Anyway, back to the saga of the Op. It’s Friday night now, and Mr Templar came round and looked at the wound and he was really pleased, and he said if the facial people in the hospital gave me the all clear to getting the tooth done the same day, then he would let me know on Monday when the op might be. See, I have faith in my surgeon, and I’m so glad I left hundreds of messages for him in the end and didn’t listen to Dr Didn’t.
Anyway, I’ve had my little crazy spell today and now I must speak to mum and the kids tonight, and I also need to get hold of Simon over the weekend.
Ok, I’m gonna read Petes txt, and I don’t know what to expect, but from his tone before, I’m just a little bit concerned that he thinks I am back in his clutches… help!
First txt—I’m not going soft, it’s just the old me talking—thats all sweetcakes ha ha, Goofy xx` . . . yeah Pete, ha bloody ha!
Second txt—just read your msg, and my feelings for you haven’t changed, just got myself in predicament at mo. I wl always b here for u Juilliana luv P… xx
He sent both messages 3 times and I’m not convinced that was by accident, in fact I’m pretty sure it was deliberate. Oh Lord, what have I done… I know I keep saying this, but my can is getting larger and my worms are getting fatter and uglier…
Just phoned Barry and both the kiddies are out, and ended up having quite a good conversation with him. I was on the mobile, so it was my turn to say that I had to go, but before I went he wanted to know what I wanted for xmas because he was going shopping tomorrow, so off the top of my head I came out with hats, tops, anything he knows what I would like because he knows me… yikes, what a dumb thing to say after us having been separated for such a long time. Oh dear, my flippin pen is running out, so not only is my writing bloody awful, it is now imprinting through to the next page. I will be back in a mo when I find a pen that works, or I will nick one off the nurses… . So, back to the drawing board. where were we… Barry and the present, oh yes, he should get Casey to buy my present, because she has excellent taste, just like her mother!!
Anyway, Stephen and Ian on tonight and they are gadding about. I have been turned and I’m all ready for bed and doing teeth and it’s only 9.50! Bloody hell, I’m gonna make up for all these early nights when I’m out of hospital, albeit in a wheelchair, and have a blast.
Pete had sent me some more txts and he didn’t sound very happy again. I think the man is starting to worry slightly that he may have told me a bit too much about his shenanigans, perhaps thinking I might be impressed, and I don’t think he has got the response he was hoping for… never mind, I’m not going to say Poor Pete, because it would be a lie, and maybe I do have a little vindictive streak in me!!! Look Out Pete!
In the end, I stayed up till about 3 o’clock and watched some soppy programme about big killer slugs, with Kevin Bacon in it, and it’s called Tremors… . it’s actually quite good, well, I love Kevin Bacon anyway. Oh, god, Sam has been choking and splutting so much tonight, the staff have to keep checking him at intervals to make sure he is ok. Poor guy, I hope he gets some peace in his world and he isn’t suffering… my god, bless everyone I know and love, all the people who help look after me and change me when I’m soiled and to everyone that is putting in a special effort to help with christmas. Goodnight, and I hope it is just that for Sam… . and EVERYONE!
Saturday 13th December
After having a great shower and getting up a bit later, I found out that they actually provide bacon or sausage sandwiches or rolls at the weekend—took me all this time to realise that!! Yeeha! Decided to pig out on a bacon roll… great for my diet I hear you say… yeah, me to? Well, I might be getting fatter, but at least my hair seems to be surviving the test of time. According to some people; hair curly—good; hair straight—lovely; hair pleats—cute; Oh, well, I could be an ugly old cow!! Anyway, Sam seemed to be back to his unconscious state of counting numbers today… it’s a bloody shame… Duncan gets quite tetchy at `Sam` at times, but there is no point, because he can’t help it, and I can sort of understand what Sam might be going through, because when I was in my hallucinogenic state I had no idea that I was in a ward with patients and nurses listening, as far as I was aware, I was in this horrific scary world on my own, apart from my perpetrators! I reminded Duncan that he hated me when I was in my ‘nightmare state’ because he didn’t understand the pain and torment I was going through, and he just thought at the use time that I was doing it for attention. He stopped moaning after that. I’ve just remembered… I did get a bacon buttie once before… just thought I would add that.
