The dam had broken, he wasn’t sure that he could stop talking now, even if he tried. It had been years since he discussed these dusty old memories, afraid to touch them because of how much they hurt. Maybe it was Tara and the passionate way she listened, but he touched them now. They demanded release.
“I did the infantry thing for a couple of years. It wasn’t that bad, but I wanted something more. I applied for and got a Special Forces slot.”
“Special forces?” Tara asked. “Like the Navy Seals?”
“Oh, better than that. Rangers, then Green Berets. I picked up some more of the survival and… other useful training there. Got assigned to Fort Campbell, Kentucky. Things were going pretty good. I really liked the job. Clarice was about a year old when we deployed to Afghanistan. Our patrol ran into some trouble. Anyway, I took a couple of bullets to the leg, almost lost the damn thing. When I got back, recovery was a real bitch. The worst part was actually Karen. I thought she understood what I did and accepted it. I guess the reality of it never hit home until she saw how close I had come to not coming back. She kept going on and on about how she couldn’t raise Clarice alone and how if the men in dress uniforms showed up on her doorstep one day, it would kill her. I think it hits a lot of families that way. Some make it through. Some split up. I ended up giving up the Army. Karen was one of the most stubborn women I have ever met. It was part of her charm until she turned it on me.” Kirk chuckled.
“So, I got out. Clarice was two. We moved to the Tampa area where I got a job at a management consulting firm… We were there a little over a year before the accident. Just an everyday trip to the grocery store on a Tuesday afternoon. Who knew, right?
“After the accident, I just kinda lost it. It was weird. I had always been the tough guy. The guy that nothing ever bothered. I’d killed men and seen a couple of my buddies get killed. I’m not going to say those things didn’t bother me. They did. But this… this just crushed me. I didn’t eat. I don’t think I moved for a week. Eventually I just crawled inside of a bottle for the better part of a year. First I lost the job. Then went the house. I lived on relative’s couches and friend’s spare rooms for a while.
“To this day, I don’t really know what happened to snap me out of it. I just woke up one day, covered in my own puke. I looked around and found that the anger I had at God for taking them away, anger for the asshole that ran the stop sign and killed my girls, anger at my friends and family for not having the answers that I needed but knew they didn’t have… All that anger had turned on me. I was angry at myself. That anger should have led me to end it all; but somehow, it motivated me to get my shit back together.
“A few weeks later I got a job selling used cars. It wasn’t long until I got the job at the insurance company. It’s nothing I’m passionate about, but it’s something to do.”
Tara sat and soaked it all in. Her heart wept for this man she had assumed a monster. The pieces started fitting together. “How did you end up out here?”
“Oh, I came out to Waterloo, Iowa to burry my mom. She was from there originally. She moved back to live with her sister after my dad passed away. She died a week before everything went to shit. I stuck around for a few days after the funeral to tend to some of mom’s affairs.
“The day before I was supposed to fly out, they shut down all of the airports after the attack on Miami. I’d worked enough asymmetrical warfare tactics and strategic planning meetings to recognize what was going on. I knew it would get bad, but I didn’t expect it to get this bad. Anyway, after the airports shut down, I stopped by one of my mom’s friend’s stores. He was an old Vietnam vet that ran a combination surplus/outdoor store. I had been there a couple of times before. He had always had a liking for me ever since I told him about my Special Forces days. He’s the one who hooked me up with all of the gear. The news reports kept getting worse. When the food shipments stopped, I knew that towns and cities would become dangerous. I really didn’t have anywhere to go, so I figured I’d just set out cross country for a while. See how everything played out. That’s how I ended up running across you guys.”
“What about your home in Florida?” Tara asked.
“It’s really nothing but an almost empty apartment. Just a shell where I sleep. Nothing really pressing for me to get back to.”
“So, you said you thought you knew what caused all of this? I’d really like to hear that. Scott and I have been trying to figure that out and wondering when everything will go back to normal.”
