by Emma Davies
‘The weird thing is, now I can see my desire to write has been there all the time, staring me in the face. Every now and then I would glimpse it out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to turn and look at it properly, to acknowledge that it even existed. I think I’ve been so busy getting caught up in what everyone else was yearning for that I didn’t stop to think about what I wanted. Maybe I felt guilty about giving up a career in teaching, I don’t know…’
‘But now you’re ready to let it into your life?’ Callum’s hand took hers.
‘Oh yes,’ replied Lucy, ‘now I’m ready.’ She could see the blank pages stretching ahead of her, filling with her words, bringing colour and life to the stories that she wanted to tell. The thought made her happier than almost anything. Almost…
‘It’s not the only thing I’m ready to let into my life, though,’ she said, leaning forwards once more. ‘There’s something else very special, too.’
Chapter Thirty-Five
The view from her bedroom window was the same as it had been for every one of Lia’s thirty-two years. But come tomorrow, things would be different. Today, she would say her final goodbyes to her mum – and that altered everything. As she stared down into the street, she wondered how this new world would look. At least the weather was being kind.
Even so, it was cold in the bedroom and Lia held the mug of tea to her in comfort. It was the first of many she would undoubtedly drink during the hours ahead and, while a part of her wished for time to stand still, another wished for an end to the day so that she could climb back into bed and hide from everything, losing herself in the oblivion of sleep.
She had been aware of Jasper’s presence at times during the night, conscious of the thin wall that separated them as he lay in the hastily made up spare room, but she had slept, much to her surprise, until his soft knock this morning and a welcome drink. She had risen and put on the dress that Hattie had given to her. It was bold, bright and utterly beautiful, just the sort of thing her mum would have loved to dance in and therefore the perfect thing to wear.
The day went as well as could be expected. Jasper didn’t leave her side, his unobtrusive and undemanding presence, and gentle care of her exactly what she needed. He spoke to people when she had no words, organised them when decisions were beyond her and, as the morning became the afternoon, she could feel her face begin to unstiffen from its taut veil of dried tears.
Now they were back at her house and the kind neighbours and acquaintances that had come to pay their last respects had gone. There was just Jasper, Lucy, Hattie, Callum and Oscar left; five firm friends crowded into her tiny kitchen, and she felt safe, cocooned in the warmth of their closeness. There would be a time soon when Lia would want to be on her own, but not yet.
The kettle was coming to the boil again. More tea, but it was a comforting routine, part of the ritual of friendship, and today, more than any other day, they were all prepared to drink gallons of the stuff if it helped Lia. She looked around at their generous faces and realised that, apart from Oscar, they had each taken their turn in her kitchen this week – making drinks, preparing meals. They had got her through it and she realised suddenly that, from now on, they would be a part of her future too.
Hattie was deep in conversation with Lucy and Callum. Maybe Lia had imagined it, but there had been a touch here and there between the latter two that spoke of a new closeness. Or perhaps, thought Lia, it was just the happiness that shone out from both their faces. She tuned back in to the conversation when she heard her name.
‘But you must be thrilled!’ Lucy was saying to Hattie. ‘From what you’ve said, there’s going to be masses of people at the wedding, and they’ll all be wanting to know who made the beautiful dresses. Even if you only get a couple of bites it will be worth it. Word of mouth is the best advertisement. I mean, look at Lia today; apart from being the most inappropriate outfit I think I’ve ever seen anyone wear at a funeral, she looks amazing.’
Jasper cleared his throat pointedly and Lia blushed.
‘I know we said I should wear this when I dance, but now I’m not going to; it just seemed… fitting to wear it today.’
‘And I’m honoured, Lia, I truly am. If that dress has helped you at all, then my job is done,’ said Hattie.
‘But like Lucy said, when people get to see what you’re capable of, it’ll hopefully be a job that goes on and on.’
Hattie grinned. ‘I know, and my sister has promised to sing my praises at every opportunity; a couple of her friends are getting married soon and they’ll all be there. If I can get one or two commissions I can update my sewing machine and buy some other bits and bobs I’ll need. Then I’ll be all set to go. The best thing, of course, is that it will all work so well around Poppy.’
