Now it was Adam’s turn. For a moment he said nothing and then, “I am grateful today for my testimony of the Church and for the sacrifice of my Savior. Lately, I’ve felt as though I’m finally getting to know Him and really comprehend the love He has for me and my family.” His eyes met Kerrianne’s over the head of their small son seated between them. Amanda felt a stab of envy at their relationship, which to her was the epitome of what a family should be.
“It’s your turn, Benjamin,” Cameron said.
“Amen,” the two-year-old pronounced, eyes glued to the platter of meat. Everyone laughed.
“Well, I’m grateful for our new baby,” Kerrianne said next. “Caleb has reminded me how close heaven really is.”
“Very good,” Cameron said, nodding his head in agreement. “Now that we’ve waited enough time so our once-hot turkey is only marginally warm—the way we apparently like it—I will now say the blessing.” Around the table, heads bowed.
The dinner itself was excellent, and the conversation relaxed. Still, Amanda felt the occasional odd glance from her mother, though she could not determine the reason for the look. She had expected her mother’s worry to vanish upon learning the children weren’t Blake’s. Jessica did seem to like Blake, and in a few minutes of questioning found out more about him than Amanda had learned in the first two weeks she’d known him. Yet Jessica didn’t begin linking their names together or make innuendos about a possible future together. This confused Amanda—and she wasn’t the only one. Mitch and Kerrianne exchanged several questioning glances when their mother wasn’t looking.
After the meal began to wind down, their mother asked, “So, Mitchell, are you dating any nice girls yet?”
“Oh, no,” Mitch said with a groan. “Back to that are we? I promise you, Mother, if I ever start dating nice girls, I will bring them home to meet you.”
“Well, what does that mean?” Jessica asked, tucking her chin close to her neck and raising her shoulders slightly. “You’d better not be dating any other kind of girl.”
Amanda shook her head. “He’s teasing, Mom. He can’t get a date that likes animals, that’s all. Don’t we have dessert? I hope everyone saved room.”
Jessica stood. “There’s plenty of dessert. Five kinds of pie, in fact. Amanda, if you’ll give me a hand in the kitchen?”
Great, Amanda thought. That means she wants to say something privately about Blake. Aloud, she said. “Sure.”
Once in the kitchen, Jessica began setting pies on two serving trays. “He seems nice,” she said quietly.
Amanda relaxed. “I think so,” she agreed. “And Kevin and Mara are adorable.”
Jessica’s lips tightened, as though trying to prevent words from escaping. They came anyway. “That’s what I’m worried about,” she said. “Are you dating him because you like him or because you like the sense of family he represents with the children?”
Amanda set a pie on the tray nearest her. “What are you saying, exactly?”
“Nothing. It’s just that all your life, you’ve tried to rescue people the way Mitchell rescues stray animals. I would hate to see you make a decision driven by your desire to help him with the children—or to mother them.”
Amanda shook her head. “I can’t believe this, Mom,” she said, keeping her voice low so those at the table wouldn’t overhear. “You always say I should forget Tanner and find someone else, and when I finally do, you think I’m in it for the children?”
“Isn’t that true? From what I’ve heard Kerrianne say about the way you two met, it was about the children.”
Amanda thought for a moment about the facts she had shared with her sister. Yes, she had made it seem as though she was only interested in Kevin and Mara. In fact, that was what she’d tried to tell herself at the beginning. Yet there was much she’d left out of her story—the electricity between them, the pounding of her heart at his closeness, the way his grin made her feel so incredibly happy. Yes, she admired him because of his willingness to care for Kevin and Mara, but that was only a small part of it.
Wasn’t it?
Could it be the electricity had occurred because she knew he was safely out of her reach? No, it couldn’t! She wasn’t imagining the way she felt when their eyes met. How could she explain this to her mother?
“Mom,” she said. “I don’t know where my relationship with Blake is going, but I do know I’ve never felt this strongly about any man I’ve ever met.”
“Not even Tanner Wolfe?”
“Not even Tanner Wolfe.”
Jessica smiled, though her eyes remained cautious. “Well, then,” she said. “Maybe I’ll have to ask him what he’s doing next spring. He’ll be out of school then, and spring weddings are very popular, you know.”