Kirk laughed. “It really wasn’t that hard to figure out. I’m guessing Iranians must have had sleeper cells in the states for a while. They knew how closely tied the American financial system was tied to Europe. They also knew that by kicking off a war and disrupting the flow of oil, they would send the economy into a tailspin. They just needed to get the timing right. I think the Chinese inclusion into the European debt shitstorm gave them the opportunity. It’s hard to say if they knew the Chinese would drop the U.S. debt, but it worked in their favor. Couple all of that with synchronized terrorist attacks from the sleeper cells, and you get a lot of people scared shitless and one hell of a mess. If I had to guess, the attack on Israel was the signal for all of the sleeper cells to activate. Once they did and news got out, every other shitbag from every other terrorist organization in the world that had cells in the U.S smelled the blood in the water and dogpiled on. You see, they didn’t need to take us out directly. They just needed a big enough hit to start a chain of consequences that led us here. In a sick way, it was rather brilliant.”
“So, do you think everything will go back to normal?” Tara asked.
“Not for a long time. I think we’ll get back there eventually, but I think it’s going to take years to do it. My biggest concern is that a lot of stuff can happen in those years.”
Neither spoke for a moment. “Ok, Tara, I’ve been honest with you and given you my whole story. I think it’s my turn.”
“Fair enough, I guess. What would you like to know that we haven’t already told you?”
Kirk wasn’t sure what he had seen Tara doing the other day but felt she was hiding something. He took a gamble on a hunch. “What have you been injecting yourself with?”
Tara coughed and covered her face. “It’s nothing really. It’s…”
Kirk cut her off with a look. His brow lowered and his eyes bored into her. He didn’t need to speak. His eyes said it all. I told you my secrets. Your turn.
“I’m a diabetic.”
“Ah. That would explain a couple of things. One thing I don’t get, why hide it from me? Do the others know?”
“They know.” Tara said. “It’s just that I didn’t know you. I didn’t want you to think I was some sort of invalid or anything. I wanted to keep up strong appearances. I know it sounds silly, but it just felt right.”
Kirk shook his head. “It’s ok. I think I understand. I guess we all have some things we need to keep to ourselves… most of the time.” He smiled at her. “So, insulin is rather fragile isn’t it? How much do you have left?”
“It’s hard to say. It’s sensitive to temperature. I don’t have any test strips, but I know what I’ve got has started to degrade. Scott and I looked for some before we left Chicago, but we didn’t have any luck. I had a couple months’ supply when we left. I’ve noticed it getting weaker, but it’s hard to tell with how our diet has been. You’re supposed to throw it out after it’s been out of refrigeration for thirty days or it starts to go bad or lose strength.” She trailed off.
“I see. That’s why you said you were already a dead woman when you first came over. I thought that was a weird choice of words, but it makes sense now. Is there anything I can do for you to make it better, maybe try to find you some more?”
“Thank you, but no. I don’t think there is anything any of us can do. Even if we found a pharmacy full of the stuff tomorrow, how long do you suppose it has been out of refrigeration? It might help me last a little longer, but unless they st
art shipping new vials, and God only knows what has happened to the manufacturing plants through all of this, it’s a losing battle.”
They sat there for a minute until Tara finally stood. Kirk stood with her. “I better get some sleep.” Tara said. “I’ve got a lot of gathering to do tomorrow.” Before she left, she walked up to Kirk and hugged him. “Thank you, Mr. Chandler.”
“For what?”
“For opening up to me. For sharing your pain with me. And for saving my family. Don’t worry. I’ll keep the details of our conversation private.” She let go of the embrace and made her way to lie beside her snoring husband.
Kirk looked up at the stars he could barely see through the treetops. He felt nervous about having told someone all of his story. It had been seven long years since he had talked about that part of his life with anyone. Yet, somehow, he felt relief as well. It will be what it will be. He thought to himself as he watched the leaves dance in the cool breeze.
