a minimum and put the rest away in a savings account with the money my Grandmother had left to me. That night I slid into bed feeling a little more optimistic.
Just like Cinderella I was back to casuals for the rest of the time I spent with Ali as besides the charity events we met occasionally for lunch or the cinema. I was surprised he had any free time for me since he also worked for a local entertainment company as an intern, and was angling for a full time position since he’d gained his degree at the same time I’d completed my first year exams. He had left school a year early so he was nineteen, and yet he already knew what he wanted. He had endless energy and he matched me smile for frown and laugh for sigh every time. Whenever we were together he held my hand and walked with me like I belonged to him. Apart from kisses goodnight or goodbye, it couldn’t have gone at a better pace for me while I was trying to adjust to actively making an effort this time.
I accompanied him to several more work and family events over the next few months. The nice pace continued, but I began to notice it wasn’t progressing any further. He was the most wonderful boyfriend a girl could ask for, so sweet, kind, generous and a real gentleman. On our first overnight together he had invited me along on a weekend event he wanted to attend for work experience. We had separate rooms across the hallway from each other. I thanked him for his thoughtfulness but he said he had asked for two rooms as he wanted to take things slowly too.
Three months after our first date I knew I wanted to try taking things just a little further. And this turned out to be one of the most humiliating experiences of my life to date. In his flat he had made a delicious dinner and I enjoyed talking with him over our meal together. While he moved to the living area to choose a DVD I went to the bathroom. We had been together three months and I knew I’d been holding back – not just with him but with every guy I’d been with in the last few years. I wanted to be with Ali, and so of course I was near panic level while I stood in his bathroom staring into the mirror. I dabbed at my face with a powder brush and ran fingers through my hair. It was tempting just to stay in there, but eventually he would come looking for me and I don’t think telling him I was too scared to come out was the best start to moving forward. I knew I wasn’t ready for sex just yet but there were bases in between we could maybe attempt. Walking out to him I tried to steady my breathing.
“Ali.” I said.
He looked at me with his smile reaching his eyes and gestured to four DVDs he had selected.
“Ladies choice?” he offered.
Taking a deep breath and managing not to falter in my steps or my words would be quite an achievement. “I was thinking maybe we could try something different?” I said.
I sat next to him and leaned forward to kiss him on the lips. He responded after just a beat and lifted his hand to touch mine gently. It was the first time I had kissed him first so it was a step in the right direction. As I pulled back I tried to keep the look of terror from my eyes. A look of confusion crossed his face and then comprehension. He visibly inhaled, opened and then closed his mouth again as if lost for words and a frown crossed him forehead.
“Of course, maybe a horror this time?” he stared straight ahead as he spoke and I felt the rejection spill over me. He moved towards the DVD player and away from me.
I knew in that moment Ali saw me as only a friend and it would never be anything more. We were friends with benefits, just not the kind that involved any kind of physical gratification. The burning heat of humiliation crept up my neck to my cheeks and I knew I had to get out of there.
“Actually I’m not suddenly feeling too great and I have to up early in the morning so…” I said.
“Oh that’s a shame; I hope you’re not coming down with something. If you’re not well then you should get an early night. I’ll call you a taxi.” he replied.
When my phone lit up to alert me the taxi was outside we hadn’t spoken a single word to each other. Ali pressed the bag of popcorn in to my arms like a buffer between us and opened the door for me. “I hope you feel better soon, I’ll see you at work.” he said.
As I lay in bed that night I told myself that my short lived relationship with Ali was only practice, just like my Grandma had spoken of trying until I get it right and taking the bad with the good. I wondered if he had just felt sorry for me. I had known he was out of my league but it still hurt that I couldn’t make it work between us.
Alex had his suspicions why this one didn’t work out. And it had nothing to with her lack of experience in the art of seduction. He thought perhaps that Ali’s intentions were good but he was a little confused about more than just his feelings for Nina. Alex was grateful if this was the case since he didn’t have to read and/or skip any more passionate details.
He had spent last night and all today reading and still had quite a way to go. When his alarm had gone off this morning he had only turned it off and continued reading. Thank goodness he had fetched the diary on a weekend or he feared what his excuse would have been to his lecturers for missing vital classes right before his final exams.