She fingered the neckline of the beautiful shift dress that Lia knew she had made.
‘I don’t know why I didn’t think of turning my dressmaking into a business before.’
‘Things often have a time and place all of their own, I find, and you know instinctively when the moment is right,’ said Lucy.
‘Plus,’ Lia cut in, ‘you look absolutely gorgeous, and whether you realise it or not, that’s given you masses of confidence.’ She reached out a hand towards Hattie. ‘I mean, look at this dress,’ she added. ‘You would never have worn something so slim-fitting before and even though you didn’t need to lose any weight, the confidence it’s giving you is rippling through other areas of your life.’
Hattie looked down at her dress, clearly thinking about Lia’s words. ‘I think I’ve finally become unstuck,’ she said. ‘Freed from all those things that were holding me back. Things I didn’t even know I was stuck to.’ She pulled a face. ‘Like Poppy’s dad, for one. I thought I was over him when really I’ve been letting him and his actions tell me I’m rubbish for years. You start to believe it after a while.’
Callum nodded, a knowing smile on his face. ‘You do,’ he said. ‘It’s a trap I’ve fallen into myself, but if you’re lucky, something, or someone, comes along to change all that.’ He looked pointedly at Lucy, and Lia felt a surge of happiness. It made her hugely relieved that she could still feel such a thing.
‘You’ve obviously found what it is that sets you on fire,’ added Callum. ‘There’ll be no stopping you now.’
Hattie blushed gently. ‘I hope so,’ she said. ‘I feel it’s time I stopped treading water.’ She dropped her head a tiny bit. ‘There’s another reason,’ she added – somewhat shyly, thought Lia. ‘Just something that’s given me some hope for the future, which is daft really, considering, and harder still to explain why, but the thought of it all makes me feel… optimistic – a little excited, even.’ She looked directly at Lia. ‘I’ve told you a few things about my family, haven’t I? How cold my mum has been over recent years?’ She looked at the group and then back at Lia, fingers touching her mouth. ‘I’m not sure I should tell you this really, but I don’t suppose it matters—’ She stopped suddenly, pulling her brows into a frown and then, ‘No, actually – it’s nothing to be ashamed of; that was part of the problem all along… You see, my mum was adopted; she found out just after I fell pregnant with Poppy, when the woman I thought of as my grandma died. I told her I could never give Poppy up for adoption – but only because I had the luxury of choice and didn’t know about Mum’s situation, but she took it the wrong way…’ She paused again. ‘Anyway, none of that much matters now. The thing is that my mum’s real parents have come forward, and while she doesn’t want to see them just yet, one day I might get to meet my real grandparents, and I’d love that for Poppy too. My granddad died when I was quite young, but I always had such a special relationship with my grandma. Nothing will ever change how I feel about her, but it would be wonderful to have that all over again…’
Lia looked up sharply, suddenly aware that the room had gone very quiet. Hattie sensed it too, a sudden flush of colour tinting her cheeks. ‘Oh, God, I’m sorry. Listen to me rambling on. You don’t wan
t to hear all about that family stuff, I—’
It was Lucy who came to her rescue, moving between them all to give Hattie a warm hug.
‘I think that’s wonderful,’ she said, pulling away with a generous smile on her face. ‘You’re right, it is a lovely thought, but, more than that, your family has been through some tough times. That you’re managing to put those things behind you now can only be good.’
Lia could feel her eyes begin to prickle again, but she went forward to hug Hattie regardless. ‘Lucy’s right,’ she said. ‘There’s nothing more important than family, is there?’ She flapped a hand at her face. ‘Just ignore me if I start blubbing again, but isn’t that why we’re all here today? To celebrate a life and to rejoice that it was here at all? What is it someone said…? Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.’
Oscar got to his feet, his sombre black suit enlivened by a deep-purple waistcoat and bow tie. ‘Hear hear, young lady!’ he said. ‘Hear, hear!’ And he raised an imaginary glass to her. The bubble of tension in the room dissolved in an instant.
