The Suicide Diary

by Rees, Kirsten

  “I’ve got some cold and flu capsules in the medicine cabinet if you need anything. Would you like some hot chocolate?” she asked.

  “That would be nice Mum. Thanks.” I said.

  “Why don’t you go and lie down in your old room for a while. You could relax for the afternoon and then stay for dinner later. You look like you could do with some peace from the rabble.” She gestured at my brothers playing loudly on some computer game.

  I found myself crawling into my old bed and pulling the covers up under my chin. I wasn’t sleepy but my body felt heavy and drained. A knock on the door alerted me to my kind Mother bringing me a mug and left a book on the bedside table before leaving me alone. She always seems to know when I want to talk and when I need to be alone. I finished the hot drink and opened the book. It was by an author I hadn’t read before ‘The Notebook’ by Nicholas Sparks. Four hours after I’d opened it I read the final sentence and wiped the tears from my cheeks and neck where they had fallen and I hadn’t stopped them.

  I cried myself to quietly to sleep and only woke hours later when I heard Mother call from downstairs. The room was dark and I realised it was late in to the evening. I had slept for longer than I had in weeks. I’m still not sure if my Mother somehow knew I needed to cry but hadn’t been able to. It was easier to cry for the characters in the book than it was to cry for myself. It's not like in the movies where a single, gentle tear trickles down the cheek of the actress as she daintily dabs at her eyes. My nose is running, my eyes are red and raw and my cheeks are sticky.

  Later that night I sat on my bed in my little flat holding this notebook. After an hour of struggling not to just drink myself in to oblivion, I knew what I wanted to do. I held the pen shakily in my hand, opened to the first blank page and began writing.

  Six pinks ones, nine of the orange ones and one blister pack containing the white ones. That made only thirty-one tablets. I was going to need a lot more and so I found myself the following day hovering in the supermarket, staring at the various packs in front of me. Blue, red, white, silver, boxes filled with foils of paracetamol, aspirin, ibuprofen, anadin and various others - maybe enough to make one simple, fatal cocktail. I bought one packet of paracetamol and another ibuprofen. Too many might mean questions in the shop and that might lead to someone finally realising I wasn't doing so good.

  I picked up a magazine and some crisps on my way over the checkout girl. She looked sweet, innocent, content even, working behind the counter. I didn't want to upset her. How strange that I cared more about upsetting the day of a stranger, than I did about the consequences of what I was planning to do. Well that wasn't strictly true, it wasn't that I didn't care about the consequences...more that I refused to think about them. I handed the money to the girl, put the small packets in my bag and wished her a nice day.

  Maybe my Grandmother and the tiny soul I had lost would be in heaven waiting for me. Or would I go to hell for doing this? I wasn’t even entirely sure if I believed in anything, but I liked the idea of them both being together and somewhere pleasant.

  One week has passed since that night and I had spent day and night writing about the last nine years. I know there have been and are good things in my life, but I can’t seem to focus on them – almost as if I’ve forgotten something important and try as I might it’s impossible to remember what it is.

  I told myself it would be no loss for me to go. I had become a non-person, rarely seeing anyone anymore and I had no job. You can spend your entire day distracting yourself from thinking about the bad things, when you have things to be distracted by. I only had eating and tidying my flat to break up the day and in between I spent the hours trying to shut out my thoughts. Forcing myself into a troubled sleep until eventually the morning comes and I have to start all over again. It’s a merry-go-round of emotions, up and down, up and down, but never quite getting high enough.

  It was like I had fallen into deep water and just as I broke the surface, waves were crashing me against the rocks and the undercurrent kept pulling me under. No matter how hard you try to swim, eventually your arms tire and your lungs grow heavy and your body begins to exhaust. Your body will give in long before your mind does though, so you keep dragging yourself back up hoping it will be different this time, but eventually you just can’t fight anymore. I was never going to be able to pull myself free from this and some days it just felt easier to stop struggling against the tide and let myself be pulled under.

