Chapter 27
Alive and breathing
“You’re gonna give yourself a stroke if you don’t calm down,” my uncle told me.
I loved my uncles, but I was happy Lenox, Jasper, and Levi were all getting ready to leave to have dinner with the director to discuss some upcoming training contracts. Now that they’d retired from the Army, they owned a huge facility where they offered comprehensive firearms instruction and scenario-based training to a variety of government agencies. They’d never been short on contracts since they’d opened their doors; men with their specialized skillset were in high demand.
I didn’t need them all ganging up on me again, telling me Meadow looked like she was getting ready to stab me and they’d hold me down, so she had a clear target.
“You don’t understand.” I gritted my teeth, trying not to lose patience with the men who had raised me.
“I don’t?” Nolan’s face turned to stone, his stance widened, and his arms crossed over his wide chest, a pose that used to scare the shit out of me when I was a teenager.
“How could you? I fucked up. I was so caught up in her that I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. She almost died. One more minute and she wouldn’t be here. Do you know what that feels like?”
“I do. When I found your aunt on that oil rig, she’d already lost a fucking kidney and half her liver. The motherfucker had opened her up and taken an organ, Nicholas. Do you want to know what he was selling next? Her goddamn eyes. She was prepped and ready to be butchered again when we got there. So, yes, son, I think I understand exactly what you’re feeling. You were there, you knew how I felt about Reagan, but I was trying to play it cool, and let her go. You wanna know why I didn’t stop her from leaving and moving to Florida? Pride. I was too afraid she’d turn me down and move after I told her how I felt. And my poor man-ego was afraid of rejection. I let her go. I wasn’t there to protect her. She almost died. They both almost died. But neither of them did. Meadow is alive and breathing.”
Shit. I felt like a complete asshole. I was only eleven when Reagan was taken. My uncle was scared to death even though he tried his best to hide it from me. Everyone was. When she came home, no one talked to me about the specifics. I was a kid, and my uncles did their best to shield me from anything that would upset me.
“The only thing that mattered to me was that she was breathing when I found her. I must’ve repeated it a thousand times in my head – as long as you’re breathing I can love you through anything. The whole time she was in the hospital, all I needed was for her to keep breathing. The rest? The scars, both physical and emotional – we’d love her through them. Her nightmares – I’d hold her. It didn’t matter. None of it did.”
“She wants to know the details,” I told him.
“So tell her,” Jasper spoke for the first time.
“What? Why? She doesn’t need to know,” I countered.
“You’re wrong. She does. Your aunt blackmailed me into telling her what happened when I found her. She refused to move in with us until I told her what happened on the oil platform. I dodged every time she asked me, until one night in bed she held my ass to the fire and demanded I tell her everything,” Nolan explained.
“She’s not ready. I’m doing the right thing,” I argued.
“No.” Lenox started. “You’re not ready. And that I know something about. I spent twelve years thinking I was doing the right thing, and another nine months after that fighting a losing battle. It almost lost me Lily and Carter.”
Levi had been the only one not to speak up, but by the look of condemnation on his face, I knew I was about to get a dressing down.
“You’re wasting time, and all of us standing here can tell you, time is not your friend. Man up, and tell her what she wants to know. When she breaks under the weight, hold her up. The woman in there loves you, don’t waste it because of some misplaced guilt. There was nothing you could’ve done differently that would’ve prevented Beth from hurting Meadow. If you keep holding on to that notion, there will be no room left for Meadow.”
“What’s going on?” Meadow asked as she limped into the living room.
Levi’s hand on my shoulder halted my reprimand. “You’re gonna have to learn to pick your battles. She’s stronger than you think. And you handling her with kid gloves is not helping. You can only push her so far before you’re on the begging end of this relationship. Trust me, it sucks.”
“Nothing, sweetheart. Come and sit down. We were just getting ready to leave for dinner,” Nolan answered.
“You’re going too?” I asked.
“Yeah. Meadow, Nick has some stuff he needs to tell you; we’ll give you privacy.”
My own fucking uncle threw me under the bus.
Goddammit to hell.
Chapter 28
Veronica Venus
“Why do you keep apologizing? It’s not your fault.”
I was trying to be patient, but now I was getting annoyed. Nick had apologized no less than five times in the last thirty minutes since his uncles left.
“I should’ve gotten to you sooner.”
“Really? How? With your psychic abilities? You guys found me; that’s all that matters.”
Sheesh. Enough with the guilt already!
“She drugged you, and…”
“Stop. Enough. I know what she did Nick. I was there. I drank the coffee. I am the one who should’ve known better than to drink anything she gave me. She probably spit in it too. She hated me and didn’t hide it. Why I thought it was a good idea to take anything from her is my mistake. Now, please just tell me what her second phone had to do with how you found me, and why it’s a big deal?”
“Fuck, Red. You remember how she told you she had listened to you whine about your life for the past five years, and she knew everything you told Veronica Venus?”
“Yeah. She had to have hacked my phone or something.”
“No, baby, Beth is Veronica Venus.”
“What?”