‘Oscar, that’s a fine idea,’ said Jasper, stepping forward. ‘We need a drink! Now, is everyone okay with tea, or do we think we might manage a glass of something stronger?’
Lia looked at the clock on the wall. ‘It’s five o’clock somewhere,’ she said. ‘There’s wine in the fridge, Jasper – and for God’s sake, please everyone; sit down and help me finish this mountain of food!’
They all stared at the table, which was heaped with the remains of the wonderful buffet that Clive had made. Hattie pulled out a chair, as did Callum, followed rapidly by Lucy, who patted the one next to her. Jasper plonked a bottle of wine amid the bowls and dishes and stood at one end of the table. He motioned for Lia to take the other, and she sat down, laughing, with a small curtsy.
‘Come on everyone,’ she said, ‘dig in.’
No-one needed a second invitation and the conversation flowed once more.
‘It’s just like my first book club meeting,’ said Hattie. ‘Do you remember? Where everyone talked about wish fulfilment and what they longed for. At the time, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what I wanted, but you did, Lia, and you got your wish to dance after all. You will keep it up, won’t you?’
Lia gave Jasper a tentative smile. ‘I will,’ she said. ‘It might take me a while to get back into it – the next few months are going to be tough – but I will. I don’t think I could live without dancing now.’ She paused for a moment, flicking another glance at Jasper. ‘In fact, no-one knows this yet, and it will take me an age to get good enough to be able to do it, but one day I think I’d like to teach people to dance.’
Jasper laid a hand over hers. ‘That is absolutely the best idea I’ve heard in ages,’ he said with conviction, and Lia beamed.
‘And what about you, Oscar?’ added Hattie. ‘What will the new year hold for you, do you think?’
Oscar steepled his fingers theatrically. ‘I should much rather listen to what you young people have up your sleeves. At my advanced age, I’ll just be happy to make it out alive.’ He directed a look at Callum. ‘This chap here, for example, has some pretty remarkable talents. I’d like to know what you’ve decided to do?’
Lia didn’t think she had ever seen Callum blush so red before. It was a good sign.
‘Well, I…’ He scratched his head. ‘I’m going to enjoy getting to know Lucy a whole lot better.’ He winked to a low whistle from Hattie. ‘And then I’m going to start up my own business in IT consultancy, amongst other things designing websites for people trying to get their own businesses off the ground.’
Oscar nodded, just like a proud father. ‘I’m delighted to hear it. You have a bright future ahead of you.’
Hattie elbowed Callum gently. ‘Mates’ rates?’ she asked with another wink, which set them all off laughing again.
‘I had a good feeling about you two,’ said Lia, beaming at Lucy. ‘I’m so happy for you, and no-one deserves it more. If it hadn’t been for you encouraging me to follow my dreams I’d never have learned to dance, or met Jasper…’
‘And I wouldn’t have lost weight and found my mojo again,’ added Hattie.
‘I’d still be festering at home letting my brothers take the piss at every opportunity, whereas now…’ Callum flashed a cheeky grin at Lucy.
Oscar cleared his throat. ‘And I wouldn’t be delighting in the company of a wonderful group of friends, who make me feel younger than I have in years.’
Lia raised her glass towards Lucy. ‘There you are then,’ she said. ‘You started all of this, Lucy, you’ve helped us all along the road – but what about you? What’s the one thing you long for the most?’
‘If she doesn’t say me, I’m going to be very disappointed,’ said Callum, pausing for effect. ‘Under the circumstances I’ll let her off – but only because I do know what she wants, and it’s almost as good.’ He sat back, grinning at her. ‘Go on, Luce – tell everyone.’
Lucy screwed up her face. ‘Oh, this is so embarrassing…’
‘No, it isn’t,’ countered Callum. ‘I think it’s wonderful, and so will everyone else.’
Lucy looked hesitantly around the room.
‘Go, on,’ Lia urged, ‘tell us what it is.’
