I still had the gift bag from my Christmas present in my desk drawer so I slipped off the necklace and put it back in the box and placed it in the bag. I couldn’t bring myself to keep it but he certainly didn’t deserve to have it back to return. As I walked towards the front door, I had an idea and snuck behind Julia’s desk in reception. I placed the gift bag under the counter and left before anyone saw me.
Was I so pathetic, he figured he could use me for his own gratification? Or did he think he had me so in his grasp that I would overlook the fact that was engaged to someone else? I could be genetically predisposed to make bad choices or maybe I'm just so unlovable it turns people bad when they’re with me.
Oliver
By sheer luck, the bookshop I had worked in was looking for someone to replace the part-time girl who had recently left. They didn’t even bother to ask for a reference which was just as well as I wasn’t holding my breath. I told myself it would do until I could find something else and at least kept me busy in the meantime.
I intended to look for another job but the weeks turned into months and my nineteenth birthday passed without much excitement. The bookshop was familiar and I could hide away between the bookshelves, but my Mother was less impressed and had had several talks with me about ‘my life’. I knew she was right but it’s always easier to stay in your little bubble where everything is predictable. I promised her this was just temporary and I was just figuring things out and she resigned to stop pushing me (for now).
Out of the blue Kara emailed suggesting I join them for a mini-break in early summer. We had kept in touch sporadically over the past year and now and then I would meet up with some of them when they laid on the guilt about not making time for old friends. They had just finished their last exam in their second year and it was to be a girls-only, stress free, long weekend of wine and catching up with Kara, Melissa, Lucy and me. Kara talked me into going on the road trip to get away and have some fun – it took considerable persuasion on her part and my Mother threatening me with her ‘there is more to life’ speech again that got me in the end.
My entire flat and my bedroom at home were spotless from excessive cleaning, I had colour coordinated my wardrobe, organised my shoes, underwear and make up and collected up three bags of stuff for charity. When I offered to clean out the basement, my Mother had put her foot down.
Sometimes I could bite off my own tongue when I mention something in front of my Mother or to one of my brothers as she has an uncanny way of finding things out from them.
“Joshua brought your weekend case down from the attic for you and I’ve put your sunglasses and your wellington boots in your room – you never really know which way the weather is going to go.” My Mother called up from the kitchen.
“Thanks Mum.” I said. Most of my summer clothes were still at home since I didn’t have a lot of storage space in my flat. Opening my wardrobe I looked at the rows of mostly black, greys and creams and tried to pull together some summer outfits. I’d already packed the few new items I’d purchased for the trip and my bag was still three quarters empty.
The following morning my bags finally were packed with an assortment of clothing and Joshua carried them down to the hallway for me. It had been nice spending a night at home again but at the same time I was glad to be leaving to escape the scrutiny of my life again. I had barely set foot on the bottom step when I heard a car horn beeping outside.
I opened the front door to find Kara already on the porch. “You ready?” she asked.
“Yeah I think so, I didn’t know what to pack so...” I replied.
Cutting me off she responded “Well you’re about my size so we can swap.”
Joshua was already standing by the car with my bags loaded into the very full car boot. I kissed and hugged my Mother goodbye and promised to send a postcard. By the time we got down to the pavement, I noticed Melissa and Lucy were being very friendly with my little brother and for the first time I realised how grown up he had become. My younger brother was seventeen and a half and he already towered over me, which wasn’t hard, but somehow I’d missed when he stopped being a kid.
Kara had found a little town on the coast where the weather was meant to be good and there were plenty of touristy things to distract me. Since there were four of us, the car overflowed with clothes and food and wine. We each had our sunglasses on and Melissa turned up the radio as we pulled away from my house.
After a while the chat turned to other things and the girls took turns to catch me up on their lives. When it came to my turn, somehow Kara seemed to know it I really didn’t want to talk about myself and changed the subject – I just wish she had chosen another distraction.
“So you didn’t mention that your brother was hot!” she exclaimed.
“Well generally it’s against the rules to fancy your brother.” I shot back.
The girls laughed and I tried to switch topics but Kara wasn’t done.
“Is he legal or are we talking breaking the law here?” she continued.
“Oh are you serious, he’s my little brother! I complained.
“Well your little brother was totally flirting with Lucy.” chimed in Melissa.
Lucy meanwhile was staring straightforward through the windscreen but I could see the colour of her cheeks turning a faint shade of pink. Perhaps the feeling was mutual then – in the year since I’d known her, I hadn’t known Lucy to mention a boyfriend. She had left school in fifth year because she was clever enough to get into University with her grades, but she was a year younger than us and even then she was young for her age.
The awful thing was I realised then I had no idea if my brother had a girlfriend or not, or even if he had ever had one. He was confident and had lots of female friends and male too which I guessed could be a possibility.
The conversation switched to the days ahead and I could feel their excitement building as we neared our destination and tried to let it rub off on me a little. It did feel good to be escaping from life, even just for a few days.