Amanda grinned and shook her head. This was more like her mother. “Maybe you should just let me take care of that. Mitch, however, really could use some matchmaking.”
Yet as they returned to the dining room together, Amanda worried that maybe there was a grain of truth in her mother’s worry. Not from her side, of course, but from Blake’s. Was it possible he liked Amanda only because of what she felt for Kevin and Mara?
Chapter Twenty-Three
Amanda knew it was probably a stupid thing to do—wasting a Saturday morning to drive up to Salt Lake and search for a woman she had never met. But Blake was so worried about the children that she felt someone had to do something. Anything. So she’d looked in her planner and found an indentation of the address Paula had given her to pass on to Blake. With very little effort, she was able to re-create the address and drive to Salt Lake.
More than two weeks had passed since Thanksgiving. Weeks that Amanda had thoroughly enjoyed. Each day after teaching, she’d found herself at Kerrianne’s playing with the children for a few hours, usually leaving just before Blake arrived. She’d wanted to start taking them home, but by silent agreement, she and Blake had left the arrangement alone. There was no sense in changing their schedule if they were to be returned to their mother at the coming hearing. Though the social worker was confident of the outcome, Blake remained worried, and his fear made Amanda worry, too. She had done a lot of research on the Internet and had learned that for all the ways authorities had invented to test for drug usage, there was always some degenerate or money-hungry person coming up with a way to try to beat the system.
She and Blake were in limbo, really, existing only day to day. There was no talk of their future, though Amanda was falling further each day for Blake—despite not being able to spend much time with him because of his schedule. She had to be content with snatched moments, phone calls, and weekends under Kevin’s watchful eyes. They had even celebrated her birthday at a kid-themed pizza restaurant, where Blake and the kids had given her a beautiful silver bracelet.
Her relationship with the children, however, had blossomed. She learned that Kevin loved macaroni and cheese and anything containing peanut butter, but he wouldn’t touch lasagna and always left half his tuna fish sandwich on the plate. That he liked watching George Shrinks but hated Teletubbies. She knew Mara had finally stopped eating paper bits on the floor but couldn’t resist anything resembling a button. That she’d gobble cooked spinach, potatoes, or applesauce, but turned her face away at carrots and squash—or anything else suspiciously orange. Amanda read to them, played games with them, and sang to them.
Logically, she knew she shouldn’t do any of those things, that she shouldn’t develop a relationship with them. If they went to live with their mother, their absence would cause her a lot of endless pain. But she couldn’t bear not to fill their blatant needs. They loved her, she knew. And she loved them.
“Ah, here we are,” she said aloud, pushing aside her disquieting thoughts. She came to a stop at the address, wrinkling her brow at the unkempt lawn and run-down house. From Blake’s description, this was where he had taken the children to see their mother for the so-called “lunch.”
Amanda took a deep breath and walked to t
he house, noting the scraggly grass beneath a light layer of snow. An old mitten and a milk carton were wedged in the dried weeds lying against the side of the cement porch. Her knock wasn’t answered, so she rang the bell. Once. Twice. At last the door opened to reveal a thin, shaggy-haired man about her own age, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but I’m looking for Paula Simmons. I really need to talk to her.”
The man shrugged. “She ain’t here. She don’t live here.”
“Oh, do you know where she lives?”
His close-set brown eyes narrowed. “You a friend?”
“No. I—it’s about her kids.”
“Oh.” His lips briefly turned upward in a smile. “Cute kids.”
“Yes, they are.”
“You a social worker?”
Amanda shook her head hurriedly. “Oh, no. I’m just a friend of her cousin’s. The one who’s watching her children.”
“Oh, that jerk.”
“Not really. He’s just trying to help. He wants to do whatever he can to get Paula . . . uh, to see that they’re all happy.” Amanda stopped talking, seeing this man didn’t really care enough to listen. He was staring out blankly into the street behind her. “Anyway, do you know where I can reach her?” She was beginning to have second thoughts about coming here. Maybe she should have talked to Blake first. At least he could have found Paula’s address for her.
The man nodded. “Works at an auto repair shop. Doubt they’re open since it’s Saturday. So she’s probably home still sleeping.” His pointed glance left her no doubt that he’d much rather be pursuing the same course.
