He fiddled with the paper napkin, pulling off long strips and twisting it into balls with his fingers. ‘Maybe I don’t want to remember?’ he said as he met my eyes and we smiled together. There was so much behind those eyes. I should have felt afraid. I should have been running away and hiding from another man who seemed to have so many stories to tell. The difference was wide open, though. Ben wanted to talk and wasn’t hiding himself away. He wanted to pull me closer and tell me everything that made him who he was. Nothing was out of bounds. Everything was open and willing to be explored.
‘Was it that bad?’ I asked, taking his hand in mine.
He nodded slowly. ‘I do have a picture of me and my dad camping. I was about three, I think. My mum also has a photo of me and my brother fishing from around the same time, but that’s about it.’
‘That breaks my heart,’ I admitted. Memories lost and destroyed through no fault of his own.
‘Elle, if that breaks your heart, you’re going to need a stack of tissues when I tell you my life story.’
‘Come on, it’ll be fun. We get to be kids again!’ Ben was trying to convince me to play crazy golf. I was fighting with my dress to keep a shred of dignity as it billowed in the seaside wind. My toes were so cold they no longer felt attached to my body. After promising to buy me fish and chips on the sea prom, I agreed to play.
‘It’s all about technique. Watch and learn.’ Ben looked comical, armed and ready like a pro golfer as he aimed into a bright pink elephant’s trunk. ‘Yes!’ he shouted as he hit the target. ‘Your turn.’ He stood with his arms crossed and his head cocked to the side. He was so damn adorable I wanted to cry. I couldn’t explain that reaction, but I wasn’t going to waste my time analysing it because I needed the energy to concentrate on keeping my emotions in check in front of the man who was sending my body into some sort of weird tailspin.
In order to stop the stray thoughts wandering around lost and looking for validation, I focused my attention on teasing him. I slowly leant down to pick up the ball, accidentally on purpose giving him a great view of my arse wrapped in turquoise lace boy shorts. I didn’t fail to miss his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard.
‘Do I hold it like this?’ I shrugged playfully.
He laughed and shook his head as he walked towards me. ‘No. Like this.’ He stood behind me and pushed his hips into me. His arms moved around my waist slowly until he placed his hands on top of mine so we were both gripping the golf club. We swung it together, then he rested his chin on my shoulder, his breath whispering across my skin as he smiled. ‘Shall we just stay here for the rest of the day?’ he said as he kissed my neck. ‘I get easy access to all the places I’ve been imagining in my head.’ We laughed as a group of teenagers bounced up to the next hole, whistling between their fingers and shouting get a room!
‘I think I’m falling in love with you,’ he said, exhaling softly into my ear.
I pulled back from him so quickly. ‘What did you say?’
He took two steps back. ‘Are you asking me because you want me to say it again, or because you can’t quite believe that after only a couple of months I’ve told you that I might be falling in love with you?’ His face twisted in panic as he waited for my cue to either laugh it off, watch me run away screaming, or catch me as I jumped into his open arms.
Honestly? I wasn’t sure which of those options I was going to go for.
‘Just forget I said it.’ He started kicking the stones on the ground to avoid my eye contact.
‘How do you know?’ I asked. My voice strained as I suddenly lost all the air from my lungs. ‘How are you so sure?’
Ben met my eyes and smiled. ‘I don’t know. I just feel. Whenever I’m with you, it feels right and easy, like this is where I’m supposed to be.’
He held my gaze.
Fuck! The air had definitely left my body, resulting in me bending over as panic riddled through my body.
‘Elle?’ he dropped to his knees and held my hair back with his hands. ‘Just breathe. Forget I said anything. Shit! What can I do to help?’
I pushed him away with my hands. ‘Just give me some space.’
He stepped further away from me, a look of sheer horror on his face. I clumsily took in shallow breaths and stood up straight to give the oxygen easier access into my lungs. Part of me was pleading with myself to stop messing this up, but I felt smothered and vulnerable. Smothered by this gorgeous man’s touch and words of love. Vulnerable because I daren’t allow myself to believe this man could be falling in love with me.
