The Suicide Diary

by Rees, Kirsten

  "I'd love to go." said Alex.

  I wondered how much Alex and my Mother had spoken while I lay unconscious in the hospital. She hadn’t even known he existed until he called her to say her daughter had had an accident. To be fair, over the course of my twenty-five years, there had been several incidents where various neighbours and friends of the family had had to do the same.

  It was just two friends using tickets that were going to go to waste. I could have taken Joshua who enjoyed the theatre almost as much as I did, but Phantom wasn’t one of his favourites.

  “Anyway I best get a few snacks laid out before our guests arrive.” said my Mother.

  “Guests?” I asked.

  “Yes, well I thought we might have a little get-together here with your friends before you go back to your flat.” she replied.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Nina, you may have forgotten, but I will always want to celebrate my only daughter’s birthday.” she responded.

  “My birthday…” I said half to myself. How had I managed to forget my own birthday – when did it become March already?

  I think that bump to the head must have been harder than the doctor’s thought.” said my Mother and laughed gently. “Perhaps you should take it easy on the bubbly tonight!”

  I watched as she opened a cupboard and began pulling out various celebratory paraphernalia. “Alex do you think you could put these plates on the living room table and then help Nina choose something with a bit of colour to wear, otherwise I’ve no doubt she’ll just keep on her black leggings.” she said.

  I walked slowly towards the stairs, hyper aware of Alex right behind me. Treading lightly on the steps, I missed the third and fifth step as always only to hear them creak as Alex pressed his weight on to them.

  “Sorry it’s a pretty old house, no matter what my Mother tries, some of it just creaks so she now refers to it as character.” I said, aware that I was rambling. I pushed open the door to my old room where I had slept for the last few nights and stepped in with Alex in tow.

  I watched him looking around the room with an open curiosity; there wasn’t much of ‘me’ in the room since it was my Mother who had decorated it. He smiled at the photo of my Grandmother and me as a child on the vanity table.

  Between us we finally agreed on a simple pale grey dress that flared out at the waist, and I added a necklace that my Grandmother had given me and a pair of low heels. I had dressed in my tiny bathroom and felt more than a little awkward walking back in to my room with Alex waiting there. He was sat on the bed and looking around the room, so when I stepped out he turned back to look at me. His eyes ran down to my toes and back up to my face and he smiled and nodded.

  Without saying a word he held open the bedroom door for me and I looked quickly at him and smiled a little before returning my eyes to the floor! Walking around the top landing, we neared the stairs and I felt his hand touch my shoulder “I know it’s a few days early…” he said and he leant down and kissed my cheek lightly. “Happy Birthday Nina.”

  My hand gripped the stair bannister as I walked down, trying not to lose my balance in my distraction. Kara had arrived and was helping my Mother put snacks onto the plates Alex had laid out earlier. She looked up and smiled as Alex and I walked down the stairs together. Her eyebrow began to raise but then she looked away quickly as if she knew better.

  Lucy and Melissa came through the door giggling and laughing moments later, followed by a few of the girls I had met through them at the occasional group night out. It was never going to be as busy as Joshua’s birthday party, yet there were far more people than I imagined in the house within the hour. Familiar faces from university, some of the staff from the Gin bar, Ali and his boyfriend made up the people I knew. Joshua had invited some of his close friends and Matthew brought Amelia who was beginning to show her bump and had a glow of the kind of pregnancy that most women can only dream of. My thoughts wavered for a moment as I watched the two them with their arms around each other and I wondered what it might have been like for me if things had been different.

  I pushed my thoughts to the back of my mind and joined in the conversation with Kara about her upcoming wedding. The girls were chattering over each other and it was nice to lose myself in their excitement. The night disappeared quickly and people began to leave to go to a club or head home or wherever else the night took them.

  “Hey bro, how you doing?” I asked my little brother as he pulled on his jacket to join his friends.

  “Yeah I’m doing okay.” he replied and pulled up the sides of his mouth but it wasn’t quite a smile. “It’s hard but time and healing and all that eh! My friends have been good, I’m just not ready to move on just yet.” he said and I noticed his eyes flicker over my shoulder.

  “Have a good night okay.” I said and gave him a hug.

  “Happy Birthday sis.” He replied and hugged me back.

  I turned just in time to see Lucy’s head flick back to face Kara and I sighed at how frustrating the situation was. Alex had already said goodnight and reminded me about our trip to the theatre in a few nights. My Mother had gone to bed, so the last half hour it was just me, Kara, Melissa and Lucy and we sat flicking through wedding magazines and talking about the venue and music and the food and everything else in the long list of decisions Kara had pretended to let me help her with.

  I had trouble sleeping that night, which wasn’t unusual, yet this time it was because I kept seeing the faces of everyone at the party. Some of them were Joshua’s friends and Kara’s friends or people I had only met on a few occasions. Kara had been away in Australia and I know many were pleased to see her again. Regardless of their reasons for coming to my party, they had all been kind and wished me a happy birthday.

