I wanted to crawl into bed and miss Alex in private. I searched for ‘kissing me’ on my music player and lay down on the bed to listen to the soothing melody. And even in the few moments in between not thinking about him, I’m still not at peace. A song I’d heard in his presence or the smell of coffee, and I’m right back there. My eyes kept straying to my phone. I wasn’t expecting to hear from him of course. And this was what I wanted. I was free and life would be simple again. So why did I feel so empty?
I have a book I’ve had for a long time; it’s filled with beautiful short poems by Rod McKuen. I found it one day in our attic buried under a pile of books belonging to various members of my family. On the inside hardback cover it said “For the words I cannot say myself, all my love.” It had been a gift from my Father to my Mother when they were dating. One of the poems that always stuck with me goes:
‘The cost of one warm moment
is considerable
but worth the poverty
that always staying private means.’
Now I understand its meaning. Only now do I know the worth of love and how much it pains to suffer its loss. And yet if I could go back I would go through it all again, and perhaps I am likening love to self-harm here because I willingly went into something so immense believing I couldn’t stay.
I emailed Amy that night, ‘How long do you think it takes to truly get over someone?’
She messaged back within an hour. ’Nina, how long is a piece of string? Feelings aren’t like turning off a tap. From the way you’ve talked about him, I knew it was more than friendship but I didn’t want to scare you by pointing it out. I guessed you would figure it out on your own.
It might feel like these emotions have come out of nowhere and you’re struggling to deal with them. I know that once you’ve made up your mind there is no point in trying to talk sense to you, so if you’ve made up your mind that you really can’t be with him, then you’ll just have to take your time and time will heal all wounds as they say. Just try not to think about him every second of the day.’
And so I spent the next two hours laid on my bed failing to do just that. I couldn’t even control my own thoughts; I cursed my own mind for its thoughts and my heart for its feelings. I’d rather break my own heart than be with Alex and have him break it for me. I don’t want to forget him but the memories are bittersweet. And even though I can’t have him I want him to be happy. As painful as it is to think of him with someone else, I’m not so selfish or naive enough to think that he will remain alone for long.
My Mother told me I was running away again. But that is not entirely the truth. Years before I’d found a place I could make a difference, a place I can do better and be better. I just hadn’t realised it at the time but now I understood, bad things had happened in my life but I couldn’t let it make me worthless when I could try to make a difference for other people.
I was going to leave the rain behind and head back to the sunshine. Well at least in the physical sense, as for the emotional side that remains to be seen. I had fallen down so many times and I admit I’d lost all hope I would make it through. I had wanted to take the so-called ‘easy way out’, in fact it had been one of the hardest things I had ever tried to do, just not quite as hard as trying to live.
I’d packed up my things so many times, I was an expert at it. It helped that I really didn’t have many possessions and I had mostly photographs and a few sentimental keepsakes which weren’t too heavy. I had no furniture of my own and all of my clothes, jewellery and various bits and pieces fit into three boxes. I held the photographs and looked through them slowly. In every single one I had taken the picture and it reflected my life, I was present but never really there in the lives of family and friends. It hurt even more because it was my actions and my own mistakes that had led to this.
“Joshua I have a bag of clothes that I was going to give to Lucy but she doesn’t have a car to collect them, could you do me the biggest favour and take them to her please?” I asked.
“Lucy is the blonde one right?” he asked as if he didn’t know.
Yeah, and I know you which one she is because you spent half the night at your birthday party talking to her!” I replied and he smiled shyly.
“Yeah sure, I can drop them off right now.” His voice was casual but I could see how keen he was to visit my friend. I thought I should probably give her at least some warning before my brother showed up on her doorstep, not least because she’d kill me if I didn’t. Ah maybe I should have thought of this when I was suicidal….not funny, maybe too soon to be making jokes about that. Although humour is the magic that heals right.
I watched my tall, confident brother walk to his car carrying the overstuffed bag of clothes and said a wish for him and Lucy. When I got to Italy I planned to buy a new phone with a number that only a couple of people would have. No one could contact me unless I gave them my number so no unexpected texts or calls.
Part of me wished I could at least say goodbye to him before I left. No that was a lie. I didn’t want to say goodbye at all. I just can’t find the strength to stay. For him to realise I can’t be saved and watch him eventually meet and fall in love with someone else. It was better this way. He will meet someone that can love him in the right way, while I could never hope to be the kind of person he might really fall in love with.
I couldn’t even learn to love myself, what chance was there that Alex would want someone so broken. And despite believing to my core that I am no longer capable of showing real love or being loved by anyone other than those obliged to me, as I write these last words I can feel my already ruined heart finally shatter.
Alex, just as you left a note for me, I leave one for you even though you will never read this. Somehow it feels right to put these words down, just to put them out there in the world.