  Over the last week I’d built up enough pills and a bottle of strong vodka to carry out my final act. I walked home with my last purchase of painkillers in a daze, the cool rain trickling down my cheeks like the tears I wasn't able to cry.

  I slowly walked up the stairs to my flat, the hall light upstairs was on for some reason and it seemed kind of appropriate walking towards the light. Only, I knew that what I was about to might disqualify me from any kind of heaven. The building was quiet, my neighbours would all be at work by now and I decided sometime during a morning soon would be best. I hung my jacket and placed it with my bag in my room. Everything else was already in order, I just wanted to see my family one last time.

  Flicking on the bathroom light, I watched my reflection as I walked in to the room. I stared at the girl in the mirror and I wanted to scream at her; I wanted to reach in and shake her. I moved to the middle of the room and sat down cross-legged. Pulling a loose piece of wood out from the end of the bath tub I reached into the gap behind and pulled out a box of numerous packets and plastic containers. Even though I lived alone, it still felt wrong to have these out on display. I laid the packet of ibuprofen on top, but the other was a container with a plastic seal around the rim which I ripped it from the seams and looked inside.

  Thirty little, white circular pills of Aspirin sat nestled together looking pretty harmless. A few would probably only thin my blood and get rid of a headache, the entire tub would cause some nausea and vomiting, maybe acute poisoning but it probably wouldn’t kill me. Not on its own anyway.

  I knew this because I had looked it up online, I also found out that typing the word suicide in to any search engine will pull up numerous counselling and help line numbers. That was good; I hoped it would help others who wanted to be helped.

  I could just do it now, I had spent enough time accumulating the drugs and writing my diary, maybe I should just go through with it instead of trying to plan the right moment. There was a muffled sound behind me as Oscar padded along the corridor. His fluffy tail swished from side to side as he walked into the room. He crouched down next to me and I ran my hand along the length of his back. His fur was always brushed and shiny and smelled like shampoo, it was a pleasant, familiar smell. Shaking my head at the distraction, I released him and stood up.

  Being upright challenged as I am, I lost my footing and struck out my hand for balance, dropped the tub of aspirin and the pills scattered around the bathroom. I saw the tablets bounce across the floor just as Oscar jumped up, probably thinking it was a game and chased after the tiny, white tablets.

  "No!" I screamed, shoving his nose away. He whimpered and turned to me with a look of confusion or perhaps surprise at my raised voice. I pulled him roughly to me and crumpled into a ball on the floor, terrified at what may have happened to him if he'd managed to swallow some of them. I had no idea what they would do to a dog. Before even a few seconds passed, I found myself scrambling up, pushing Oscar out into the hall and carefully scooping up each pill and dropping them into the container again.

  I sank to the floor again and laid my head in my hands for a few minutes. Oscar whined gently outside the door. I sat there for a long while watching the sunlight pushed back by the shadows. It was so dark I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face and I stood with a jerk, almost hitting my head on something cold and hard. Recalling I was still in the bathroom, I guessed it was the sink. Groggy from lack of sleep, I stumbled out into the hallway blinking in the light. I found Oscar lying on the floor, his tail flat on out
behind him and his big eyes staring up at me. If it didn't sound crazy, I would swear to this day he looked disapproving, as if he knew what I was planning.

  Lying in bed that night I tried to think about which day of the week would be best, which was ridiculous because what did it matter really. I needed to take Oscar home, it wouldn’t be fair to have him in the flat with me. It was then I began wondering who would find me and I panicked because I hadn’t thought of the person who would come in to my bathroom and see me. They might try to pull me out or call an ambulance but it would be too late. Though my unpleasant landlord would eventually come looking for his rent money and I didn’t care much for the man, he still didn’t deserve to have the image of a drowned girl in his bathtub forever imprinted in his dreams. Even in death I was going to be a burden on someone.

