by E M Lindsey
Cole snorted a laugh, clearly not expecting the question, and he seemed relieved it wasn’t something deeper. “I order my things online, actually. I’ve not quite mastered shopping on my own, and not sure that I ever will. There are apps to help identify product, but even with Kevin, I’d be lost in minutes.”
Ryan pursed his lips as he added a few packages of the sausage, then led the way to the produce. “Is that how it always is for blind people?”
Cole’s eyebrows went up. “I wouldn’t say so, but it’s fairly recent for me. I think I have a while to go before I’m sure I wouldn’t kill myself on the first street corner.”
Ryan noticed he didn’t sound bitter at all, but there was a tension in his words, and he figured it was best to drop it. He wanted to make this a nice night, after all. He didn’t know much about Cole, hadn’t even really made it clear he was into the guy for more than just a night of friendship. Hell, he didn’t even know if Cole liked men, though Ryan had always sort of gone in head first, consequences be damned. But he liked the guy and he decided there was no harm in hoping for a little more.
“I need to get some fresh basil, oregano, garlic, and some onions,” he said, ticking off the list out loud.
“Point me in the direction of the garlic and onions, and I’ll leave you to the spices,” Cole said.
Ryan decided hesitating wouldn’t do Cole any favors, so instead he took his hand and placed it on the edge of the onion bin. “I need two large ones from the bin right in front of you. Garlic is about two feet to your right in a smaller cart in front of this.” He fetched two plastic sacks and handed them over.
Cole gave him a smile before reaching out for the onions, and Ryan forced himself not to stare as he strolled to the fresh spices and made his selection. There was a strange warmth in his gut. He hadn’t done anything this domestic in so long. He never cooked for his hook-ups, and the last few times Noah had been over, they’d done delivery food and beer. He couldn’t remember the last time he bothered with anyone, and he wanted to believe it wasn’t just a blossoming friendship forming here.
A flicker of guilt flared to life in him though, because he also knew he was not the sort of guy to settle down. Even if Cole was different than the men Ryan normally pursued, and even if Cole made him feel something new and fresh that he didn’t want to push away. Cole was a good guy, and Ryan couldn’t saddle him with the likes of someone who was such an emotional disaster.
He did everything he could to quash the second thoughts he was having and quickly threw his spices into his basket before heading back over to where Cole was adding a few cloves of the garlic to the bag.
“Sorted?” Cole asked, holding up the sacks.
Ryan took them and added them to the rest of their food. “Yep. Now we just need some red wine and we’re done.”
Cole chuckled softly. “Well that I have plenty of back at mine.”
“Then cheese,” Ryan said. “If you can have cheese? I’ve learned to cook without it because Noah could never eat any, but…”
“I would love some,” Cole said, his quiet voice putting an end to the start of Ryan’s babbling.
After the final stop at the cheese counter, they paid for everything and headed back to the car. Ryan was irrationally relieved to see Kevin was warm and satisfied, curled up asleep in the back seat. He threw everything into the back, then climbed in next to Cole who gave him the address for his GPS.
It wasn’t a far drive, and within ten minutes, he was following Cole up to the front door of a surprisingly large house. It looked to be new construction, which was rare in the city, with a well-manicured front lawn and a door lock opened with a code pressed into a small keypad.
Cole led the way into the dark foyer, and Ryan heard the clinking of Kevin’s harness being removed. After a beat, his face flushing slightly, Ryan asked, “So uh…is it okay if I turn on some lights?”
“Bloody hell,” Cole swore under his breath. Ryan saw the shadow of him straighten, then heard a gentle scraping along the wall until a small, yellow light flared to life above them. Cole was facing him, his expression mortified as he clutched at Kevin’s empty harness. “I never have people over, I completely forgot.”
Ryan smiled at him. “It’s fine, seriously. Your electric bill must be amazing.”
Cole’s brows twitched in surprise, then he laughed and shook his head. “I reckon it probably is, compared to some.” With that, he turned and used his hand along the wall as a guide as he brought Ryan in through the living room, then around the corner to a large kitchen.
