His laughter stopped and he said, “How about just saying a few words starting with ‘I am here because...’”
“That easy, huh?”
He laughed. “Yeah, it’s that easy. Start with ‘When the phone rang, it was like...’”
The door opened then and Devon came in, his face gaunt and his hair hanging down on the sides. His blue eyes were so haunted I thought to myself that here we were, back at square one. Way to go Jaylene! He walked over to the other side of the bed and took my other hand. I looked up at him, but it was too painful, both because of my head and because of the knowledge that once again I’d put the pain back in his gaze. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, gathering the strength I would need to tell them where I’d gone that morning.
“January fifth last year at 5:00 a.m. I got the call from my grandmother that my father had had a massive heart attack. I drove frantically to the San Ramon Regional Medical Center from my apartment in Hayward and went into the ICU. My stepmother greeted me and told me she’d woken up because my father was snoring really loudly and then she heard him gasp for air and stop, just stop breathing. She called 911 and started CPR immediately. When the paramedics arrived they were able to get his heart going again, but they had no idea how long he’d been without oxygen.”
Devon sank to his knees on the floor next to the bed and both men leaned in, holding tightly to my hands. “They put him on ice for 36 hours to try to keep the swelling down and he was placed in a medically induced coma. The doctors had no idea if he would come out of it, but said this was his best chance of survival.” A tear slipped down and Devon wiped it away with a tissue. I opened my eyes and smiled at him. I could see the gratitude in his eyes that I was finally talking to him. I closed my eyes again so I could get the rest out.
“Shannon and I took turns sitting next to his bed for the next seven days. He’d have moments of progress, moving his legs, opening his eyes when his name was spoken, but then his lungs filled with fluid and he had to be suctioned frequently. When the nurses would suction him, his eyes would open and his face would scrunch up like he was crying. But that was it. That was all we got. Brain scans finally showed extensive damage and the pneumonia in his lungs was getting worse. The doctors suggested that we provide him with comfort care and that taking him off life support was our best option. It was the eighth day when we did that. My grandmother and stepmother and I held hands and sat with him for seven hours while he drowned in his own lungs and died.” I had to stop for a few moments and catch my breath. Just that little bit had made me tired. Devon rested his forehead against my hand and I reached up to touch his hair.
“When the phone rang this morning I guess my body just reacted. I’m assuming I had a panic attack in the bathroom. I haven't been in a hospital since that day last January. After the nurses came in to tell us he was dead, we hugged and then the two of them got in their car and drove home. I went back to my apartment alone. The next day I called the therapist I was doing my internship with and told him I was quitting, that I needed to leave. He was furious, told me I’d never get my license in California, and that he’d personally see to it. I packed up my shit, put it in storage and made arrangements to come here. I stayed in a boarding house, doing some guest tattooing at local shops. I met Daryl, then I met Mackenzie and then I moved to the building six months later with her. I haven’t been back to California since. And I obviously still have some lingering issues around death and dying.”
I chuckled at that and felt Devon rise up next to the bed and place a kiss against my forehead. I opened my eyes and his beautiful blues were looking down on me with so much compassion. And love. He brushed my cheek with his knuckles and smiled sadly.
“I’m so sorry, chère. I knew it was bad but...”
Marcus cleared his throat. “Jaylene I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”
I couldn’t look at them. My heart hurt in my chest along with my head killing me. I was so tired. I needed to finish so I could rest.
“Daryl’s been so good to me, almost like the dad my father could never be. When I heard Katie this morning it was...” I couldn’t hold back the sobs then.
Devon and Marcus both sat on either side of me. Devon pulled me into an embrace and held me. I don’t know how long I cried but when I moved to lie back against the pillow I must have gone back to sleep.
The next time I woke up I was curled up next to Devon again and Marcus was gone. I rolled over and found him sleeping. I tried to sit up, but he was gripping me so tight I had to wake him.
“Baby? I’m sorry to wake you, but I really need to pee.”