  The room could have been filled with hundreds of strangers, yet I hadn’t felt alone. There had been people there that I care about, who care for me and that is what matters. In my dreams the party became a masked ball and everyone wore a mask except me. My own face had become my mask, protecting my family and friends from my thoughts.

  Alex had watched Nina watching the performance and saw the gentle tears trickle down her cheek as the Phantom released Christine to Raul. He had felt sympathy for the Phantom - all he wanted was for the girl to love him but he couldn't bear to let her see the real him. For the last four years Alex hadn't let anyone see passed the facade he put on. Everyone saw a confident, adventurous, happy guy when really that was exactly what his brother had shown the world before taking his life. No one could have foreseen the signs because there were none, Will had kept the smile on his face until the very end. How had he not seen that with Nina?

  Because she was the exact opposite from Will, although she kept a smile on her face, she didn't act like a confident, ‘nothing wrong here’ kinda girl. So there was no set pattern, making it nearly impossible to know when someone was in that position. He had tried to talk to her about that night and in hindsight, he knew he had only pushed her away ever further.

  Afterwards we went for a walk to a nearby coffee house and sat and talked like we often did, but this time the conversation was different. When we had spoken about the performance and my party and his classes and the books we were reading and the usual. Then something change in his demeanor, he looked so serious that it reminded me of when we had first met and I had run to hide in the bathroom after he asked to see me again.

  “Before my brother died, I was different. My life revolved around partying, meeting girls, messing around with my friends – I never really thinking about my future. I wasn’t there for Will, I mean I knew he had problems, I just didn’t understand why.” said Alex.

  “It was his choice and there was nothing you could have done.” I said.

  “You’re half right.” he replied “He told me once that sometimes it felt like his life wasn’t his own. At the time I thought he meant the expectations from people around him. Now, I think he was referring to himself, like he was struggling to keep c
ontrol of his own mind.” I know that sound…strange.” he said.

  “No it doesn’t.” I replied. I knew exactly what he meant. “I think we all have a little that struggle at times, just some people have more of an imbalance.”

  “He had everything going for him in life, I think maybe he felt like choice was the one thing he didn’t have. It took me a long time to accept that he was ill and he took his life because of that. I’ve thought ‘what if’ so many times, it drove me crazy. I finally realised that I couldn’t have saved him, but I could do something to honour his memory. For a long time I’ve thought that it was following his dreams and living the life he should have had.” he said.

  “Something’s changed?” I asked.

  “Yes I met you.” he replied and looked straight at me.

  He paused and I shifted in my seat uncomfortably, terrified he might continue but completely unable to speak to interrupt him.

  “Somehow you saw right through who I was pretending to be and somewhere along the line I let you. I stopped being myself when my brother died, and to be honest it was a good thing I changed. I wasn’t a good person, actually I was kind of an asshole at times. So I don’t want to go back to who I was and I’ve realised lately that I can’t keep trying to fit in to Will’s shoes either.” he said.

  “That’s good, I think you’re a really good person just as you are and maybe it’s time to let everyone else see the real you.” I responded.

  “I could say the same thing about you. I thought you were keeping me at arm’s length because you were just wary of letting someone new in your life, or maybe you were worried I want more than you do, and well there are a lot of reasons I’ve thought of since we met. Now I’ve seen you with your family and friends and it’s like you have this invisible barrier around you. I don’t know why you don’t let people get close to you Nina, but I like you and…” he faultered.

  I never knew that this world I live in could be the kind of place where someone like him could care so much for someone like me. But of course I wasn’t about to tell him all of that.

  “I like you too Alex, you’ve become a good friend to me.” I said.

  “Friends, okay friends it is.” He reached out his hand in front of me and I gingerly shook it but he gripped mine tightly in his and didn’t let go.

  “You can’t try to push me away now. I know it’s what you always do because Kara told me.” he continued.

  “Kara? What did she tell you?” I asked pulling my hand from his hand and trying not to sound deranged.

  Well she hadn’t so much told him, as he’d kept her wine glass topped up constantly at the party and he had managed to subtly bring the subject up. Or maybe he was being naive and Kara thought she was doing some good by letting him in on a few things. Knowing Kara a little better now after reading the diary, it was probably all a ploy to get him to do exactly what she wanted him to do.

  “Just that you never really let anyone get close to you.” he replied.

  I didn’t know what to say - we were our own obstacles; both so wrapped up in our problems that we couldn’t even see any good in our lives. I hadn’t realised all the things he had been doing with his life were for his brother - to me he was just Alex. Yet, I could see a spark of something changing in him. I worried if he changed too much, I would lose him but then that would probably be the best thing for him and that was more important than what I wanted.

  “I guess it just takes time for me to trust people.” I said.

  “Because of your Dad?” he asked.

  “What? No, it has nothing with him. I just…I have my reasons.” I replied.

  “Okay, well speaking of relationships. Kara was also telling me she’s getting married in a couple of weeks.” he said.

  “Yeah she’s really happy, it should be a beautiful day.” I said.