As much as Alex knew the course really wasn’t his choice he was determined to do well. Even after four years, he still wasn't sure what the hell he was going to do with an honours degree in Business and Technology. It was important to his parents that he finish the course and he had promised himself he would give it his best effort. Besides that, the future had little else to offer him yet and at the moment he really had nothing to wake up for other than finding out what drove Nina to this.
Mike
What are the rules they tell you: Never date the enemy, your friend’s ex-boyfriend or your boss. Well I'm not so great at following the right path, but then we only realise what the right path is when we look back on our own misguided ones.
Working alongside Ali was too humiliating, our flourishing relationship had been replaced with an awkward politeness and I knew that even if I could hide my embarrassment, it was too late to go back to the way things were in the beginning. I scoured the newspapers and job sites for any vacancies. By the time I'd worked my notice in the bar, I had an interview for an office position. I had very little experience and even less confidence but I had learned how to put on a pretty convincing show.
The interview took place in an immaculate office with a very stern looking woman. She fired questions at me like an army drill sergeant and I racked my brain for the preparation answers I'd spent the previous week memorising. My hands were locked together in my lap to stop them shaking or fidgeting and I focused on breathing normally, smiling at appropriate intervals and mostly just trying to look like a winning candidate. She looked completely uninterested in the entire thing but took notes when I answered her questions. Every time her pen touched the notepad I struggled not to gnaw on my lower lip.
As I left the room, two men were stood by the door and their conversation halted as I walked by which made me walk even faster, almost tripping in my haste. My legs were even more unstable than usual after the interrogation, and I lumbered into a nearby coffee shop. It was more for the sake of a seat, since the last thing I needed right then was caffeine.
As the days passed and I heard nothing, it didn’t come as much of a disappointment. I may have managed to use my faux confidence to answer all the questions in the interview but I had left uni after one year and my previous work experience was limited to working behind a retail counter and a bar. So when my mobile rang a week after the interview, I was surprised to hear the voice of the woman who had interviewed me telling I had gotten the position.
Of course, nothing ever comes easily to me without a catch. My first day I was introduced to my new boss who I thought I recognised as one of the men I’d hurried passed after my interview.
Only now did I understand why so many girls had looked me over and even glared at me as I had walked to his office that first morning. Mike Lisford was tall, broad shouldered, with short, dark hair and I imagined was one of the reasons the expression ‘come to bed eyes’ had been created. He shook my hand without smiling and introduced himself swiftly before disappearing in to a meeting.
"Great, another good looking guy! Hadn’t she ever met average or ugly guys?" thought Alex then suddenly wondered if maybe she just put herself so low down the stupid 'league' that these guys just seemed really good looking. That made more sense, or at least it made him slightly less jealous about it.
After working with Mike on that first day for the six and a half hours after he came out of his meeting, I wanted to walk out the door and never come back. And not because his good looks were tempting me, but because he was aloof, overly demanding and shouted at anyone that entered his office. Yet the alternative was sitting at home until I managed to find another job and that meant bluffing my way through another interview for a job that might be just as bad. The thought of having more time to fill made me stick it out.
When Mike dropped a pile of his paperwork on my desk without so much as an acknowledgement, I thought snidely that his contribution to the world was strictly decorative at best. He may have been less than charming and yet I told myself at least he was honest about who he was. It was almost refreshing to know from the offset what he was like especially since I seemed to be such a bad judge of character. To date I’d found out the hard way that some people are not what they seem.
After three weeks of a self-imposed chaining to my desk I had got the hang of dealing with Mike's chaotic schedule and somehow managed to organise some of the backlog of paperwork. His mood swings didn't bother me mostly because the battering ram was mostly aimed at other people, and even when he did turn his attention to me there was very little he could say to offend me that I didn’t already feel about myself. It also helped that the worst he could do in a busy office was shout at me and I'd already had worse.