His eyes opened and he sat up dazed. He stood up and put the side rail down on the bed. I looked at him confused as he gently grasped my ankles and pulled them off the edge of the bed. He bent down and before I could protest, he’d lifted me from the bed and was carrying me effortlessly to the bathroom. Once inside, he stood me up in front of the toilet. I looked up at him and his eyes were bleeding concern and fatigue.
“I’ll wait right outside the door. Hold onto the rails.”
I nodded up at him and he turned from me. Boy, I really fucked things up. I sat down and did my business. When I was finished, I stood slowly feeling a little dizzy. I turned to wash my hands and caught sight of my multi-hued face. I gasped and Devon was immediately at my side.
“Oh, shit! How horrifically colorful is my face right now?”
Both of my eyes were deep purple around them and my jaw had an equally purple bruise forming on it. My hair looked completely disgusting. Blood was still caked in it on one side. From the looks of the bandage, I hit the left side of my forehead and must have bounced off and to the side because the bruise was along the right jawline. I suddenly became aware of an ache on my right shoulder and pulled the hospital gown aside to see a lovely purple bruise there as well. When I looked up again, I caught Devon’s eye in the mirror. I looked down and made quick work of washing my hands.
“Miss Charles?” Sylvia, the nurse, had entered the room and I saw her step behind Devon. “Are you feeling ok?”
I smiled. “Nature called. Devon helped me.”
She laughed. “That’s a good sign. I talked to Dr. Franklin and he said if you were able to get up out of bed you could go and see Mr. Doucette. Are you still up for it?”
I looked up at Devon and he just looked exhausted.
“I brought a wheelchair. Mr. Boudreaux, would you like to take her over?”
He nodded and put his arm around me to lead me out of the bathroom. He sat me down in the wheelchair and looked to the nurse.
“He’s just down the hall, follow me?”
She walked out ahead of us and Devon pushed the wheelchair. As soon as we left the room, I saw Mage and Jade and Marcus sitting together on a bench in the hall.
“Jaylene!” They rushed over and fussed about me and my bruises and bandage. They’d already heard what happened and Marcus must have told them what I had said because they didn’t ask. They each kissed me on the cheek and then Devon wordlessly led me down the hall to where Daryl’s room was.
I could hear laughing all the way outside the door. It stopped immediately when we entered the room. They both gasped and Katie sputtered, “Holy God in heaven, look at you!”
Devon wheeled me over to the side of Daryl’s bed and Katie jumped up to come around to hug me.
“How are you feeling,” I asked Daryl in a small voice.
He frowned. “Sure as shit better’n you! Are you alright?”
“I guess. I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier. And Katie I’m sorry I took Devon away from you when you needed him.”
They all just looked at me like I told them I was really Liberace. Devon cursed behind me and walked over to the door, his hands shoved in his pockets. I watched him take a few deep breaths and then I slowly turned back around, trying to disappear into my seat.
Katie stood and kissed Daryl on the cheek. “I’ll be right back, sweetie. Devon, will you walk me out to my car
? I want to call and check on the girls.”
She gave me a sad smile and walked out with Devon. I couldn’t look up at Daryl so I just stared down at my hands.
“I can sure clear a room, can’t I?”
Daryl blew out a breath and leaned back against his pillow. Alarmed, I looked up to make sure he was ok and I was met with Daryl’s most stern ‘you are gonna get it’ look. Oh shit.
“Jaylene Renee, if I hear the words ‘I’m sorry’ out of your mouth one more time, I will make good on my threat to put you over my knee. Now you better talk and talk right now. Something is wrong with you and neither of us can fucking go anywhere, so you got no choice but to spill.”
I laughed and winced from the pain. Even in a hospital gown Daryl was intimidating. Daryl’s look got downright dangerous at that point.
“I’m so...” I started and then thought better of it. “It’s just, Daryl, you are a very important person in my life and when Katie called this morning so upset I thought...” Tears started pouring again and I put my hands to my head. “Grrrr. This fucking hurts and I can’t stop crying.”