  I woke after an indeterminate time to the sound of the phone ringing. The ringing seemed to be getting louder, accompanied by the sounds of the street outside. I listened to the telephone ring for a minute before I thought about answering. I laid my head back down on the pillow and waited for the click of the old answer machine. My family would call my mobile if it was anything urgent and so I only expected a sales call.

  So it was as surprise to hear Joshua on his car speakerphone “Hey Sis, hope you’re home and maybe just too lazy to get up and answer as I’m on my way over. Just finished up at a work thing and it’s been way too long. So hopefully see you in half an hour or else I’ll be on your doorstep when you get home.” he said. Apart from a few texts, I hadn’t spoken to Joshua in weeks and hadn’t seen him in even longer. It was then I noticed the two missed calls on my mobile from him and I began to worry. Although it felt like I had lay in bed for hours, the digits on the clock showed it was only five to nine. Autumn was disappearing and the nights were coming in quicker.

  Suddenly I remembered the tablets still sitting on the ledge in the bathroom. I jumped out of my bed, ran through and scooped up the boxes and jars and placed them back in the plastic box they had been stacked in. The small opening at the end of the bath looked very obvious now so I carried it all back to my darkened bedroom and hid the tub in a drawer.

  I wasn’t sure what to do with myself so I began tossing various things into a pot, making a meal of some sorts. I was hungry all of a sudden and it wasn't long before I had finished what I could of the meal and sat watching the clock again. My flat was immaculate since I’d had nothing to do but tidy and clean lately and the TV was on just for background noise. I hadn’t followed any programs in so long, I doubted I would even know what to watch. The hands ticked by slowly until finally I heard it, the quiet purr of a car engine pulling into the car park next to the building.

  I smoothed down my clothes and checked my face in the mirror. He wouldn’t be able to tell as usual there was no sign on my face betraying what I was trying to hide. I heard a car door open and his muffled voice filtered up from the car park. I stood watching my brother from the window as he kicked stones from the path absentmindedly while talking to someone on his mobile. The person on the other end must have said something else amusing as Joshua began to laugh but it wasn’t like his usual laugh.

  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d made someone laugh out loud. The last person to even lift a smile to me was the checkout girl when she handed me my change from the pills I was buying to kill myself.

  Joshua looked up suddenly at the window and waved at me. I lifted my hand as if to wave back, but ended up resting it on the glass instead. I stood there and watched as he finished his call and walked towards the entrance to my building. I heard the buzzer which only made my heart race even faster as I went to let him in. It was almost too easy to pull my mouth into a smile when he wrapped me up in a bear hug, whilst struggling to hold onto the shopping bags he had with him. I hugged him tightly, quickly letting go and hoisted the bags onto the kitchen counter. He had brought a ridiculous amount of food as apparently I ‘never have any good snacks’ and now he had a reason to visit more often he teased. We chatted politely for a while about the weather, his job and the usual things. As always I asked far more questions, leaving him little time to enquire about me. After a few hours of chatting and snacking he said he had to go although he seemed almost reluctant. He paused in the doorway, looking me straight in the eyes. “I miss you sis, we never do this anymore. Don’t let it be so long next time.” He hugged me again and made me promise to keep in touch more.

  The following day I returned some library books and took several bags of old clothing to a charity shop – I apologised that most of it was boring, dark coloured and plain but the nice woman seemed pleased to have more stock so I just returned her smile and went back to my flat. I never referred to it as home, that title had always been reserved for the house I had lived in with my family since I was eleven. I had arranged to visit on Sunday for dinner and it would as good a chance as any to see my Mother and brothers and take Oscar back home too. If I waited any longer it would be too close to my Mother’s birthday and then it would be Christmas and it just seemed too awful to end my life then. My lease was due up within a few months and I wondered who would live here after I was gone.

  Two nights later Joshua appeared at my door again only this time he was very obviously drunk. “Hey Sis, do you mind if I come in and sober up a bit before I go home?” My finger hesitated over the buzzer for only a second and within minutes he was through my front door. This time he didn’t reach out to embrace me and instead had his arms crossed so tightly it looked like he was holding himself together in an all too familiar way.