After yet another stack of files were dumped on my desk, Mike paused in front of me. “You’re a tough one Nina. I’ve gone through more assistants than I can remember but nothing seems to unsettle you. Did you know they interviewed over thirty-five people for the position? After the last assistant ran out in tears, they struggled to find someone who could work with me.” he said.
I was tempted to say ‘more like struggled to find someone who would want to.' but instead put a polite smile on my face and returned my gaze to the piece of paper in front of me. It was the first he had said more than a sentence to me in two weeks and it was a bit of a shock. After hearing him walk out of my tiny office (cupboard) into his own large, plush office, I was left wondering what impression I had given the cold woman in my interview.
Thankfully the job was challenging enough to keep my mind busy, since even when I wasn’t in the office I had to focus on learning as much as I could so I didn’t mess up. The few months flew by and I often worked overtime at the weekends with some of the other staff so I had a bit more money than I was used to and very little time to spend it. The idea of getting my own flat was becoming more and more appealing.
“Mike, your next meeting just confirmed but they’re running a little late and will see you at the restaurant.” I called from his doorway.
“Great, I want you to come with me.” he replied.
He looked up when I failed to respond and laughed as he registered the shock on my face. When he returned his gaze to laptop again, I started to back out of his office.
“Nina, if you want to be successful in business, you have to get out of the office every now and then. Think of it as practice for the future. Besides I need these guys on side and they are suckers for a pretty girl.” His eyes didn’t leave his laptop as he spoke so I knew it was an empty compliment. Although I'd put on a healthier amount of weight and my hair was in better condition, I was still far from pretty. I wondered if he said the same to every girl who had worked for him – at least those that lasted beyond a week.
“I’ll just get my bag and meet you in reception.” At least that’s what I said in my head, my mouth stuttered out something unintelligible, before I ran to the ladies to pull myself together. I pulled my brush through my hair, which despite having straightened it that morning was doing its best to return to its preferred state of messy waves. Reapplying lip gloss and pinching some colour into my cheeks at least gave the impression I’d made some kind of effort. However, the wide eyed expression staring at me the mirror was doing me no favours.
It sounded like a nightmare sitting at a table with several, scary businessmen and Mike who had less charm than a spoilt child. Not to mention the fact, that as great as my table manners were thanks to my Mother, I still had an unfortunate clumsiness that led to knocking glasses over and pushing out my chair into passing waiters. I tried to conceal my dread as I walked out to the reception to meet my boss.
Surprising
ly the lunch meeting was quite good fun and apparently Mike had a secondary personality which he reserved only for clients. He joked, complimented, even sang my praises and by the time the main dishes were served he had the two stiff men in suits eating out of his hand. I didn’t like the way they looked at me in the same way their eyes poured over the dishes placed on the table in front of them. After we had finished I was grateful that Mike put me in a taxi home which he paid for, while he got down to business with the clients.
"I've got a good feeling about this account, Nina. Thank you for your company, I'm working out of another office the rest of the week so I’ll see you after the weekend. Take care." he said before shutting the taxi door and walking back into the restaurant. Meanwhile I could finally let the tension out of my shoulders for the first time in three hours.
The following day I arrived at my desk to find a small gift bag sitting neatly on top of a neat, square envelope made out to me. I carefully tore the paper, trying to avoid cutting my finger on the crisp, white edge. 'Nina, thank you for helping me win over the clients – the new account was settled. Here’s a little something to say thank you.' Inside the bag was a square box and I eased open the clip and opened it hesitantly.
It was a bracelet. A circle of clear, sparkling crystals and a little silver charm attached. The name on the rectangular box looked familiar and I was sure I’d seen these bracelets on the wrists of several wags in the magazines I sometimes skimmed through. Which meant it was expensive and far more than I’d spend on a piece of jewellery. I was suddenly grateful for the walls of my tiny office space as I could imagine what the other girls in the office would say about receiving jewellery from my boss.
It sat in my drawer for two days. I argued internally about giving it back - it seemed ungrateful but I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. It had been kind of him and I thought he might think it rude if I were to try to return it, so the following Monday I slid it over my hand and let it rest around my wrist. It wasn’t my taste at all, it felt cold against my skin and it was uncomfortably heavy.
The Suicide Diary Page 11