Anyway, today I’m not going to go on prone trolley because my tummy is sore and I feel huge! Got chrissy card out, and decided I really should start writing them, but before that I spoke to Marie and she is ok, and mum is coming back down from the Fort with `crusty`, one of the trusty, CRUSTY-TRUSTY (get it!), taxi drivers so I know she will be safe and thank God, she is not coming down on her own on the bus, because then I really worry! Presumably mum will bring pressies down with her and we can wrap them together—that should be fun! Spoke to my darling Simon and he said he will definitely be coming into see me on Monday or Tuesday. We shall wait and see if that materializes Mr Mackenzie—your track record is not that good. Actually, thinking of it… I don’t have a pressie for him. Oh, I suppose I can find out where he is gonna be and send him one there, love em’. Pete seemed a bit happier today; he phoned and said he was going to London in case I couldn’t contact him if his phone was switched off. Mmh, ok Pete, but I shouldn’t think I will worry too much if it is switched on or not!
Why, oh why, do I think about these 3 guys, Pete, who is a scheming nasty aggressive moron; Barry, (who hates Pete, and would go mad if he knew we were in contact), and who is already with someone else and has a baby; and then Simon, who is the ‘nomad’ of the catering industry and one of the most unreliable people I know? But he’s also one of the nicest guys I have ever known.
I would just love to know how I have them all as friends! They are such a mixed bag—though, saying that Barry and Simon are still mates.
I shouldn’t even be contemplating staying in touch with Pete, and if he does come in, I am making a conscious decision that I am not going to maintain contact and erase him from my phone. I have more reason to lose touch now, because this morning he txtd me to say, he could imagine himself pushing me around in the wheelchair and that it wasn’t the wheelchair that people would be seeing, it would be the beautiful and intelligent lady in it, and ‘screw’ anyone that didn’t think so. I am definately going to have to sever ties.
Sam has taken a funny turn and Pauline and Duncan (male nurse—not annoying Dunc), are with him. It really isn’t very nice to have to witness someone who is obviously somewhere that is causing them so much distress. It’s very hard having to witness some things in this unit, and to be honest even though I can’t walk, I still wonder why I am still in this `RCU` (Respiratory Care Unit), which is the room nearest to the nurses station, and can only think that it is maybe because my own proper rehab hasn’t started yet, or, that they are still terrified of me taking another funny turn, or, maybe I breathe some life into what would otherwise be a pretty ‘lifeless’ ward, apart from its little ‘dramas’ now and again. I really don’t think it’s the latter. There are 2 empty beds opposite me, which today, I understand are being kept for ‘emergencies only’, probably if Admissions, has no beds. So, it is only, me and Duncan (who seems to be conscious, most of the time anyway), and Sam and Jim who are on support machines in here! Pretty Depressing, eh?
Casey was on the phone earlier, and she isn’t very happy at the moment, she was saying to me that she was seeing double, was dizzy, couldn’t breathe properly and was scared… my God! after telling her to sit and take deep breaths and to keep talking to me, she calmed herself down, and then started talking to me again; she sounded genuinely upset about having to stay in because she had told her dad the
truth about where she was ‘going’. Which was out to see a ‘new boyfriend’ that she was really keen on… . Oh dear, her honesty had just cost her, her ‘date’! No wonder she feels like she can’t talk to her dad, when she gets ‘grounded’ for telling the truth. Jesus. She doesn’t want to have to lie to her dad, and I can understand that. Casey’s a good kid, and honest, and if Barry keeps this up he is going to push her away. She also told me that him and Shonah must have been going through her things, because she heard Shonah telling Barry that the pills they had found in her room were a form of the ‘pill’. What her idiot dad should have known was that they were the pills that she had been given for such severe period pains, and to help her monthly! Bugger shouldn’t have been invading her privacy, he had no bloody right go through her things… that’s really pissed me off. You know, for a liberated guy, Barry acted like a father caught in a time warp, Prick! As usual he bulldozed his way into Casey when he knew she had been complaining to me about how she felt, and proceeded to say that she was over-reacting and not to be so stupid… I swear if Barry had been standing next to me I would have punched him! This is my daughter, a teenager, who is mad at her dad and his girlfriend now, who, if had kept to her story that she was ‘going out for a meal’ could have been out by now, and instead of Barry trying to repay her trust by perhaps, setting a time for her to come home, which would have suited them both… there is now a huge amount of animosity between them, and Casey is getting herself into a terrible state.