How was that possible? Veronica Venus lived in South Dakota. I met her after my attack on a message board. That didn’t make any sense.
“Beth was pretending to be a survivor so she could get close to you and keep tabs in case you remembered anything. We were also able to isolate messages from Veronica Venus and pings on her cellphone that she had been following you a long time.”
“That’s not possible. How would she know what message board I belonged to, or my handle?”
“When did you start messaging with Veronica Venus?” he asked.
“I don’t know; after my attack, I joined the message board.”
“Right, but when did VV21 pop up on the message board? Had you gone back to work?”
Holy shit.
“She said I should’ve been more careful using company computers. When I went back to work sometimes on my lunch break, I would sit at my desk and log in to the message board.”
“Why would she do that?” I cried. “Oh God, Nick, I told her everything.”
I didn’t care that Beth knew I’d called her names behind her back. If I’d been strong enough at the time, I would’ve said them to her face. It was all the other stuff I told her. I’d spilled my guts to the woman who hurt me, all of my thoughts and feelings about never having children, not feeling worthy of love or a man, and how I felt less of a woman. Oh, my God. I poured my heart out thinking she was my best friend; she knew everything about me. Everything.
“I’m sorry, Red, come here.” Nick tried to pull me closer to him, but I recoiled. I didn’t want him touching me, or feeling sorry for me - poor stupid Meadow.
“Don’t. Please just leave me alone.”
“No, Red…”
“Leave Nick. I don’t need your fucking pity.”
“I don’t pity you.” Then he sighed. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you yet. You needed more time.”
“More time for what? More time for you to laugh at me about what an idiot I am?”
“Great. Just great. Did everyone on your team read the messages?”
“Meadow, listen to me, it wasn’t like that. No one was reading the messages to invade your privacy. We were simply trying to find clues as to where she would’ve taken you. Then she powered on the phone and Kristy was able to ping your location.”
“So, everyone knows how weak and pathetic I am. Whining and crying to my imaginary online friend about how lonely I was, how I’d never have a husband or baby, how I was falling in love with you. Oh, my God, they saw what I told Veronica Venus, ugh, Beth, about our first date.”
“No one sees you that way, and no one cares what you told that bitch. I promise you they were not reading the messages to gossip. All we wanted to do was find you.”
“Please just leave. I need some time to myself,” I begged.
“No way, Red. I’m not letting you sit in here by yourself.”
I needed him to go. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn’t bear to look at him. How could I have been so stupid to tell my most inner thoughts to a stranger? So, I did the cruelest thing I could think of – the unimaginable.
“I don’t want you here. This is all your fault. Now leave me alone.”
I regretted the words immediately. Nick recoiled and hung his head before he looked back at me with more pain and shame than I’d ever seen in a person’s eyes. I did that, and to further twist the knife in my heart, I did it on purpose, so he would leave me to wallow alone in my self-hatred. I lashed out trying to make him hate me so I could in turn hate myself more. I didn’t deserve Nick. I was broken and weak. He needed a woman who was his equal, not someone who had nothing to offer.
I was destined to be alone the rest of my life.
Chapter 29
Ugly regret
“How long have you been sitting there?” Nolan asked.
“Long enough for her to cry herself to sleep and my ass to go numb,” I told him.
“Come on, let’s take a walk.”
“I can’t leave. If she has a nightmare, I need to be here.”
“Levi will stand guard. You need a break.”
I relented only because I knew my uncle and he wouldn’t stop pestering me until I did as he asked. We walked out to the living room, and Levi went down the hall, taking my place standing guard outside the door. I’d helplessly listened as Meadow sobbed until she’d finally fallen asleep. I was completely lost and didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. She blamed me, too. Was I supposed to drive her home when she woke up and let her recuperate on her own? Make her stay and suffer having to look at the man who almost got her killed?
“What happened?” Jasper asked.
I told Nolan, Jasper, and Lenox about the conversation I had with Meadow and how she’d finally admitted that she blamed me.
“You know she didn’t mean what she said, she was trying to protect herself and push you away,” Lenox said.
“I don’t know why you think that, but you’re wrong. You didn’t see the hate in her eyes. She meant every word.”
“I know I’m right because I did the same thing to Lily when she first came back into my life. We’d spent about two weeks together. They were perfect; she was perfect. Then fear and self-doubt crept in, and I didn’t believe I deserved her. The team got a call-out, and I used it as an excuse to break Lily’s heart. I needed her to hate me, so I could walk away. I lied right to her face and told her I didn’t love her. When she called me out, I told her all she was to me was a good fuck. You cannot imagine the disgust I felt saying those words to the woman I adored. I understand why Meadow pushed you away. She doesn’t think she deserves love.”
I believed that Lenox thought he was right. And once again, more information about my uncle’s past was coming to light. I had no idea he and Aunt Lily had a rocky start. However, he was wrong about my situation with Meadow.
“I don’t know what to do now,” I admitted. “She blames me; I blame myself. What the hell do I do.”
“You wanna cut her loose?” Jasper asked.
“Fuck no. But I don’t think I have another option.”
