by T. N. Baker
C-God rolled up in front of my place just before midnight with his boy Mike, who hated me for whatever reason. From the look on his face, he wasn’t too happy about me hanging out with the fellas tonight. I could tell, ’cause the nigga even hesitated like he had some shit to think about before he gave up the front seat.
Let me tell you about this nigga Mike. He was one of them arrogant-ass niggas, mad at the world, but especially at women.
“Man, them chicks is all the same, only good for fucking, or getting fucked up for fucking up. I’ll beat a bitch ass in a minute. I don’t give a fuck. Them ho-bitches know not to fuck with me.” That’s the type of shit that came out of Mike’s mouth.
Unfortunately, he was C-God’s right-hand man, basically just another “do boy.” He was a hot-headed li’l twenty-year-old with a happy trigger finger. He would go all out for C, ’cause C-God had been looking out for Mike since he was a li’l nigga. Nevertheless, the feelings were mutual, because I couldn’t stand his ass either.
When we got to the club, the place was pretty small. It must have been an exclusive spot, because from the outside it didn’t even look like a club. The music was hot to death, and you had to be on balla status just to get in the spot. I mean, you could only sit at a table if you were popping bubbly at $350 a cork.
We sat in a cozy li’l corner and C ordered three bottles of the good stuff. Cristal is a li’l overrated to me, ’cause the shit’s nasty, but I’ll drink and order it if a nigga’s buying it.
After a couple of glasses, I got up to go to the ladies’ room. As I walked through the croweded little club, I felt someone grab my hand. It was Smitty, with a devilish smile. I snatched my hand away from him and proceeded to the bathroom. My heart started racing. I felt nothing but pure hatred toward that boy.
I took my time in the restroom, hoping he would go away. At the same time, I had to get it together and walk back out there before C-God started to wonder where I was.
“Yo, come here!” Smitty said as he grabbed me again when I walked back passed him. This time his grip was much stronger around my wrist.
“Get off of me!” I screamed, trying to yank away from him, but his grip just got tighter as he pulled me closer.
Smitty put his hand on my ass. “You stuck-up li’l bitch, why you acting like that? I just wanted to say what’s up to you. It ain’t like I ain’t already had the pussy. Stupid li’l bitch. Matter of fact, how’s the pussy doing since I beat it up?”
“Get the fuck off of me, you fucking rapist,” I screamed. I could tell I embarrassed him with that, ’cause his friends started to laugh.
Then one of them said, “Yo, son, you took the ass?”
“Nah, this bitch just think her shit is gold, and she mad ’cause a nigga ain’t pay for that puss. Shit, she bleeds once a month like any other ho.”
“Let me go,” I shouted once again.
The next thing I knew, Smitty was knocked the fuck out, while C-God and Mike commenced to stomp Timb prints all over that nigga. His boys just stood there and watched, until security came and broke it up. Since the club catered to the big money spenders, the bouncers bounced Smitty’s ass right up outta there, and we went back to our table to finish our drinks.
* * *
My mother’s party was packed. Everybody from the neighborhood came out to show love.
I watched Keisha and Tucker out on the dance floor. They always seemed so happy. Tucker reminded me of my father, because he treated Keisha just as good as my dad treated my mom. I remembered when I was a little girl, watching the two of them together in their own little world. It used to make me sick. She’d always had him sprung, and he’d always had her attention.
Mommy did look good as ever. She was rocking a leather skirt and top. No doubt about it, I got my body and looks from my momma. She had it going on with her light-skinned complexion, short honey-blonde-streaked haircut, beautiful almond-shaped eyes, and high cheekbones. Tiara Wright was her name, and Daddy had been hooked on her since she was in high school.
“Happy birthday, Ma,” I said.
“Thank you, baby. I’m so glad you’re here. Do you see what your father’s done? Girl, I swear I knew nothing about this party. He had me thinking we were going out to eat,” she said, smiling from ear to ear.