‘Sorry. It’s just all a bit too much,’ I said as I straightened my legs and smiled weakly as I tried not to take in his hurt eyes.
‘I can’t deny how I feel about you. It just felt right to say it.’
‘I know, and I love that about you. You’re so honest, but that’s new to me. I’m not used to grand gestures. It’s all I’ve ever wanted but—’
‘He didn’t give them to you,’ he interrupted. No questions, no doubts. Just a simple statement telling me he knew but could never understand.
I shook my head in confirmation. ‘Come on. Let’s finish the game.’
The rest of the afternoon settled into a pattern of long silences, strained conversations, and awkward attempts by Ben to try and bring me back to him.
We rode home in silence. He occasionally glanced over to me and gave me a tight smile. His attempts to make small talk were making me feel irritable and weary. I wanted to hold his hand and reassure him, explain that my coping mechanism centred on going quiet and zoning out, but I couldn’t face starting a conversation that was doomed not to go well.
We made it home without discussing my meltdown in front of the pink elephant on the crazy golf course. Pulling up to my house, Ben stared forward and tapped his hands on the steering wheel. ‘You OK?’
‘I need some space.’ The words fell out of my mouth before I could give any necessary thought to them.
‘I realise that. You’ve been distant all afternoon. I wasn’t sure what to do for the best.’
We didn’t give each other eye contact. It was easier for both of us that way.
‘I’m sorry. I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I really like you, but I’ve rushed into this. I need to get my head straight after—’
‘Luke.’ His name left Ben’s mouth like a curse.
I cringed as I heard the stupidity of the words in my head. ‘I’m just not ready to jump into anything.’
‘I hate to point it out to you, but I think you’ve already jumped. You’ve just got a parachute attached to your back instead of freefalling to your death.’
‘It just feels the other way round sometimes,’ I said shakily.
‘Shit, that doesn’t bode well for me!’ His eyebrows rose up as he laughed and, casting a heartbreaking look of defeat across his handsome features.
‘Just give me time,’ I said as I dropped my head to his shoulder.
He sighed heavily and stroked his hand through my hair. ‘I’ll be here whenever you’re ready. I told you, I’m not going to hurt you.’
I squeezed his hand, reassuring him that I knew but couldn’t promise when I would come back to him.
I retreated to my bedroom and rested my elbows on the cold, glossy windowsill. The neighbourhood I had lived in all of my life was stretched before me. I wondered if I would still be leaning my forehead against the glass and hating myself if I had met Ben first. Would I still hate myself if Luke had remained a colleague and friend instead of an ex-lover and a thorn in my side?
The light of my iPhone illuminated the dark room as I pressed play to listen to the first bars of music and sighed into the darkness. Music and lyrics was my thing. I could recognise a song just from hearing the first few beats. It was a game I’d often played until I’d beaten everyone hands down, which resulted in Abi refusing to ever play it with me again.
‘Falling into You’, the song Ben had mentioned earlier, swept through the silence. I was listening to
it with a fresh pair of ears. Suddenly it took on a new meaning that was clear and strong. It described the purity of love when the walls started to break down and you were breathing each other in. Falling into each other. Was Ben, the sweet, funny, charming, quirky example of extreme hotness, falling for me?
My hand slowly moved to my mouth as I realised that he had told me he had fallen for me on the crazy golf course, but rather than embracing the tumbling declaration of love, I had used both of my hands to forcefully push him away.
Chapter Thirty-Six
‘Elle Davis, you are a walking, talking shit bag of crap.’
‘Hello to you too,’ I said, drawing my mouth together.
‘Are we seriously going to have this conversation?’ Abi flung her bag in protest, knocking over a glass of wine.
‘Abi, let her talk,’ warned Gem as she handed out plates before getting down on her hands and knees to mop up the mess. I had sent a group message telling Abi, Gem and Kate that I had asked Ben to give me some space after declaring his love for me, so Gem ordered an emergency takeaway night at her place.