  I made two strong cups of coffee while he made himself comfortable on the couch. He sipped on the hot drink and ate some of the snacks he had brought last time. We talked a little about his night out with his friends until he sighed and I asked if he was okay.

  “I think my girlfriend just broke up with me.” He told me about the relationship he had been having with a girl I didn’t even know he was dating.

  "Joshua I’m so sorry.” I said “Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m glad you’re here, but I’m not sure why you came to me though instead of Matthew or you know how our Mother loves to give advice."

  "Exactly, I don't wanna hear what I could have done better or how I can remedy the situation. I love our Mother dearly, but she always to fix things and I'm not sure I want this fixed. I think it's over. And Matthew cheated on his girlfriend, so I really don't want to hear his perspective on why my girlfriend maybe looking elsewhere.” he said. “You're the only one I could talk to, you were always the one I could talk to Nina. When we were kids Matthew was so much older than me and he was so angry all the time and our Mother just acted like everything was going great all the time!” he paused and continued. “Whenever I got upset about Dad leaving or anything, you would just take me to my room with mugs of hot chocolate and you would tell me it was okay to feel sad, that I didn't have to put on a smile all the time. You would let me talk for hours about my feelings, I was six years old...how many people would be willing to sit and listen to a six year old ramble on and on instead of just hushing them to sleep. You made me realise that I don't always have to pretend to be strong when things get bad and it's okay to want to talk about it. So that's why this was the first place I thought of coming, I just wanted to talk to my big sister and then for you hug me and I would fall asleep with you watching over me like when we were kids.” he said.

  I bit my lip to stop the tears that threatened to spill and smiled at my not-so-little brother. He remembered all that from so long ago. It had been years since I had sat like this with him - I had pushed him away and it had taken heartbreak to make him desperate enough to come and see me. To come and ask for my help. I didn't or rather couldn't respond so instead I got up and poured the half drank mugs of coffee down the sink and made us mugs of hot chocolate instead. He had brought the tub last time and it had sat in my cupboard unopened but now it was needed. I sat by him on the couch. "Tell me." I said.

  “
I told her that I loved her. She said she knows that but she’s not in love with me and it wouldn’t be fair to carry on the way things were. She didn’t say it was over but it feels like it is.” he said.

  I felt a resounding symmetry with my relationship with Oliver. I knew how the girl felt but this was my brother and he was in real pain.

  “Sometimes we love people and they don’t love us back, it’s cruel and painful but the world just works that way sometimes. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a lesson that life is tough, or maybe just to prepare us so that we appreciate real love when it really comes along, or maybe you just fell for one of the bad ones. It’s going to take time to work out your feelings but I promise it will get better. While you’re sitting here upset over a girl who doesn’t get how amazing you are, there is someone out there who’s wondering what it would be like to be with someone just like you.” I had put my arm around his shoulders so I was talking to his hair rather than have to look into his eyes. I believed the words I was saying when it came to my brother because he was worth loving, yet it was still difficult to say them.

  For the next few hours he talked about his life and what had happened with the girl and I tried my best to offer a little advice despite being the worst person to offer it. It felt okay giving advice to Joshua because I always had his best interests at heart and I knew that in the end all he really wanted was a chance to talk and feel he'd make the right decision by himself.

  "You know you should take some of your own advice sometime, you don't have to put a smile on for the world all the time. And you know, if you ever want to talk about anything I'd be there for you too." I sat across from my younger brother and for the first time realised how much he had grown up and saw the kind of man he would become and it broke my heart to think I wouldn't get to see it if I went through with my decision. I bit the inside of my cheek and tried to put on just such a smile. "Thank you Joshua, I love you and if I ever need to talk I know I have you to listen." He pulled me suddenly into a tight hug and I froze for a moment before wrapping my arms around him.