I didn’t have time to get her a gift. Besides, what do you get a woman that has everything? Dad owned six laundromats and brought his money home to her.
My father was still pretty upset with me, so neither one of us had much to say to each other. He made a few comments before sarcastically asking me where my boyfriend was. I didn’t bother to answer him, because I knew he wasn’t really concerned. It was just his way of saying that if he was a real man, he would’ve showed his face out of respect for not only my parents, but for me. Maybe my dad did know something I didn’t, but I loved C-God, and I knew he wouldn’t play me.
Chapter 18
KEISHA
“Baby, don’t go out and do something stupid. You know I need you, but most of all, your son needs you.” Those were the words that ended the argument between Tucker and me; before he stormed out of here wearing a bulletproof vest and carrying a gun. He was convinced that C-God was still fucking with Epiphany, but I knew Epiphany was through with that troublemaker.
I couldn’t argue with my man when it came down to his life and our safety, so I respected and supported any and all drastic measures he might have to go through to keep us safe.
I’d been calling E for days, but couldn’t seem to get in contact with her. I prayed she was okay. The sooner that loser C-God was out of the picture the better off we all would be.
Every day there was different drama going on in our life. I swear, at first I didn’t want to move out of New York because it was my home. But my wedding date was not that far away, and as soon as we were married, I’d be ready to kiss this city goodbye. The time had come. Here in the hood, the jealous ones would always envy; especially when they knew what you came from. They didn’t want to see you come up, and trust me, it wouldn’t be long before they started scheming to take what you got.
The money didn’t really matter to me; my family did. But in this fucked up society, you have to have both to be happy, and do what you have to do just to get by. Niggas didn’t want to bust their ass to get it. They wanted the easy way out. To them, that was either someone giving it to them or them taking it.
I knew Tucker wasn’t no angel. He chose street pharmaceuticals over a legit way of living—that fast money. One thing was for sure: He worked hard to get where he was without robbing or stealing from the competition. Shit, I spent many nights alone, worried sick about where my man was, while he was out grinding for this comfort zone he provided for us. Now, some sheisty-ass nigga that grew up around my way (who just happened to be fucking my best friend) wanted to take that away. Oh, hell no! It wasn’t happening.
Chapter 19
EPIPHANY
Today was a good day for shopping, since that seemed to be the only thing that kept me happy. A week had passed since me and my so-called man spent some real quality time together. I mean, I understood his hustle, but he had to lay his head down sometime. My question was, where?
Lately, all he seemed to do was pull these fucking disappearing acts. Now my dad’s comments about C at my mom’s party the week before had me wondering what was really good. Maybe C-God didn’t respect me.
Fuck it. I was too pretty for this shit, and if he didn’t realize what he had, then fuck him. It was time for me to do me.
No sooner than that “I’ma do me” thought had crossed my mind, my cell phone started to ring, and guess who it was? C-God, telling me how much he’d been missing me and that he freed up his schedule that night just for me. He let it be known that his working so hard was because of me. He wanted to give me the world. Now, who could argue with that?
Shit, those words were like sweet music to my ears. All those thoughts about “doing me” were out the window. Still, I deci
ded to go to the mall. Who knew? Maybe Vicki’s Secret had some new shit in—something sexy for that night.
On my way from the mall, I noticed Tanya walking toward her car, and her belly was big. I wasn’t sure whether or not I should speak; you know, with how everything went down with me and her over C, but what could it hurt? Either she spoke or she didn’t. Besides, I wanted to know who knocked her funny-looking ass up anyway!
“Hi, Tanya. How you doing? Wow, look at you,” I said, congratulating her on her pregnancy.
She thanked me with an intimidated smirk on her face. She probably read right through my phoniness—like I cared. I didn’t want to ask, but I assumed she was probably due any day ’cause homegirl was huge. Pregnancy didn’t agree with her looks at all. It made a bad situation worse.