Daryl held out his hand and I took it in mine. When I looked up again, his eyes were watery too.
I took a deep breath and said, “I thought I’d lost you, and it hurt even more than when I lost my own father. You’ve been there for me more than he ever was, and I’ve only known you for a year and half. And how do I show my thanks? I keel over in the damn bathroom, get this amazing makeover, and piss off your too-good-for-me nephew.” I let go of his hand and my head fell forward into my hands. I tried to just breathe and will the tears and the pain to go away. I didn’t look up until I heard Daryl’s voice softer than I’d ever heard it.
“Dollface, you need to stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself right now. If anyone is to blame for this cluster fuck it’s me for not taking care of myself like you and Katie been after me to do. Dat’s all. It’s not your fault you had an asshole family dat don't appreciate you and made you feel like shit for needin’ anyone. Dat’s not us, chère. We all need each other. And you been there for my family and friends more times than I can count. You’re one of us! Dat means you don’t ever feel sorry when you knock da shit outta yourself in a hospital bathroom for fuck’s sake.” He started getting loud and I looked up, worried.
“Daryl, you better stop or you’ll get us both in trouble.”
He cursed again and I couldn’t help the giggle that slipped out.
“Now dat’s better,” he said haughtily. “And as for my nephew, you better get it through dat thick skull a yours dat he loves you and he ain’t goin’ nowhere. If I’d a found out dat he left your side to come check on my sorry ass, I woulda kicked him in his when I got outta ‘dis place. He don’t leave your side, dat’s how we do. Tell me you wouldna done the same thing in reverse.”
“Of course, but Daryl...”
He shook his head. “No ‘but Daryl’ Jaylene! Dammit girl! You deserve his love, and you deserve it from all of us. So take it, and quit tryin’ to do everything by your damn self.” He started coughing and the nurse came in.
“Mr. Doucette, you need to take it easy.”
He waved her away. “Now, now you’ll have to come back and do my sponge bath later, honey. I need to talk to my girl here.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You ain’t gettin’ no damn sponge bath, you dirty old man.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Didn’t take long for them to get you pegged.”
He smirked at me and gave me a wink.
I took a deep breath. “I love Devon so much, Daryl. I love him and I keep screwing up. I promised him I would never cause him to have that heartbreaking sadness in his eyes again and I did it today. I don’t want him to hurt anymore and I’m afraid I’m going to keep screwing up because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been alone for so long, it’s always been easier. You and Mackenzie are the best friends I’ve ever had and now Devon comes into my life and all I do is disappoint him.”
A mixture of anger and sadness flittered across his face and I flinched when he ground his teeth together before speaking. “Jaylene, girl, you need to learn the difference between disappointment and concern. Sure he’s goin’ ta get frustrated with you. What man in this world ain't been frustrated by the woman he loves? I can tell you, women are a frustrating lot by nature. But disappointed he’s not. Hurt? Now dat may be. He ain’t used to being around someone who is so damn closed off. And you do a helluva job of dat sometimes. I know you ain’t used to letting people in, but you betta learn and you betta learn quick. Don’t you push him away for any of your bullshit reasonin’. He’s a big boy now, he’s a grown-ass man, so let him fucking take care of you.” He coughed once again and then settled back down in his bed, glaring at me.
“Daryl! Your face is all red! I told you to take it easy,” said Katie as she hurried back over to his side.
He smiled when he saw her and his whole face relaxed. I used to watch the two of them together and wonder what it would be like to be loved like that. Devon loved me like that. I was grateful for his love and I needed to figure out how to quit frustrating him.
“You both look like shit so I’m taking you back to your room, Jaylene. I’ll be right back, honey.”
Daryl made a lewd comment that got a blush from Katie. She sashayed over to him and whispered something in his ear that made him groan. She laughed and started to turn my chair around to push me out.
“Hey Jaylene, you think about what I said, ok? Now I love you, girl, and I ain’t goin’ anywhere either, so go rest your pretty little head.”
I smiled back at him and said, “You better not go anywhere. I love you, too.”
