“If a file was deleted from your server is it gone forever?”
“No way. Our servers back up everything up, even folders a client deleted on their end.”
That was it. The missing piece I needed.
Chapter 14
The Filler
Something was working behind Nick’s eyes. The rest of the world had fallen away, and he was deep in thought. It was interesting to watch; he looked like he was putting a puzzle together in his mind. Every few seconds his brow scrunched, then he’d relax, and the corner of his mouth would pull down. My favorite was when he was concentrating extra hard; he’d bite the corner of his bottom lip.
I picked up my abandoned pizza and took a bite, nudging his knee. “Hungry?” I laughed.
“Yeah, sorry. What’s funny?”
“You. Has anyone ever told you, you make funny faces when you’re thinking?”
“I do?” he laughed. “No. No one has ever told me that. Sorry. I didn’t mean to space out on you.”
“It’s okay. Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
Nick picked up his pizza and took a bite while I gathered my thoughts. I wasn’t sure how to ask without sounding like a silly teenager, but not knowing was driving me crazy.
“Why did you tell Beth you were my boyfriend?” I rushed out.
“Honestly?” He put his pizza on the plate and set it on the coffee table.
“Yeah.”
I wished I hadn’t asked the question. Here was the part where he told me that he only said it to stick up for me. Beth was a bully and, of course, someone like Nick would want to put her in her place. But somewhere deep inside of my belly butterflies had taken flight when he said he was my boyfriend. It was stupid. I had no chance with a man like Nick, regardless if he said he wanted to kiss me and he’d said I was beautiful. I knew my place. There was no way I’d be able to keep him, and I didn’t know if my heart would survive when it ended.
“I said it for two reasons. The most important one is I want to get to know you. I want to take you out on a date and show you off before I bring you home and kiss you. I want to watch movies and eat pizza at home while I listen to you tell me stories about your childhood. I want things with you, I’ve never wanted with another woman. If that needs to be labeled as your boyfriend? I’m good with that – more than good actually. I don’t want to freak you out, we’ll go slow and take our time, but Meadow Holiday, there is something about you that has made this whole other side of me come alive. I can’t explain why - it just is what it is. I’m smart enough to know not to fight it and aware enough to know you’re going to fight it every step of the way. I’m ready for the battle, even if that means I have to go to war with what’s swirling around inside your head. I’ll fight for you, for us, for you to give us a chance. That’s all I need, a chance.”
I was most definitely still under hypnosis. I’d asked him before if he was real, if I was awake, and he told me he was but – I had to be dreaming.
No one had ever wanted to fight for me, not even before my attack. Sure, I’d had dates, men had found me attractive, but there was no deep connection. Not that I’d ever felt. Since the day I’d woke up in the hospital, I’d felt like my life was over. I’d lost so much, and not just my looks; my sense of security, my self-confidence, and my future were gone. The attack was my fault. I’d left willingly with someone who’d tried to kill me. How could I ever trust myself again? I was no good to myself or to someone else. But now there was Nick, saying all the right things, and I desperately wanted to believe him.
“And the second reason?” I asked.
“Because no one is going to ever make you feel less than when I’m around. That woman wasn’t saying she was surprised you had a man because she was happy for you. She was trying to put you down and get the upper hand. And that, Red, is a no-go for me. I told her this, and I’ll tell you; you are a hundred times more appealing than her, and it has nothing to do with physical appearance. You can take one look at her and know she is nasty and rotten to her core. You, on the other hand, are pure sweetness. I’d take you with a burlap sack, sleep hair, and morning breath over her at her best any day of the week.”
I nodded and picked up my pizza taking a bite. I didn’t know what to say and figured if I shoved pizza in my mouth I wouldn’t have to respond.
No such luck when Nick asked, “Are you alright with that?”
“With what?”
“All of it.”
I closed my eyes and squeezed them together, not wanting to see his face. “After… you know.” I was so fucking tired of saying the word attacked. “I got an infection. Even with antibiotic treatment, there was major damage to my reproductive organs. I had to have a hysterectomy. I can’t have children. I’m twenty-six years old, and I’ll never be a mother.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, baby.”
I heard his words and the pity in his voice. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me; I wanted him to wise up and stop the madness.
“Nothing can come of this between us; you know that, right? I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight. You’re a great guy, and I believe you think you mean all those nice things you said to me. But let’s face it, I’m not marriage material. I’m filler. That’s all I can be. I thought I was okay being that for you. But I was wrong. There’s no way I can get to know you and not develop feelings. I think it’s best if we walk away now before my heart gets broken.”
There. I’d said it. I let him off the hook, and when I opened my eyes I figured I see some sort of relief on his face. After all, I was being practical; he’d want a family one day, I couldn’t give that to anyone. However, I didn’t see relief. I saw so much anger I recoiled and scooted as far away from him as I could in the small space the couch would allow.
“The fuck did you just say?” he growled.
“Umm… which part?”
“The filler part,” he sneered.
Oh boy, he was mad.