“You always have another option. Pull your head out of your ass and fight for her. Both of you are hurting. Love is not earned, it is given. You need to remind her your love is unconditional and without exception. Do not let her dwell on the past. It will eat her up until there is nothing left but ugly regret.”
I was stunned into silence. I couldn’t believe that my big badass uncles were standing in my living room talking about love and giving me advice about my woman.
“That sounds all too familiar,” Nolan chuckled.
“What does?” I asked.
“You think you’re the first man to have woman trouble? This is not our first rodeo, son. We all struggled, we all fucked up, we all needed the help of our brothers to help us see the beauty standing in front of us. We know we’re right because we’ve lived this. All four of us have needed the help of the others to get our shit straight. So, for fuck sake, you’ve given your woman enough time to lick her wounds. Now you need to go back in there, wrap her up and no matter what she throws at you, remember – you love her without exception. And I promise you what is on the other side of this is a beauty you cannot fully comprehend. Ride the storm, Nick. You’ve got this – we’ve got this.”
Nolan patted my shoulder, giving me a renewed strength. I didn’t realize how desperately I had needed my uncles, my family, until that moment. Damn, I missed them. Without needing any further encouragement, I walked down the hall, thanked Levi, and opened my bedroom door. Meadow was lying on her side, eyes open, staring at the wall. When the hinge creaked, her eyes came to mine, but she quickly averted them. She looked so fucking small curled up into a ball; I’d screwed up - again. I never should’ve left her alone in her misery. It shouldn’t have mattered what she said to me; I should’ve stayed and held her.
That was a mistake I’d never make again.
I crawled into bed behind her and pulled her back to my front and wrapped my arms around her.
A long while later she broke the silence. “I shouldn’t have said it was your fault. I didn’t mean it. It was rotten and mean and… horrible. I was just so embarrassed; I didn’t want you to see me like that. It was wrong, and it will never happen again.”
I kissed the back of her head and remained quiet. I’d let her talk if she needed but I only wanted to hold her, let her know that I was strong enough to shoulder the burden.
“Do you want kids?” she whispered.
“Yes.” Then I quickly reminded her. “We’ll adopt. There’s a child out there that needs us. You will be a mom.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I know you did everything you could to find me and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you came when you did.”
“I was so scared,” I admitted. “The whole time she had you I was going out of my mind. The entire day, actually. Something didn’t feel right. Sally knew; she was pacing and on alert. When we pulled up to the alley and heard you screaming, she jumped over the center console, out the open driver’s side door and took off to protect you. I owe a dog a debt of gratitude I can never repay. She saved your life.”
“Do we get to keep her?”
“Bet your ass. She isn’t going anywhere.”
Chapter 30
A thousand deaths
“Are you ready?” I asked for the twentieth time.
“Hold your horses,” Nick yelled back from the kitchen.
It had been four days, and Sally was ready to come home. Nick’s uncles left yesterday. I was sad to see them go. After some of the shock wore off from Beth’s attempt to kill me, it was nice to get to know them. They were every bit as protective as Nick was. It was easy to see the four men had raised Nick to be the man he was; caring, brave, and considerate. I didn’t know if you could teac
h someone to be good-looking, but if you could, they did that, too. Holy smokes Nick’s uncles were gorgeous. It was no wonder Nick had a baseball team full of cousins. We’d made plans to go to Georgia when I was fully recovered so I could meet the rest of the tribe, as Nick called them. I couldn’t wait.
Nick and I had spent a lot of time together over the last few days lying in bed talking, telling each other about our childhoods. He’d mentioned his mom, Stephanie, a few times but never elaborated much. I was shocked when he told me that Stephanie was married to his uncle Nolan and had an affair with Nolan’s brother, Nicholas, while Nolan was on deployment. Nicholas was also in the Army and had deployed soon after the affair was discovered. Sadly, he died when his helicopter was hit by an RPG two months later. Nick had never seen a picture of his dad until he moved in with Nolan when his mom was arrested on vehicular manslaughter charges. She was sentenced to two life sentences and died in prison of liver failure. Nolan and Reagan adopted Nick when he was twelve. He said he could barely remember a time when he didn’t have them.
“Okay, ready.” Nick walked into the living room and my mouth watered. Damn, he was sexy. It didn’t matter what he was wearing – a suit for work, athletic gear to go to the gym, or jeans and a tee like he was wearing now; he looked mighty fine.
“I forgot to ask, how did your conversation with Alexandra go?”
“Good. She completely agreed that Sally shouldn’t be separated from you. She’s going to pair Gabe with a new dog.”
I felt horrible that Gabe was going to have to wait to be paired with a new dog, but I couldn’t imagine Sally not being with us.
“But he’ll still get one, right?”
“Yes. Alexandra said she already has the perfect dog in mind. A retired Belgian Malinois named Dottie. Her handler’s wife is having twins, and there are complications. He’ll only let Dottie go if Alex can pair her with one of her vets. So, it’s perfect. Malinois require a lot of attention, especially one that is a retired working dog. Dottie will keep Gabe active, and that is one of Alex’s goals.”
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