It would be selfish for me to allow you to continue to be a part of my life. You will always be the best thing I never knew I needed and will never deserve. I wish you happiness and to forget me as I will always remember you.
I had one more thing to do before I left and so I drove the twenty mile round trip to visit my Grandmother’s resting place. Dusk was settling in and the cemetery was all but empty. I walked along the peaceful walkway until I found the right one. I changed the flowers for my fresh ones and sat on my jacket while I spoke quietly to her just like I used to when she sat by my side and listened to me. The stone was grey marble and I read the engraving for what must have been my hundredth time since it had been placed there years before.
‘You were loved more than you knew and still loved though you are gone. And even though you are gone, you are still with us.’
My belongings I was taking with me were all ready to go to the airport and the rest were home, including my diary which I had left hidden on my shelf. I coudn’t bring myself to destroy it and yet it felt wrong to take it with me.
Alex recalled the moment he had thought of looking for her diary less than a week ago. He had only left his flat for uni and work and it hadn’t left his side for a moment.
“Alex, you know I can’t remember the last time we had lunch together. I’ve missed this, I’ve missed you.” said his Mother.
He had the decency to look guilty as she spoke. “I know I haven’t been around much but it’s my final year and I have so much to do.” he replied.
“I don’t believe that’s the real reason you’ve stayed away. I know it’s painful for you to be here, surrounded by so many memories even after all these years. It’s been difficult for all of us but we still need to help each other through it. And I would love it so if you came home more often. It would mean the world to your Father. I know sometimes he feels he’s lost both of you.” said his Mother.
Alex watched as her eyes brimmed with tears and realised this is why he had stayed away. He couldn’t bear to see the pain in his Mother’s eyes and listen to his Father’s voice break. Their suffering only served to make it real when he invested so much
time in pretending his brother’s death hadn’t happened.
“I’m sorry, you’re right, it has been hard but I guess it was easier for me to just get on with my life and being here brings it all back.” he replied.
“Alex I need to say something to you and I want you to try to understand. Your brother spent his life planning and always seeking something he never found. He set his sights on the horizon, but the closer he got, the further away it was. I sometimes wonder if perhaps you are really trying to make the most of your life, as you say, by travelling and doing all these wonderful things, or if you are just trying to live your brother’s life for him because you feel guilty that you are alive and he’s not.” she said.
It seemed his Mother knew him more than he gave her credit for. “I was trying to, I think it was my way of dealing with it all. I know better now, things changed and I realised I need to live my own life.” he replied.
“You have changed, the last time you were here, you seemed different, happy even. I wondered if it had anything to do with the girl you had introduced us to. Nina, she’s such a pretty girl and so polite too. How is she?” she asked.
“I don’t know. She left, I’ve no idea where she is.” he said.
“I don’t know what happened between you two and as my son, of course I will always take your side. That said, you haven’t made it easy these last few years for anyone to know you, not really.”
“I know, I just wish I had known how she felt.” he said.
“Sometimes in life we think it would be so much easier if we could just read the other person’s mind and know exactly what they are thinking. You have to learn that the hard way though Alex, it’s why we live our lives, learning lessons and figuring out our own feelings while we make mistakes until we work out what we want in life.” she said. “How people feel doesn’t always match what they are thinking at every single moment. I know your Father and I don’t always see eye to eye and there are no doubt times when we would have ended up in divorce if we had been able to read other’s minds. We filter our thoughts to protect those we love, because you don’t always agree with absolutely everything the other person is saying or doing.
He couldn’t read Nina’s mind but he suddenly thought of something almost as close. He had forgotten about her diary and although there was every chance she would have taken it with her, he thought of her words in her text. In amongst the paragraph about being sorry how things had ended and that she would always care for him but this was the best it had said ‘I’m leaving everything behind and starting again.’ Everything could include her diary and if she had left it behind, it would be somewhere in her Mother’s house.
I was leaving every part of him, every memory, every thought, every shared second with Alex. I would never forget a moment of it, but I didn’t know how to stay so I was going to leave it all behind. And yet I knew I would be leaving a huge part of myself with him. Even if he didn’t know it, a part of me would always stay with him.
I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw, trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall. Matthew would be arriving soon to take me to the airport. I looked around my room one final time. I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, I was adamant the room was to be put to good use but my Mother insisted it would be here for me when I wanted to visit or if I decided I wanted to come home. It was the only reason I felt comfortable leaving the diary in the room, since I knew no one would use the room until I got back. I wasn’t ready to say ‘if I came back’ as it seemed to final.
My Mother and Joshua met us at the airport and my little brother unloaded my luggage on to a trolley for me. He seemed lighter and he had a smile I hadn’t seen for a while and I hoped it might have something to do with Lucy. We walked together with my Mother and Mathew and Amelia behind us. It wouldn’t be long until there would be a new member of our family and they had promised to video chat with me so I could meet my little niece, at least until I might come to visit.