The next two days passed pleasantly. They caught six squirrels, four rabbits, over a dozen fish, and gathered a lot of edible plants. When they left the small creek, they had enough food to last for over a week. Kirk had enjoyed his time with the group. He didn’t know what Tara had said to them, but they had warmed up to him. Maybe he imagined it, but he thought Sherry might be flirting with him. Tara had told him the story of Sherry and Jan’s marriage the night after they had their big talk. He knew that Sherry and Jan had been split up for months before everything went to hell. He also now knew how Jan had died. He had to respect the man for that. He decided to take things slow with Sherry, if she was indeed flirting with him. The only problem was that he was attracted to her as well. It was a tight rope to walk, but one he felt he must for Lucy and Jimmy’s sake.
It rained on them the day they left camp and started travelling again. Kirk tried to talk the group into finding some sort of shelter, but Scott had pointed out that they had nowhere to go. Kirk supposed he was right, so they walked on. The rain wasn’t hard, just cold. Kirk gave his ponchos to Sherry and Lucy. He gave his jacket to Leesha to help keep her dry. He had tried giving it to Tara, but she had refused. The cold rain didn’t bother Kirk. He thought about some of the crazy shit he had done in his younger years. He smiled to himself as he confirmed that he had been through worse than this.
They had just come to the intersection of two fields when they encountered the barbed wire fence. Kirk instructed them to be careful crossing it. He stepped on the bottom strand and lifted up on the middle and top strands. Everyone went through fine, until Tara slipped in the mud and caught her left leg on one of the barbs. The scratch wasn’t deep, but it ran for several inches. Kirk and Lucy agreed that it didn’t need stitches, but they treated it with the last bit of antibiotic ointment Clay had. Tara didn’t seem to be in any pain. Now knowing her condition, Kirk couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
That evening, Kirk lashed the two ponchos together and strung them between some pine trees. He gathered some sticks and used them as tent stakes. He tied the ponchos to these as well, making a large makeshift tent for them to get out of the rain. He kept it low, the center only about four feet tall, to ensure that no rain blew in. After splitting a dead limb they had found hanging on a tree, Kirk got a fire going after four failed attempts. They dried their clothes as best they could, had their meal, and talked deep into the night. Kirk felt that they had accepted him. He knew that was Tara’s doing. He might have a bunch of new friends in the group now, but Tara was his best.
The next day they waited to see what the weather would do. The rain broke around ten in the morning, and the camp soon after that. They made decent time and traveled a good distance before they set up camp. The teenagers now accepted it as part of their duty to gather firewood whenever they stopped and got to it as soon as everyone set down their packs. Everything was still a little damp, so Kirk started the fire as soon as he had enough materials. After they had their normal stew of whatever wild plants they could find, a couple of pine nettles, and dried fish. The group laid out their bedding. Where, before, they had slept on the opposite side of the camp from him, Tara and Scott now made their bed on one side of him while Sherry made hers on the other. Kirk liked the change.
Kirk noticed Tara whisper something into Clay’s ear. Clay nodded and announced that it was time for a story. The big man had become the camp entertainer over the last few days. Kirk had to admit, the man had a gift for telling stories. Clay moved to the other side of the fire and gathered everyone around him. Kirk was about to get up and join them when he felt a tap on his shoulder. “Tara wants you to look at something.” Scott said. Kirk looked up to see that she had moved a little ways away from the fire.
Kirk walked over and crouched down beside the woman. “What’s going on?” He noticed that she was a little flushed. He had ignored it earlier in the day, chalking it up to the hike; but that should have gone away by now. Tara raised her pant leg a little to show him her scratch. The scratch was red and puffy. Three angry red lines raced away from the small would. Kirk reached out a hand to feel her head. She was warmer than she should have been. “That’s not god. We need to get…”
Tara cut him off with a raised hand. “What? Antibiotics? Good luck out here.”