Takeaway, wine, and straight talk were just what I needed.
‘No, I won’t let her talk.’ I hated it when they spoke about me like I wasn’t even there. ‘I spent six months counselling her through the fuck up that was her relationship with wankstain.’
‘I am here, you know.’
‘I don’t care. I will say it to your stupid face!’
‘Abi!’ Gem warned.
‘Tell me, why did you stay single for twenty-three years?’ Abi’s tone demanded an answer, but I stayed silent, which was like holding a red rag to a bull. She banged both palms on the table making us all jump. ‘You wanted perfection, the dream, the cheesy Disney fairy tale. Did Luke give you that?’ she asked as her neck turned red and blotchy.
‘No,’ I replied.
‘No, he didn’t. He gave you heartbreak. He gave you constant self-doubt and he made you miserable. In walks Ben. Perfect, handsome, romantic, pussy-tickling Ben. Everything you’ve ever wanted. But, oh no! Now that’s not good enough. You need professional help. You need a fucking psychiatrist. I can’t help you. I’m done.’ She flung her arms up in defeat.
Kate and Gem gave me sympathetic smiles, but I knew that although they may not have agreed with how Abi had put her feelings across, they did agree with the bare bones of what she’d said. Deep down, so did I.
‘He told me he was falling in love with me. Who does that after a couple of months?’ I asked, attempting to bring them back onto my side.
‘Plenty of people! You’re looking at one! Listen, when someone like Ben tells you they’re falling in love with you, just say thanks, kiss him, and then fuck his beautiful brains out.’ Abi’s patience was certainly running low.
Gem sighed. ‘Hold on. This has all happened very quickly. Elle, you just need to stop analysing everything. Take it moment by moment. Go slow and just enjoy it without expectations.’
‘I’m scared. There. I’ve said it.’
‘What are you scared of?’ Gem sat on the floor in front of me. She had her legs crossed and was holding a prawn cracker in her hand.
‘I’m scared of falling. I’m scared of giving myself to him. I’m scared he’ll build me up with his words and knock me down with them when he gets bored and finds someone else. I can’t do it again,’ I said, immediately plunging my face into my hands.
‘I know it’s been hard. You’ve had a bad experience. Well, only one experience. But does that mean you don’t try again? Remember what led you here in the first place. You want love. You also want a family, but don’t set that as your immediate goal. That’s way too much pressure.’ Abi had switched her tone. It was still harsh, but it a little softer, and I was grateful for the change.
‘Here, inhale and drink.’ Kate handed me a square of chocolate and a shot of whiskey.
Abi smiled and sat down beside me. ‘If you don’t want him, throw him my way. I could do with some romance in my life.’ We all turned open-mouthed in her direction. Self-certified queen of the one-night stand was admitting that she would like more than just a quick shag.
‘Abi, is that really you?’ I joked.
‘You’re not the only one with dreams of perfection, you know.’
Vulnerable Abi could only be found under the many layers of attitude and sass.
‘Who needs men anyway? I’ve decided to become celibate.’
My best friend, ladies and gentlemen.
A taxi took what was left of me back to my door. I was feeling slightly tipsy. No. I was drunk. I felt my way along my car but stopped when I saw a piece paper flapping around on the windscreen. It was addressed to me, and the beautiful, swirling handwriting told me it was from Ben. It anchored me. Underneath the wiper blade lay what was left of my connection, my association, and my attachment to Ben. It represented my only tie to the one person I didn’t want to lose but was too frightened to grasp on to with both hands. There were conflicted emotions. I felt fleeting annoyance that he had gone against his word and reached out to me so quickly, but pure joy that he had disregarded those ridiculous words because he knew that, ultimately, what had escaped my lips were lies, aspersions, and slurs.
I wanted this letter with every breath in my body. I wanted this connection. I wanted to hold the piece of paper knowing he had held it in his hand.
Tearing open the envelope, I shivered as I leant against the car. Anticipation of what the letter contained soared through me, sobering me up with the realisation that his words could either hold me together or break me apart.