Cole remembered the lights then, and Ryan blinked against the sudden brightness as Cole hung the harness on a hook near the back door, then opened it to let Kevin out. “So,” he said, turning back to face Ryan, “this is it. Have at it. Everything’s pretty well organized so just…maybe mind that it all goes back where you found it?”
“I promise,” Ryan vowed. He was looking forward to cooking, mostly to give himself something to do other than stare at Cole and wonder how he was going to work in the conversation of wanting him without coming across like a total douche. He set the food on the counter and Cole wandered off, coming back a moment later with two bottles of wine.
“Either of these work for you?”
Ryan peered at them, then selected the Malbec. “The Malbec is perfect for my sauce, but the merlot will taste great with it when it’s finished if you’re in the mood for a glass.”
Cole’s lips twitched into a half smile, then he nodded and set the bottle on the counter. “I could indulge a little since I’m not going anywhere else tonight. I…I wanted to say thanks,” he said with a little hesitation in his tone. His fingers played with one of the grooves on the countertop, and he looked almost nervous. “I never do this, you know. I haven’t got…er…friends here, really. Co-workers of course, and everyone at Baum’s have been welcoming, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel comfortable entertaining.”
“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Ryan asked, freezing with the meat halfway out of the bag.
Cole quickly shook his head. “No, actually. I thought it might make me nervous, having you here. There’s a group I used to attend, right after I was discharged from hospital back in London. It was for people like me, the newly blinded—most of them military like I am…was,” he corrected, and Ryan didn’t miss the correction, or the flush that said maybe there was more to that statement. “I had a tiny flat and no one really to bother me, but some of them struggled with people in their spaces. It took more than an age to memorize the layout of everything. One of the blokes in the group had children—little toddlers, and he was trying not to fall apart, but every day was a guessing game of trying to know where toys had been put, and things moved. It made me paranoid after that. This is one of the few places I feel comfortable and having that compromised…”
“I get it,” Ryan said. He bit his lower lip, then said, “Why don’t you help me cook this. It’ll let you supervise where everything goes and…” he lowered his voice and affected a playful tone, “it’ll give you a lesson on how to make my world famous bolognaise sauce.”
“World famous,” Cole said with a slight smirk, but Ryan didn’t miss how Cole had relaxed and looked almost appreciative of the suggestion. “I suppose one lesson can’t hurt. I spent all of university eating spagbol, so I wouldn’t mind the trip down memory lane.”
“This will far surpass anything a university fetus could possibly come up with, trust me,” Ryan said, and nudged him gently. “For now, I need a pan to cook the meat, something to boil the noodles, and if you have any dried herbs…”
Cole quickly moved to the cabinets, retrieving everything Ryan requested. It took them no time at all to develop a rhythm between them. Cole was more skilled than he’d made himself out to be when it came to chopping, and within ten minutes the sizzling smell of spices, onions, and sausage had filled the air. The conversation was a little stilted at first, but Ryan was finding himself relaxing more and more as they
talked.
“Is it strange though? Being so close to the situation and Noah being your ex?” Cole asked.
Ryan dragged a hand through his hair as he stabbed a wooden spoon through the cooking sausage. “Noah and I…” He hesitated, not quite sure how to explain the situation. He was interested in something with Cole, and part of him wanted to hide his sins of the past, and part of him knew he couldn’t have anything with substance if he tried to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. “I wasn’t the best boyfriend.”
Cole looked surprised. “How so?”
Ryan felt shame heat his cheeks the way it had the other night when Noah had come at him a little for their past. “I didn’t know how to be good for Noah. He’s an amazing person, always has been. He’s brave in spite of growing up with a mother who never accepted him for who he was, and since his accident, he’s faced constant push-back from the head of his department over whether or not he’s capable of teaching after his injuries. I was never like him. I was driven—I wanted to live up to my older brother’s accomplishments, I wanted to feel like I was worth something, and I put all of that ahead of Noah’s feelings. And when I realized he was serious about us, when he saw a future together, I panicked. I was terrified of that idea, and I…sort of set it all on fire.”