Lucy took a visible breath. ‘It’s something I’ve been doing for years – not properly, just little bits here and there, but these last few months… I dunno; it feels a lot more important now – like an itch I can no longer bear not scratching.’
‘What is it, Lucy?’ asked Hattie eagerly.
‘I want to write,’ said Lucy simply. ‘I mean, I am writing, I have been, but it’s what I want to do now, properly, more than anything.’
Hattie clasped her hands together like an excited child. ‘What, books, you mean? Stories? Like we read in the book club?’
Lucy nodded, her eyes shining.
‘Isn’t it brilliant?’ said Callum. ‘I told you.’
Lia found a huge smile on her face, again. It was just about the most perfect thing she had heard. ‘You should write about us, Lucy,’ she said quietly. ‘Just listening to us all here today, and hearing what we’ve all got planned – there isn’t anyone who could tell our story better than you.’
‘But I couldn’t do that!’ protested Lucy.
‘Why ever not?’ said Lia. ‘If we all agreed – and I for one would definitely agree.’
‘Yes, so would I!’ added Hattie. ‘Although only if you make me a size eight with big boobs!’
‘I’d like to be a foot taller,’ said Callum.
‘And of course, I’d be a devilishly handsome cad with a twinkle in his eye,’ finished Oscar.
Lucy laughed. ‘But you already have a twinkle in your eye, Oscar.’
‘Well then,’ he replied. ‘You’re halfway there already.’
‘I don’t know,’ said Lucy, fidgeting slightly. ‘I’ll think about it.’
Chapter Thirty-Six
Oscar placed the glass of port carefully on the table beside his chair. It was only early, perhaps too early, but it was a Christmas Eve tradition and one that he still carried out. He rarely had alcohol in the house now – living alone it was too much of a temptation. It would be far too easy to succumb to its false friendship, to believe the promises it made, and he had no desire to see out his time in a daily attempt to erase those memories he no longer cared for. Alcohol was no great discerner and he knew that the countless good memories would be lost to it also.
He looked steadily at the chair on the opposite side of the fireplace. ‘They were happy years, Mary, were they not?’ he said. ‘And for the most part I never wanted anyone but you.’ He shook his head gently and frowned. ‘I don’t know, perhaps you were right after all. Maybe it is better never to allow possibility to sweet-talk you, to dangle hope in front of you like a carrot before a donkey.’ He frowned again and picked up the newspaper from the arm of the chair. ‘Yes, perhaps you were right.’
&
nbsp; He shook the paper open, casting his eyes down the columns until he found what he was looking for. He didn’t enjoy many of the festive programmes that television had to offer but the carol concert from King’s College was something he never missed. He had over an hour and a half to wait, though, so perhaps he should enjoy a slice of the Christmas cake he had stashed away in his cupboards. That, and a good book should pass the time quite nicely.
Ten minutes later he picked up the last remaining chunk of marzipan from a plate at his side. The book remained unopened on his lap, but he turned his attention to it now, replacing his glass on the table and lifting the pages to where a bookmark had been inserted previously. He stared at the words until they blurred in front of his unseeing eyes. A heavy tear splashed onto the page. He brushed it away, angrily. Why couldn’t he just leave things alone? Accept that it was over, and move on with his life. He knew he was being foolish, and that a wise man would drink his port and read his book, but Oscar’s heart was not prepared to give up just yet – not when there was still a little hope.
He closed his book again and stared once more at the chair where his wife had always sat. ‘There’s not much I’ve asked for over the years, but we always prayed for a little Christmas miracle, didn’t we, Mary? Perhaps this year…’ He gave a sad smile and pulled himself to his feet.
*
She would be out, of course, thought Oscar. At this time of night on Christmas Eve, Hattie and her little girl would undoubtedly be somewhere else, listening to carols or visiting family, but as he picked his way carefully down the road to her house, he looked at the lit-up windows he passed and prayed.
He almost didn’t do it. His hand rose from the pocket of his heavy tweed jacket and hovered somewhere in mid-air before he finally screwed up the courage to ring her doorbell. His heart began to beat wildly and he leaned against the porch as he waited.