“You know the women you date when you’re done sleeping around but not ready to settle down and get married. The fillers.” I heard the words coming out of my mouth, and I watched as his eyes narrowed into two small slits, but I couldn’t stop. “The woman you use to cut your teeth on, see if you’re ready for a real relationship.”
“I’ve heard some fucked up shit in my life. I’ve seen even more. I’ve seen the viciousness one person can inflict on another. But never have I witnessed someone be so cruel to themselves. Beyond that, you think so little of me that not only do you think I would use you, but you think I would use other women to cut my teeth. That is jacked. Everything you just said is so fucked up I don’t know where to begin to straighten your shit out. You. Are. Not. Filler. Not to me, not to any other man. I still don’t understand what the hell that means. Your head is so twisted you’ve imagined some bullshit universe where that makes sense. It doesn’t. It’s fucked, Meadow!”
“I didn’t mean to offend you. I was trying to explain that I know I don’t have anything to offer a man long term. And I’ve made peace with it.”
My clarification didn’t seem to calm him down any; he was still red-hot mad.
“Offer a man? What the hell does that mean?”
“I can’t have kids!” I all but yelled, and Sally popped her head and pinned her ears to her head. Damn, now I was pissing Sally off, too.
“And?” he shrugged.
He shrugged like it was no big deal. Like me being barren didn’t make me less than a woman.
“Does there need to be more?”
“Red, I’m real sorry to hear that happened. I’m not a woman. I imagine it’s difficult. And I’m not saying this to be a dick, but do you think you’re the first person that’s been unable to have children? It sucks, I get it. But if you want to have kids, adopt. Just because you cannot physically grow them in your body does not mean that they will be any less yours. Just so you know, that’s not a deal breaker for me. I wasn’t raised by my biol
ogical parents. My dad died before I was born, and my mom was in jail from the time I was eleven to the day she died. My uncle and aunt raised me, and I can promise you they didn’t love me any less because I was not theirs biologically. I was lucky Nolan and Reagan were there and took me in; a lot of kids don’t have that. Why wouldn’t I want to give that to a child that needs it? Why wouldn’t you? So, yes, Meadow, there needs to be more.”
“I…” There was nothing I could say that didn’t make me sound selfish or like a bitch. But he was right; I could adopt. I had considered adopting a child on my own one day. I honestly didn’t believe a man would ever want a woman as badly damaged as me. Not that I would tell Nick that; he was mad enough at me already.
“Come here.” He tugged my hand, pulling me to him. Actually, he pulled me over him until I was practically sitting in his lap. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”
I hadn’t realized I’d started, but now he’d drawn attention to it, I felt the tears falling. I hated crying and didn’t want him to see me so weak.
“Sorry.” I swiped at the tears on my cheeks. “I hate crying. I did enough of it for years.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. Meadow, you have to stop thinking the worst of yourself. You are no man’s second best. You are a strong, beautiful, woman.”
I snugged into his chest, soaking up as much heat as I could. I needed it. I needed the comfort he offered if only for tonight.
“I don’t feel strong. I’m sitting on your lap crying like a baby. And I haven’t felt pretty or like a woman in a long time.”
“We’ll change that,” he said with a confidence that sounded a lot like arrogance.
“I don’t see how,” I argued.
Nick’s hand came up, and he brushed my hair from my face, exposing the scar. When I tried to burrow my face into his chest, he stopped me and forced my chin up until I was looking into his eyes. I’d never seen eyes like his. One was green; the other was half-green half-brown. It might’ve been the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I was going to tell him so when he stopped me in my tracks.
“Red, one day soon I’m gonna love you so hard you won’t remember a time you didn’t have it. I’m gonna start here.” He tapped my forehead. “Then I’m gonna move to here.” His hand moved to my heart, and I felt a zap when he touched my skin. “After I know I’ve made you a believer, I’ll move here.” He brushed the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip. I fought the urge to snake my tongue out and suck it into my mouth. “I’m gonna love you so thoroughly and carefully with my mouth and fingers there will be no doubt you’re all woman.”
Sweet Jesus! Did he say that? I was ready to tell him he’d already made me a believer so we could get to the mouth and fingers part of his program.
Chapter 15
The beauty of a text message
“Hey, Kristy. Glad I caught you.”
“Whatcha got Nick? Kilby needs these cell phone records asap,” she said, stopping at my desk.
“Mike and I were just talking about security feeds at the bars being deleted,” I explained.
“What about them?”
“Can you pull where the bars stored their feeds? I’m looking for crossovers on any cloud servers.”
“Sure. It will take me about an hour. If I remember, all but two used offsite storage.”
“Thanks. ‘Preciate it.” Kristy hurried off in the direction of Kilby’s office, and I turned back to Mike. “How are your girls?”
“Doing okay. Janey is taking it the hardest. She called last night to complain about Donna’s new man. She graduates high school in a month and wants to come live with me over the summer before she leaves for college. I told her I’d love that; Donna pitched a fit. Once Catherine and Victoria heard the idea they wanted to come too, which led to the conversation about living with me during the week and staying with their mom on the weekends, to which Donna went postal and told the girls over her dead body.”
“Shit Mike. That’d be great, the girls living with you,” I told him.