She seemed very happy, so good for her. I was so curious to know who her baby daddy was, but again I decided not to pry. Shit, as long as the bitch moved on, why should I care?
“Okay, well, take care and good luck,” I said as I was leaving.
“Epiphany, if you’re really sincere, thanks for not having any hard feelings. I know you were really feeling C-God,” she said.
My heart dropped. I threw my bags down and charged at her, ready to catch a case for beating this pregnant ho’s ass. She had to be lying. How the fuck could he do this to me . . . and with her?
Tanya jumped in her car, locked the door, and screamed, fumbling with her keys as I tried to kick a hole in her door. Then it dawned on me: The motherfucker never told her about us, nor did he stop seeing her.
I calmed down and stopped to hear what she was yelling from inside the car, but she pulled off.
I was furious, and I knew she was gonna get to him before I did. Lord only knew I had to calm down, because I wanted to murder the bastard.
Still sitting in my parked car in front of the mall, I called Keisha, and the minute I started to tell her, tears flooded my eyes. For some reason, however, I wasn’t getting the support I was expecting from my so-called best friend. She was cold and distant.
“Listen, before you continue,” Keisha interrupted, “I need to know if you knew anything about your li’l boyfriend having serious beef with Tucker.”
“What? How could you ask me something like that? Of course I didn’t know, and that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I obviously didn’t know a lot about that motherfucker.” Not even caring about what went down with C and Tucker, I went on about what he did to me.
* * *
Days went by without me answering my phone. I just wanted to shut the world out, and all I could do was feel sorry for myself. Why me? When was my chance at happiness gonna come? Shit, I did everything he wanted me to. I never cheated. I gave him the pussy whenever he wanted it. I went out and got drunk with him, even put up with his baby momma drama, and now Tanya was gonna be number six.
All these thoughts ran through my head as I listened to “Why Does it Hurt so Bad?” by Whitney Houston on the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack, over and over again. I couldn’t understand why he’d want to give her a baby and not me. I was twenty times better looking than her. What did she have that I didn’t?
For instance, she stayed in her mom’s basement and I lived in an apartment. She leased a Honda Civic and I owned a BMW. She was more of a Filene’s Basement, T.J. Maxx, and Marshall’s type of shopper, while I was Bloomingdale’s, Saks, and Nordstrom. Now, that was a big fucking difference. The more I compared myself to Tanya, the more frustrated I became. It felt like I was putting a puzzle together but didn’t have all the pieces.
Chapter 20
SHANA
I finally moved into my first apartment. It was a small one-bedroom in a basement, but it was mine. I still had a few things at my mom’s that I needed to get.
While packing my stuff, I ran across several unopened letters from K.C. I didn’t even know he had written to me since he’d been locked up. The first letter said:
Sha,
By the time this letter reaches you I hope it finds you and your family in the best of health.
As for myself, I’m doing the best I can considering my circumstances. Listen, I know I’m facing a lot of time in here because the man has got me on some bogus conspiracy charges, but I am innocent and I’m gonna fight these bastards for my life. I have a lot of time to think in here, and I could not let another day go by without writing to tell you how much I love you, and I apologize for not treating you like the Nubian Queen that you are.
You stuck by me during all the bullshit, and I’ll always love you for that. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. A nigga needs you to drop me a line or come see me. I’ll be waiting.
Love always,
Kalub Cright
Something melted inside of me. My insides got all hot and shit, because deep down inside I had mad love for him. As hard as K.C. tried not to show it when he was out on the streets, I knew he loved me too. I had to see him and drop a few dollars on his books. By the time I got to the last letter, his words were slightly different:
Sha,
Yo, shorty, you really shitting on a muthafucka. I guess you ain’t really give a fuck about me ’cause now a nigga fucked up and I can’t even get a few words on some fucking paper from you. Yo, that shit hurts, word up. I took care of your bum-ass when your people ain’t do shit. I ain’t never asked you for nothin’. It’s all good though. A nigga see what’s really good. U take care. Breathe easy, baby girl.