We had booked into a little cottage for five nights and arrived in the seaside village just after twelve o'clock to the most incredible view of the sun high in the blue sky and views over the ocean. When we finally pulled into the drive about ten minutes or so later there was a figure leaning against the wall. We slid out of the car and began to pull our bags from the boot when the person made his way across to us. When I turned around, Kara was facing a very clearly annoyed boy who was storming towards us.
"You're late! I've been here since twelve o’clock and I couldn't leave without handing you the keys and giving you the welcome stuff." The expression on his face was anything but welcoming and I hoped this wasn't the start of an unpleasant week. Kara took the welcome folder from him and he dumped the keys into her hand as he took us all in.
“Sorry we got a little lost on the way.” She said and smiled her brightest smile.
"The emergency number is in the folder and a bunch of flyers for things to do around here. Try not to trash the cottage, my parents don't need to be cleaning up after you okay." His tone was still slightly unfriendly, but no one could fail to be disarmed by Kara’s smile and his mouth twitched just a little.
Everyone looked stunned but Lucy stepped forward. "Yes sir." The boy raised his eyebrow a little, "It's Graeme." He said, managing to barely move his lips. And with that he turned on his heel and began running up a winding path away from the cottage.
“Oh come one, I’m not letting some bad-tempered idiot spoil the start of our holiday!” said Melissa, who then grabbed a bag and made her way to the door.
“Actually I thought he was kinda cute.” Kara stumbled into the back of Melissa since she was too busy looking down the path that Graeme had just jogged up.
“Oh you would!” Lucy teased. And then the giggling started as we pushed our way eagerly into the pretty white-washed cottage.
There were three bedrooms – a large en-suite double room and two singles and from the s
wing-set in the garden it was obviously used mainly by families. Kara and Lucy opted to share the double nearest the living area. “It’s going to be so creepy at night-time in the dark and with the wild animals outside.” said Lucy looking deadly serious.
I took the single across the hall from them as Melissa had already dumped her stuff in the room at the back of the cottage. She shouted “Lucy, the only wild animals out there are foxes and probably some mice, so I think we’ll survive!” Melissa rolled her eyes at her friend and I smiled at the light banter between them.
Once we had explored the cottage front to back, we returned to the car and pulled the rest of our belongings out. We unpacked the car quickly, cramming the kitchen cupboards with vast quantities of food and wine and our little rooms with far more clothes than we would need. I unpacked my clothes and hung them in the large wooden wardrobe in my room.
My Mother had suggested that I use some of the money that my Grandmother had left to me for this trip as this was exactly the kind of thing she was talking about spending it on. I was reluctant at first but I had to agree, my doting Grandmother had loved trips to the coast when we were kids and although she had always encouraged us to save for a rainy day, she was a big believer in investment spending. Which in her terms, meant buying building designer and vintage pieces that would hold their value over the years.
She was always immaculately dressed and had wardrobes full of beautiful clothing, bags and shoes that I was never allowed to play with as a girl. Since my cupboard at home mostly consisted of leggings and office attire, which would look totally out of place on the beach, I had bought three new dresses, several pairs of shorts, vests and some pretty tops, two pairs of sandals, sunglasses and various coloured hair ties.
I listened to the girls laughing and banging cupboards and doors, which sounded even louder in the semi-quiet of the countryside. There were none of the usual sounds from home, but I knew if the girls were to be quiet for a moment, there would be different sounds. Instead of cars there would be birds singing and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks. I pulled open the curtains and gasped at the view.
“It’s beautiful.” I said only to myself.
The image beyond the glazing was picturesque and I watched as the grass gave way to golden-white sand on the left side, which was lapped by the sea not too far from the garden edge. The tide was in already but it would turn soon and the beach would expand in the day. I looked to the sky and the bright blue was marked only by a few clouds.
“I’m starving, shall we eat and then explore?” Melissa always had her priorities in order behind her stomach and I smiled at her remembering the times we would sit in the bar and she would order far too much.
“I’ll make something.” I offered and rummaged through the cupboards. If there was a sudden catastrophe, we could hold up here for weeks on this. I settled on baked potatoes and salad and began preparation while the girls sat on the stools around the worktop and flicked through the leaflets in the welcome pack.
“Oh look, we could go paragliding…or surfing, or a balloon ride and there’s even sky diving here!” Lucy’s voice was getting higher and higher and the three of us laughed at her suggestions.
“Lucy, we’re here to relax not kill ourselves.” said Kara.
“Oh come on live a little. We made it through exams, shouldn’t we at least do something to celebrate?” replied Lucy. Even though she was the youngest, there were times when she was most definitely the bravest.
“We are celebrating, we came on holiday. Maybe we could do one crazy thing. What do you think Nina?” asked Kara.
I wasn’t about to take sides or make the decision for them. “Well I can swim and I’m not afraid of heights but it’s totally up to you girls, I’m just happy to be here. Now eat up.” I said as I laid out four plates and filled tumblers with pink fizzy juice.