He smiled approvingly at me and then closed his eyes to rest. He didn’t look like my father had looked, yellow and grey and old. Daryl was still full of life and I felt that he probably would be around for a lot longer. Especially if he really started taking better care of himself.
Katie wheeled me down the hall and back to my room. She helped me into bed and said, “Honey, would you like me to try to wash that out of your hair?”
“I’ll do it,” said Mackenzie as she stomped into the room. Oh, boy. Another pissed off person.
“Maybe I should just go to sleep,” I whispered and Mackenzie just plopped on the bed next to me.
“Uh uh. No fucking way. You’re going to talk to me, dammit.” In the dim light I could see that Mackenzie wasn’t wearing makeup and looked like she’d been crying.
“Katie? Where’s Devon?”
She smiled at me. “I sent him back to your place to take a shower and get you some clean clothes. I think he needed a break, even though he argued with me the whole way out to the car. I’m going to go check on Daryl. Thanks again, Mackenzie, for watching the girls.”
“No problem at all,” she said. “We played makeup studio and they got to practice on Star. Don’t worry, I got pictures.”
I laughed, but it hurt so I had to try to stop.
Katie kissed me on the cheek and said, “You stop trying to take care of everyone else, ok? Take care of you.”
I smiled weakly at her and said, “Thanks for everything, Katie.”
She nodded and left the room.
“I’m not going to yell at you because I’m sure Daryl just did. I’m going to wash this gunk out of your hair and then you’re going to sleep until Devon gets back.”
I nodded, “Yes, Mom.”
She harrumphed at me like a satisfied mama bear and went to the bathroom to get a wet washcloth and a bowl of warm water. I closed my eyes and tried to relax while she gently washed the dried blood from my hair. She was very quiet for Mackenzie and I opened one eye to peek up at her. She had a very serene smile on her face and her touch was so very tender.
“Thank you for coming, Mackenzie. I’m happy you’re here.”
She smiled. “Anything for you, dollface. Now just close your eyes and rest. You’re going to need it because I’m kicking your ass to
morrow.”
I chuckled, winced, and promptly fell asleep.
I heard Devon’s guitar and thought I was dreaming, but I was being poked and prodded, so I figured if I was dreaming it was a horrific nightmare full of pain and suffering. I felt like my skin was being ripped off and I cried out.
“Sorry, Miss Charles. I needed to change your bandage and check your sutures.”
It was a different nurse. The guitar strumming stopped so I figured I was imagining it until I felt a familiar weight settle onto the bed next to me. I smiled and turned in his direction.
“I thought I was dreaming. You really are here.”
He laughed softly and kissed the unbandaged side of my forehead. “I’m here. Do you need anything?”
I laughed and said, “I probably need to add a few things to my list of gross outs. Top of the list has to be that I’m a terrible patient and have the worst after-puking breath in history.”
He laughed and rubbed his hand across my stomach. It was a little tender but the warmth from his hand felt great. I held his hand there against me and he stilled.
“Does that hurt?”
I shook my head. “No, your hand feels nice. It’s a little tender. But I think I’m making progress because my head only feels like it weighs 50lbs, not 100.”
He laughed and kissed my cheek. “Ok, beautiful girl, why don’t you try to rest some more. If you’re feeling better in the morning the doctor said I can take you home.”
I snuggled up to him. But then I jumped and my eyes flew open. “Oh my gods, Devon! It’s Monday! We’re supposed to be back at the St. Germaine! You guys should be practicing!”
He pulled me back down and shushed me. “Actually, it’s Tuesday and it’s about 3:00 a.m. so we wouldn’t be practicing. You don’t need to worry about anything, ok?”
But they had so much work to do! How could he be so calm about it?
“But Devon, you guys lost a whole day and-”
He shook his head on the pillow next to mine and closed his eyes. “No more worrying. It’s all taken care of. Now go back to sleep.”
He must really have been tired if he wasn’t worrying. I turned over and pulled his arm close around me.
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