Kirk wasn’t cowed. “We can treat it with natural remedies and see what that does. There’s got to be something in that book about…” She cut him off again.
“Scott, it’s time.” She said.
“Time for what?” Kirk asked.
Scott ignored him. “I’m still against it. We could still find you some medicine. We could run into a hospital tomorrow. We could…” He trailed off looking at her peaceful face. He saw that she had come to terms with her decision.
“Time for what?” Kirk repeated.
“Scott and I discussed this some time ago, before the collapse. We watched one of those apocalypse movies where everything shut down. He asked me what I would do if we ever ended up in a situation like that. I told him that I would just simply overdose on my insulin. I think he thought I was playing around when I said it, but now that we’re actually in one of those situations, we talked about it again. He convinced me to hold out just a little longer, and I have. Now, I think it’s time.”
“I don’t understand.” Kirk said. “Why would you want to do that?”
“How much do you know about diabetes?” Tara asked.
“Nothing much, really.”
“Let me tell you what’s in store for me. My insulin is running out. It’s getting weaker by the day. I’ve got another infected spot on my stomach from reusing my last needle for over a week. I have no idea how bad my blood sugar is now because I have no way to check it. All I can go off of is how I feel, and it hasn’t been good.
“You see, Kirk, diabetes doesn’t actually kill you. It just tears up everything else inside your body so that something else can come in and kill you. You have a hard time fighting off infections. That’s why you see so many older diabetics missing a foot or a leg. If that doesn’t get me and I last long enough without the insulin, my organs will start to fail or I may go blind.”
“There’s no telling how long it could take, weeks, months, maybe even years. I don’t think it’ll take that long for me. I think that little scratch on my leg is going to do me in. You see the lines. Being a diabetic and having no access to any real medical facilities, I’m done for. It’ll take days for the infection to spread through my leg. A couple more days after that, and I’ll die, delirious with a fever, chills, pain, and not in my right mind.”
“And if you follow through on your plan?” Kirk asked.
“About fifteen to twenty minutes after the injection, I’ll just go to sleep.”
“I still think you’re giving up on me.” Scott said. “I need you too much to lose you now.”
“Do you need me so much you’d watch me suffer before I die?” Tara asked. Scott didn’t reply. Tara looked up at Kirk. “What would you do, facing those o
dds?”
Kirk finally understood why he was here, why he had been a part of this conversation. Scott began talking. “I don’t think what he says really matters. He’s not your…” Kirk placed his hand on Scott’s shoulder.
“No, I’m not her husband, but I think it’s her decision. I think that if you love someone, you sometimes have to support their decisions, even if those decisions suck.” Kirk said. “I can’t say that I would do the same in her place, but I can’t not say that either.” He looked down at Tara. “So, young lady, how do you propose to go about this?”
“I’m not sure. I guess I figured that I’d say my goodbyes to everyone tonight. Not tell them what I’m going to do, but just tell them how much I love them. Then, I guess I would just do it in the night. You would just pack up and leave me here in the morning.”
Kirk saw the tears running down Scott’s face. “How about this. I’m going to make you another little fire over here and set up one of the ponchos as a tent. I’ll take all the watch shifts tonight and make sure you have any privacy that you need.”
“Thank you.” Tara said.
“I do have one suggestion, though. I think you should tell Sherry. I know it’ll be hard, but if you don’t she’ll resent it for the rest of her life.”
Kirk walked away, leaving Tara and Scott alone. “That’s why you had him come over here wasn’t it?” Scott asked. “You knew he would agree with you when I wouldn’t. I know you two have been getting close these last couple of days, but to bring him in on this?”
“I believe he’s a good man, Scott. I knew he’d agree with me. So, yes. That’s one reason I invited him into this. He’s a good man, but he’s also a hard man. That may have been a bad thing a couple of months ago, but the world has become a hard place. I think you may fair better being a hard man in hard world.”
Fifty Falling Stars Page 38