Once we had finished, Lucy helped me wash the dishes while the other girls touched up their makeup and fiddled with their hair. With the breeze outside, I didn’t really see the point and finished putting the last of the plates away. After twenty minutes we were finally ready to go and headed out the door in to the pretty front garden. We made our way along the same path Graeme had stomped his way up earlier and when we reached the top of a hill we had to stop to admire the view.
“Wow you can see for miles.” said Melissa.
“It’s beautiful.” exclaimed Kara and I at the same time and she turned to smile at me. The girls looped arms and we wandered along the coastal path like the four figures on the yellow brick road. The sun was high in the sky and I felt the warmth on my bare arms and face, but the light breeze kept it pleasant while we walked.
I had brought snacks and juice with us and we settled on a spot of grass with a downhill view of the beach to stop for refreshments after a couple of hours of exploring along the coastline. We laid the large rug out and sprawled out enjoying the sun and fresh air. I lay on my back and took off my sunglasses so I could feel the warmth on my full face. The inside of my eyelids looked red and I felt the knot in my shoulders begin to relax ever so slightly. The girls chatted away, occasionally asking my opinion on something; eventually we all fell in to silence and only our breathing could be heard above the nearby waves and rustling in the grass.
“Girls it’s quarter to six!” Melissa shouted and jumped up with such drama that we all sat up quickly, looking around with our hearts racing.
“Mel we’re supposed to be relaxing, was there really any need to frighten us!” Lucy said not unpleasantly, she rubbed her eyes and yawned which started the rest of us off.
“We can have an early night then, but let’s not waste the day dozing.” replied Melissa.
Clearing up the remains of our picnic, we moved further along the path until we came across a tiny, concealed cove with white sand and clear water. The sun was lower in the sky but it was still warm going in to the evening. We spent an hour playing in the sand, building castles and chasing each other until our stomachs began to grumble. Thankfully we found a bus stop on the street running parallel to the coastal one since none of felt up to the two and half hour walk back to the cottage.
I volunteered to make dinner again on the condition someone else did the washing up. I always enjoyed cooking and baking and although I didn’t have my Mother’s skills, I followed my Grandmother’s rule of thumb. She rarely followed recipes and believed in taste testing; goodness knows how she kept her figure over the years with all the baking she did.
I mixed up a batch of easy cake mix and slid the tray in to the oven and then began cooking chicken for a stir fry. The flavours flowed through the cottage and I took a little pride in the girl’s delighted ‘mmms’ as they inhaled the smell.
“Those beds look really comfortable but I would love to sleep out under the stars on such a pretty night.” said Lucy dreamily staring out the window.
“Well you have fun with that but don’t come crying to us when you wake up covered in midge bites.” I replied and the girls all laughed and teased her with buzzing noises.
As the heat of the day disappeared, we decided to light the fire and watch a movie on the widescreen. While we looked for the remote control and decided on a DVD, Kara made four mugs of hot chocolate and marshmallows and we curled up on the two settees together. Before the credits had rolled, Lucy had dozed off and Melissa wasn’t far behind. Kara stifled a yawn and even I was feeling tired which took me by surprise. It must be the sea air and all the walking that had taken it out of me since I’d normally still be wide awake at ten o’clock.
As I put out the fire, I listened to the padding of feet as the other made their way to the bathroom and own bedrooms. After I’d washed, I pulled on my pyjamas and slid into the bed expecting to lie there a while before exhaustion took me to sleep. The cool, soft sheets felt nice against my warm skin but the heavy blanket on top was comforting.
There was a noise and I opened my eyes to daylight so I thought I must be dreaming since I’d o
nly gone to bed a moment before. I must have fallen asleep straight away and looking at my watch on the side unit, I realised I’d slept for nine hours straight which was a record for me. Maybe there was something to this sea air after all.
I crept out of bed quietly and used the bathroom before tiptoeing to the quiet living room. I pushed open the double doors and looked down to the beach where a couple of figures were running around. They must have woken me but I was glad they did so I could have a little time to myself before everyone woke up. I made a cup of tea and sat out in the garden watching the waves go back and forth. There was a kind of symmetry with how they moved and how my life was playing out, forward a little, back a little, then a dramatic surge forward, only to crash backwards even further. But the waves are controlled by the moon, whereas my back and forth was down to my own decisions.
“Morning.” Kara stood behind me looking out to the waves and I wondered what she was thinking. As if she could tell I was curious, she blinked and turned her head back indoors with a smile. “I’ll make breakfast this morning, you relax until the girls wake up.” She said firmly as she padded into the kitchen.
The morning went at a nice, easy pace and we took our time getting ready to head to the beach again. On the way Lucy insisted we go along the main road instead and when she stopped at a shop with foam boards outside, I knew why.
“I saw them yesterday but it was closed on our way back. I can’t wait to try them out!” she ran inside and chose a blue and purple board.
The bemused man behind the counter explained the best place to use them and we handed over our money. We all walked slightly awkwardly along the path carrying our new foam boards and beach bags and finally kicked off our shoes and ran on to the sand. We had barely dropped our bags before Lucy was in the water squealing at the cold.
The Suicide Diary Page 13