As I approached the line to check in I saw our Father standing there and when he saw me he stepped forward a few paces and then paused as if unsure of what to do. I reached out and put my arm around his until we were almost hugging. We weren’t quite there yet, nevertheless, it was closer than we had been since I was a child and I had promised to write as often as I could.
“Nina!” I heard a voice shouting from behind and spun to see Kara running towards me. I had already said goodbye to everyone a few days before and yet here she was, of course, the sweet, kind-hearted girl who is and I hope always will be my friend.
“I had to come and wave you off.” she said.
“Thank you Kara, thanks for everything, you’re the best friend a girl could ask for.” I replied.
“Aw now don’t, you’ll make me cry. I’m going to miss you, we need to stop leaving each other like this. You promise you’ll keep your promise to keep in touch?” she asked.
I laughed at her question. “Of course.” I said and I meant it. Whether I deserved her or not, I had a good friend and I intended to be there her if she ever needed me. I was ready for a new start for my own life. I’m not sure the pain will ever leave me, but it’s lost some of its power over me.
Walking away from the check-in desk I found myself slowing my pace. It wasn’t that I had changed my mind, yet something had me scanning the crowds of people coming through the entrance. I felt a tug towards the door but I knew it wasn’t the need to say here. I made myself walk towards departures and with one last look behind me, I crossed the threshold.
I slumped forward, holding my head in my hands. I’d put all my feelings for her in a locked box and spent these last few months cooped up with anger.
“Alex, will you look at yourself, you’ve got it bad.” said DJ. “These last few months you’ve been distracted, keeping yourself to yourself, I’ve barely seen you.”
“I know, I’m sorry I’ve not been a very good friend. After that party that night with Nina and Dean, I don’t know, I just needed to deal with some stuff.” he replied. He’d told DJ about Nina’s diary, although he left out the suicidal thoughts and most of the relationships.
“Look, none of us said anything to you about it after the party because, well you had us convinced she was going to sleep with Dean after you two had kinda gotten close, and of course we were going to take your side. But now you know the truth.” he said.
“What difference does it make?” asked Alex.
“I don’t think you’re angry at her for leaving, maybe you’re just angry at yourself for letting her go. Anyone could see you two were crazy about each other, in fact I think the only people blind to it were you both. Look I don’t know what’s happened in Nina’s life but anyone can tell she hasn’t had it easy so yeah she didn’t have the strength to stay but the question is do you have the guts to go after her?”
Alex looked at him then and DJ nodded as if reading his mind.
Standing on the doorstep in the pouring rain, the water running down the back of his neck, Alex was suddenly reminded of Hugh Grant in Notting Hill – “I’m just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him”. Except on the other side of this door wasn’t the girl he had fallen in love with. He banged on the door, grateful it was only seven o’clock or this could go a whole other direction. This wasn’t the first time he had graced these stairs since she had left. Each time her Mother had politely informed him, they had no idea where she was and she only phoned home now and then to let them know she was safe. He wasn’t sure he believed her but there had been little he could say or do about it. Well apart from breaking and entering, stealing her diary, finding out the truth and now, well he wasn’t entirely sure what his next step was.
A shadow moved in the doorway, a woman silhouetted by the hall light. He heard the click of the door opening but held himself steady even though he wanted to walk in. He had to force myself not to stare at the plant pot containing the spare key that had allowed him into her home only the week before.
“Alex?�
�� she said. As always she didn’t look particularly surprised to see him but he saw the sadness in her eyes – he used to think it was pity but now he wondered if she knew how Nina felt and he could only hope she felt sadness that she couldn’t do more to help her daughter take the risk to stay and be with him instead of running away.
“Hi.” my voice came out raspy and choked. The sound of a broken man.
“I need to find her.” I pleaded. “Before you say anything, please just listen to me. I know everything and I can’t possibly understand what she’s been through, but I won’t let her throw away everything we had, everything we could have because she’s afraid. I love her and I know, I think she feels the same for me.” As confessions of love go, he knew it wasn’t the best, and all the less dramatic because he was saying it to her Mother but he could see her determined look faltering. He knew she was struggling between wanting to protect her daughter from more heartache and hoping that maybe this could be just what she needed if only she would be open to it. It was what he needed her to hope.
“Just let me try, please, and if she really doesn’t feel the same way then I’ll let her go for good this time and you’ll never see me again.” he said.
She turned suddenly back into the house and didn’t return for a minute or two. First he wondered if he should have followed her, but not wanting to invite himself in and realising he was soaked through and would only make a mess of her floor he continued to stand on the doorstep. Eventually she returned holding something rectangular in her hand. She seemed almost hesitant to hand it over but on looking at his face she nodded and pushed it into his hand. Alex tried to shield it from the rain but it was a pointless gesture as the water ran from his sleeves, down his hands and onto the card.
The Suicide Diary Page 31