“You don’t have her home address?”
He sighed. “Okay, okay. I got her address inside somewhere. Come in a minute. You look like a nice lady, so I’ll give it to you. But don’t bug her, okay? And don’t tell her I gave you her address.”
“Sure. Great. Thanks.” Amanda waited in his small front room as he disappeared somewhere. She took in the tattered couch, the stains on the rug. The obvious remnants of several meals.
“I haven’t cleaned up yet today,” the man said, reappearing at her elbow in much less time than she’d expected. “Here’s the address.”
She smiled. “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem.”
Breathing a sigh of relief when she was finally back in her car, Amanda pulled out of the driveway. The interior of the car was cold again, and she flipped on the heat.
What am I doing? she asked herself. She didn’t even know what she would say to Paula.
The address was only five minutes away, but the houses were nicer here and newer, if still small. Amanda double-checked the address and shut off her engine. The clock on the dashboard told her it was after ten. Still plenty of time to be at Blake’s by noon. They were going out for a little shopping, then dinner, followed by a trip to the Christmas tree lot. Amanda already had her fake tree up, but Blake wanted a fresh one.
A slender blonde woman in sweat bottoms and a T-shirt opened the door. Her hair was too short and her face worn, but she was smiling. A young, dark-haired boy in a sweat suit was behind her, wrestling on the carpet with a puppy.
“Is Paula Simmons here?” Amanda asked.
“Yeah. She’s sleeping.” She gave Amanda a once-over and apparently deciding she was harmless, she continued. “Come on in. I’ll go wake her up.”
“Mom, aren’t we going?” the boy asked, brown eyes looking at them in disappointment.
“Sure. You can go on outside and warm up your muscles. I need to get my sweatshirt on anyway. It’s cold out—even for running.” The boy grinned and then headed for the door without meeting Amanda’s eyes, ducking around her and darting outside, the puppy hot on his heels.
Amanda shut the door behind them. This place, she noticed, had an entirely different feel from the last house. Though sparsely furnished, it was clean and smelled good. And it has a puppy, she thought. Kevin would love that. Of course, the idea of Mara crawling around on the same floor as a puppy who was still likely potty training didn’t bring a pretty picture to her mind. Even so, Mara would adore tugging its ears.
The woman returned in less than a minute, pulling on a sweatshirt over her head. “She’s coming. Go ahead and have a seat.” With that, she was gone.
Amanda waited on the green couch for a full five minutes before a tiny figure wearing a short-sleeved pajama top and shorts appeared from the hallway. The unlined, heart-shaped face was covered by a long mass of flyaway blonde hair, whose dark roots clearly showed the blonde came from a bottle and not nature—most likely an in-home job at that. Kevin’s innocent blue eyes stared out at Amanda, freezing her for a moment in time that felt like an eternity.
“Do I know you?” the woman asked, her voice full of attitude. This was the woman who had been late for almost every visiting session with her children and the social worker and who hadn’t even bothered to show up the last time. Amanda remembered how Kevin had taken in her absence stoically, not once revealing his true feelings. She and Blake had taken him out for ice cream when Erika returned with him and Mara that day. Double scoop.
“Well?” the woman asked. “Do I know you or don’t I?”
Amanda stood. “No. Well, we talked once on the phone. At least I think it was you. You have Kevin’s eyes. Or he has yours, rather.”
Paula relaxed visibly. “You must be the girlfriend.” She plopped down on one end of the couch, bringing her feet up under her.
“Well, Blake and I are dating.” Amanda sat down on the other end of the couch. She shook her head. “I can’t get over how much Kevin looks like you. His hair’s a bit different color, but his face . . . I bet your younger pictures look just like him.”
Paula grinned. “Yeah. We could be twins. My hair used to be white blonde like his, but it kept going darker and darker. I bleach it now. I’m about due for another shot.”
“I’ve thought about highlighting mine, but I never get around to it.”
“That’s because you’re still so blonde.” Paula reached toward the end table by the couch, pulling half a pack of cigarettes from the drawer. She pulled one out with her long fingernails. “Having kids makes it go dark.”