I will wait until I see them, and then we can all talk about it together when she KNOWS her mum will be siding with her… (That’s bad, she shouldn’t have to have us siding at all, if it hadn’t been for her stupid, arrogant dad! I txtd them both, saying that they were to put it behind them tonight and just to get to bed… cause that’s where I was, in fact, I am most of the time come to think of it!! Goodnight all my loved ones, and unloved, Barry, Barry who? God, what happened to that Personality Transplant?
Sunday 14th December
What a morning—I must admit it’s nice to wake up with something to look forward to. It was a lovely relaxed day and I knew I had enough time to get ready for when mum arrived. Just before she arrived, Lynn, one of the nurses that I get on especially well with, like Pauline, was on duty, and she wheeled the outgoing phone into the ward for me and told me that Casey was going to be phoning. Whilst she was doing that mum arrived, and she was ‘weighed down’, with all the presents and things she had brought down, and then Crusty appeared with even more stuff… good lord, had Santa’s grotto in the Braehead shopping centre been robbed? Once mum said cheerio to Crusty, and they sorted out a time for mum to be picked up, Lynn stayed and had a chat with mum.
Casey phoned and she was still really upset from last night. Mum could tell from the tone of my voice, that there was something not quite right going on, and when she asked, I told her that Casey was having, ‘father and boyfriend’ troubles… mum was great. I told Casey that I was putting her granny on, and to listen to the ‘words of wisdom and experience’. It was lovely to watch… my mum, her granny, advising my daughter, her grand-daughter, on the way to deal with her father and the ‘could-have-been’ boyfriend. They talked for ages, and one piece of advice to her was that there were ‘plenty more fish in the sea’ and that she was so young and gorgeous, she shouldn’t be worrying, and that her dad is being… well, a dad… and without her knowing it, that in her dad’s eyes she is always gonna be his ‘little girl’, and most dads find it difficult to imagine their ‘little girls’ with boys, let alone, boyfriends. Wise words mother… thank you… Casey told me that granny had brought a smile to her face and she had cheered her up… she couldn’t get over the fact that her granny was giving her advice on men! She did get a bit teary, but in the end she was persuaded by granny to write in a letter to her dad, just how she was feeling, and she agreed she would… Good eh! I love it, and I love them both! I also know that Casey loves it when she knows that I have got visitors, especially granny!
Well, mum had brought loads of things, and one of them was a singing Santa, a little xmas tree, Santa hat and hair band antlers for the staff to wear, as well as getting nearly ALL the presents I wanted and even the diet ‘kick’ drink that I like, Yes! Mum and I had a great afternoon and mum excelled herself. We went through the presents and wrapped the ones we needed to, and spent ages getting addresses from just about everyone in the family… I’m useless, I had no-ones address!
Crusty arrived about half 4, because he wanted to get back before it got too dark. It was horrible having to say goodbye. I love mum so much, and I am going to miss her like crazy, especially over xmas, plus she is upset about me being on my own, but I assured her I had everything I needed and more, and if there was any way I could transport the bed and specialised staff from the hospital to the Fort I would. Mum left with Rusty and we said our goodbyes and I ask Rusty to be careful driving because he had a very precious and special passenger on board!
Casey phoned back for a ‘short call’ to say that she had written a letter to her dad, and that she agreed with granny that it was a good way of expressing herself… she read the letter to me, and it was very appropriate and beautifully written, she has a knack. We said, our goodbyes and love and hugs. I had 13p left on my phone so I txtd Marie to let her know that I had had a great visit with mum and to thank her again for the shopping she had helped buy as well. Oh, by the way, I got my first present from Duncan’s wife, and I knew straight away that it was alcohol, because she snuck it into Duncan’s top drawer and said it would be something to warm me up at Christmas… . and it definitely wasn’t a hot water bottle! Oh, dear… I’ve got to say, my eyes lit up at that revelation and I felt ‘bad’ about that! You’ve gotta believe me, I did?? not!