Cole was quiet, leaning against the counter and twisting a jar of dried rosemary between his hands. “What did you do?” he asked softly.
Ryan bowed his head, his voice going low as he admitted his greatest crime. “I cheated. We had adopted this old dog from the shelter—one of those sad cases. She was almost twelve, and about to be put down, and Noah couldn’t let her go so we took her home. But we were both swamped with work and school, and the new neighbor—this guy Max—he offered to keep an eye on Cherry for us, take her for walks, keep her fed, keep her company. I was just getting ready to take the bar exam, so I was home a lot studying. Max and I would talk and I…and he…” Ryan took a breath. “He came onto me and I let him. And I encouraged him. We fucked once, and I almost left that night, but Noah came home after a rough day and I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him. He was dealing with so much, and I was afraid I would ruin his progress if I told him. So, Max and I started an affair, and then one day Noah came home and found us together in bed.”
“Ouch,” Cole said quietly. He turned to the cabinet and put the rosemary back where he’d taken it down from, then put his hands on the counter. “It’s a wonder you two are friends now.”
Ryan let out a slightly self-deprecating laugh. “His accident has everything to do with that. Like I said, his mom is…she wants everything to be perfect, and seeing her son lying in a hospital with half his face covered in bandages was not her idea of perfect. His close friends were teaching abroad for the semester and he didn’t really have anyone else. So, I showed up, and I tried to be there for him the way I wasn’t when we were together.”
“You sound like you regret losing him,” Cole said, caution in his voice.
Ryan wondered what that meant, but he didn’t want to push it. Not yet. “I did. I was still in love with him back then, but I wasn’t about to inflict myself on him all over again, and honestly, he didn’t want me by then. But he needed someone, and it was the least I could do. The accident was bad. He had glass lodged in his eye and the injury to his brain was pretty severe. His speech was damaged by it, and then the doctors told him that his eye was shrinking, and they couldn’t save it. I couldn’t let him go through that alone. Over the course of his recovery, we evolved into something else—something better than we probably ever would have been if we’d tried to make a relationship work. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did, but I can’t regret what we have now.”
Cole turned to face him, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. When he let it go, it was shiny and wet, and Ryan fought back the urge to lean in and kiss him. “Does he forgive you?”
“Yes,” Ryan said without hesitation. “He’s said as much. My brother gives me endless shit because I won’t let myself off the hook, but how can I?”
“Is that why you’re single?” Cole asked, and there was a hint of a smirk on his face now.
Ryan’s eyes widened. “You’re assuming I’m single?”
“I’m assuming you’ve come over for dinner and a shag,” Cole said bluntly, making Ryan choke on his own tongue a little. At his silence, Cole said, “Am I wrong?”
“I…well.” Ryan cleared his throat. “No. I guess not.”
“Which means that unless you’re doing the same thing right now to someone, the same thing you can’t forgive yourself for with Noah, I’m assuming you’re single.”
Ryan blew out a puff of air, then dragged a hand down his face before he reached for the spaghetti to add it to the boiling water. “Fine. That’s fair. I am single, and yeah that’s pretty much what it is. I have hook-ups sometimes, but I’ve never been able to get close to anyone since then.”
“Sounds lonely,” Cole said.
Ryan turned to him and though he knew Cole couldn’t see him, he still fixed a raised brow and pointed stare at the other man. “What about you? Do you have someone waiting for you back in England.”
Cole let out a slightly bitter laugh. “No, not…not in the way you’d think.” He bit down on his lip again and he crossed his arms over his middle. “Bit like Noah I think, I didn’t have the most supportive mum, and I never knew my dad. He died when I was a baby, and when I was a teenager, my older brother died as well. I didn’t want to be like that, I wanted to escape. So, I joined up with the Marines—recruited for my tech skills mainly. I worked my way up, and it was good. I had flings, nothing serious. I was too busy to ever be in a relationship. But ah… one night in Sheffield when I was on leave, I met a woman, and we had one night together, and then nearly a year later she showed up at my door with a baby.”