ONE
I wasn’t even gonna trip ’cause these letters were dated back three and four months before. He was only speaking out of anger ’cause a nigga thought I shitted on him.
After making a call to the house where at least 75 percent of our black men reside, Riker’s Island, I was told that he had been transferred Upstate. It took me a week to find out his exact location and information, but I had to see him.
Chapter 21
EPIPHANY
Listening to him beg and plead on my answering machine several times a day didn’t help much. It only made me weaker and more eager to hear what he had to say, even though it wouldn’t matter now after all the bullshit that went down. I wanted to talk to him and needed to hear what he had to say, his side of the story. As much as I tried to fight the feeling of missing his no-good-ass, I couldn’t. It’s a difficult situation when your heart won’t feel what your mind needs it to.
It had been twenty-four hours since my phone stopped ringing, and the thought of C just giving up on me made my heart hurt. I checked my caller ID to make sure I didn’t sleep through any of his calls, even though I really hadn’t slept much. I just needed to make sure. I would rewind and replay every message over and over again, until I finally stopped fighting it and called him up.
The first ring had my heart pounding. Second ring, it pounded even harder. Third ring and then his voicemail, my heart dropped into the bottom of my stomach. I hung up the phone wishing I had never called him at all. Damn, I should’ve just picked up the phone. Maybe he was with Tanya, I thought, feeling partly to blame for him saying fuck it.
Ring!
Oh, shit. That was my phone. I jumped up and ran to the caller ID to see if it was him, ’cause that would determine if I would answer or not. It was him. My heart started pounding again.
I picked up, speaking in a tone that showed no pain. “Hello?”
“Epiphany?” he hesitated, unsure that it was me.
“Hey,” I said.
“Did you just call me?” he asked.
That’s some bullshit. He put the ball in my court to start off the conversation. I threw it right back in his.
“Well, I was out of town a couple of days, and I got your messages, so I was just returning your call.” Yeah, I lied about being out of town, but I wasn’t about to let this nigga know that I was in the house all week, fucked up and losing sleep over him. “So, what’s up, C-God? What you gotta say?” I said, giving him and myself the benefit of the doubt to at least hear what he had to say.
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“I need to talk to you face to face,” he said. Face to face was too easy. He was probably thinking if I saw him I’d get weak. That’s what that was all about, and I wasn’t going for it.
“Listen C, whatever you have to say can be said over the phone, ’cause I don’t wanna see you. Oh, and no more lies, please.” I threw that in to let him know that I was fed up with his bullshit.
After an hour of listening to what he had to say, I learned that he just found out Tanya was pregnant, and it happened before we grew close. He also said he wasn’t sure if it was even his. Although she said it was, he heard she was fucking with someone else. C also said he was gonna tell me once he knew whether or not he was the kid’s daddy. He said I needed to know she meant nothing to him.
I was somewhat convinced, but I didn’t want to make getting back with me too easy, so I brought up his beef with Tucker.
“Yo, that was just a small beef over some nonsense. That shit has been squashed. So when can I see you?”
“Whenever you want to,” I replied eagerly, as excitement started to take away the pain.
Chapter 22
SHANA
K.C. and I kicked it, and everything was all good. Seeing him made me realize how much I really loved that nigga, and he needed me to be in his corner. Since he’d been locked up, his peoples had been shitting on him, so he’d been on some fuck-the-world type shit. He said I was his first visit since he was shipped Upstate, and seeing me made a nigga feel like he had something to fight for.
He was waiting on an appeal, ’cause there was some foul play on the state’s part, which meant he might be coming home. But his lawyer needed ten G’s to proceed with the appeal. Three visits later, collect calls, some sneakers, underclothes, lawyer’s fees, and about six hundred dollars in commissary, he asked me to marry him.