“I’ve heard that. My sister has three children—but she was always darker, even growing up.” Amanda expected her to light up, but Paula seemed perfectly content for the moment, holding the cigarette between her fingers. Amanda was grateful.
Silence fell as Paula toyed with the cigarette, her eyes unfocused, the lids smeared with old mascara. “Well,” she said finally, “why are you here?”
Amanda took a deep breath. “To tell you the truth, I don’t really know. I just . . . well, I’ve spent so much time with your children lately . . .”
“Getting in the way, huh?” Paula snorted. “I knew he’d get tired of them.”
Amanda sat a little straighter. “No, it’s not that at all. Blake adores those kids. He does everything with them. You should see him with them.”
“Well, I can’t, can I? Not with that restraining order.” Her pretty mouth was a thin, tight line.
“He didn’t know what else to do after you came over that night.” Amanda stared into the blue eyes. “You really scared Kevin. He—he wanted us to hide under the bed. He told me that’s what he always did when you . . . when you did that.”
“You were there?” Paula’s fingers stilled in her lap.
“Yes. And I—well, I’m an adult and it scared me, too.”
Paula recovered quickly. “There was nothing to be scared of!” she said, tossing her head. “Nothing! I’d never hurt my children. I love them.” Her expression darkened as she added bitterly, “I bet he’s told you different.”
“On the contrary! Ever since I met Blake, he’s always told me—and the kids, too—how much you love them. Always! And he talks a lot about you two growing up. In fact, he says that the Paula he knows would be—” Oops, maybe she’d better leave that part out.
&nb
sp; “Would be what?” The blue eyes lost their unfocused stare. “What’s he saying about me?”
Only the truth would do. “That the girl he knew would be very upset to see her children in such a situation.”
“With a mother who drinks and does drugs, I suppose.” Paula’s voice showed her scorn.
“Yes.” Amanda lifted her chin, unwilling to back down.
Paula untucked her feet and stood abruptly. “You can tell Blake it didn’t work. I’m not backing down on this. I’m not waiting. I don’t have a substance abuse problem, and I’ll do whatever it takes—whatever—to get my children back where they belong.”
Amanda arose more slowly. “He doesn’t know I’m here. I came because he’s so worried all the time. He’s torn between wanting to believe that you’re ready to take back the children and the fear that you aren’t.”
“He has no right to worry about that. It’s not his concern.”
“He has every right!” Amanda retorted, her anger sparked. “Every right! You gave him that right when you began leaving Kevin with him so much. You were the one who decided to drink and do drugs. All Blake wants to do is to make sure Kevin and Mara are safe.”
“They’ll be safe with me! Now get out!” Paula tossed her unlit cigarette to the floor, stomped to the door, and threw it open.
“Please,” Amanda said, following her to the door. Crisp December air blew in from outside, dousing her irritation. “Don’t. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just came because, well, if the situation were reversed, I’d want you to come to me.”
“Oh?” Curiosity flared in Paula’s eyes. At that moment she looked so young, too young to be the mother of two children, though Amanda knew Paula was a year older than she was.
“I never thought I could care about someone else’s children,” Amanda hurried on. “You know? I mean, I love my niece and nephews, but I care every bit as much for Kevin and Mara.” Amanda prayed for Paula to understand. “I’m so grateful I’ve had the chance to know them. They are the most precious children, and I can well imagine how heartbroken you’ve been without them. If I were in your shoes, I’d fight every bit as much as you are fighting to get them back. Because when they weren’t with me, I’d wonder if they were okay. If someone was loving them and taking care of them. I actually do that now, you know, when they’re with Blake and I’m not there. I worry they might need something that . . . well, that only I can give. It’s crazy, I know, when Blake’s doing so well with them—and they’re even not my children. But that’s why I’m here.” Amanda wiped impatiently at the tears cascading down her cheeks, thankful that Paula was listening. “I want you to know your children are receiving good care. That Blake loves them like his own—maybe even more so because of his feelings toward you. And the rest of us who know Kevin and Mara also love them—we’ll do anything we can for them. I wanted you to know that. Especially in case . . . well, in case you did need more time to get things ready and let the children stay with Blake longer. That’s all.”
Huntington Family Series Page 24