Oh, another thing about today, the Americans have found Saddam Hussein somewhere in Baghdad, and the guy looked more like some old tramp than a world leader, poor bastard!
Well, I haven’t spoken to anyone tonight (phone wise), and I am actually comfortable. No pain in my tooth or back at moment, and I had a really good day with mum, and I know Casey is ok! I’m just gonna take `time out` and watch a film… I’m just thinking what a nice change. When was the last time I wrote in my book that, I have even been ‘close’ to being comfortable? Have I ever written it? I hope I feel like this when the kids come up.
Just an update on this really active ward… well, Duncan… the old codger has spend all afternoon and tonight sleeping—he woke up for a cup of tea and his tea tonight and is sleeping again.
Jim is in his corner, with his brace round his neck which gets all discoloured because of his dribbling and it’s gross, and he’s been facing his telly all day and had all his liquidised meals through his drip. Actually, I wonder if that would work for me. Instead of having to have ‘One Shake a Day’, I could have e.g. Liquidised Lasagne through a drip. Maybe, I will suggest it? He’s also has been gargling away today, and he was moving slightly when one of the nurses had to tidy him up, it was very weird, because, these friggin curtains… you can hear everything through them! That makes me think about the docs… they almost break a leg trying to close the curtains for some privacy, and then they go and talk at the top of their bloody voices!!
Spoke to Sam’s wife and daughter tonight. They are lovely people. They said Sam’s accident had been in July and it was some kind of industrial accident, and that he has been in his present state for months. He is also very intelligent. I said I could believe that, because his mind seems preoccupied with counting and his brain is being kept active. Oh fuck, what do I know! Out of politeness probably, they agreed. He has two grown up sons, who always look deflated, and when I did speak to one of them, he said that it is just sheer frustration and the feeling of helplessness that gets to them most, and of course, they worry for their mother. They seem a very close family, and as my mum would say, `I will remember him in my prayers`. Talking of which, I DO say my prayers, and that’s
the truth… there is a ‘solace’ that can be achieved by praying, so to make it easy tonight I am praying for EVERYONE! to have a good night and wake up… yeah, ‘wake up’ is good?
CHRISTMAS DAY
Friday 25th December
So, here I am on Cristmas Day and for the first time that I can EVER remember I am spending it on my OWN, but with more people than I ever have! . . . More people than ever, because I’m in hospital, BUT, more alone than ever. Still, after you read this part of my book, you may understand why I am thankful to be alive, yet again…
Oh yeah, since my last piece of writing, which was, Sunday 14th December, I have been through an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, again, because as I recall, this also happened once before, after my accident.
On that Sunday, 14th December, when mum and I had such a lovely time, when we wrapped presents, wrote cards, mum had bought presents for the staff, spoken to Casey and then went off home, safely with Crusty, a trusted taximan.( who sounds more like a trusty steed!), I actually was feeling the most positive I ever had since being in hospital. I wasn’t as sore as usual, felt relaxed and I was looking forward to the next day and christmas. Then, it was obviously the proverbial ‘lull’ before the ‘storm’ and I had been sucked into a real ‘false’ sense of security…
Sunday 14th December, after a wonderful day with my mum, about 3.30 am I woke up with severe tummy pains, aching collar bone and arms. I can remember feeling awful and waking up thinking I was having a nightmare, but it was one of those nightmares, where you believe you’re awake and consciously try to get back to sleep; what I didn’t realise was that I wasn’t dreaming, it was for real. The nurse helped me, by getting a sick bowl and giving me some paracetamol, then helped me get comfortable and I managed to fall back to sleep. I thought nothing more of it until in the afternoon, when I started to feel very sore, weak, and dizzy and had to ask one of the nurses for help. Well, the next thing, I was trying to tell the nurse that I was ok and not to fuss. Then the last think I can remember was seeing a mist, then, all these doctors coming through the curtains one after the other, then tubes, scanners, needles, legs and arms everywhere, and virtually everything on my body being pulled and proded—what I, obviously, didn’t realise was that I was seriously ill!
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