Dear Elle,
I was thinking about how we met. Just imagine all those people searching for love, and we found each other in the fog. Isn’t that amazing? Two small fish in the big crazy pond that is online dating.
You took a chance on me the night you read my first email. I know you’ve been hurt, and that’s left an undeniable mark, but just remember I’m not him.
I wish you would trust me. I wish you would stop comparing. I wish you would trust your instinct, the same instinct that helped you take a chance in the first place.
I’ll wait for you, but I’m scared you won’t come back.
I’m scared that you still belong to him.
That scares me most because I’m obsessed with you, Elle. I wake up and think of you. I grab a sandwich at dinner and think of what you would choose if you were with me. I see your car and hope it’s your beautiful face driving, then feel cheated when it isn’t. I wish that I could stop thinking about you, but it’s a compulsion, a pastime, a hobby, and a fucking habit that I just can’t kick.
Come back to me.
Always Yours
Ben
Later that night, after a soak in the bath and a good cleansing cry, I held my phone at arm’s length and took a photo of myself lying in bed with my hand resting against my mouth. I sent it to him without a caption or message. He replied with a photo of himself lying in bed with his arm resting at the back of his head. He looked handsome and perfect, but sadness cut through his sleepy eyes. A text message followed soon after.
Ben: You are beautiful. Sleep well…
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Me: You seem too good to be true…
Ben: What do you mean?
Me: I’m waiting for the fall. There must be something you’re not telling me. Maybe you’re hiding a foot fetish and you’re biding your time before you ask to sniff my shoes. Or maybe you’ve accepted a job in Thailand and you’re about to leave the UK, never to be seen again, taking my poor confused heart with you in your suitcase.
Ben: No foot fetish. No job in Thailand. No suitcase big enough for your heart.
Me: See? Too good to be true
Ben: Are you telling me you’ve put us on hold because I’m too perfect?
Me: I’m weird, aren’t I?
Ben: A bit
I’d asked for space, but Ben’s letter was like a signal to keep the flow of communication betwe
en us. Our text messages continued. It was a connection. An attachment. One I was too selfish to drop.
I did the typical Elle thing to do when things got complicated and more than a little messy. I threw myself into work.
‘We’ve had a call from Mrs Bramall. She’s asked specifically for you and refused to talk to anyone else. When Kate explained you were on a visit, she said she needed your help and asked if you would visit this afternoon. She said Mr Bramall wouldn’t be there, so I think you’re safe to go. How do you feel?’ Colin sat on the corner of my desk. It creaked under his weight. I breathed a sigh of relief when he stood and got himself a chair.
‘Yes, that’s fine. I’ll go.’
Colin nodded. ‘Relax. You’re doing well. If you really need someone to go out with you, I can make a few calls.’
‘No, don’t worry. I’ll head out now.’ Grabbing my bag and coat from the back of my chair, I checked my phone and noticed a message from Ben.
Ben: I can’t stop thinking about you…
I pressed my phone firmly to my chest. The loving strum of my fingers against it reminded me of the choice I had already made but was still too frightened to fully admit. In the flurry of activity and determination to get the home visit out of the way, I decided not to reply until I had the perfect amount of silence to create the right headspace for my response.
The Bramalls lived on a notorious street in an even more notorious estate just out of the city. I had several other families on my caseload that all lived there. Pulling my car up would usually create a stir. There would often be a number of people standing on their doorstep either pleading with me to see them after my scheduled visit or telling me to go fuck myself.
Mrs Bramall was sitting on the doorstep smoking a rolled up cigarette. Her hands were shaking and she had a cut to her neck. A fresh cut.
As I got closer, I could see she had been crying.
‘He’s not here,’ she said, blowing out smoke but not giving eye contact. ‘I can see the fear written all over your face. Don’t worry. He’s gone.’ She was flat and nonchalant. It was worrying. She had obviously been subjected to another attack, but she spoke like it was as normal as running a bath or putting on the kettle.
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