  “Well I got a verbal wedding invite from her, it seems one of her cousin broke up with her boyfriend and it’s completely disastrous because the table numbers are supposed to even and now she’s had to move her to another table and anyway she said I’d be doing her a huge favour by coming.” he said. It certainly sounded like Kara when she was trying to explain something in such a way that you could help agree with her.

  “So I figured we could drive up together, maybe even hire a convertible for the weekend and make a road trip of it. It’ll be fun!” he continued.

  I mentally worked out it was approximately a three hour drive, even in an open top convertible it would feel too close. The thought of being in such a confined space with Alex beside me for three straight hours, and nothing but conversation to pass the time made me tense.

  “Why don’t we take the train instead, it’s such a long drive and besides why waste money on a hire car.” I said thinking I least there would be other people and I could get up and move around every now and then.

  “Oh come, where’s that sense of adventure gone, a road trip would be fun.” He smiled and walked away from me to indicate the discussion was over. Well!

  16. The Wedding

  While the drive up was filled with endless conversations about any and every topic that came to mind and I proceeded to point out every notable feature on the digital map as we passed them by, the journey home was quiet and not in a comfortable silence kind of way.

  Kara was the most beautiful bride I had ever seen. The dress hugged her curves and the veil sat atop her silky dark hair which framed her pretty heart shaped face. But none of this compared to the smile on her face, she looked so happy and I returned her smile. Today was a good day, I could be happy and content and joyful because I had to focus on nothing but Kara’s happiness.

  The entire day I only struggled once to keep my smile in place. At the evening reception, I watched as Alex was surrounded by beautiful girls as he stood waiting in the queue at the bar. It shouldn’t have bothered me at all, it especially should not have upset me that he seemed quite content sat there holding court to such loveliness. I had gone to the ladies and had been stopped numerous times by people wanting to ask me to take their photo or comment on Kara’s wonderful taste in décor or dresses or food.

  The thing that did genuinely bother me, however, was as I stood there watching, every minute or so he would look around as if searching for someone. He did this until his eyes rested on mine and he held my gaze for a little too long. He wasn’t supposed to look at me like that.

  I stared transfixed as the red head to his left swished her beautiful hair and smiled at Alex. I watched as he held out his hand by way of introducing himself only for her to grasp it lightly and lean in to kiss him lightly on his cheek. I did not want to see that and yet I couldn’t seem to drag my eyes away.

  I noticed Kara wander over and step between the two, she gently took the girl’s arm, smiled at Alex and then the two of them wandered off towards the bar. I couldn’t see what Kara was saying as she had her back to me, but just then the red head turned her head in my direction only to catch me staring at her. For the rest of the evening I noticed her now and then in the crowd talking to various men but never to Alex. Part of me has to wonder what Kara said to her but it was her wedding day, I hardly think she had time to go around warning women off Alex and besides why on earth would she unless the red head is a notorious bitch - yes that must be it, nothing to do with me at all.

  My thoughts were completely distracted then when someone came and sat beside me as I returned to our table.

  “Hi Nina.” said Oliver.

  “Hello, how are you?” I asked, my voice almost steady. I hadn’t seen him in years, of course I knew he would be here but our eyes hadn’t met in the church earlier as I had been so focused on Kara and Graeme.

  We spoke for a few minutes about the happy couple and I asked him how he had been. He was there with his girlfriend and he seemed genuinely happy so it lifted a little of the regret I felt for what I had done to him.

  “So Kara told me about you and Alex.” He said.

  “No it’s not like
that, we’re just friends.” I replied.

  “Does he know that?” he asked.

  "I don't want to do to him what I did to you. When we were together..." I began.

  "I have no regrets when it comes to you Nina. You will always be my first love but when you meet the right person all those past experiences just fade. I knew you weren't ready but I pushed anyway, I was so desperate for you to feel the same as I did, and it was wrong of me. You taught me that sometimes you have to let go even when it feels right, because we can be so blinded by our feelings we don't see everything that's wrong. You saved me from a few horror stories later in life and now I have the most incredible person in my life and I'm happy." he said and I knew he meant it.

  "I'm so happy for you Oliver, I knew you would find the right girl, I'm just glad it wasn't Emily." I replied.

  He laughed and shook his head and I noticed a sparkle in his eyes that I hadn't seen since we had first met all those years ago. It had disappeared somewhere along the line when we were together and hadn't reappeared when he was with Emily so I was glad to see it again.

  "And you're wrong you know." he said.

  I looked at him confused, this could be any number of things.

  "The guy, Alex, you won't do the same to him. I’ve always Kara was a pretty damn good judge of character, after all, she’s marrying my best friend. She really likes him and I also saw you dancing with him. I think it’s pretty obvious he has feelings for you and I know you think you're going to have to walk away. And it's not because you don't feel the same about him - you never looked at me the way you’re looking at him.” he said.

  I flinched and forced my eyes away from Alex and back to Oliver.

  “If you walk away it'll be because you don't feel good enough and that's even worse. I was selfish when I wanted you to love me, because we weren’t right for each other, maybe this time is.” He gestured between me and Alex “Little bit of advice, walk away because being in love is the most incredible thing in the world and it's worth everything." said Oliver.