Ryan, who had taken a sip of his wine, choked on it and covered his mouth with the back of his hand. “You have a kid?”
Cole looked immediately defensive, taking a step back. “I take it you don’t like kids.”
“Woah, hey no, I never said that,” Ryan said in a rush. “I just…you…you never mentioned.”
Cole huffed a quiet laugh. “We’ve known each other collectively about six hours, Ryan. I don’t really tell strangers about her often. She’s called Claire, and she’s seven. I knew her mum for about twelve hours before she went up the duff, but she’s still the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Ryan had to admit he was taken aback. Of all the things Cole might have told him, he hadn’t been expecting that. His heart stuttered a little and his simmering lust cooled. Was he really going to try and seduce this man without a promise of something more when he had a family? Because Ryan knew damn well kids needed something stable in their lives and Ryan wasn’t sure he could ever be that. For anyone.
“You’re very quiet,” Cole said. “I’ve scared you off.”
Ryan shook his head, then remembered he had to be verbal. “No. No, Cole, that’s not it.”
“She hasn’t seen me since before I was injured,” Cole said. He swallowed thickly. “Her mum didn’t want…” At that, his voice cracked, and Cole heard what he wasn’t saying. The mother hadn’t wanted her daughter to see her father like this, and slow rage began to simmer in his belly.
“Cole, that’s…”
“Can we not talk about that right now?” he asked, his voice tight. “To be honest, the last thing I wanted to do tonight was think any more about any of it. I wanted a distraction, and you came along, and I thought maybe…”
“Yes,” Ryan said. He turned away from Cole, grabbing the stirring spoon and he dipped it into the sauce. Turning back to the other man, he cleared his throat. “Do you want to taste?”
Cole licked his lips, then nodded and held out his hand. Ryan slipped his under Cole’s fingers, then gently let Cole guide the spoon to his lips. His tongue darted out to lick the sauce from his lips and Ryan’s dick gave a firm twitch in the
front of his sweats.
A small dollop of sauce fell from the bottom of the spoon, hitting Cole in the wrist, and he hissed a breath through clenched teeth. Ryan abandoned the spoon back into the pot before taking Cole’s arm and bringing his wrist up. He hesitated for only a moment, then opened his mouth over the slightly pink, saucy bit of skin. Cole hissed for another reason, taking a step toward Ryan so they were nearly chest-to-chest. Ryan kept Cole’s wrist pressed to his lips, eyes never leaving his face as Cole’s cheeks went pink with a flush.
“Is this okay?” Ryan murmured against Cole’s arm.
Cole swallowed thickly, nodding his head. His other hand came up, searching, finding his hip to pull him in even closer. Ryan released Cole’s wrist, but pressed his face in toward the crook of Cole’s neck, breathing him in, laying a soft, sweet kiss just under his ear. Somewhere in the background, he heard the faint sound of a buzzer, but his brain and his dick urged him to ignore it, urged him to nip a little harder, to lave his tongue against salty skin, to close his teeth on a soft earlobe.
“I think the food is done,” Cole said, breathless even as he tugged Ryan in even closer.
Ryan groaned, pressing his forehead to the top of Cole’s shoulder, trying to regain some of his composure. The timer for the noodles was going off, but the only thing he could think of doing was throwing Cole up on the counter, yanking his jeans off, and swallowing his cock.
“Okay,” Ryan said after a beat. “Okay I…yeah. Let me just…” He reluctantly peeled himself away from the other man, watching out of the corner of his eye as Cole gripped the counter and bent his head forward, trying to control his breathing.
Ryan forced himself to focus on the dinner, though his hands were shaking hard enough he nearly poured scalding water over himself. He managed to get all the noodles into the strainer, then back into the pot and on the stove without any major incidents. When he turned back to Cole, the other man was standing straight, though there was a slight tremor in his fingers.