“It would. I’d love it. But the truth is.” Mike stopped and looked at the ground and shook his head. “Donna might be a lot of things - a cheating bitch being one of them, but she’s a good mom. I know the girls are upset about the divorce. However, I don’t want them to lose their mom. They’ve always been tight; they’re teenage girls, they’re gonna need her more and more. Not that they don’t need me, but their momma is important. And trying to talk to Donna about the fact that her bringing a man around so soon is upsetting her girls is like talking to a brick wall. All she says is I’m jealous, then breaks out into a tirade of how I wronged her and all the things I didn’t give her, making everything my fault. I’m at a loss man. There’s no reasoning with the woman.”
“You’re a good dad.”
“I’d cut my arms off for those girls. From the minute Janey was placed in my arms, I knew my world had changed. There was this little girl that needed me for everything. Having kids is life changing man.”
I knew Mike was right. I’d watched all my uncles have kids; I’d seen first-hand how a tiny baby could bring the toughest man to his knees. I’d never thought about having kids of my own, not in any real way. Sure, I wanted them and figured one day I’d have them. But until Meadow, I’d never considered what that would be like, and biologically she couldn’t have any. I’d told her about Nolan and Reagan raising me, and I wouldn’t mind adoption. The words flew out without thought as soon as I saw her pain. However, as I laid in bed that night, I really considered what that would mean - not having a child of my own. The thought stung. The more I contemplated, I realized that was Meadow’s reality, and awareness kicked in. My heart ached for her. The way she told me she couldn’t have kids, with her eyes screwed shut like she couldn’t bear to have them open when she said the words, told me she’d wanted children. Not being able to have beautiful daughters with shiny red hair and green eyes made my insides hurt. However, I knew deep down, if I could convince her to take a chance with me, and Meadow and I went the distance, there was a child out there that needed us. A child I would welcome and love.
“I guess it would be.”
“I’m gonna run some of the doctors Joel and Ben found. You wanna grab some lunch in a few?”
“Another time? I’m gonna call Meadow and see if she wants to meet.”
“Ah, yes, the beautiful Meadow. How’d dinner go last night?”
Suddenly, gossiping like teenagers became more important than his reports. He sat on the corner of my desk waiting for details.
“I don’t know where to begin. It was eye-opening. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle getting close to her, but man, I didn’t expect World War three. She had some bullshit in her head about being filler,” I explained.
I was getting pissed all over again. After I left Meadow’s last night with a kiss and a promise to call soon, I replayed her words over and over. Filler? What the fuck.
“What the fuck is filler?” he asked, just as confused as I was when she told me.
“She says fillers are the women who men find when they’ve had enough sleeping around but aren’t ready to get married.” Mike chuckled. “What’s funny.”
“I’ve never thought about it that way, but she’s not wrong.”
“What the fuck! Meadow is not filler.”
“No, not Meadow. I get that. All I’m saying is I understand her logic.”
“I do too,” Joel added, joining our conversation. Christ. Were these two insane? There was no such thing as filler. I took a breath, trying to lower my blood pressure when Joel spoke. “I’m not saying her logic isn’t fucked up. No woman should ever call themselves filler, but I can track her thinking. Remember when I told you I knew Ellie was the woman I was going to marry the minute I saw her?”
“Yeah, but you waited two years to ask her out,” I answered.
“Right. Do you think I was a monk for two years? I wasn’t. I still dated, still slept around. I’m not bragging an
d not proud of what I did, but I was young. I knew myself, and I wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment. In the two years I dated other women, I knew I’d never fall in love with them, I would never offer them anything more than a few months. I already knew Ellie was it for me. I simply wasn’t ready for her.”
I thought about what Joel said, and I could understand what he was saying, but it was still jacked.
“So, you fucked other women knowing that the woman you wanted to spend your life with was right in front of you?”
“Yep. I knew I needed to get all the childish bullshit out of my system before I could go to Ellie as a man, not a boy. I was still at frat parties every weekend. I had to finish school, and yes, I had to sleep with other women. I’m not saying I was some sleazeball, but there were a few. If I hadn’t grown up and waited, I knew I’d wonder if I was losing out on the college experience, or if there was something I was missing. I know myself. I needed to be the man she needed because she deserved nothing less. Ellie is… everything. I never stopped watching and waiting.”
“Quite the chance you took. Ellie is a beautiful woman. You’re lucky someone else didn’t scoop her up,” Mike laughed.
“I was never worried. There was no way she could ever fall in love with someone else. Not when the connection we had was so strong. She needed to live and grow too. Besides, look at me, you think another man could stand a chance?”
Mike and I both laughed at Joel’s arrogance. He was a good-looking man, but Ellie? She was stunning and brilliant. Joel had definitely married up. Dr. Ellie Brinkley worked for the CDC here in Virginia.
“I’m not saying you think of her as filler, and I never thought of any of the women I dated that way. But her? Her self-esteem the way it is, I can see why she feels that way,” Joel added.
“I hate she feels that way. She told me about her hysterectomy. I didn’t tell her I already knew. That’s another thing, she feels like she has nothing to offer a man because she can’t have kids.”
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